Post Reply Jump Worthy?
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19 / M / Nashville, TN
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Posted 10/20/13 , edited 10/28/13
Been working on story concepts and character ideas for works I can be working on while I finish up my senior year and get ready to head to the Yamasa Institute in April (or October next year, depending). Here's one I'd like your opinions on. I do shonen manga, so I'm trying to see if you guys think this would be Shonen Jump worthy. Here we go:

In the year 2134, the world had advanced to the peak of technological capabilities... and in an international event called The Surge, a huge power surge destroyed much of the worlds technology, and now humanity resides in a global metropolis made up of the rubble of it's once glorious state.
Enter Ryu Noriyama, a rebellious and outcast middle schooler, who posseses a very unique ability. He is an "Ethereal", an engineered human who has the ability to use his emotions as a fuel for incredible power. After awakening this power, Ryu is enrolled in the Etheron Academy, a secret academy created to take in Ethereals and educate them on their power. The Academy is also responsible for locating and detaining the "Rabid", Ethereals who have let a single emotion consume their persona. But even in a school for freaks, Ryu is an outcast, but he won't stop until he has proven that there are things he can do that no one else can! And so the destiny of a small few, and the destiny of the world, begins it's perilous course.

Your opinions would be greatly appreciated. I'll upload some concept artwork soon.

EDIT:

Got rid of the other stuff because it's mostly jibberish. ^_^ Here's a quickie sketch with some quick digital color. This is the concept I have right now for the main character... I need to draw him with a more exaggerated look though. He's actually pretty goofy and hot tempered, but here he looks like he's ready to crack his knuckles. *sigh* I gotta get better at energetic expressions.



EDIT:

After "The Surge" the New Order World (NOW) Organization, the only global faction that managed to secure all remaining technology, divided Japan into five sections named after the elements: Doku, Kazeku, Hiku, Mizuku, and Soraku. The entire nation of Japan is an urban jungle excluding a few parks and national reserves. But over time nature has taken back some of it's territory and created a new world over the rubble of the Technological Age.
This is just a quick map I made of the sections that the new Japan is divided into:
Posted 10/21/13
Setting sounds solid.

Would like to see some concept art, though. Could be interesting how you display the emotions becoming their "Power".
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Posted 10/21/13
Working on the artwork right now.

From what I've been studying, there are around 48 different emotions, half are considered negative and half are considered positive. The way it works is that each person has a positive and a negative emotion. For example, the main character's emotion is Love, and his negative polar opposite is hate. No matter who it's targeted at, if the main character has any form of hate in his heart, it will reduce his power significantly. This same rule applies to all the protagonists. Most of the Antagonists are like I described above, "Rabid". They focused too long on a negative emotion and now their positive emotion is out of the equation. They can use their negative emotion to boost their power, but it will eventually turn them into a literal monster.
The main characters power right now is a blue fire, and I'm still trying to figure out how the colors/elements play out. One of the main characters uses yellow lightning from Excitement. another uses pink water for Hope (when in desperate Fear she becomes a volcanic destructive force and nearly becomes Rabid unless reassured). I'm trying to decided whether I want to keep that a mystery or find some way to explain it at first. Sorry, I get started typing stuff out and forget that I'm kind of just generating a wall of text. haha.
Phersu 
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Posted 10/28/13
Sounds interesting. I'll root for you. Good luck.
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Posted 10/28/13
Thank you very much! ^_^
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Posted 10/29/13
Hmm. Have you got a plot yet? Haven't really seen anything that will make it all that eye-catching.
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Posted 10/30/13
I have the general plot for the one shot I'm going to test it out it.

It takes place several years after the Surge event, where our main protagonist is doing what he can to survive the urban apocalyptic jungle. He lives with his mom, but he spends most of his days running around rooftops to run errands for his mom's convenience store. He's what you would call a parkourist, or freerunner. Living next to the warehouse where he gets most of his mom's supplies is a girl that he has had a crush on for the past several years. But of course, he can't say anything to her, as she lives in a fenced in estate.
While coming home one day, as has happened many other days, a couple of the thugs in the local area begin to harass him... brutally. But he's agile enough and skilled enough to make a break for it and outrun them. But the next day, he gets a message saying that they "know his secret", and they tell him to meet them in the old temple outside the main city ruins. Once there, he finds the girl he has a crush on tied up in a chair. But when he rushes towards her, he is quickly assaulted. His mother finds the note the thugs left for him outside, and quickly rushes off to find him. As he suffers the brutality of the thugs, we find out the reason for his mistreatment was because his father was none other than the dictator that ruled Japan after the Surge, before the N.O.W. Organization liberated it. This dictator was part of the reason Japan had a rough time the past couple of years, due to his greedy and selfish nature, so the protagonist and his mother have caught a lot of grief because of him. The mother shows up to see what is happening, and without thinking rushes in to try and get her son back... but one of the thugs stabs her in the back. Ryuji is infuriated. His crush is being held captive, and his mother is no the verge of death, and all he can think about is keeping the two of them safe... and that's when his body ignites into blue flame. His power is fueled by the love he has for those close to him, or even just the things that he has decided in his heart that he loves. This power allows him to easily drive away the thugs. He goes to his mother, who is on the verge of death, who encourages him to follow his heart... for in his heart there lies a small hope for the future. And then she passes away. After we see him, mourning, the next thing we see is the girl waking up in her own house, thinking that being kidnapped was all just a dream. The protagonist watches a far, as he always does, and resolves in his mind to become powerful enough to protect those he cares about from any threat. It is here that a man in a dark violet trenchcoat, with a pair of golden rimmed glass, approaches him...

That's the general idea of the one shot. I haven't had a lot of time to iron out the story because I've mostly been focusing on the character design for the protagonist. I've been trying to improve my drawing/anatomy skills while doing that so it's taking a while. Especially considering that I want this to be a tad bit darker than what I've drawn/written previously. I should have some concept work down either by today or tomorrow. Sorry if it's all kind of jumbled. I haven' t really organized the story very much yet.
mhagos 
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Posted 12/3/13 , edited 12/3/13
The mechanics behind the powers -- ethereals, was it? -- sound promising, but it's probably too complex for a shonen manga. Also, the idea of a school for super-powered teens has been done to death already (Harry Potter, Soul Eater, Familiar of Zero, etc), although I guess there will always be a fan base for it.

The spiky-haired shonen male lead with "special-er" powers and powerful/influential parent(s) trope has also been done to death. IDK...I guess what I'm trying to say is that your M.C feels just like almost every other generic M.C in almost every other shonon manga I've ever read.

His face is too angular, and his hair is too spiky; the top spike especially bothers me.
The one-shot sounds promising though. If I were you, I'd probably avoid the school route...the story could definitely (IMO) do without it. The one -shot sounds promising, but I guess that's because the school-trope hasn't tainted it yet

Best of luck with your story!
I'm looking forward to seeing your progress.
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15 / M / YOUR CLOSET
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Posted 12/26/13
Nah , this is totally non-mainstream which is good for him b/c he might get serialized. The whole story really is really got me. Since you said that the main character was an outcast give him a " I don't give a fuck attitude" but really shallow and heartless but sooner realizes that he has to be open with the people beside him as an Ethereal.

over all this is a nice piece of work and i think it will be in shounen jump.GOOD LUCK BRO!!!!!!!
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M / A Library!
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Posted 12/27/13

DanielLWall wrote:

Been working on story concepts and character ideas for works I can be working on while I finish up my senior year and get ready to head to the Yamasa Institute in April (or October next year, depending). Here's one I'd like your opinions on. I do shonen manga, so I'm trying to see if you guys think this would be Shonen Jump worthy. Here we go:

In the year 2134, the world had advanced to the peak of technological capabilities... and in an international event called The Surge, a huge power surge destroyed much of the worlds technology, and now humanity resides in a global metropolis made up of the rubble of it's once glorious state.
Enter Ryu Noriyama, a rebellious and outcast middle schooler, who posseses a very unique ability. He is an "Ethereal", an engineered human who has the ability to use his emotions as a fuel for incredible power. After awakening this power, Ryu is enrolled in the Etheron Academy, a secret academy created to take in Ethereals and educate them on their power. The Academy is also responsible for locating and detaining the "Rabid", Ethereals who have let a single emotion consume their persona. But even in a school for freaks, Ryu is an outcast, but he won't stop until he has proven that there are things he can do that no one else can! And so the destiny of a small few, and the destiny of the world, begins it's perilous course.

Your opinions would be greatly appreciated. I'll upload some concept artwork soon.

EDIT:

Got rid of the other stuff because it's mostly jibberish. ^_^ Here's a quickie sketch with some quick digital color. This is the concept I have right now for the main character... I need to draw him with a more exaggerated look though. He's actually pretty goofy and hot tempered, but here he looks like he's ready to crack his knuckles. *sigh* I gotta get better at energetic expressions.



EDIT:

After "The Surge" the New Order World (NOW) Organization, the only global faction that managed to secure all remaining technology, divided Japan into five sections named after the elements: Doku, Kazeku, Hiku, Mizuku, and Soraku. The entire nation of Japan is an urban jungle excluding a few parks and national reserves. But over time nature has taken back some of it's territory and created a new world over the rubble of the Technological Age.
This is just a quick map I made of the sections that the new Japan is divided into:



Well, i don't dislike it, its actually really good, i like the concept, but in my personal opinion, i think you should go for the "this is another earth" approach. in stead of having japan split AFTER the war, have an entirely new japan and make Ryu's powers some how contribute to the cause of the war. For example, the easiest way would be to have the military give him the powers as part of some sort of top secret experiment for like, super soldiers, i don't know... they wanted a real life mega man or whatever. There can be others like him, he can have a rival sent by the military to stop him, and other world powers will eventually find out, and WANT that power too, this way, you can show off things like human greed and sacrifice for power and give the plot... more moral and philosophical weight, and i don't think i worded that right, but yeah.
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Posted 12/27/13
O_O All my threads that I'd forgotten about suddenly have replies!! Lol.

Thank you for the opinions everyone! They're actually pretty helpful! I've actually kind of archived this story for now as I want to save it for later on in my... *ahem*... career. I think it will have a lot of potential once I get some of my other skills ironed out.

I'm actually working on a story right now that revolves around a futuristic parkour sport where runners have to dodge through intense obstacle courses to reach the finish line. It's a lot deeper than that, so I'll post a thread about it soon. Gotta work on my dip pen skills.

Thank you all for giving me your feedback! I'll definitely keep record of it!
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Posted 12/29/13
Well now, it's a good idea in my opinion I'm not too sure what would be "Jump Worthy" but what the heck, give it try your plot was very good almost made me wanted to steal it... don't worry I won't do it! but I have to say, your hair color does not match your hair style very much, I always find red hairs appearance should be more silky like dripping water, in other word he should look rather emo. but don't do it if your gonna be like DBZ and make it surge upward when something cool happens (SUPER SAIYAN!), then it would look rather cool, but anything other than that, it was a good idea.

BEST OF LUCK! -Biggle
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