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How does Love turn into Intense Hatred?
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Posted 12/17/13

ohsostarryskyed wrote:

I came to hate someone who claimed to love me to the moon and back, and that might be just as bad. There was once a boy in my life who tried to give me everything, but I didn't want any of it; I felt pressured, tired, and broken up inside because I couldn't love him back, and that turned into self-hate because I was so...awful, and resentment towards him for trying so hard. Both of us were pushing in opposite directions, which caused a standstill. Animosity grew, and one day I found someone I did like. He swore up and down it would change nothing, and I just snapped. I told him to go away forever, that he deserved someone better, and that I couldn't deal with him anymore.

I really hurt him.

He was a good friend, too, up until he started wanting more. I was 16 when this happened, so it was young 'love,' the kind that doesn't always make sense later. It wasn't one of my finest moments in life, and to this day I wonder what would happen. We haven't spoken since. I see him around sometimes, and I think it's better that we're apart. Wounds can heal, but there are times when someone scars you in a way that may not heal for years to come. Friends report that he is happy, and I myself am, but he and I can't be friends. Not yet. There'd be too much that would hang in the silences.

Just sharing what it's like to be on the other side - the side who initiates. It's hard for everyone. Stay strong and you'll one day be able to let go of animosity or lost love. One day it won't hurt to hear their name or see their face anymore.


I know exactly where you're coming from, and I really feel for you. Sometimes they don't understand how exhausting and unfair it is when they heap the love in your direction and just expect you to return it, whether you're ready and willing or not. You're totally right about both parties suffering, nobody being left unscathed. Things can just get nasty and messy and never look the same. But I admire you having the strength to move past it and still have empathy for the boy you hurt long ago. It's very sweet.
Posted 12/17/13 , edited 12/17/13
I don't understand and based on my views on love and relationships, I can't see how that can happen or how you can consider that to have been love.

In my opinion, love is selfless and unconditional. It requires nothing in return. You love someone because you just do, not because you expect them to love you too or do anything for you or treat you a certain way. Therefore, it's natural to get hurt when you love someone. But for that pain to turn into hatred, it means that it may not have been love.

We hate for selfish reasons. You hate this person because he couldn't pay back the "love" that you think you've given. You hate him because you expected him to also be hurt or to care that you're hurt, but instead he disappointed you by appearing indifferent to the whole thing. You hate because you think you've wasted your time. You hate because you couldn't get anything out of something that you think you've put so much into. You hate because you're hurt. And yes, that's perfectly natural. You're only human. But none of that, in my view, stems from love.

The reason you hate him is because you love, yes. But not because you loved him. You hate him because you love yourself. The kind of hatred you speak of stems out of feeling pity for yourself. Feelings of insecurity, rejection, helplessness, or weakness often get replaced by anger and hatred. No one likes feeling those things. No one especially likes to dwell on those negative feelings and in order to offset them, we usually redirect them outward onto something else. We pick something to blame and we focus our energies on that thing. That is how we hate. That is how you hate. You took your pain and you blamed it all on that one person whom you thought you truly loved.

I, too, have been hurt before. I loved someone very much but it didn't work out. Still, I hoped and waited because even after getting hurt, I still loved him. No matter what happened between us, no matter what he did that hurt me, I could never bring myself to hate that person. Never. I was young then and still quite immature. I hadn't learned enough to understand everything. But it's been over seven years now. And if there's something I learned, it's that it didn't matter what he was to me or if we were ever going to be together again. I love him and that is enough. I don't need anything. I don't get hurt anymore either. That's because I no longer have expectations. I don't require anything in return. I focus on myself and do what I want to do. It was more painful to force myself to deny how I feel so I stopped doing that. I'm really happy now. Mostly because I've stopped fighting with myself.

I'm not saying that you should do what I did or think like I do. All I'm saying is, it mustn't have been love. Therefore, you should shake it off and keep going. Because when you do find love, I'm sure you'll be able to tell the difference.
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Posted 12/17/13 , edited 12/26/13
Edit: I'm just gonna delete my whole story because I just realized how embarrassing it was. It probably won't help either.
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Posted 12/17/13 , edited 12/17/13
Love is also not perfect, and many a people put conditions on those they love. Hatred usually stems from pain, and believe me, with love comes pain, if you don't think it does, you are in some kind of fairy tale illusion of love.
Hate and Love and are 2 strong emotions and can be linked, I'm not happy that I hate him, but I do, and that doesn't mean there was never love there.
Thanks for you reply, though we differ on certain aspects.








demongurrl13 wrote:

I don't understand and based on my views on love and relationships, I can't see how that can happen or how you can consider that to have been love.

In my opinion, love is selfless and unconditional. It requires nothing in return. You love someone because you just do, not because you expect them to love you too or do anything for you or treat you a certain way. Therefore, it's natural to get hurt when you love someone. But for that pain to turn into hatred, it means that it may not have been love.

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Posted 12/17/13 , edited 12/17/13
There are two factors here:

The first is the most obvious. When you care for and are close to someone, you let your guard down. You learn to depend on that person. When betrayed, the emotional trauma is far more significant than if a stranger had done the same thing. They're simply closer and therefore able to more easily and profoundly wound you than someone kept at a distance could. In that way, a betrayal can turn love into hatred quite quickly.

The second thing that people in general, and young people in particular do not understand is that love and hate are not opposites. They can (and frequently do) exist simultaneously. Just as the opposite of the taste "sweet" is not sour, but rather "bitter," The opposite of love is not hatred, but rather the opposite of love is apathy. Love and hatred both involve a great deal of emotional dedication, both quicken the pulse and amplify sensations, and both influence our decisions greatly. By contrast, apathy does nothing for us. In that regard, love and hate are the same type of emotion - they have similar effects on the mind and body. It is easy for love and hatred to be interchanged because of this.
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Posted 12/17/13
Hmmm... can't say I have had a love/friendship turn into intense hatred... i'm a really laid back guy... even the girl who cheated on me after a 3 year long relationship I forgave... given I didn't stay with her, i'm not an idiot, but I wasn't mad at her or anything.
Posted 12/17/13 , edited 12/17/13
I tend to just lose the will to live for a little while then get back up when someone betrays me since I've been getting it since a youngin. I can actually see where you're coming from. I consider ending up hating someone you used to love prideful and arrogant but what the heck, fuck them. Kill them if it makes you feel any better, some people deserve it. .
Posted 12/17/13

CalifCat wrote:

many a people put conditions on those they love


I am curious about this. Why?

Does it mean that if those conditions aren't met, you no longer love that person?
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Posted 12/17/13

demongurrl13 wrote:


CalifCat wrote:

many a people put conditions on those they love


I am curious about this. Why?

Does it mean that if those conditions aren't met, you no longer love that person?


It usually means you don't accept the other person as they are, and want to change them or don't want them to change. You probably still love the person, but people inevitably end up putting conditions on others. It can be don't cut your hair, don't gain weight, don't drink, don't talk to other guys/girls, those are just small examples. In my opinion, conditions are usually about control and insecurity in the other person dolling them out.
Posted 12/17/13 , edited 12/17/13

CalifCat wrote:

It usually means you don't accept the other person as they are, and want to change them or don't want them to change. You probably still love the person, but people inevitably end up putting conditions on others. It can be don't cut your hair, don't gain weight, don't drink, don't talk to other guys/girls, those are just small examples. In my opinion, conditions are usually about control and insecurity in the other person dolling them out.


If people find that necessary, then I guess I'm more curious about the answer to the question: why do people love?
Posted 12/17/13
I always knew hatred was a stronger word.
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Posted 12/17/13 , edited 12/17/13
I was in a relationship of roughly 5 years with someone before - didn't end up working out in the end and I'm pretty sure I got blunt end of the damage. Even so, I still can't say that I hate her after what we went through - sure, there were several times where I thought I did and all of that. But in all honesty, but looking back several times, I hated the fact that I still cared about her. I hated the fact that I still had feelings for her. I didn't hate her.. I hated myself for feeling these things.

I've felt it before.. giving your entire self to the person, the insanity of figuring out whatever the hell you were feeling, and the person you love not giving a damn about you. 2 years later, I wish to say that I don't have any feelings for her left, but that would be a lie. At the end of the day, even with no contacts, her having found another: I could never hate her. I still care about her. I still wish her the best in life.

As for how I found this escape route for my jumble of feelings.. well, I just accepted it. I accepted that we weren't meant to be. I accepted the fact that I will always have some sort of feelings for her and that it's okay as long as she's happy in the end.

You may have heard this a lot of times but it works: It'll take awhile but just focus on moving forward with your life - busy yourself, find a new hobby to channel your emotions through (sports/games), talk to friends/family about it.
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Posted 12/17/13

demongurrl13 wrote:


CalifCat wrote:

It usually means you don't accept the other person as they are, and want to change them or don't want them to change. You probably still love the person, but people inevitably end up putting conditions on others. It can be don't cut your hair, don't gain weight, don't drink, don't talk to other guys/girls, those are just small examples. In my opinion, conditions are usually about control and insecurity in the other person dolling them out.


If people find that necessary, then I guess I'm more curious about the answer to the question: why do people love?


They just do, it's science.
http://www.thenakedscientists.com/HTML/articles/article/clairemcloughlincolumn1.htm/
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Posted 12/20/13
Maybe when a person gets too attached to the other person, but the other person is not and then breaks up? Most of the time when people say they "love" they expect the other party to return the same amount of feelings for them; which might lead to disappointment. Then, when the person starts blaming the other, it could turn into hate.
Posted 12/20/13
I can say it in one word... Betrayal..
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