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A Creation Myth that doesn't Suck
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25 / F / New Jersey, USA
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Posted 1/23/14
What???
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24 / F / Johnstown, PA, USA
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Posted 1/23/14
"I swear I was only trying to bake a cake."
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Posted 1/23/14

Lethargic_leopard_Seal wrote:

In the beginning, there was a man, and that man was Bruce Lee.







After the Big Bang, He spent 13.7 billion years meditating on the subjects of life and love atop the event horizon of what would eventually become the Milky Way's center. From the eternal black upon which Lee was perched, glowing hydrogen gathered about, coalescing into a bright lumpy disk. These lumps, one after another, exploded in sequential cascades of elements unknown even to Lee. Matter continued to collect; swirling into a freckled blue spiral of gaseous cosmic soft serve, and from it, lumps in the swirls took shape. These were unlike the glowing gas giants of the young age though. They were solid, immovable juggernauts bowing only to the will of more stable stars. Like himself, these protrusions among the astral clouds quietly meditated as they circled the stars that birthed them. Among the billions of planets there was one that did not take up the example set by Bruce Lee's time absent meditation. Struck with curiosity for the first time, he set forth to the mysterious planet just as the black hole belched a white hot protest of particles so intensely thin that it seemed to pierce space itself. Lee took this as an omen for what to expect upon completing his journey to that obstinate stone.

When he saw that a planet writhe with conflict and turmoil emerged from the swirling mist of metal and gas, he went forth to quail the warring rocky marble.
Upon touching down in the mountains where silk swaddled monks sing to the stars, he birthed martial arts into every shimmering neuron, knowing that it would take the eb and flow of the universe itself to calm humanity's tumultuous typhoon of conflict. Bruce lee left the planet believing that he had done enough for the psychotic apes to provide for them, an untold era of peace upon the planet formed of contrary forces. Many years later, Lee returned from his vacation among the astral plain to find humanity not only shattered the unity of universe-fu and divided its pieces among the seven land masses, but these clever carbon sausages found a way to make it obsolete. He knew that it was again time to restore balance to the orb on the edge of Orion, but the stoic ways of the monks died along with universe-fu. Bruce Lee did find though, that humanity loved to see others of their kind dance about on silver sheets pelted with light. It was through this medium that Bruce lee would restore balance.

Using his universe-fu he forced audiences into flailing convulsions of raised hands and enthusiastic shouting. Outside the venue of Lee’s performance, hands of two kinds slapped together followed with unanimous retorts of “That was awesome! Let’s see it again!” Lee was satisfied somewhat, with the peaceful aura tinged with a taste of shared body odor emanating from the audience. He knew that as long as his presence on screen persisted, the violent nature of his ape audience would remain in check, and that is why there are no Bruce Lee jokes.


Still better than most religions.

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Posted 12/27/15
Year-end cleaning. Closing threads with no new posts since 2014.
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