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How to Properly pas Gas in Public
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23 / M / California
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Posted 1/28/14 , edited 1/28/14
As many of you are aware, a solid fart gives off a hefty trumpet followed by an equally vocal stink, but flatulence is a bit more varied than that of course. There are the gases that mingle with intestinal slurry, bubbling forth and slapping butt cheeks upon exit, and in contrast, some farts bring the Sahara’s explosive dry heat in a furious shockwave of pants splitting power! Some chirp out C notes, others wisp silently into the room with the goal of simultaneously smothering all occupants with sulfuric acid and fatty roast beef. Here we will explore a handful of the various bacterial by-products and their proper placement in various social situations, based solely on conjecture, with a dash of pseudoscience.

The fart that we all know and love tends to pop out somewhere between wet and dry, proceeding to gain pitch as fuel runs short. It’s a universal fart- uncontroversial in that it wafts away with almost no vengeful afterthoughts on its wind. If you feel the need to open your jiggly flood gates to this weary traveler, feel free to let it pass without paying. No matter what the occasion, the worst outcome for you is a small number of snickers and giggles. If you want a real crowd pleaser though, and you’re not afraid of hearty laughter or some vocal jabs from your unintended audience, let that dry sand storm fart right out. With Earthshaking effects on your trousers and chairs this Egyptian protest will frighten the elderly. You’ll probably be a little shaken yourself from the sheer noise and pressure, but even with the cheeks on your face blood-red, the heroic explosions from your nether cheeks will possibly be met with applause. Even the elderly who weren’t sent into cardiac arrest will give you a papery laugh. In fact, the only danger here is that you might alienate yourself from some fart snobs, so the next time you meet up with those snobs in an enclosed area, let your lethal winds loose.

The silent fart is well-known for its lethality, and as mentioned above, used best in enclosed areas; specifically elevators. The goal here is not to draw attention for your anal accident. These take practice along with a proper dose of eggs and European sausages. You’ll want to bring a friend or coworker along so the two of you, to the dismay of other occupants, can play “Gas Chamber”- a game that’s more satisfying when your victims can’t escape, so take strategic spots on an airplane for smell making on a near industrial level. People will absolutely hate you if they find you’re the root cause of the gas chamber’s emissions, but you don’t know these people anyway. Their only repose is the layover.

There are, in this world, dark farts; farts that are cherished only by men in private accommodations. These, are the wet farts. There is no place in public where these can safely be deposited, and there is no honor in doing so. A wet fart is a precursor to a passing of poo so loose, so unbearably pungent that people in public bathrooms will question your health. Lighting this bubbling beacon will bring you nothing but deathly facial expressions; in public that is. Among good friends, dropping smelly hydrogen bombs is acceptably manly, and honestly, quite comical. Just remember that anywhere else, a wet fart is a boxer staining slip n’ slide down the social ladder.

Now, maybe you’re in a situation where playing gas chamber or proudly announcing the good work of your intestinal bacteria isn’t an option. Maybe you’re at a funeral or a congressional hearing. That is when you must pass gas in short controlled bursts! With this method, even the mighty pop of the Egyptian hell storm can be diffused, with the gas evenly distributed throughout the vicinity. This can be done one of two ways. While you’re seated, as in a congressional hearing, begin to bleed off air from the reservoir. Be patient though. When it comes to noise making farts, the key is to precisely release the gas when flow is high and pressure is low. If you were standing before people or just endured the discomfort of looking at a dead guy you never really knew, apply the seated method as you walk back to your seat. This will stand in as a less lethal form of “Gas Chamber”, and you’re likely to get away with it. Most importantly though. Let those farts- whatever you’re holding- rip across the room like an angry berserker caught wind of them. Your colon will thank you, and maybe with an empty ballast, you can fit into tighter jeans.
Posted 1/28/14
Shingeki no Kyoijn's fart porn has made me resistant to your eloquent humor, sir Lethargic_leopard_Seal.
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25 / M / Inside Lorreen's...
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Posted 1/28/14
Posted 1/28/14
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34 / M / Maine (U.S)
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Posted 1/28/14
Wow,lmao man, great post, had me laughing really hard after the first paragraph.
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21 / F / California
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Posted 1/28/14
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M / US
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Posted 1/28/14
Just calmly walk around a crowd and keep going after you drop that bomb. They'll never know.
Sogno- 
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Posted 1/28/14
tranquil as a forest, but a fire withiiiin
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25 / M / Georgia
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Posted 1/29/14 , edited 1/29/14
He-gassen!
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31 / M / Liverpool, England
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Posted 1/29/14
Do it loudly, then glare at the person sat closest to you. Misdirection is the key for any fart ninja.

Remember: fart jokes are cultural - they appear as early as the 13th century.
Posted 1/29/14
Blame it on anyone but yourself.
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Posted 1/29/14 , edited 1/29/14
Learn farting ventriloquism I know it is difficult to master, but when you do you'll never get blamed.
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「Your Toilet...st...
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Posted 1/29/14
Know what this reminds me of?;

GHOST POOP: The kind where you feel the poop come out, but there's no poop in the toilet.

CLEAN POOP: The kind where you poop it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

WET POOP: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.

SECOND WAVE POOP: This happens when you're done pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poop some more.

POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOP: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG POOP: The kind of poop that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSY POOP: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.

DRINKER'S POOP: The kind of poop you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait are the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

CORN POOP: Self explanatory.

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOP POOP: The kind where you want to poop but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP POOP: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS POOP (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

THE DANGLING POOP: This poop refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done pooping it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.

THE SURPRISE POOP: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poop!
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23 / M / California
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Posted 1/29/14

TheVaughnenator wrote:

He-gassen!


Then, everything changed when a bystander lit a match.
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26 / M / Cloud 9.
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Posted 1/29/14
Judging by OP's eloquence, I bet he writes really good FanFic's.
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