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Nice guy vs Jerk?
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32 / M / south wales, UK
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Posted 2/10/14

Phersu wrote:



Obviously the only route to go is be an insane guy, like me.


that would probably explain why I get so many stalkers (for lack of a better term) yep definatly has to be the insanity as I look like a caveman with dreadlocks and probably the least fashionable person around so it can't be the looks it has to be the insanity
Posted 2/10/14 , edited 2/12/14
Ugh
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21 / F / Pearl of the Orie...
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Posted 2/10/14
for me it depends if it's his true personality then that's the one i like most than guys who pretend to be someone just to win the heart of a girl coz in the end she will know his true personality.
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49 / F / Center of the Uni...
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Posted 2/10/14 , edited 2/10/14
getting in the front door: She laughs, you live.

After that... well nice, deep traits maybe be meaningful but how do you express them?

Also to all those who are trying to tear down the ones who say the 'secret' is to be a better person:

I think you're whiny and entitled too.
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32
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Posted 2/10/14
It's just an illusion., there is no such thing as "nice guys are Jerks"
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29 / M
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Posted 2/10/14 , edited 2/10/14

IICHAOSII wrote:
Being the jerk always gets the girl

This is simply not true, and shows you don't have enough experience getting close to girls. Since the age of 13 I've been with dozens of girls, and I didn't even have to try, I was simply having fun. I'm 26 now, and I've been in serious committed relationships, I've also casually dated 5 girls at once; I have never put on any acts or tried to "game" women, and I've never once chased after sex to the exclusion of other things such as having tons of fun together or experiencing a connection.

Recently, I reflected on how I go about doing this (probably because I just started watching romance anime, heh). In the past, I simply ignored any other guys who seemed overly "thirsty" for female attention, but lately I noticed that some great guys get truly mixed up, overthink things relating to girls, and suffer a great deal. So, I think I can offer a little advice for you. If any girls are reading this who have trouble talking to guys, maybe some of this will apply to you too.

First, 2 Prerequisites that must be in place for romantic or sexual tension not to be mega-awkward:

1) A girl has to be comfortable around you. All I mean by this is she doesn't feel uncomfortable negative emotions being around you. But you don't have to coddle her; in fact, it often feels comfortable at first if you're slightly, lightly indifferent to her but occasionally pay very close attention to her. To understand this better, try to picture how the guys in her life who she's totally comfortable with behave -- a brother or her dad or her favorite teacher: they just treat her like a normal person most of the time, and occasionally treat her like she's special without making a huge deal about it. It's even ok to tease her a little bit, as long as it's in a spirit of fun. If she's a total stranger she'll have to be around you for a minimum of a few hours to feel this kind of comfort.

2) A girl has to see you as someone who goes for what he really wants in the moment. Stop and read that sentence again. I'm not saying pretend to be self-centered if you're actually not -- there's no need to overdo it, but if you "underdo" this you are toast, you two will only ever just be friends. Any girl who's ever had a crush on you absolutely saw you the way I'm describing; who knows the exact reason, maybe she saw you joking around with people or speaking your mind on an issue. It's not what you did, it's the way you did it that showed you had real desires and acted on them. The point is, you can't fake this: there is no substitute for actually knowing what you want in the moment and then going for it. (Here's a weird fact: once a girl sees you like this, even if you proceed to act like a boring coward she won't immediately change her mind and see you as lame. You get more chances than you might think.)

OK, so if you do those two things, you will no longer be systematically defeating yourself. After that point, you need to go through a phase where you get to know lots of girls who you find attractive who you do NOT have a crush on. To be clear, I'm not advocating that for the rest of your life you'll merely be a Friend to All Womankind, but you have to go through a period where you get to know and understand many girls. And at this stage, it doesn't matter if you are only just friends, so cool your jets, mister. You will learn more than could possibly be put into words just by getting close to lots of girls and having a good time. Learn about their hopes, dreams, desires, play games, go eat stuff, discuss philosophy, discuss dating and sex, listen to them. Even if all you're after is a friends-with-benefits or no strings attached situation, do this step first, otherwise you will remain clueless about girls for the rest of your life and your future relationships will suffer for it.

If you are out of school, you need hobbies where you do stuff in groups. Period.

And lastly: Remember, you absolutely ARE handsome. You may not be a model, but that's totally insignificant for happiness. 99% of your real attractiveness is in how you take care of yourself. I am a short guy prone to acne and it never stopped me.

Sidenote about the "alpha male" thing:
Yes, it's absolutely true that social groups of girls often see a "pecking order" of guys, and the guy at the top has things pretty easy. But don't get bitter about that. Try to be your awesome self, and you know what's gonna happen? You will be that guy at some point. I'm completely serious. You, yes YOU will be at the top of the pack at some point in your life. You may be the top dog in the Save the Environment Club, or at the old bar on 12th st, or at a book club. But you will be in the limelight at some point and girls will be crushing on you. It's not that big of a deal. Maybe when you get there, you'll find yourself attracted to a shy girl who doesn't even care about that stuff. (I did.)
Sogno- 
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Posted 2/10/14 , edited 2/10/14

Lionsito wrote:

Usually girls who like nice guys go to church every saturday or sunday....


this applies to me unfortunately in my experience the jerks also go to church
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23 / M / 私の心は、日本で
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Posted 2/10/14
Ahh there's so much going throu my mind about this but... Being true to yourself is good. Then you can apply different styles to yourself. But point is, being a jerk is something you'll have to cover up with a nice front. If you're nice from the start you can build on that and put up a front as a jerk, then choose to turn it off when you're around other nice people. I'd say that's alot better. Unless you're going for a Sadist and Masochist relationship though. Then Jerk and Victimg personality is good.
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20 / M / Eng Land
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Posted 2/10/14 , edited 2/10/14
Honestly, I prefer being a nice guy over being a jerk, it's just who I am. I've honestly yet to have a girlfriend but I don't really mind. I'd rather wait and find someone who's right for me than get in a relationship for the sake of it, only for both of us to be let down. So many people are like 'Aaaah, I need a girlfriend, I need a girlfriend even if it's just to say I've had one'. You're really better off waiting. I feel better doing that than trying to hump everything with a pulse. I'm also only 17 so it's not like I don't have plenty of time, and if I don't find someone then so be it.
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Posted 2/10/14
:I They're both bad, but given an A or B choice, I'd prefer the jerk, because their horrible personality shows on the surface, so I can stay waaaaaaay far away from the very first meeting and I know not to trust them, but with "nice guys", sometimes you can't tell until it's too late, and then you're entangled in way too much drama. And sometimes there's heartbreak because you thought they were a genuine friend, and it turns out they're not. That deception hurts man.
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Posted 2/10/14
If a guy is truly nice, he is nice because he is. If a jerk is truly a jerk, he is. Period. Real Nice guys don't do things for gratification.
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19 / M / United Kingdom
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Posted 2/10/14

BLACKOUTMK2 wrote:

Honestly, I prefer being a nice guy over being a jerk, it's just who I am. I've honestly yet to have a girlfriend but I don't really mind. I'd rather wait and find someone who's right for me than get in a relationship for the sake of it, only for both of us to be let down. So many people are like 'Aaaah, I need a girlfriend, I need a girlfriend even if it's just to say I've had one'. You're really better off waiting. I feel better doing that than trying to hump everything with a pulse. I'm also only 17 so it's not like I don't have plenty of time, and if I don't find someone then so be it.


^ This is basically me, I don't get why its weird that I haven't had a girlfriend yet, I'd rather date someone who I actually like over just dating someone because I 'should have' by now.
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23 / M
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Posted 2/10/14

aeb0717 wrote:


Nobodyofimportance wrote:


aeb0717 wrote:

Who are those "nice guys/good guys" and "bad boys/jerks" of which you speak? I've yet to meet a guy who I can honestly say fits the stereotype of either. I've always been under the impression that such things only truly apply in fiction, since actual people are multi-faceted. I'd rather die a spinster than deal with either a guy who honestly views himself as one or the other, or a guy who manages to be one-dimensional. Being unabashedly strange, it's not like I mix well with most people, anyway. Maybe I should become the crazy cat lady who lives down the lane from some poor kid? Then again, I'm allergic. Damn. Mutant plants?


Llama?


Fine, but also shinobi llama.


That poor kid down the lane won't even know what happened
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36 / M / Denver
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Posted 2/10/14


Then I'll take it off of your words and make them my own but still I stand by the sentiment I read out of it. I don't see the need for any person to try to alter themselves to look better to others on a shallow level.


As I already said, my advice isn't becoming a better man to look better to others. It's called living. How is actually acquiring skills instead of just talking about it shallow? Eventually, as you develop yourself, most of the qualities you get just happen to be things women say they want out of a man. They don't, or they don't without arbitrary conditionals present. Therefore you made yourself a better person and exposed hypocrisy you can't do anything about. I consider the matter settled at that point.

I have to admit, although it is a sound strategy, it is still simply MY solution to the nice guy / jerk paradox. To me, this is far, far better than having a mountain of excuses as to why you're still single. I'm here to tell you that even if you didn't have them, the equation wouldn't change much. I never said it was a way to get women, I said it's what you should be doing whether you want a relationship or not. It just has applications in that area that work, that's all.
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30 / M / San Antonio, TX
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Posted 2/10/14
wow, not sure if this thread has changed since the first page... but lord... are that many of you social outcasts???

jerks do no always get the girl.

The secret with jerks, is that they make themselves APPEAR to be nice guys. Then, when the girl is hooked and already in a relationship, that is when she finds out his true nature.

BUT, the girl keeps telling herself "this is only a phase, he was nice when we first met... he will get better" they will cling on for that hope, because lets face it, who wants to tell themselves that after months of investing your time with someone and let them in close, that they turned out to be a horrible person.


It's not hard to be nice guy and get a girl. But my god, do NOT always be such a nice guy that you never take any risks. Especially when it comes to sex. Spank dat ass, pull the hair, be rough, be gentle. I have a friend who is leaving a guy she is talking to because even though he is an amazingly sweet and charming man, he is boring as fuck in bed.

Don't just have boring sex, you need to spice it up

A mixture of being a jerk and a nice guy is honestly the best method. Being nice all the time? boring. Being a jerk all the time? gets old and is obnoxious.

Just be who you are, and those that click will gravitate towards you. But, you have to be willing to put yourself out there. You can't just sit at home all day, on the computer asking yourself "WHERE IS MY SOUL MATE?" Get the fuck out there!


do you have friends? have you had many failed attempts and unsure how to fix them? ask your friends of the opposite sex to help! hell, even ask those you failed to court on how you could improve yourself. Though, i'd give it some time before you ask the latter.

they will help put in perspective what you need to improve to increase your chances.
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