PRICES GO UP AT THE GATE
So for most of my life I have been writing basically, text based roleplays and things of that nature and I have come to the conclusion that writing is something I am passionate of-- So much so that I decided to write a book. I have so far gotten to about chapter 6 [And struggling to get past it mind you] and I haven't even gotten a title for this book yet. However, i'd like input from you guys if you care to read it. This is my prologue, I may post more chapters and what not but this is the first draft prologue [Meaning it is up for editing in the future, may add more and stuff basically]. Let me know how ya like it.
On scale, this is only about 10-13 paragraphs [to lazy to count]. The rest of my chapters are gonna be aimed to be scaled up to 40+ paragraphs.
PROLOGUE = (FAMILY)
"Ah beautiful, I never expected to see your ugly face so early in the morning. . Why are you in my bed?" Words fueled by malice came from the boy no older then fourteen; staring back to the boy was a girl, somewhere about the same age as him. The boy and girl as a pair shared the same ashen hair, amethyst coloured iris', and facial structure. It was apparent that these two had been twins by features alone; however the core differences resided in their hair, she wore her hair down in pigtails; neatly braided that flowed down to her waist while he had donned a more traditional short bowl cut style hair.
After a brief moment of silence, the boy had continued his venomous speech. "Get out of my room, it's entirely to early for me to deal with your odd antics." In response, the girl slowly made her way out of the bed; silent to the words he spoke and oddly enough she even graced him with a smile. A soft voice escaping her lips, as soothing as a sonata. "Good morning, Lazerus." Following was a respectful bow with a pillow in her arms, and then her departure led her down the stairs from his room.
"Ugh, why am I related to such a fucking weirdo."
Lazerus Kindle, a fine example of agnsty youth. He had made his way out of the full sized bed, while his barefeet touched against the cold surface of hard wooden floor. The old yet sturdy wood creeked, as he stood; his room had looked it's age, old. The walls were in a shabby condition, various markings and holes from the years of abuse and lack of maintenance; the cieling had crevices that were created from former leaks from the roof - - One of the many disadvantages of living on the top floor. - - It was spacious regardless, lacking in furniture minus the drawer, an old standing oval mirror, his bed obviously, and an ancient suit of armor that was collecting dust in the corner. That aside, he had one single window that only showed the sun when it set; and a set of stairs that went straight downstairs with no door. That aside, this had been Lazerus's domain.
And that bitch of a sister had intruded in it once more without permission.
"I'll have to teach Lauren a little bit of a lesson." He stated in a vicious way, making his way over towards the window. The boy had made it a routine, to check the condition of the outside land, although the weather where he was hardly ever changed and barely had any real factors. Afterall, he resided in the lands of the artic. The frigid landscaping hardly varied, either it wasn't snowing, it snowed lightly, or it snowed heavily; and regardless of the conditions of the snowfall, it never would change his fate. He would still have to wake up, go downstairs and eat breakfast with a family he truely despises, and head to a school he truely found mundane. The daily routine of life itself, had peaked to the point of dullness in the eyes of Lazerus.
A shame all of that is going to change today. . . Be careful what you wish for, young Lazerus.
Down the stair case, across a lengthy hallway then down another set of stairs that wind downwards. The spiral ending in the kitchen area; this being the destination that Lazerus had intended to reach. Just another routine in the day to knock out, breakfast with the family. The arouma of the room that normally smelled of a variety of friendly scents, now only smelled of used charcoal. The spot by the pot that was normally occupied was vacant; something weird was going on. That feeling that you know something was wrong crept down the spine of Lazerus-- Fear soon replacing mild confusion as he heard a faint yelp from the next room.
His movement was all on instinct at this point, his bare feet clapping against the cold tiled floor as the boy pushed open the accordian door. The boy's eyes widening as the sight he saw was something that could only be described in one word; Traumatizing. To give a good perspective of what the boy had saw, imagine everything you have-- everything you adored, considered precious and yet took for granted-- Suddenly and immediately taken away from you. The sight before the boy was cruel, grotesque and gutchurning; It was a glimpse of hell.
The front door was wide open, the sunlight reflecting off the white surface behind and the window to the right only made this scene so much more bright-- Yet what was before Lazerus was anything but. On the ground his father had knelt; though his body was already limp. Crimson liquid pooling from under the man, that same liquid had been splattered across the walls in a straight line and dripping from the cieling as well-- And despite that fact his fathers back had been facing Lazerus; he saw his fathers face upside-down and resting against his back.
Laying beside what was his father was his mother; who seemed to still be alive-- That was until a blade stabbed down straight into the back of her head-- Pinning her like a cushion. This led Lazerus's sight to fall towards the culprit behind it; the individual who single handedly ruined his entire life. Though the only feature that haunted the child's thoughts was the look on the man's face. The sickening, snide smile that had slithered upon his lips the very moment he came to realize the child had been watching. The man's cruel hand had twisted, churning the sword and making a sickening sound before he pulled the blade free from the floor.
This man; no, this demon had been standing there. He was clad in knight-like armor that was the same color as the snow. Miraculously there had not been a inklin of blood that had touched the armor, it just shined in the rays of light. The man himself had a wire like mustache that curled away from his lips making a swirl. A small pointed nose and eyes with slitted pupils with iris the color of emeralds. Those green eyes would haunt him as much as this husky looking figure; who Lazerus had just realized was carrying something. .
No. . Not something, someone-- The man had been carrying his sister. And as soon as Lazerus had realized it; it was too late. The boy stunned by fear could not move, as he watched helplessly; her body had been wrapped around in a fur looking cloth and only her face was exposed-- Her innocent face stared towards Lazerus, tears stained her cheeks and yet she managed to give a weak smile. Despite the horrors seen, Lazerus could simply feel her thoughts and the expression on her face; she had the look of relief-- That her brother had survived the ordeal that they just encountered. Lauren's lips had moved- yet no voice had come out that Lazerus could hear but he knew what she said. The parting words that Lazerus yerned for; yet again not in this way. .
"Good-bye, Brother. I love you."
Can you count to green?
I read your prologue in its entirety and I found it to be rather enjoyable. I was reluctant to read the rest of the chapter after I read the first paragraph but decided to give it a try after I skipped to the final paragraph. I would try having a different, more engaging, opening. A paragraph rich in detail with fluency akin to the graceful flow of a river. The goal for the first paragraph is to gather attention and draw the reader into the story. I would start by describing either the exterior or by providing details of Lazerus Kindle's room. By doing this, you can set the scene and catch the readers attention.
I have to say, the text below the opening, is very rich in detail and engaging. I would consider contracting some of your sentences to help improve fluency. There are a few sentences that are a little awkward and I had to read twice to grasp their meaning. This is an easily fixed issue and should be left alone until you reach the editing phase. Right now you should concentrate on getting the story written on "paper" before it becomes another unfinished idea stored in the back of your mind.
As for your struggles on Chapter 6, I think I can offer some advice. I'm sure you are aware, there are many different types of writers; some compose a story in there head and ride the wave until the project is complete and there are writers that create a basic outline and flesh out simple ideas, thus writing the story. Neither method is incorrect nor is either method perfect for they both have their own unique advantages and disadvantages. I find it easier to divide my stories into acts (my longest project was for a screenwriting class). If you break the story down into three parts, you can better manage your thoughts. Try breaking it down into introduction, main body, and conclusion. I know this is kindergarten knowledge but it can be an effective way to overcome writers block or help you through the troublesome incident know as slow progress. My professors have always told me " to write a story you must know where you are coming from and where are you going, else you will become lost along the way or it will feel as if you are venturing without a purpose or cause". On the storyline note, if you already have an idea how the story will begin and how the story will end, you can come up with a title for the project.
When I write I break it down like this:
Act one, the introduction, where the characters are introduced and the scene is set. During act one, you should provide the base personality for your main characters, both protagonist and antagonist (this includes non-action genres, as all dramas/stories have a variant of these two types of characters to progress the story). By providing starting point for growth, you will have an easier time developing your character and may not create a one-dimensional person. Act one is also the act where you provide the main characters main motivation for the storyline; what makes your protagonist move forward and progress the story.
Act two, the main body. This is typically the longest section of any story and is often filled with conflict. The whole purpose of this part of the story is to have your main character(s) face conflict and overcome/fail to overcome these obstacles. Also during this part, you should provide growth for your protagonist(s). Act two, as it works towards the conclusion, will have the greatest amount of screen time and therefore should be the area where you develop your characters the most as they face adversity. Be mindful that your story should work towards a climax. Also, consider the timing of your climax, if it comes too early or too late, the pacing of your book can seem forced or boring and forgettable.
Act three, the conclusion. Of course, this is the final act and therefor the story must draw to a close.
Also, be careful not to have a reactive character. Meaning, rather then having your main character react to the events around him, have him take a proactive approach. Your character has the potential to be attention grabbing and engaging but at the same time, he could be a very blasé and typical, depending on how you develop him and if you allow him to be proactive or reactive.
Overall, I think you did a pretty good job with this. Even with my extensive critiques, the Prologue left me wanting to read the first chapter. Though I can probably predict what Lazerus Kindle will do with the suit of Armor (the storyline and the oddness of its existence in a bare room make it obvious, though I could be wrong ), I still want to know why the murderer killed Lazerus Kindle's parents but did not kill Lazerus Kindle and also kidnapped his sister. Your story has potential if you write it right but it could also be just another story.
Regardless of how it turns out, enjoy the rapturous agony that is writing! Please note, there are only two reasons why I would provide an extensive critique; because I have to (academic obligation) or I enjoyed and wish the best for the literature I have read. In either case, I will always objectively (if such a thing truly exists) and without reservation, thought not maliciously, offer my thoughts and suggest edits. In this case, I enjoyed this chapter. Do not get discouraged and continue to write this story. I hope I can read some more material from you and I also hope we can be sounding boards for each other (see threads I have written in the Writers corner).
New season and a new semester; my interests are contentious!
Well thank you for the extensive critique AND the advice. I have to say one thing, I don't mind it. This is a first draft and honestly I plan on brushing on many things; i'll upload my 1st draft chapter as well since you gave such a detailed analysis. And yes, I shall check out your works as well and see what I can offer as advice if I see anything in need.
I do appreciate it really though, even the advice to help me finish my chapters. I have a rough guideline and I had an general idea, but I never worked out the full details. The armor does have significance to the plot but not quite in the predictable way, at least not in my opinion.
1st Chapter below this.
C-H-A-P-T-E-R One = (ORPHAN)
It had been only a day since the ordeal, and many questions had been left unanswered. 'Who was this man in the white armor?' 'Why did he kidnap my sister?' 'Why did he kill my parents?'. Questions that would be left in the air, to haunt Lazerus's young yet numb brain- Tears had remained stained on his miserable face, as the coroners and public squires had finally been dispatched. In the corner of the room Lazerus had been curled in the corner, eyes wide open and bags formed under them. Observing the people who could not bring his parents back; carefully they moved both of the corpses into bags and from there loaded the bags into the back of a wagon-- This omnious carriage that was black simply known as the funeral wagon, it was something everyone dreaded seeing. Afterall, you never know when this could happen.
As the coroner's left with the two bodies to prepare them for the 'Departure Ceremony', the squires that had been on scene-- Mostly in the background as to not be in the way-- Made their way over towards the child who had been in the corner. Lazerus's eyes had not moved an inch, not to look to the squires, not to watch the coroners carry the body; no he had been focused on a single point on the floor where his mother had been killed before his eyes. Lazerus housing a deadpan look while his face lacked any emotions in the slightest, the pitable sight of the child made the squires reluctant to even talk to the child.
One of them reached over, placing the hand upon the boy's shoulder. As a soothing femenine voice spoke out towards him; an act that was an attempt to at least cheer the boy up. "We will find your sister and the culprit, you can take my word on that." Following behind her was a more masculine one. "Yea, this man has done unspeakable things and you've survived an ordeal that I can't even imagine."
Those words didn't help.
However it was those words that lured Lazerus from his 'slumber', his lilic iris' moved over to the two squires; red and puffy eyes had proved he had been crying most of the night and by the look and sound of his stomach he clearly had not eaten either. The features of the squires had been irrelevant to Lazerus, the only real things he could manage to focus on was the woman's hair. The squire woman had auburn hair that was lengthy, being down to about mid-back length. That same hair is what reminded him of his sister's hair when they were younger. The boy openned his mouth as he was about to speak-- That is until a loud clanking had been heard entering the premises and a voice was heard.
"Squires, didn't I say not to talk to the boy until I got here!" The woman's voice echo'd as the stern and authority in it rung; both of the squires straightened in posture and began to back away from the child. This was the reason why they seemed reluctant at first it seemed; the woman clanked over infront of Lazerus-- Blocking his view completely, forcing him to acknowledge her existance. She wore a drab set of heavy iron armor--far more reinforced then what the squires wore. Black shoulder-length hair came from her head in a wild fashion, as if she had not cared for it. She had brown eyes that only made the rest of her face look serious, a flat expression on her lips and her nose had been long.
"So you are the boy who survived the terror. . Well all I can say is forget what happened yesterday. We figured out who it was and it is no longer a concern for you; we will do what we can do to deal with the situation. So I recommend you sta---" the rest of the conversation had started to become lost, as anger was slowly picking up in the young boy's body. Rage at the manner this knight had spoke; the lack of compassion and the way she dismissed the entire ordeal as if it was just a non-chalant deal. Lazerus' sight had been blurred at that moment as hot tears started to stream from his face and before he knew it. .
He had punched the woman.
Though before the second punch could happen he found his world spinning around, the harsh reality that he was just a child came crashing around him literally as he found an intense pain in his back and head while his eyes were now looking to the cieling-- Arm still twisted a bit while a boot now slammed into the side of his ribcage. "Oye, that is rude. You are lucky I don't have you arrested for that. Now as I was saying, you best start packing. We are going to sell the things in your home, keep the money in a bank reserves for you and send you off to an orphanage in three days.
You hear me now? This is how the world works and sometimes there isn't much you can do. Grow up and deal with it."
With those harsh words spoken, the knight released the hand violently and began to turn and leave the house. "Squires, let's go. Leave the child to think about his actions and deal with his own emotions." And just as that, the squires scurried off behind the knight. The last things that Lazerus heard was the door shutting; before coming from the bottom of his heart and soul a scream unlike any other. Anger, sadness, regret, all of it had now become comfortable in their new home known as Lazerus-- The scream symbolizing his release of it all at once. As he felt the loneliness settle in. .
He truely was alone in the world as of right now.
The next day Lazerus had found himself sleeping, next to him had been a bundle of clothing comprised of a mixture of his mother's, father's and sister's clothing that he had found in their wardrobe-- They all bore the collective scents of each of his family members; two who were deceased and one who may as well have been-- He knew based on the knights words he may never even see his sister again. That was a harsh reality that he would have to accept and grow up to accept. Though today was not the day to mourn the loss of his sister; but the day to mourn the loss of his parents.
Making his way back up to his room, he found his eyes looking at it from a new perspective-- These would be the last moments he had in this house, the last days of his residing in this mannor. To be shipped off to an orphanage like a peasant boy; despite his parents prestige this would be the fate of the child. Noble-child or not, once a parent is dead before the child had reached potential to be anything benficial; the child would be rendered as useless as any other child who had a fate as twisted as his.
There goes that pesky feeling regret again, consuming his heart as he felt pains of sadness. Oh how Lazerus yearned to take back the way he acted, how he wished he didn't leave all the cleaning to his mom and sister; how he wish he could have enjoyed more things with his father, learned his trade(Which had been a tailor, a damned good one at that), picked up some skills from the man. But fate was cold, as cold as the arctic lands that they lived-- And this was reality, there would be no mercy and there would be no actions without consequences.
You reap what you sow.
Time had escaped Lazerus as his mind idly recalled the things he wished to repent for, as he heard a carraige pull around front. The horses loud neigh had snapped him out from his daze; and at that the boy had begun to get dressed. At the end he had been changed into an extravagant outfit, one that he never thought he would have to wear again so soon since the passing of his grand-mother. It was made by his very own father's hands, one of the finest quality of clothing and one of the last things he would be able to wear. .
Curse aging and getting bigger, the outfit already being a tad bit tighter. It comprised of a white shirt that is worn under a tailcoat, the tail of the coat was broken into three seperate sections and were spread evenly; It fell down and ended by the back of his knees. Black trousers that fitted a bit tighter then they should've however still fitted fine enough to pass. The legs stopping just above the ankles; which was covered by silk, thin, white socks and fine shoes. Over the entire outfit he had a fur trench coat, something that covered the entirety of his body.
It took ten minutes for Lazerus to make his way outside and to the carriage, despite it being only two days he managed to look composed again. Though the look on his face had still been dead; no emotions, no feelings, and no tears either, as the driver led the horses that pulled the carraige up a trial. The travel itself would take roughly thirty minutes, but to Lazerus it felt as if time was moving still. Lazerus did not even notice when they arrived, as the time that seemed to last forever reached an end. The destination had been 'Depature Peak'.
Departure peak, it was a place where the dead would be cast away into the next life. It had been a ritual in the city(Aruze) that Lazerus resided, and it is said that this mountain peak had been the place the last angel that resided on the planet(Langia) had been sighted before flying to the heavens-- Never to be seen since. To Lazerus it was all religious mumbo-jumbo, but to his parents and a majority of the natives it had been a fact, something to be respected. Lazerus was in no place to do anything against traditions.
There had been two coffins, neither of them were labeled to tell the difference between the parents. The coffins were hoisted up on two poles, and the two poles had been angled so it was pointing towards the sun-- and over the cliff of the peak. Decorating the coffins were two massive reefs, while vines and white flowers wrapped around the entirety of the coffins. There had been a podium placed in the center of the two coffins, and already standing were those who were mourning the loss of them. Workers and friends, there had been no family..
Of course there was no family, the closest family he had resided in Ophelia(Desert City, We'll get to that later) and he had never even met them before. Once Lazerus made his way out from the carraige, all eyes had went to them- Each one sharing one thing in common, pity. This entire ordeal felt like a pity party to Lazerus, but he remained silent and didn't take mention to it. Instead he began to make his way to the podium; his eyes making their way between the two coffins as he felt the heavy burden of sadness and anger mixing in together.
There stood a priest, who wore white garbs that had been garnished with various pearls that reflected the rays of the sun; truely giving off the impression of someone who was divine. He would begin by speaking a hymn, and then odd humming sounds would follow. Lazerus could not be bothered with any of it, not in the mood for all of this-- He would much rather get this over with so he can figure out what he would do, many thoughts flooding his mind but mostly uncertainty littered those.
It wasn't until the priest had said something relevant to Lazerus that he regained his focus. "Do you have words you wish to speak, before you cast the flames unto the deceased?" Those words, flames-fire-revenge. It trained his thoughts as he had begun to think about back when the knight spoke. "This is how the world works and sometimes there isn't much you can do. Grow up and deal with it." Those words came to mind immediately, and back then he thought of accepting it. . But now. .?
No, He could not simply accept it.
"Yes, I do. . I have last words. My last words are this. . To my parents, where-ever you are, be it here or on the plains of the afterlife. I speak to you, to let you know that I am still alive. That your daughter is still alive, and despite her kidnapping and despite my weaknesses to do anything now, I will not quit and give up as I've been told to. I will not simply roll over and turn my eyes a different direction and act as if none of this happened, I will find the bastard who took my sister-your daughter, and I will get her back. I don't care if it takes one hundred years, I will do this. This much, I promise!"
After he stated this, it brought tears to the eyes of the onlookers; yet he himself did not shed any. As a torch was handed to him, he set ablaze both of the poles. The coffins catching on fire along with the poles, the black smoke billowing up in a peculiar manner. The two smoke clouds funneling into each other in one massive funnel and seemed to tunnel off towards the sky in a mystical manner. And after a moment of burning, the two coffins broke from the weakened pole and fell from the cliff. . Straight down to the darkness.
Can you count to green?
ok... i'd like to see more o this, as a fellow author though, i have no words.
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