Post Reply Chaotic Revival
Ghoja 
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Posted 2/25/14
I am a man of dreams and nightmares,
of things forgotten and things for which no one cares.
I am despair and I am hope,
an angel's wings and a hangman's rope.
I am the problem and the solution,
a renegade longing for a revolution.
Best friend and bitter enemy,
how I am treated determines which is to be.
I can overcome nearly any rival,
it's merely a simple matter of survival.
I live a life surrounded in mystery,
with plot so thick no one truly knows me.
Just checking off things needing to be done,
and when I've finished I'll have won.
No one seems to see this life's greatest possibility,
and finding it cost me mass amounts of instability.
There is so much more to this life than we are aware of,
we have forgotten much since the age of the mailed glove.
In my strife I found an answer,
and it caused something deep within my soul to stir.
In trying to gain control I nearly lost it,
it's why I am going to Hell for my eternal sit.
I dare not challenge all the laws of existence,
now I know the price if it I decide to chance.

Feel free to comment or not at your leisure... Criticize or compliment, whichever... I've posted this just for the sake of posting something and most likely will forget I did in 30minutes or less... if you wish to get a response from me, feel free to message me or something, though why you would I couldn't guess...
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Posted 2/25/14

Ghoja wrote:

I am a man of dreams and nightmares,
of things forgotten and things for which no one cares.
I am despair and I am hope,
an angel's wings and a hangman's rope.
I am the problem and the solution,
a renegade longing for a revolution.
Best friend and bitter enemy,
how I am treated determines which is to be.
I can overcome nearly any rival,
it's merely a simple matter of survival.
I live a life surrounded in mystery,
with plot so thick no one truly knows me.
Just checking off things needing to be done,
and when I've finished I'll have won.
No one seems to see this life's greatest possibility,
and finding it cost me mass amounts of instability.
There is so much more to this life than we are aware of,
we have forgotten much since the age of the mailed glove.
In my strife I found an answer,
and it caused something deep within my soul to stir.
In trying to gain control I nearly lost it,
it's why I am going to Hell for my eternal sit.
I dare not challenge all the laws of existence,
now I know the price if it I decide to chance.


Sorry, I'm a bit bored and mentally incapable of working on my own writing at the moment, so you have the (mis-?)fortune of my editing suggestions, which are simply that. To be most outright about it, the poem turns itself into a meandering digression after the first six lines; oppositional characteristic conflicts become forgotten and the prospects of "revolution" are discarded for abstract musings on personal (and social) identity to which the reins are loosely held. The role of "renegade" that possesses the potential of both despair and hope does not act; it falters as it fails to make it out from being "surrounded in mystery." The denseness of the supposed plot indeed may make it difficult to comprehend, yet its vagueness herein makes understanding impossible for the audience (and though you may doubt it now, writing in this way risks confusing yourself when discovering a piece after being removed from it for so long -- it is a sensation to which I may testify from my own experiences). I would suggest recycling the first six lines (or at least salvaging elements from them) in a piece that explores the combative potentials of an indeterminate character to act simultaneously as savior and destroyer (the mentality of colonizers and "noblesse oblige" would be an example that comes to mind).

As for cleaning up this piece from a rationality standpoint, I'll direct attention to two problematic statements. If something costs you "mass amounts of instability," wouldn't that act as a double negative and generate stability, thereby reestablishing control? A simple fix would be to use "stability" instead, particularly if you are to return to the issue maintaining control later within the piece. On that note, the last three lines are somewhat contradictory in nature. The speaker already anticipates that they will be condemned in the afterlife, yet dares not act knowing its potential price on the condition of attempt? The directly stated "it's why I am going to Hell" overrides the if/then conditional proposition of the last line as it is submitted to be an already established inevitability. For the last lines to read more convincingly, the framework of the preceding lines (at the very least, the third from last line) has to be grounded outside of actual/inevitable activity and within the hypothetical.

Again, these are simply suggestions and I apologize if I may come off too sternly. Far too few people try their hands at writing and I commend your willingness to share with us here (something I'm not all too willing to do). Please know that I only took the time to make these comments in the hopes that you may continue to write, and in doing so that you may improve your craft. And on that note, let me say one last thing that I hope you (or anyone else reading this) may consider: do not be afraid to venture away from rhymed closed couplets. Segmenting your writing in such a fashion is an easy way to structure what you write, but it also permits the construction of wildly digressing avenues; I suspect that your writing lost its initial direction due to attempting the rigid splicing of your ideas into neatly packaged two-liners. Free verse has its complications to consider (line breaks should never be arbitrary!), but it is far less restrictive and allows ideas to expand more naturally. With that said, good luck wherever your pen may take you.
Ghoja 
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Posted 2/27/14 , edited 2/27/14
(chuckle) I'm amused, and indeed you may be correct on some accounts... I left the work as is, and still keenly remember the time when it was written... The double negative in the line for costing me instability was actually meant. Meaning I controlled my surroundings too much. Not to get too far into it, but the state of mind I was in during that period has eluded all attempts to describe thus far. The movie What the Bleep/Down the Rabbit Hole on quantum theory has come the closest. Consciously controlling at a quantum level. The life surrounded in mystery mentioned is not my own life, but the mysteries of existence that surround me. The plot mentioned is one that I have been observing for quite some time now, and still do observe. As for going to Hell, I've figured for a long time that there are things we are really better off not knowing, and having stumbled into such knowledge, and going on to further test it (hence I said I wouldn't challenge all the laws of existence, meaning I have challenged some) As for the price portion... let's just say from my testing I would rather not risk it, and not due to failure. What do you do when you scare yourself? I turned myself into a hermit for the most part for the last several years.

And I must say, I am curious as to how I remembered posting this... most of the time I do not remember writing in forums... just as comments written and read after a show are forgotten in less than 3 minutes.
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50 / M / State of Confusion
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Posted 2/27/14
Chunibyo rant
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