~Waking Moment~ Critic my Novel!
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27 / M / NJ
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Posted 6/23/07 , edited 6/23/07
Introduction


* My American name is Daniel Sun Yang.
* My Korean name is Yang Sun Woo.
* I'm a 17 year old high school student
* I recently started to write, and so far, loving it.
* I'm starting to have side effects from writing in 'first person' too much.
* I'm also starting to have side effects of, "over analyzing everything"

Info

This is the very beginning of my book. It is describing what the main character goes through before he wakes up in the dark hospital room, with no memories. He is obviously very confused, and has to re-analyze every aspect of his new life. To make things more complicated, the mystery of the day of his accident, starts to unfold.

It's a story of memories, and how important they are in our lives.


Please critique with a BIG mallet! :-[ *spiky mallet*
Please try to make me cry by making fun of my grammar, spelling, style, stupidity! just try! It'll help me.

Let the blunt trauma begin!

Waking Moment


That feeling, I wonder what it was. Accompanied only with darkness, strange sounds echoed throughout the shadows, each echo received with a headache. Was there a wall, hidden behind the shadows? Yet, I did not expect an explanation, not questioning my surrounding any further. My body was floating soundlessly as if feathers supported me. I placed my hand gently on my chest, listening for the beat of my heart. Faintly, I heard the dulled beat. "I'm still alive".

Suddenly, images of my life came in flashes, retelling stories of my childhood. My thoughts brushed gently on the surface of my past life, being fully aware of myself. Then quietly, the images faded until I saw no more.

I didn't have the time to ponder upon what I was experiencing. I felt a sudden jerk on my entire body, although I felt no pain. It felt as if my entire life was being drained, as if my soul was taking a new shape, pouring what used to be me, into the dark abyss. As eternity slowly reached its end, my memory came down in trickles, leaving me to wait for the last drop to disturb the dark pool of water that formed underneath me. I was confused, but despite what was happening, I felt completely at peace. Breathlessly, I muttered, "Ah, so this is what it feels like to lose everything".

As the last drop of water became part of the vast dark ocean beneath me, I was overwhelmed with a new sensation. Emotions, like air filling my lungs, filled the emptiness inside me. I was being rebuilt with raw emotion, stripped of it's flesh, burning as it went through me. I frantically tried to reach for the ocean far beneath me, but a pain shot through my body, then abated. I continued to float over the blurry sea, as the pain slowly diminished, until silence took over, making me rigid. As the echoes of my pain diminished, tears welled up, and I began to cry. Without any reason, I poured out my lament and regret. It became unbearable without the memories to justify the sadness, but I continued to cry, not being able to stop. I looked up into what would be the sky, tears still streaming down my cheeks.

My life became barren and cold, without a single ray of comfort. Curled up to ward off the cold, I carefully looked around, turning my head slowly, looking for something other than the uniform darkness that seemed to cage me. Far in the distance, I saw a mysterious fog that glided above the horizon, moving toward me. For the first time, I was scared. Scared that I no longer had anything to lose, scared that solitude no longer bothered me, and scared of the unknown. No one was there to protect me.

In the distance, there was a disturbance in the fog's form. Suddenly, a sharp gale of wind hit me. I blinked heavily, keeping an eye straight ahead. I noticed that the cold wind brought a scent of humid air, surrounding me until it became part of the environment. The wind slowed to a breeze, becoming serene to the point where my eyes were barely open, half asleep. Before long, the fog got close enough where I could have reached out to touch it, but I no longer cared. The shapeless body of haze stopped and grouped in front of me, giving off a soft light as it did. It emitted the same feeling of comfort as before, except stronger than ever.

I didn't care about what was happening anymore, yet tears still fell into the abyss below, not giving off a single sound. The fog started to move once again. It came so close that I could almost make out what was on the other side. As it slowly enveloped my body, chill turned into warmth, and sight became darkness. My mind became clearer, clarifying a few of the many sounds that previously pained my head. The rhythmic beat of rain, wailing trees, wind rushing against the window, and the sound of passing cars. My body noticeably became heavier, falling closer and closer to the ocean. I whispered a single word that even I couldn't make out, and fell into a slumber, not knowing if I could ever wake up again.
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27 / 横浜市
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Posted 6/23/07
You write very well, but remember overusing emotive metaphors can get very tiring for a reader. Not to sound overly critical, if the entire chapter is like this, you run the risk of losing reader interest.
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27 / M / In la la la land
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Posted 6/23/07
It's just too long to read..
but as far as I read, it's pretty emotional.
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37 / F / Fort Meade, MD
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Posted 6/23/07
Sorry, I couldn't get past the first three paragraphs. Too many unneeded descriptive words. Shorter sentances get the point across. Example..


What you wrote:
Suddenly, images of my life came in flashes, retelling stories of my childhood. My thoughts brushed gently on the surface of my past life, being fully aware of myself. Then quietly, the images faded until I saw no more.

My edit:
Images from my past came in flashes. My childhood playing before my eyes. My thoughts sidled into images from a life not mine, my past life? I was completely aware of myself, as the images faded.

Or

Images of my life came in flashes, retelling my childhood. My thoughts brushed gently on the surface of my past life, yet I was fully aware of myself. Then the images faded.


Just how I viewed it as a reader....
This BTW is constructive critisism. Please don't take it poorly.
Something to think about when you're writing: If you assume you need to spell everything out for your audience, then you do... If you assume your audience has a brain, then thier imaginations will take over, and you don't have to write as much.
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24 / F / USA
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Posted 6/21/09
you have to get more into the point you write pretty well but if you continue like this you will lost your readers interest
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M / from the depths o...
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Posted 6/22/09
hmm. I agree with the people above me. I don't know if this is the right word for it, but its too 'poetical' if you know what I mean. Its like, it takes effort to read it. Like what the others said, if the other chapters is going to be like this, you might IMO lose readers. try to write in a more casual way. peace.
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26 / M / New York City, NY
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Posted 6/28/09 , edited 6/28/09
It seems like you want to pull the reader into the story through emotion alone. You're using very descriptive language for an event where no one knows what the hell is going on, and that's frustrating.

Also, "show, don't tell." I recommend Chekhov's "The Huntsman" or Hemingway or Raymond Carver to see how the authors convey emotion through the careful description of action and story structure.

Good luck Daniel.
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35 / M / Philippines
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Posted 7/2/09
Hi!, can anyone read a novel I made? It's only chapter 1 but I'm currently making the chapter 2 now. SO if you have time, would you mind reading it and giving some comments and suggestion,,.. Here's the link http://asakuranovels.blogspot.com/
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22 / F / Earth, dnt bother...
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Posted 7/2/09

sunwooz wrote:

Introduction


* My American name is Daniel Sun Yang.
* My Korean name is Yang Sun Woo.
* I'm a 17 year old high school student
* I recently started to write, and so far, loving it.
* I'm starting to have side effects from writing in 'first person' too much.
* I'm also starting to have side effects of, "over analyzing everything"

Info

This is the very beginning of my book. It is describing what the main character goes through before he wakes up in the dark hospital room, with no memories. He is obviously very confused, and has to re-analyze every aspect of his new life. To make things more complicated, the mystery of the day of his accident, starts to unfold.

It's a story of memories, and how important they are in our lives.


Please critique with a BIG mallet! :-[ *spiky mallet*
Please try to make me cry by making fun of my grammar, spelling, style, stupidity! just try! It'll help me.

Let the blunt trauma begin!

Waking Moment


That feeling, I wonder what it was. Accompanied only with darkness, strange sounds echoed throughout the shadows, each echo received with a headache. Was there a wall, hidden behind the shadows? Yet, I did not expect an explanation, not questioning my surrounding any further. My body was floating soundlessly as if feathers supported me. I placed my hand gently on my chest, listening for the beat of my heart. Faintly, I heard the dulled beat. "I'm still alive".

Suddenly, images of my life came in flashes, retelling stories of my childhood. My thoughts brushed gently on the surface of my past life, being fully aware of myself. Then quietly, the images faded until I saw no more.

I didn't have the time to ponder upon what I was experiencing. I felt a sudden jerk on my entire body, although I felt no pain. It felt as if my entire life was being drained, as if my soul was taking a new shape, pouring what used to be me, into the dark abyss. As eternity slowly reached its end, my memory came down in trickles, leaving me to wait for the last drop to disturb the dark pool of water that formed underneath me. I was confused, but despite what was happening, I felt completely at peace. Breathlessly, I muttered, "Ah, so this is what it feels like to lose everything".

As the last drop of water became part of the vast dark ocean beneath me, I was overwhelmed with a new sensation. Emotions, like air filling my lungs, filled the emptiness inside me. I was being rebuilt with raw emotion, stripped of it's flesh, burning as it went through me. I frantically tried to reach for the ocean far beneath me, but a pain shot through my body, then abated. I continued to float over the blurry sea, as the pain slowly diminished, until silence took over, making me rigid. As the echoes of my pain diminished, tears welled up, and I began to cry. Without any reason, I poured out my lament and regret. It became unbearable without the memories to justify the sadness, but I continued to cry, not being able to stop. I looked up into what would be the sky, tears still streaming down my cheeks.

My life became barren and cold, without a single ray of comfort. Curled up to ward off the cold, I carefully looked around, turning my head slowly, looking for something other than the uniform darkness that seemed to cage me. Far in the distance, I saw a mysterious fog that glided above the horizon, moving toward me. For the first time, I was scared. Scared that I no longer had anything to lose, scared that solitude no longer bothered me, and scared of the unknown. No one was there to protect me.

In the distance, there was a disturbance in the fog's form. Suddenly, a sharp gale of wind hit me. I blinked heavily, keeping an eye straight ahead. I noticed that the cold wind brought a scent of humid air, surrounding me until it became part of the environment. The wind slowed to a breeze, becoming serene to the point where my eyes were barely open, half asleep. Before long, the fog got close enough where I could have reached out to touch it, but I no longer cared. The shapeless body of haze stopped and grouped in front of me, giving off a soft light as it did. It emitted the same feeling of comfort as before, except stronger than ever.

I didn't care about what was happening anymore, yet tears still fell into the abyss below, not giving off a single sound. The fog started to move once again. It came so close that I could almost make out what was on the other side. As it slowly enveloped my body, chill turned into warmth, and sight became darkness. My mind became clearer, clarifying a few of the many sounds that previously pained my head. The rhythmic beat of rain, wailing trees, wind rushing against the window, and the sound of passing cars. My body noticeably became heavier, falling closer and closer to the ocean. I whispered a single word that even I couldn't make out, and fell into a slumber, not knowing if I could ever wake up again.



Yeah its good. As you said you have side effects of writing in first person, well maybe you should try including other characters too, i think it would sound more interesting that way. Also, i noticed you describe everything, try make your first text simple yet interesting to catch the readers attention. I would have a question, what is your target audience, what age group would be reading this?

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21 / F / l o s t i n t...
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Posted 7/2/09 , edited 7/2/09
It's very descriptive. You should make it a few para. shorter and as pl have said before, readers wil be tired reading all those metaphors.
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Posted 7/7/09
Dude what the heck? This whole thing just to describe how some dude died? Well I hope you have a hot guy as the main character, which redeems this whole thing. And maybe you can throw in another hot guy just in case one isn't enough. And then you should have about 4 bad guys who are also hot. Then your book would be the best thing ever.
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23 / F / philippinEs...
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Posted 7/13/09
...well, using the first pers0n p0int 0f view eh?
-i d0n't really like reading n0vels in the first pers0n--even "twilight saga" by stephanie meYer -(s0rry t0 the fans) stills b0thers me, maybe because am used reading the 3rd pers0n..
-s0rry i didn't really read fully y0ur n0vel,..
it's nice using metaph0rs but 0verusing them messing ur n0vel up. I mean, in the first paragraph it was 0k but g0ing 0n the f0ll0wing paragraphs, it gets kind 0f nasty..a pers0n wh0's w0uld get headaches reading this kind 0f n0vel!-"why n0t get t0 the p0int?!"/"what the hell is hapenning?!"

DanieL, reading this n0vel is like reading p0ems..-h0nestly...
imaginati0n is being used in reading st0ries 0r n0vels and even essays at times, but when i red urs, -its the anaLytical understanding brain part that i'm using..

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F / Nova Scotia
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Posted 9/5/09
Please post your stories here:
Creative Works Thread
http://www.crunchyroll.com/showforumtopic?id=3668

Thanks!

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