Post Reply Fear of succeding, would you read a story about a troll that was once human trying to hold on to his humanity?
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Posted 3/8/14
Salutations as The title says I'm in the process of writing a book, but you can say fear has got me all blocked up. The truth is besides when my grandma was alive she really wanted me too write a book, and I really want too. Yet what if I am not talented enough? What if everyone hates my story? Would anybody read a story about a man that becomes a troll yet struggles with his humanity in a world that hates his kind with a passion?
Here is the prologue rough draft give me your honest opinions please.
Cries under the fractured moon
prologue
Rain both cold, and gentle fell down on the black earth below where sparse patches of wild flowers, and a thin carpet of yellowish color grass welcomed the early showers. The sound of foot steps could be heard in the distance. Two travelers walked through the open field, or more precisely it was just one traveler walking through the field. A man with a tall stature, and muscular build dressed in black carrying a smaller traveler on his back. His dark black clothing turning even darker as the rain fell giving an imagery of him being borne of the night.
A wooden mask hanging off his left side by a simple piece of twine tied to a black cord belt that held up his black denim like pants. The smooth carnival styled mask had only one eye hole, and even though it was expressionless in design it seemed somewhat sad to look at. The black hood he usually wore over his head rested upon his neck connected to the sleeveless black formed leather armor he wore.
The other traveler resting their head upon his massive back thought how sad he looked. This gentle man with dark raven black hair that spiked downwards like the quills of a porcupine past his nape resting below his collar-bone. He smelled of rich tilled earth, and fresh-cut grass that until now the smaller traveler never associated with his kind. The oversize black hooded cape worn the smaller traveler kept them somewhat dry, and warm as the smaller traveler finally spoke as if to break the unbearable silence. The voice was that of a young woman both beautiful, and prideful. Although that pride was somewhat broken now that was the tone now heard by his ears.
"Hey...troll why are you doing this for?" She asked with a sullen inquisitiveness of a girl unable to get something off her mind.
A voice soft in tone and commanding her total attention answered back. "You lost strength in your legs did you not after those brigand beasts attacked."
"I-I did not lose strength in my legs I was just exhausted from not being able to rest properly since a troll was nearby...oh I am sorry, I did not mean to offend you." Her voice raising an octave higher as she said this embarrassed, and ashamed that she still did not know her rescuer's name. Still there was her pride that kept her from asking what his name was as he spoke back still steadily walking in the rain.
"None taken it's true I am a troll, but I am me and you are you." He steadily made his way to the woods seeking shelter for the night his response left his lips matter of factly with the same calmness that he first answered her with. There was no denying it now he was a troll, but at the same time he was different from what one would expect of a troll. As she started to wailed on his back with her small fists she knew this too.
"Of course I know that you oaf!"
"Now stop changing the subject I want to know why are you doing something, so against the grain of your inherent nature?" She still wanted to know why even though he tried to change subject. Why would he do something, so different from what his kind was known for. A rather irritated tone setting in now as she spoke she was still wailing on his back out of frustration when she heard his reason.
"I couldn't leave you there it's against the way I was raised, and you looked so frail I wanted to help you."
"Any normal person would look frail compared to you even a dire wolf would look like a tiny dog." Pouting like a child as she said these words, her hurt pride was still getting in the way of what she wanted to really say.
"Huh, I will put my mask and hood back on if my appearance bothers you that much."
"No...leave them off I've gotten use to your face and scent tro-troll."
"You can call me Grendel if you want to Skuld."
"That's if you don't want to call me troll...looks like the rain is letting up should be able to find some shelter soon in that forest."
"Grendel...if you continue in this direction we should reach the town of Lyre by daybreak."
"Well if you don't mind then I'll keep walking then."
"If you can rest up do so we have a long way to go."
"Okay I will try."
His reason had thrown her for a loop as she heard a sullen, and concern tone in his voice. A tone that made her sharp tongue and somewhat childish remark even more childish than she wanted it to. In reality she could only see the left side of his profile as she leaned her head on his wet shoulders trying to see what sort of face he was making as he offered to put back on his mask and hood. Did he even realize how deep a breath she took as she did so, and stammered out the phrase of what he was? As soon as he told her his name, and mentioned hers what sort of expression did she have on her face as she listen to him talk about finding shelter? She was glad that the hooded cape he loaned her was casting a shadow over her face, so he couldn't see it even he wanted to. She had now calmed down enough thanking the gods that her travelling companion was so calm, and gentle in retrospect of how they first had met. Pointing in a northwestern direction mentioning the town of Lyre as she did so with her small and delicate looking left hand her outstretched arms wrapped around his neck in a gentle embrace after he told her get some rest.
The rain clouds were clearing away revealing the sight of a fractured, or more precisely a partially shattered full moon casting its beautiful soft bluish white rays on the vast field below. It was sad yet profoundly beautiful as he continue to walk in the direction she pointed to. They both could now only wonder how many journeys he made under a moon like this one now. How did things end up this way? How come two people opposite in almost every way ended up on a journey together? Where was their journey heading, and for how long were the two going to stick together? To truly begin our tale and find out these answers we must begin on a planet quite different from Celeste del Mourne, a place called Earth...
It was the sound of life as we know it the busy bustle of people walking along sidewalks, and cars moving down paved asphalt roads. It was the sounds the young man had grown use to yet was at the same time uncomfortable with. It was only his third day in a big city but because there were so many more people than what he was use to he couldn't help but wonder if he would ever enjoy his vacation. Standing at 5'11" his bushy black afro and facial hair made him look like a light skin wolf man too some his thin yet slightly muscular arms had no tone to them as he stared at people left and right.
It was a nervous habit, but he began to talk to himself to clear out the many random thoughts he had. Making people clear away from his path as some gave him glances like he was crazy, or something. Maybe that was true, for what sane man would ever carry on conversations with themselves? Probably no older than 25 he wasn't a handsome man nor was he ugly, yet he was alone because of his introverted nature. His features were like many Americans a mishmash of races somewhat Spanish features from his Native American ancestry, and depending on who was looking a bit of Italian and black in him. His soft brown eyes stared at the sky above him like he did countless times. He had wanted to change even if it was just a little that was the real reason he had taken this vacation, so far if anything he was far off from doing so.
The one difference between the big city, and the small town he came from was the sky itself. Here smog blocked the skies beautiful azure color in a orangish brown haze that burned his lungs, but today was different. The sky was a beautiful shade of azure with thin wisps of white cirrus clouds he could even see the full moon. Looking more like a pale quarter with pot marks it shone softly in the sunlight as he heard a sound like a bullet making contact with sand. Other people must've heard it as well as some instinctively crouched down then went along their way. If they had seen the very same thing as he did they most likely would've panicked instead. From the moon itself an impact cloud of white burst from its equator far right side. Although only a third of an inch long that meant it must've been massive indeed. For its impact spat out dust looking like a downy feather cloud from the moon. He didn't know what it was from, but his vision doubled over repeatedly. He felt intense pain as if he was being ripped from this world. His body swayed back, and forth as the strength in his legs began to give out. He fell backwards, but it wasn't the concrete sidewalk, or asphalt that awaited him.
Instead he felt the wind rush pass him itself as if he was falling from a great height his eyes did not want to open, nor could he move his body at all. But every cell in his body told him he was falling like a brick from great heights. The flapping of clothing like he was in a wind tunnel, and the wind sounding like a train going by told him this for sure too as he let out a long silent scream. "What in sam hell's going on here?!" He thought as he continued to fall his mind blacking in, and out as an eternity seem to pass his body finally taking in the last bit of info he blacks out. The smell of fresh air so pure that it burned his lungs, and of death and decay.
"PAHHH" Thick stagnant water, and mud covered his face and body as he took in a deep breath coughing up thick globs of muddy water and plant matter as he did so. The smell of a sewage plant accosted his nose. It was a swamp he knew that much as he struggled to a dry patch of mossy covered earth. For the first time he realized this was no city he was in now that was for sure as he also realized he needed help as well. The young man did not realize at the time, but he too had made drastic changes. He was now at least several feet taller, and his hair was long and straight like a thick bed of quills. His limbs were long, and lanky like a powerful oak sapling. His skin darken in the light to a rich bronze caramel color. It was also his musculature that changed as well he now looked like a powerful teenager that worked in the fields at least eighteen in appearances. He took long, and fast strides towards the sound of music and the sight of smoke in the far distances. Every part of his body hurt like he had been hit by a semi into a bank vault. Twice did day, and night came as he kept moving afraid that if he stopped to rest he would never wake up again. Maybe they could help him he thought as he staggered to and fro till he finally saw a small wooden house. Actually it was a small village by the looks of it made up of twenty, or so thatch and wooden houses. People dressed in old-time medieval attire most likely farmers from the tools they were working hard with. Some were bailing hay to strange-looking livestock like cattle in appearance but smaller, and now he realized it the people were smaller than he was as he tried to get the attention of a nearby peasant girl.
"Uh...AH uwha?" For the first time he realized the thick taste of blood in his mouth no longer masked by the putrid taste of swamp water, and mud. He also couldn't feel his tongue on his gums. Searing pain made him wince as he realized that he no longer had a tongue for it had bitten off. His eyes stared wildly as he reached out to the girl before him.
Her large green eyes widen as if the devil was reaching for her with fear a frighten scream left her soft chapped lips and a single word. "Tr-trolll!" She fell backwards as she did so in her brown cloth dress.
"Troll? where is the troll?!" Is what he tried to say, but it came out as a garbled mess as men rushed to her aid carrying pitchforks, axes, and whatever they could use as weapons. A pitchfork came sailing towards his face like a javelin for hunting wild boars. Before he even knew it his right hand shot out grabbing the hostile projectile mid shaft snapping it like a twig. It twin pieces twirled in a beautiful arch as he finally noticed his large muscular hands, and long, thick fingers. "What the hell is this my hand, and why the hell are they attacking me for!?" His mouth was trying to say, but a roar like that unheard of by human ears since antiquated times was all the villagers heard. The air vibrated, and nearby houses shook as several men stopped in their tracks one man empowered by fear charged with his pitchfork. His blind effort only resulted in him being tossed a good 50, or so feet into the air, and 20 feet back into the sparse forest behind the young man. "Why!? Why is this happening to me!? Why are you people attacking me for!? I didn't do anything it's all that bitch's fault! If she didn't scream then none of this wouldn't have happen...I want to devour her."
As the men resumed their attack thoughts rampaged through his mind on what was happening. Turning into even darker thoughts as he defended himself his eyes caught sight of the girl whose scream started everything. Her wide eyes shook violently her face in a form of fear. The pupils in her lovely emerald-green eyes contracted to the size of a green pea as she gritted her chattering teeth in a grimace like she wanted to scream, but couldn't. The earth beneath her trembling body turned black, and steamed in a puddle of urine soaked earth. For some reason though he felt an even darker wish well up inside him as he stretched out his open right hand towards her. Quickly pulling away, and turning 180 degrees he ran off back towards the woods. His long legs made incredible unsteady strides as he made his way back some how to the swamp.
Collapsing on his hands, and knees he stared at the reflection in the murky water. It would be another first for him as he realized that the face staring back at him was not his, or at least the one he was use to seeing. His stomach growled as Beautiful tri-color eyes stared at the silhouette of a large fish beneath his reflection. He had thrust his left hand with such force into the water he wasn't sure if he caught the fish, or would have a hand full of mud as he brought it back up. A foot long catfish writhed, and in futility struggled to get free from his hand as he bear down his teeth tearing flesh, and guts from fish. Tears rolled down his face, they weren't from sadness, or anger, but of how delicious the meat tasted as he wept silently. The sun setting on the harsh reality that he wasn't sure where he was sets in. Why did he felt such a dark desire towards the villagers especially the girl? What happen, and how come he changed so much? So many questions filled his mind as a deep sadness filled his heart. Under the lonely night sky in that swamp crying softly unheard by anyone that was how Grendel spent his first day in this strange new world...
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Posted 3/8/14
I would read a story like that were it formatted better.
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Posted 3/9/14 , edited 3/9/14

Lowlights wrote:

I would read a story like that were it formatted better.


agreed, and also, that mask from fuse, looks frighteningly similar to the one from technolyze, just thought i'd mention that. Carry on.
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Posted 3/10/14

S10TH wrote:


Lowlights wrote:

I would read a story like that were it formatted better.


agreed, and also, that mask from fuse, looks frighteningly similar to the one from technolyze, just thought i'd mention that. Carry on.


Fox masks are quite common in Japan. Have been since forever.
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Posted 3/11/14

Shrapnel893 wrote:


S10TH wrote:


Lowlights wrote:

I would read a story like that were it formatted better.


agreed, and also, that mask from fuse, looks frighteningly similar to the one from technolyze, just thought i'd mention that. Carry on.


Fox masks are quite common in Japan. Have been since forever.


That i know, but the mask that was in his thumbnail and the the one from technolyze looked pretty similar in design, i couldn't help but notice
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Posted 3/12/14 , edited 3/12/14

S10TH wrote:

That i know, but the mask that was in his thumbnail and the the one from technolyze looked pretty similar in design, i couldn't help but notice


They did. What I meant by common though is that the design from Texhnolyze is commonly seen. Probably should have clarified that better, my bad.



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Posted 3/12/14
Thanks so far and I have been working on some of my problems, but my mind haves a tendency to rampage like Godzilla on Japan.
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Posted 3/15/14

Shrapnel893 wrote:


S10TH wrote:

That i know, but the mask that was in his thumbnail and the the one from technolyze looked pretty similar in design, i couldn't help but notice


They did. What I meant by common though is that the design from Texhnolyze is commonly seen. Probably should have clarified that better, my bad.





no worries
Zodai 
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Posted 4/9/14
Give us some better formatting, and I'll consider it. The story certainly seems interesting - character growth is one of the key aspects, and if you're starting with that you've got something quite solid already. Just make sure you get the writing down, or it's likely to fall flat.

I'd recommend posting it somewhere like Scribophile and getting reviews there.
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Posted 4/19/14
Actually it's posted on FictionPress where I added more to it, but thank ya for mentioning Scribophile I'll look it up. If interested look it up under my pen name of boona.
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Posted 4/20/14

grende1 wrote:

Actually it's posted on FictionPress where I added more to it, but thank ya for mentioning Scribophile I'll look it up. If interested look it up under my pen name of boona.


Personally I wouldn't post original works on any site -- there's always the risk of theft. I'd develope it where only you and maybe 1 or 2 trusted individuals know of until you complete it. Of course, this -- to me, anyway -- only applies to works I'd want published. Not like fan-fiction or the like.

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