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Post Reply Wanting to be alone; not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings.
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20 / M / England
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Posted 10/7/13 , edited 10/7/13
This is not a recent thing, but it came up in a conversation with my best friend recently about myself 1-2 years ago.

This is what it is about:
my best friend, some of my lesser close friends and I would go out more or less every single day; for a good year or so. We wouldn't really do much, during the summer it was nice; we would skateboard in the sun and hang out and maybe drink a few beers. On the lesser nice days we would just sit somewhere, skate if we could and not really do anything; I didn't have a terrible amount of input for a lot of conversations, and most of these friends would use this time to smoke marijuana.
After a while of this going out everyday it started to get to me that I did not want to go out any more, I wanted to be alone for a while to make the going out more eventful for myself. At the same time I didn't want to make anyone think I didn't like them; so quite often I would be really quiet and anxious and wanting to go home when we went out. My friends started to notice this and would start to ask my best friend behind my back "Is something wrong with Kyle, he seems really depressed" and naturally he replied with "No, he's been fine with me".
And then one day I was sitting alone while everyone else was doing whatever they were doing. One of the girls we would hang around with came up to me and said "What is wrong with you? You're being so f**king boring, if you don't want to be with us just go home, no one is stopping you" or something along those lines. You might be able to guess what happened next, I got a little bit upset. They didn't understand how I was feeling, I had said a few times that I just wanted to stay home but they insisted I go out and that I would have a good time. I may have said a few things after that which maybe I shouldn't have and ultimately none of them have seen me the same way since. I don't really hang around with them any more, I feel better in some ways because of it. But overall I wish I had just allowed myself the time to cool off and not force myself to do something I didn't want to do. Alone time is important.

I was wondering if anyone else had/is having a similar experience in their life and what they did.

Edit:

TL;DR - I went out a lot. I didn't want to go out any more. Still went out to not hurt peoples feelings, people hurt MY feelings. I get upset, stuff happens, I regret not giving myself time alone.
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19 / F
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Posted 10/7/13
Just tell them the truth. No one is forcing you to go out with them. You can do whatever the hell you want. Just say that you need your space or your alone time or something like that.
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26 / M / Onmarus
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Posted 10/7/13
I've experienced this same thing. It can be difficult to let your friends know you just want to spend time alone without really having a specific reason aside from it just being the way you currently feel.

Years ago I had a group of friends who I spent years with hanging out and having some of the best times of my life but little by little I couldn't help but to notice our interests changing between us. It seemed like my friends were always doing the same exact thing and never had anything new going on. Pretty soon I didn't even know who to go to just to discuss a common interest and I slowly made my exit from the group by showing my face less and less. I had grown as a person while everyone else was stuck frozen in time. We are all still friends. In fact, one of them was my brother. Now we're all living in different areas far away.

I learned sometimes people just grow apart. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you or them, peoples lives just go in different directions. You meet new people, learn a little more about your self, take them or leave them, rinse and repeat.
Posted 10/7/13
Wanted Alive: Nice Randomly Kidnapped Elephant
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20 / M / England
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Posted 10/7/13
alpacapocalypse6


As I said, this was a over a year ago now, so that advice is a little outdated. You are correct though, that is what should have happened. But it's not that easy, anxiety is a terrible thing that eats away at you; keeping you up all night, making you feel like a tool for saying things. etc.

Reploid520


You are completely right. That is the sad truth of being with some people for extended amounts of time, you lose things to interact with each other about. If you are together too often it removes the enjoyment of going out with each other.

I wish I could have shown my face less as you say; I would feel bad when I would say "I don't think I want to go out today" and then they would insist I come out, I had no strict sense of the word no because I didn't want to hurt them - In turn eventually hurting myself.

I think everyone needs at least one person that you never lose common interest with - In my case my closest friend and I have so much in common, every day a new childhood event rises that is similar between us and we can bond over it, or be emotional over it. and out interests are always the same, if one of us likes something, the other tries it. It's nice to have someone to rely on.
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18 / M / England
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Posted 10/7/13 , edited 10/7/13
I know the feeling. My best friend (who I do like a lot) has a tendency to drop by my house without warning. Sometimes I might have been enjoying just being alone and doing whatever it is I am doing at the time, but I'd feel like an arse after he's cycled over here to say I don't want to see him. It's slightly frustrating but a rather impossible situation. Problem is he always tries to contact me at the worst times. He'll try and message me when I'm not online, I'm in the bath, or call me on my phone when I'm not next to it, so he often just comes over anyway. I don't mind him coming over and as much as it's unlucky those events do happen, I'd prefer to set a date and time before hand. Assuming he does get a hold of me he usually wants to be over within the next 10-20 minutes. But when he's alone so much and I'm one of his only friends he can talk to about both games and anime, it's hard to turn him away and say I'd rather be doing my own thing.
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26 / M / wherever my work...
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Posted 10/7/13
This happens to me all the time. I get bored with one thing while everyone else stays in the same path. You probably have what I have: a necessity to try new things to feed a hunger of adventure. It makes life far more adventurous and worth living.
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20 / M / England
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Posted 10/7/13 , edited 10/7/13
BLACKOUTMK2


There is not much worse then being disturbed in your personal time, but there is also not much worse then being turned away by a friend you want to be with so your situation is a difficult one indeed.
I've rarely been in the situation of someone just turning up randomly, so I don't really know what you can do or say to him in your favour.

firefox39


This makes a lot of sense. I've always had many different things that I enjoy, music, art, gaming. etc. But I have to rotate what I am doing regularly or I will get bored of it. You enjoy things the less you do them because they are more meaningful when they are less often.
Posted 10/7/13
People who know me know that I don't really like to "hang out." The few friends I have, I would see them and hang out with them maybe once every few months. They know that I don't like to text or talk very much either. It's just the way that I am and I cherish them for being able to understand that part of me.

Regarding "not wanting to hurt people's feelings," I'm probably one of the few people who don't care for that. I'm upfront with everyone about how I'm like. I don't like pretending to be a really cool friend. The people who can understand me stay, the ones who can't are free to leave. If I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone, I will say so. If they cannot accept that, then we can't really be friends.
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26 / M / wherever my work...
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Posted 10/7/13

BMAcorn wrote:

BLACKOUTMK2


There is not much worse then being disturbed in your personal time, but there is also not much worse then being turned away by a friend you want to be with so your situation is a difficult one indeed.
I've rarely been in the situation of someone just turning up randomly, so I don't really know what you can do or say to him in your favour.

firefox39


This makes a lot of sense. I've always had many different things that I enjoy, music, art, gaming. etc. But I have to rotate what I am doing regularly or I will get bored of it. You enjoy things the less you do them because they are more meaningful when they are less often.


Oh yeah. You definitely have it. I would recommend throwing random things to do in the mix so the order doesn't get old. Also, find a job that isn't the same thing every day when you get the chance. You'll enjoy life even more.
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25 / M / Sydney, Australia
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Posted 10/7/13

I was wondering if anyone else had/is having a similar experience in their life and what they did.


Not really.

I've always been a self-centred person... if I didn't like something I would not attend that thing... I'm not very considerate of my friend's feelings.
And I do things based on my impulse; I will cancel something at the last minute if I no longer feel like going.


I don't know how he can put up with me; honestly... I'm almost like Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory; I do things my way instead of social conventions ways... except I don't have Asperger's.


Oh well, that is one negative aspect of my personality. But I believe I have many positive personality traits, it's just people wouldn't know it unless they've known me for a very long time. I knew my friend since I was 12. We've been friends for 12 years now
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Posted 10/7/13
I know the feeling of not wanting to hang out all the time but I find it pretty easy to manage by just saying "no thanks, not today, maybe we can hang out tomorrow." People are generally understanding and if they aren't then they are dick heads and not real friends anyway. If you are really concerned about sparing peoples feelings you can make an excuse like you aren't feeling well and just want to go home or a new game came out that you want to go home and play or something like that but I wouldn't rely on that too much.

This comes with a warning though. Don't say no all the time or your friends will just stop inviting you and then when you really feel like hanging out, it will be awkward if you have to ask to be invited. If your friends want to hang out every single day, then I'd suggest trying to join them at least once or twice a week.
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20 / F / Canada
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Posted 10/7/13
Woww I'm really glad I found this thread! This is EXACTLY the kind of situation I find myself in, and it's great to read through how different people deal and react.

I'm better at one-on-one; I've always been one for small groups. I only had one close friend in high school and two close friends in college but now that I'm in university I've found myself in a group of 8 (myself included). I don't really know how it happened that I got sucked into the group, but I do really like them all and we have some great times together but sometimes I'm a little overwhelmed. And when that happens I usually go quiet - I often feel like I don't have much to say or can't get into a conversation and everyone is talking around me and I feel kinda left out. It's not so much that I don't want to hang out or want to be alone, I like being with them, but sometimes I feel like I don't bring anything to the group; I'm not contributing... On top of this they often seem to like doing the same thing every time and whenever I try to suggest something we could try out for a change of pace or a new experience it ultimately gets shot down.

I do realize that I'm part of the problem; that if I want to get the most out of our time together I should start to participate more in conversations and feel comfortable enough to just say what I want to, but I sometimes also feel like I'm not getting what I'm looking for from them; I'm not feeling fulfilled...
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F / Trost
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Posted 10/7/13
That's really rough. I know how it feels to be dragged into unwanted social activities. Its a pain. People say am a solitary person and a introvert. It used to really bother me but you know what....I got over it. It took me years but I finally go to a point where I didn't give a crap about what anyone thought about me. I enjoy going to movies, shopping, to the aquarium, bowling and other areas by myself and I love it! I can do what I want when I want without having to deal with someone wanting to leave early or go someplace I don't want to go.

Sure it gets lonely sometimes but you shouldn't let someone make you feel bad because you don't do what THEY want you to do. That's oppressive and you deserve better.
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20 / F / Canada
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Posted 10/7/13
NonMaster:

Sorry, I'm not really sure if you were replying to me or just giving a general reply, but I'll assume that it was directed at me since your comment came right after mine and I was touched by what you said



I actually had a discussion about this a little while back with one of my friends in the group that I'm closest with; I was feeling kinda down and like I was falling away from the rest of them - like I wasn't getting meaningful interaction from them... He helped me realize that I should be concerned with myself first and foremost and do more stuff that I want to do instead of just always going along with what the rest of them are doing. If that means I'm doing stuff on my own then so be it; it'll make me happier and that'll automatically improve my relationships with them. I'm working on doing just that now!
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