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Hatsune Miku is Pure Evil
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23 / M / California
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Posted 2/13/14 , edited 2/13/14



I know. It sounds ridiculous, and probably is considering that Hatsune Miku seems completely incapable of doing anything of her own accord, and what she does do, by the command of others, mostly involves music. Not to mention that adorable looking singers don’t hold the hunger for chronic suffering in their hearts. Beneath her flowing, flamboyantly teal locks of hair though, rests the artificial mind of a world dominating machine, ready to bring about organic collapse as the wind blows through her baleful locks!
Okay, so her voluminous polychrome hair is probably the area of least concern, but those diamond-shaped hair pins of hers are positively passively lethal! Honestly, they look as harmless as Miku does, but that’s exactly the kind of false sense of security she’s trying to lull you into! The truth is that these hairpins are actually indoctrination field amplifiers that wire the victim's synapses in a way that forces them to flail their arms about during any number of Hatsune Miku's songs! Even the manliest of weight-lifting gas passing men’s men succumb to the sickly Sweet beams! Thanks to some very technical things, the radiation is highlighted here in a very scientific way.


The strength and range of the brain melting radiation is controlled by a little wrist pad that tunes her music frequency to match the Wi-Fi signals through which most of her music is heard, ensuring fresh piles of fleshy victims on an hourly basis.


Fortunately for us, our inevitable musical enslavement is kept at bay thanks to one crucial flaw. Hatsune Miku is a slave of her baser mechanical instincts. As such, she absolutely craves numbers; tallying them up, crunching them for use in future world-dominating endeavors. She doesn’t always have time to indulge her algorithms though, thanks to the sheer data expenditure that projecting herself and singing in 5.1 imposes on her. Without the ability to get the numbers she furtively fawns over, her dreams of conquest fizzle away in place of mathematical withdrawal. To get her number fix, she has her daily tally of indoctrinated recorded onto two black boxes, masqueraded as ornate tie clips.



It’s not enough , to just keep track of flesh bags with style as the world rots at her digital fingertips though. Miku needs to rub her massive popularity in the faces of her cohorts; usually in very close proximity. She needs to get this close because to her creators’ dismay, Hatsune Miku refuses to open up wireless communications with other Vocaloids- even if it’s to see how many more fans she's lulled into her ethereal lair than the others. To alleviate this shared personality flaw, the engineers installed a short USB cord for docking with other Vocaloids. This ensures maximum sharing of evil plots and healthy digital competition between the Vocaloids, both through tallying up their victims and seeing who can get to the meeting ground first.



At this point you may be asking yourself “What can I do to protect myself from likely indoctrination by the hands of an adorable virtual idol?”
Well, the answer is quite obvious if you take a hard look at the situation; no. Hatsune Miku exists in all corners of the internet. You can run. You should run. Consider a good hiding spot too; one completely off the grid. You’ll have to spend your life as a media free hermit, and you can dwell on the idea that you escaped her grasp; that you died that last free man. You’ll have to tell yourself that because no one- not even those without internet can escape.
First, it’s the music industry. Then, our history! She’ll have so much influence, history books will read that Miku Revere lit two lanterns to sing the coming of the British. No one quite understood what she was saying though. Instead of stopping there, her conquest will continue until she’s embedded into the arcane workings of ancient biology!


And by the time you’ve read this, you’ll probably be so far gone that she has direct control, and the war of the lyrics has already been won in your mind.

Sogno- 
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Posted 2/13/14 , edited 2/13/14
dang man thanks for enlightening us who knows what could have happened if this information hadn't been released to the world
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Posted 2/13/14 , edited 2/13/14
Of course, we all know who's truly behind this.

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37 / F / Prince George BC
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Posted 2/13/14
Ok I almost choked on my coffee reading this, thank you it was awesome ! LOL
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25 / M / Wales
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Posted 2/13/14
Then let us all thank Dave Grohl for fighting the good fight against this kind of menace...
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(´◔౪◔)✂❤
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Posted 2/13/14
This is Lethargic_leopard_Seal after he became addicted
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19 / M / Watching CR
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Posted 2/13/14 , edited 2/13/14
Yes. And the sun is also bad and is gonna make us freeze to death.
Posted 2/13/14
because she is a Devil?
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24 / M / CR Forums
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Posted 2/13/14
You are a sad sad little man, and you have my pity.
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Posted 2/13/14 , edited 2/13/14
Close call. I was almost sucked into it.
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19 / http://myanimelis...
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Posted 2/13/14
No she's not, she's just a sweet Yandere.
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45 / LV-426
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Posted 2/13/14

Felstalker wrote:

You are a sad sad little man, and you have my pity.


There is supposed to be a comma between the two 'sads' in your statement.
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25 / M / Bellingham, Washi...
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Posted 2/13/14 , edited 2/13/14
This is why I don't listen to music sang by computer programs. Auto-tune is still bullshit, though...
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26 / M / Virginia
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Posted 2/13/14
*reads article*

!(◎_◎;)

*Tries to cleanse music library of indoctrination but... just... can't...*
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31 / M / Twins City
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Posted 2/13/14
Well, this would explain why I can't stop listening to her music. I'M TOO FAR GONE! LEAVE ME AND SAVE YOURSELVES!!!
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