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Have you ever lost someone?
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21 / M
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Posted 2/4/14
English isn't my first language, sorry for all oddly shaped sentences.
First off, I would like to say that I have never lost anyone, and therefor, I would have no idea about how it feels. But I do know how it is to grow up without ever feeling loved or cared about.

I have no memories from before the age of ~5, which I guess is normal. Up until some day when i was 6 years old, I guess I to some extent loved my parents, as I guess a child naturally does, but I have no memories of ever loving or feeling loved by my parents. It's just an assumption I've made, as I think a child would love their parents when they knew no one else.
I can remember at the age of six, I wanted some attention from my parents, since they worked day and night, and never had time for me. Not because they had to, more or less because they wanted to. I can't remember exactly what happened next, but they started yelling at me, and I ran crying to my room. A few hours later, after my parents had gone to bed, I went into the kitchen. At school I liked to paint pictures of me with my parents. The paintings were horrible, but they symbolized my love for them. I took all the paintings/pictures I could carry, and took them out on the porch. I ripped them all up in the rain that night, and I've never felt that anyone has loved or cared about me since then. I'm now 17 years old, only a few months until I'm 18.

I'm not going to go very deep into the rest of it, but yeah, life continued like that. My parents kept working. My best friend moved away when I was eight. I got bullied in school. I've probably spent almost half my life locked inside my room, of my own free will, as I had no friends and nothing to do outside. I had some anxiety issues, barely managed to speak to anyone, wasn't able to talk about my feelings until last year (around when I turned 17). I've been quite depressed since I was 6, too. The depression varied from "wanting to kill myself" to just "not wanting to live", and yes, there is a difference. "Tried" to kill myself a few years ago. I didn't get any help from teachers nor parents when I drastically fell behind everyone else at school.

I fell in love with a girl when I was around 15 years old, but as I hadn't really talked with any girls since I was around 8 years old (the friend who left whom I mentioned earlier, yeah, she was a girl), I wasn't able to talk to her. It ended up with me sending her a message on facebook. She started saying "that's so sweet!" (roughly translated), and telling me I was cool (which I'm not, I'm a fat and ugly, not that it really matters). She lured me into thinking she perhaps liked me, only to break my heart. That's when I "tried" to kill myself, but I didn't manage to cut over my wrist, as I lacked the courage to do it. Ended up with a few scars though. My parents didn't notice the scars until earlier this year, It's not like I've been hiding them or anything.

I do have other family members, but as my parents aren't on good terms with them either, I've almost never met any of them. Most of them are now dead, but I newer really knew any of them. I have an aunt I visited a few times as a child, and I loved being with her. However, she's got cancer, and I probably won't get to meet her for a last time, because my parents won't take me, and she lives too far away for me to be afford to visit her. If there was one family member I can remember caring about, it was my aunt, and she's probably going to die, without me being able to see her again. And now... I'm crying... Now that I think about it, my aunt has been the only person to really spend any time with me. She's been the only person that's ever taken time out of her day, to be with me, and within a few months, she'll probably be dead.


But I'm over most of this now. I don't know If I'm able to speak to any girls, as the last to years of secondary school (I think that's what it's called, like 11th and 12th grade, kinda) there haven't been any girls in my classes, but I don't have any problems speaking to small crowds anymore.
I've forgiven everyone who's bullied me, and I've sworn that I at the very least will bring financial support to my parents as they might soon be left without a job or pension.
I still have no friends, but that's probably because I have a higher standard for a friend than what most other people have. If you're going to be my friend, you've got to show loyalty, honesty and be a highly ethical person. Most people don't fit within those criteria.
I'm doing better at school. Where I live we are graded by numbers; 1 is the lowest and 6 is the highest grade. I'm averaging at 4.3 at the moment, but I might drop down a 4.2. So, by american standards, I'm almost at a c+ I think, which surprisingly is better than most of my class.
I'm still somewhat depressed, but I'm no longer actively wishing to kill myself, it's more a passive "I wish I was never born".


As I haven't lost anyone I have truly cared deeply about, I can't compare it to my experiences.
Is it worse to have loved and lost, or never to have loved at all? I wouldn't know.
And therein lies another question; do I even bother trying to find someone to love?
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24 / F
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Posted 2/6/14 , edited 2/6/14
I relate to your loss, seeing as I lost my mother when I was very young. The faint memories of them in hazy light and early mornings remind you softly that they were real at some point. Going to friend's houses was always relatively hard for me as well, but I suppose we all manage. My father was extremely invested in me, so I rarely felt this aching loss until he passed away. I was only 18 when I lost him, so that really changed my life. I rarely think about my mother, which saddens me, however I cannot help that my father is the most major loss of my life.

Sorry, this is an incredibly sad thread!

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34 / M
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Posted 2/8/14
In the long road that is my life, I've lost a great many people (though I suppose that's just because the number of people in my life was small to begin with.) Thankfully, I didn't start losing people until I was well into my 20's, when I could (maybe) handle things a bit better. I lost an Aunt that I was close to back in 2005 after she had a long battle with infections and other nasty things that kept her from really enjoying life near the end. She'd lost her husband back during WWII and I now know just how hard it was for her to make it as long as she did with that kind of hole in her life.

Next was my mother, to cancer, in 2008, a few months after I got married. Mom had fought that cancer for well over two years before she finally, for lack of a better word, gave up. It was hard to accept for a while but I know she wasn't really 'living' there at the end when she was in hospice so I accept that death is just a tad better than being a prisoner of one's own mind.

Next followed the only grandparents I'd really known. My father's parents had long ago died, before I ever knew them, so it was only my mother's parents that I'd known. My grandmother developed dementia, so I can't really say whether she even realized it when she finally died in 2010. My grandfather stuck it out just a bit longer but her too died in 2011. By the time they'd both passed, I'd not spoken to them since my mother passed and I really can't say their loss was overly emotional for me, but that's just the baggage I was left with because of them.

Then, more recently, I lost my wife after 5 short years of marriage. Her death happened so suddenly that I didn't really understand it until the doctors brought me in the room and I saw those eyes that haunt me to this day. She passed the day before my 30th birthday, which, among other things, makes me dread and curse my own mortality and the counting of it on the calendar. But even with all the losses I've had, I've not given up... not completely anyway.

I take no solace in pretty words and the like, but I do march on knowing that as long as I live none of the people who have gone before me will be truly gone from this Earth. And perhaps that is my only solace, the knowledge that, as long as I am alive those that I have loved and lost will never truly be dead. I will grant them a stay of execution until such time that I am gone and can no longer spread their legacy and speak their names. And so do we all, who survive. We keep the dead alive in our hearts and our stories until there are no tomorrows that we can do so.
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22 / F / Outer space.
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Posted 3/21/14
My grandpa is gone for a month now and tbh I didn't cry. I'm just relieved he doesn't have to suffer anymore I kinda knew it was coming. I will miss him dearly and I learn a lesson that you shouldn't take someone for granted and death shouldn't be taken lightly. Sigh*
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18 / F / texas
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Posted 4/13/14
I've lost my grandfather when I was around 6 I believe? He lived in Guatemala and I would always visit him, and he was overall a very wonderful and successful man who has helped the family very much. Problem is my father and him were never in good terms so when he passed away (not sure what was the cause, but was probably mother nature. he had Alzheimer's as well.) It pretty much wrecked my father more than it did me. And growing up the next few years was difficult. I remember crying at school during Grandparents day because everyones grandparents came and I had no one to spend the day with.

But eventually I grew up, and learned how to deal with death. Though I still have trouble with it, it's gotten gradually better. And I can say the same for my father. But I'm very happy. My grandfather suffered a lot from all the illness he had and now I know he's in peace.
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52 / M / State of Confusion
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Posted 4/23/14 , edited 4/23/14
Well, I guess I will add to this sad, sad thread.

I guess I will start in order

I was born on March 12th at 11:50 PM, my mother died twenty minutes later. I understand that she looked at me once.

As I grew up, I too had people ask me where is your mom? Did she leave? I know that your father was a piece of work I would not be surprised.

I lived in an abusive home, my paternal grandfather's way of expressing anger was with a switch. He died the last day of 6th grade back in 1976.

My maternal grandmother died shortly after my paternal grandfather, it was around 1977. My maternal grandfather died before I was born.

My aunt Norine, died in 79, a bit after my older brother's high school graduation. My brother fled our house when he got the chance after graduation and was given her house to live in.

My paternal Grandmother, Mary was crippled by arthritis. Her fingers, arms, back, and legs were locked into horrible positions and could barely walk with crutches. She died in 1981, after an extended hospital stay,

My father still lives to this day. However his tale is the saddest of all. He was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. As I grew up, I only knew a crazy man.

I grew up in a house that was abusive and insane. Every death I have listed here happened before I graduated high school. Each loss brought about it's own sorrow, sorrow that went beyond the loss of the person who passed. Today I am a recluse and anti-social as I have been kicked yet again in the personal relationship department. But I will pick myself back up and go back into the world, and live again. Just right now, the cave I have exiled myself into is comfortable.

However, back in 2003, my own Son was born. Healthy and strong, his birth breathed new life into me. Even though I am down now I know that I will be back up and running again. The future still holds promise.
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22 / M / Ames, Iowa, USA
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Posted 6/12/14 , edited 6/12/14
I've had many close friends pass away because of the lifestyle. One of the biggest and hardest realizations that came from those was that no one cared, time kept going. To those who are at the bottom, our deaths aren't as personal, to most of society we are simply a number on the casualty list, and to those who remain we are left with a undeniable rule; A boy at war never survives. On a personal level, the biggest questions that occurred for me was why me? I knew at least 2 others who were primed to get out, one was a valedictorian, honor student, and the other was promising athlete on the football field, yet I'm the one left, kinda gets to you with the questions..... Sorry to make this really revealing and deep My entire life has been surrounded by death.

1) friend's parents were killed during 9/11, brother commit suicide 3 days later
2) one friend OD'ed
3) one friend died in a car accident with a drunk driver
4) a good few (probably about 4-6, I forget honestly) were shot
5) one died of hypothermia
6) one went missing, still hasn't been found
8) My closest friend, the valedictorian, was stabbed during a New Years Eve party his senior year. He was so close. He almost made it out, and the streets got him.

There's a reason the google search of my location is this:



Ok, seriously I'm going to stop now
Posted 6/12/14

SaintJames012 wrote:

I've had many close friends pass away because of the lifestyle. One of the biggest and hardest realizations that came from those was that no one cared, time kept going. To those who are at the bottom, our deaths aren't as personal, to most of society we are simply a number on the casualty list, and to those who remain we are left with a undeniable rule; A boy at war never survives. On a personal level, the biggest questions that occurred for me was why me? I knew at least 2 others who were primed to get out, one was a valedictorian, honor student, and the other was promising athlete on the football field, yet I'm the one left, kinda gets to you with the questions..... Sorry to make this really revealing and deep :sweatingbullets:


hah. life goes on. no death is personal.
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22 / M / Ames, Iowa, USA
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Posted 6/12/14 , edited 6/12/14


hah. life goes on. no death is personal.


I know. Our time's coming to, gotta love it.
Posted 6/12/14

SaintJames012 wrote:



hah. life goes on. no death is personal.


I know. Our time's coming to, gotta love it.


time is ticking away, like a boss.
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44 / M
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Posted 6/13/14
Yes I lost my son to cancer back in 2000 due to a vaccination.
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26 / M
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Posted 6/13/14
I lost my dad to lung cancer 2 years ago. And I've lost friends who've died in combat while I was over in Afghanistan while in the marines
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M / In You're Closet
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Posted 6/13/14
My great grandfather survived the battle of the bulge but died in 1995, my great uncle killed himself 10 years ago, my great grandmother died around 5 years ago, and my grandmother died last year.
Posted 6/14/14
anyone above 40 already dead in my family unless i don't know about them. i actually also lost two siblings so i've lost some young in my family.
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Posted 6/19/14
I've actually lost a friend this year due to suicide so your message resonated with me. My friend achieved major academic success, yet this brought him misery. Though he accomplished many impressive feats like a perfect SAT score and a position as class officer, he never felt satisfied. In this manner, his insatiable ambition consumed him. He would push himself harder and harder whenever his grade dropped even the slightest bit. I really admired his determination and resilience, but finally he cracked. He left no note the day he passed away, but I am certain it was because he was overwhelmed by academic stress. He possessed a bubbly character, always benevolent and always willing to go out of his way to help others. I remember he served as my role model. He always smiled a great smile.

I'm still grappling with the reasons behind my friend's suicide. I still can't know for sure. I will treasure my memory of him, but I won't linger in the past.
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