The Force (it's about cops)
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25 / M / The Midwest
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Posted 11/10/13
A'ight. So I took a writing class awhile back with a really bad teacher. At one point we had to write a short, one-act play, and I did, and I thought it turned out pretty good to be honest. My teacher never graded it or gave me any feedback, and never responded to my e-mails. So I present this short work to you, the people, to hear your opinions and critique instead.

The Force


FRANK: (Late 30s) Average height and build with black, greasy hair, and a face used to frowning. Wears a police uniform very seriously. Loves his job, but is displeased with how the people treat police officers nowadays, and how much bureaucracy has taken over his work. He is rough and blunt with most people, but is not cruel.
EDDIE: (Early 30s) Taller and wider than average with short, curly, brown hair. Another police officer. He has a passive look on his face most times, but takes his job seriously when he needs to. To him, being a man of the law is just a job to pay the bills. He is fine with his current life, and has no real dedication to the force, but sticks with it anyways.

TIME

Today

SETTING

A taped-off sidewalk on the streets of New York City. Early in the morning just as the sun is rising.

The scene opens on the side of the street in the big city, apartment buildings cluster together all around the block. Frank is looking down and grumbling over a chalk outline of a body on the sidewalk. Eddie ducks under the police tape with a cup of coffee from the local gas station. He approaches Frank.

EDDIE: (Glances at the outline with little expression on his face) So what we lookin' at here, Frank?

FRANK: (Without looking up.) Twenty-something year old Caucasian female, fell from her sixth-story window in the dead of the night. No signs of a struggle, no suicide note, no nothin'.

EDDIE: Jeezus. She live all alone?

FRANK: Yeah, looks like she was a local college student, waitress in the evenings to pay the rent.

EDDIE: (Taking a sip of his coffee.) You think it was vampires or somethin'?

FRANK: (Looks up at Eddie for the first time with an incredulous expression on his face) Vampires, Eddie?

EDDIE: Yeah, I mean, it could have been. An innocent, young girl livin' all alone would make a pretty easy target.
Maybe one of 'em went home with her one night, and then when she realizes what he is, she panics and falls out da window in her haste to get away.

FRANK: Eddie. (He starts with a patient voice.) We already had a case with vampires in it earlier this year. How likely do you think it is we're gonna be havin' another one so soon?

EDDIE: (Putting his empty palm up to try and defend himself.) I'm just say-

FRANK: (Cutting him off.) We flew all the way to FREAKING CHINA and had to fight our way though AN ARMY OF UNDEAD so we could nab the head vampire and throw him in the slammer. (Under his breath.) Chinese vampires, who'da thunk it?

EDDIE: (Smiling as he relives the memory) Aw yeah, that case would have made for a hell of an action movie.

FRANK: (Annoyed.) It would have, but what do we get instead? A DEMOTION! They take away our squad car and have us patrolling the streets like a couple a rookies.

EDDIE: Nothing we could have done 'bout that, Frank. It was outside our jurisdiction, we never shoulda done it. We were lucky they didn't fire us instead.

FRANK: (Shaking his head in disgust.) What's the world comin' to these days? I remember, there was a guy on the force back in the sixties who chased a Wendigo all the way up and into Canada, and that man shook hands with the president because of it!

EDDIE: They made a hell of a movie out of that one, they did.

FRANK: They did, but my point is we probably ain't gonna run into no more vampires for awhile.

EDDIE: Say what you want Frank, but all I know is that I feel a whole lot safer sleeping under a clove of garlic these days.

FRANK: (Under his breath.) Yeah, me too.

EDDIE: (Nodding towards the chalk outline.) So what you think happened to her then?

FRANK: (Turns away from the scene.) I dunno, probably just left the window open and tripped over something. This is somebody else's case anyways, I was just takin' a look at it.

EDDIE: (Looks at his coffee.) Yeah... Hey, you eat anything yet? I'm pretty sure there's a doughnut shop two or three blocks from here.

FRANK: (Turns to stare at his partner again.) Eddie, you really wanna be that cop? Sittin' in a window, eating doughnuts and drinkin' coffee?

EDDIE: (Smiling.) That's half the reason I joined the force, Frank.

FRANK: (Under his breath.) Fair point, and that don't sound too bad right 'bout now. (Starts to walk in the direction of the shop.) A'ight, let's get going then.

EDDIE: (Quickening his pace to catch up to Frank.) You think that place is even open this early?

FRANK: (Putting his arm on his friend's shoulder, he lightens his tone.) It's a twenty-four hour shop, Eddie. It's ALWAYS open.

The two officers exit the stage together.
Lights fade.
End
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22 / F / Canada
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Posted 11/11/13
I just want to let you know that I am an amateur at plays, and whatever comments I have are yours for interpretation.

At first I didn't really think much of this play. The characterization, dialogue and comic relief were good, but the plot wasn't really much. I didn't see what the conflict was or anything, so I was confused. But I read it a couple more times, and I think I could see it a bit clearer. Is it about being unappreciated? I felt that the point of the play was to demonstrate the impersonal, unappreciative characteristics of the bureaucracy in law enforcement (or in general) and the apathy present in regards to the bureaucratic society's decisions.

I'm reading too much into it, aren't I? So in all, I think it was okay. It'd be more interesting to see these two characters in a more complex situation though.

P.S. Remember, I'm just an amateur at plays. Please don't kill me >.<
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25 / M / The Midwest
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Posted 11/12/13
Well that's not wrong, but really I just wrote it as something a little fun. The idea of scenes taking place after all the action is said and done is one that really interests me, and with something like this that just gives a few hints of what "the exciting part" was can let the reader imagine how things went down and fill in the gaps with their own story.

That being said, I really wasn't going anywhere with this. It was just a short play I did for class that I wanted to get a few laughs out of. If someone can read it and say to themselves, "that was pretty funny" then that's enough for me.
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Posted 11/12/13
spell things correctly like "Jesus". It's going to sound the same however you spell it, so spell it correctly.
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Posted 11/12/13

schnipdip wrote:

spell things correctly like "Jesus". It's going to sound the same however you spell it, so spell it correctly.


Yes, everyone speaks exactly the same as each other and in perfect English in real life. No colloquialisms, no alternate pronunciations, no accents, no differences at all. That's what dialogue is like in real life.

Try reading a book or something someday. Hell, even in manga and anime a lot of translators will do stuff like that in order to keep the spirit of the original Japanese.

Now if you have anything useful to say, you're welcome to share.
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Posted 11/12/13

Mikexperiment wrote:


schnipdip wrote:

spell things correctly like "Jesus". It's going to sound the same however you spell it, so spell it correctly.


Yes, everyone speaks exactly the same as each other and in perfect English in real life. No colloquialisms, no alternate pronunciations, no accents, no differences at all. That's what dialogue is like in real life.

Try reading a book or something someday. Hell, even in manga and anime a lot of translators will do stuff like that in order to keep the spirit of the original Japanese.

Now if you have anything useful to say, you're welcome to share.


Well, spelling counts. How many different ways can you say "Jesus"? Unless you're speaking Spanish, then is sounds like "Hey-zeus".

I'm not saying you can't spell things differently to make them sound different when reading. There are words that sound the same no matter how they are spelled. For example, you spell "Jesus" as "Jeezus". When read, they sound exactly the same. So it's best to spell it correctly.
Unless your goal is to make it sound more childish, then spell it that way. If it's not, then spell it correctly.
30839 cr points
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25 / M / The Midwest
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Posted 11/12/13

schnipdip wrote:

Well, spelling counts. How many different ways can you say "Jesus"? Unless you're speaking Spanish, then is sounds like "Hey-zeus".

I'm not saying you can't spell things differently to make them sound different when reading. There are words that sound the same no matter how they are spelled. For example, you spell "Jesus" as "Jeezus". When read, they sound exactly the same. So it's best to spell it correctly.
Unless your goal is to make it sound more childish, then spell it that way. If it's not, then spell it correctly.


There is a difference in sound. Would it be more clear to you if I wrote it as "Gee-zus", so you know there's more separation between the syallables the way he says it? Not only that, but writing it that way makes it more clear that it's an exclamation of sorts, and can show his more casual personality, and that he doesn't speak formally.

There's more to word choice and spelling than just the sound alone.
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