The way we communicate can lead to bitterness/negativity.
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Posted 10/30/13
So recently, I suddenly found myself in a position in which someone spoke to me...indirectly. At first, I wasn't even sure if it was I who was being told something, especially because ever since I was a kid I've been sort of a fool when it comes to trying to decipher certain social practices, such as being indirect. This is true in face-to-face interaction, and it takes a whole other level when it's through the interwebz, since it can get somewhat difficult to grab emotions such as suggestiveness in general, love, annoyance, anger, etc.



This transparency has been kinda hurtful and detrimental for me, but most of all, tedious. because in the same way I'm not certain if I'm being told something, I can't tell for sure if that other person is truly getting my message (I answer back in the same way for fear of messing up and doing something stupid).

After a few interchanges went through in this way, and remembering being in similar situations earlier in my life, it hit me: I was doing something incredibly stupid!! That other person didn't even know what I was trying to say, and as I went back and reflected on what I had said, I realized (first because I was told so, and later because I noticed it personally) that I had just uttered a bunch of nonsensical garbage!!

http://24.media.tumblr.com/f4bff770b2e49f9088298d15d85a8c50/tumblr_mqa39sjbJf1r012yho1_500.gif

Perhaps 18 years was too much time to realize, but it's better late than never :). I told myself, "If any relationship of any kind gets smothered for any reason, let it be anything, EXCEPT not talking to that person directly and either apologizing or just saying what you mean in a certain manner."

So yeah, perhaps if you have reached a certain age/level of maturity/experiences, you may have reached this conclusion on your own a long time ago. So based on this I want to ask:

Do you agree on being direct as a way to avoid confusion/being crystal clear?

Do you, on the other hand, think sometimes being transparent is not that important?

How often did this happen to you earlier? Does it still happen?

And lastly, have you reached a point in which some irreplaceable damage has been done because of it? (if so, you're not the only one)

Anyway, I'll be stopping now: this wall of text has become so large the Colossal Titan can't look over it. Thanks for tolerating it :).
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Posted 10/30/13 , edited 10/30/13

DubiousKyojin wrote:
So based on this I want to ask:

Do you agree on being direct as a way to avoid confusion/being crystal clear?


Direct communications between both parties is the best path to try and avoid confusion, hurt feelings, and homicide, but that will all depend on how well both parties can communicate. Just because you're speaking "face-to-face", so to speak, doesn't ensure a lack of confusion won't ensue.

However, it is the right path to take and indirectly communicating with someone is craven. Life is short. Look people in the eye and speak your mind. Especially if you're in love. Do not flinch.


Do you, on the other hand, think sometimes being transparent is not that important?


Transparency is always important, but context here will decide how transparent you need to be.Rule of thumb: you need to be only as transparent as necessary and not a bit more...except in cases of love.

Too much transparency in any discussion can lead to the confusion you're trying to avoid. You need to focus the discussion; not derail it with ad hoc tangents. Too much transparency can bifurcate the discussion resulting in a failure to resolve the original reason for the discussion.

If someone you love is begging you to open up, then do it. On the spot. Even if you're the greater fool. However, if this is a negotiation, then transparency becomes a resource to covet and ration.

Context.


How often did this happen to you earlier? Does it still happen?


A lot when I was in my 20s and dated women in their 20s. Doesn't happen anymore. I changed. I was tired of the confusion I created.


And lastly, have you reached a point in which some irreplaceable damage has been done because of it? (if so, you're not the only one)


Of course. The aggregate of my life is littered with the smoldering remains of countless friendships and intimate relationships that were burnt to the ground because of addictions, illusions, and lies.
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Posted 10/30/13 , edited 10/30/13
Do you agree on being direct as a way to avoid confusion/being crystal clear?

I believe the clearer you are in conveying a message, the better it is. I'll explain my exceptions in the next question.

Do you, on the other hand, think sometimes being transparent is not that important?

I think it often is important to seem a little transparent. It can lead to a less tense atmosphere, you can look like less of a dick if you're subtle with what you say, and depending on the subject matter being transparent can be polite. Being incredibly blunt can make some things sound like you're a dirty pre-teen who doesn't give a damn.

How often did this happen to you earlier? Does it still happen?

I'm not quite so sure how much I used to misconvey emotions. I know most people usually thought I was just being cheery and meant no harm which is good because that's what I was like. I don't recall ever being incredibly annoyed to the point I'm trying to convey my anger to someone outside of my family. As for it still happening, misunderstandings always happen but if I can see someone doesn't get what I'm saying I'll just rephrase it, or if it's in terms of emotion I'll maybe say something in a more serious or cheery tone (depending on the current situation) to get the message across.

have you reached a point in which some irreplaceable damage has been done because of it?

I don't think so. The most I can ever recall it being done is when someone thinks you're being serious after completely missing the point of a joke you've just made, to the point they can't even pick up on it from the tone of your voice. I will share one thing though. I remember once I made a 'rape joke' (yeah, bad start) and as the joke went around my school, later that week I went swimming with my mum and brother. Two girls were also at the pool and they were from my school when one called out 'Hey Matty is that the brother that raped you?'. I got into some deep shit for that.

But I often wonder if I'm naive towards the emotions people have used when they're around me, or if they've maybe meant something cruel and I've misunderstood their main intention. If they have done that would I care were I to found out now? Since it's in the past: no.
Posted 10/30/13 , edited 10/30/13
I'm a very honest direct person, I don't do that sort of thing. I noticed that females are more like to do that sort of thing, where they say something to a person, but the comment was meant for another person in the same room.

My mum likes to do that a lot, and it's annoying.


I also find it annoying when others interpret my comment as being an indirect insult for them. I'm very honest about my opinions and they always get misinterpreted by these people.



I'm a straightforward person, I don't like to play that sort of game.
Posted 10/31/13


Personally, I have charisma so it doesn't really matter whether one or two tries to take the piss. Never admitted that out loud but it's true
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Posted 10/31/13
I try to be as specific as possible out of habit.
Telepathy sounds so much nicer, just think the meaning and the other person mirrors the thought. Perfect communication requires a perfect signal and receptor, it never works when either are broken.
If somebody tried to insult me indirectly, I'd have a hard time seeing it unless it was brazenly obvious. One of those ignorance is bliss situations. I'm not sure how much I would care if they were direct about it though... because
Most insults aren't really that insulting. The ones with the most bite are the ones that are true, and well, they're true, no? so it can be taken as constructive criticism from people on the list of those you might not want to be with during a five hour train ride.
Bavalt 
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Posted 10/31/13
While I agree that if the goal is to communicate successfully, then clarity and directness are paramount, I don't generally consider nonambiguous, practical communication very fun. I'd rather people say ambiguous things to me, so I can space out considering what they were trying to say to me, tie my mind in linguistic knots, and just have a laugh or two. Verbal games are more entertaining - and far less emotionally charged - than just speaking your mind. Just imagine how fun the world would be if everybody talked in riddles.

That said, I'm terrible at it, and generally keep my own comments polite and precise, which I guess is fine, since most people don't seem to share my keen interest in being confused.
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Posted 10/31/13
97% of the information conveyed in face to face communication is lost in raw text. Unless you're setting the location and time for an appointment or some similar simple, concrete message Text is the worst way to communicate.

Sometimes a bit a diplomacy helps prevent heart feelings. but if you are so diplomatic that the other person doesn't even know what you said, the message is pointless. So... sometimes blunt and to the point is necessary. Sometimes it comes out ugly. There's not a lot science to finding the perfect words or knowing when not to use any words. communication is an art.
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Posted 11/1/13 , edited 11/1/13

GayAsianBoy wrote:
I also find it annoying when others interpret my comment as being an indirect insult for them. I'm very honest about my opinions and they always get misinterpreted by these people.


Funny that you say that, I'm pretty sure I misinterpreted something you said to me in another thread as being passive aggressive, and upon clarification I felt like a complete ass considering I suffer the same misinterpretations when trying to communicate with peers with blunt honesty.


Bavalt wrote:
most people don't seem to share my keen interest in being confused.


I know that feel...

Seems there's already a lot of thoughtful responses here.

I will say that I've always had trouble connecting with people. My social life has been rather erratic for many reasons, not the least of which is communication. I found that inconsistency in communicative patterns is probably the quickest way to create an issue. I'm often blunt when expressing my opinions and reflections, but I try to insert satirical, or simply subliminal, meanings to create more lively conversations when it seems appropriate. It doesn't always come across, but then again I can't always tell the difference. Now, the bad part is sometimes I do the opposite and express my opinion in short loaded statements in the hopes that others will think about what I've said and make of it what they will before addressing me about it. Then, I can be more specific depending on their interpretation. To me, that can make for engaging conversation.

The result I sometimes have is them taking me too seriously, or not seriously enough. They'll ultimately come to their own conclusions about me and it's difficult to gain any ground with them. It's frustrating, so I become distance and bitter and start being less blunt and more subliminal with them but without caring if they understand. Which only exasperates things. More often that not people don't respond much at all, and a connection isn't really established.

What I'd like to show people and what they see are very different.

Basically what I'm saying is don't try and gauge people like that all the time. I'm still learning, but creating uncertainty doesn't seem to help anything. It just creates more distance. But I have a love for contrast that's hard to break.
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Posted 11/3/13 , edited 11/3/13
Text really is one of the worst ways to chat. I've seen many occasions where someone took something in the wrong way.

Edit: For a while I started using emoticons to help get the right way across to people when I would text them.
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Posted 11/3/13
Say what you mean and mean what you say. If people still can't figure out what you are trying to say, there was no sense talking to them in the first place.
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Posted 11/26/14
Year-end cleaning. Removing threads that have been inactive since 2013.
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