Stupid sh*t I've written
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F / Behind You
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Posted 5/18/14 , edited 5/18/14
I wrote this particular diddy for my homeland forum. Please to enjoy...



Anime Cops is filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement, all suspects are innocent until proven guilty, in a court of lolis.

"Dispatch, we're rolling in on 3rd Street, neighbors called to report a suspicious character roaming around in the bushes out here." Hibari Ginza said into the speaker. She was at the wheel of the squad car. "Copy, let us know if backup is required." came a crackly reply. "Is that him?" asked her partner Sousuke Sagara who was pointing at a man walking along the side walk. "Gotta be, I know a weeny wagger when I see one." "I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with the term." said her partner, completely serious. Hibari snickered. "Well maybe if you're lucky toni-son of a bitch! He's opening up his trench coat in front of a gaggle of Japanese schoolgirls!" she turned the wheel hard, stopped the car and got out, gun drawn. Sousuke followed. "We are the police, turn around slowly and walk away from the school girls." Sousuke called to the man who complied. "Sh*t. It's Kimura from Azumanga Daioh again" Hibari muttered under her breath. "This has got to be the third time this week. Sick bastard likes a cheap thrill. About a month ago, we picked him up for trying to get one of the sailor scouts to lick honey off- Oh, damnit." she looked away, mercifully unable to finish. "Sir, we're going to need you to close your coat now. But do not, under ANY circumstances, reach into your pockets." Sousuke instructed. Instead of listening to the officers however, Kimura decided to do a little exercise. Jumping jacks to be specific. "Oh... oh GOD." Hibari leaned against the car and emptied her stomach onto the pavement. She looked up to see Sousuke staring at Kimura, utterly speechless. Then with no warning, Kimura started running at them, screaming wildly with his arms waving around. Hibari smoothly took aim and capped him twice. One bullet for each thigh. She was an excellent shot. The wounds were superficial. She walked over to him as he was now sprawled on the ground, closed his trench coat and cuffed him. The school girls walked away, half looked horrified, the other half giggled. "Sousuke. Sousuke... SAGARA!" He finally snapped out of it then helped her load Kimura into the back of the squad car. Hibari looked into the camera as she panted. "Self Defense." she said with a smirk. The camera then panned over to Sousuke. "Just another day on the job." Fade to black. Credits roll.

If you like my stuff and let me know, I might be inclined to post more...
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52 / M / State of Confusion
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Posted 5/22/14 , edited 5/22/14
I have a few points for you, please remember that these are not meant to be mean in any way.

"He's opening up his trench coat in front of a gaggle of Japanese schoolgirls!"
Why are you saying Japanese school girls, not just school girls? From the names of the police officers, are they suppose to be Japanese too? If they are Japanese and in Japan, there shouldn't be anything different about them. It might be different if they were catholic, or in a different country for example. It is assumed that they are Japanese just by the story's context.

"Then with no warning, Kimura started running at them, screaming wildly with his arms waving around. Hibari smoothly took aim and capped him twice. One bullet for each thigh."
I would have used knee here or though each leg. The thigh is on the back part of the leg, if he is running at them, they would not be able to shoot just the thigh cleanly.

"The school girls walked away, half looked horrified, the other half giggled."
I would think that 99% of young girls who see someone get shot are going to scream and run away not giggle, however I will take this one as a judgement call. Considering that it is in anime world, it would not go to far if they ran up and started kicking him after he was shot.

"helped her load Kimura into the back of the squad car"
He was shot twice, don't you think ambulance? Heck if I would want that much blood in the back of my squad car.

Last thing, it is very hard to read a piece like this when it is one big paragraph. Try breaking it up into smaller bits, your reader will thank you.

Over all it was a fun piece that is showing a cop giving out justice as it is deserved to Henti Kimura, and enjoying the job, maybe to the extreme, personally I would have taken out my baton and thumped him a few hundred times.

Keep up the good work, and remember keep writing. Oh, by the way, just the thought of the Jumping Jacks was sickening, good job.
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F / Behind You
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Posted 6/3/14
ANIME COPS PART 2

Anime Cops is filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement, all suspects are innocent until proven guilty, in a court of lolis.

"We're on our way to check out a report of a ruckus coming from inside an apartment." Hibari said as she climbed the stairs. Her partner Sousuke followed behind her. "Checking out my ass partner?" "Wait, what? Why... why would I...?" he stammered blushing slightly. Hibari laughed at his discomfort. The camera zoomed in on her behind. After walking a little more they came to the right place. The song "Sometimes When We Touch" could be heard coming from inside. "This is it." Hibari said.

She moved to knock on the door but a loud crash stilled her hand. She looked at her partner who nodded. Hibari counted to three and they both rammed the door open with their shoulders and drew their guns. "Freeze!" they yelled in unison, then saw the scene inside. What appeared to be an anthropomorphic sea monster had a man dangling upside down in the grasp of one of it's many tentacles. "You whore! Why won't you let me love you!?" It yelled and shook the man for emphasis. "Help me damnit! Help me!" the guy yelled. Sousuke picked up a nearby lamp and threw it at the monster. He missed. "That won't work you idiot!" Hibari yelled at him. "Let me in Rai! Let me in your heart!" the monster roared and slammed one of it's arms into a table, tearing it in half. Hibari sighed. "Usually these things just get what they want, then move on to the next poor bastard. I've never heard of one becoming... attached before."

"I didn't let him in my apartment! I didn't know!" Rai screamed. "He said he was a Girl Scout. The wig was very convincing!" "What do we do?" Sousuke asked. "That's right, you've never dealt with a tentacle rape monster before have you?" "For Gods sake! Pour some salt on him or something!" Rai wailed as the monster swung him around like a rag doll. Sousuke thought for a moment. "No". "Well, like with most problems in life, you shoot them. Hey! Over hear you big ugly sucker!" The monster stopped for a second and it was enough.

Hibari shot one eye, then the other. It died instantly, releasing Rai who landed with a thud. Sousuke looked at the man with a frown as he curled up into a fetal position and sobbed quietly. Hibari walked over to him, squat down, pat his shoulder and left a card to a counseling hotline on the floor next to him. "Will he be okay?" Sousuke asked when she walked back over. "Only time will tell. Let's go." "What about the mess?" He asked looking back over his shoulder at the wrecked apartment. "Not our problem. There are specialists he can call" she shrugged as she closed the door behind them. "Sagara, I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat." "What do you have in mind?" "Calamari." Sousuke grimaced. Fade to black. Roll credits.

Please, let me know if you like! ^_^
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F / Behind You
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Posted 6/5/14

sgillott wrote:

I have a few points for you, please remember that these are not meant to be mean in any way.

"He's opening up his trench coat in front of a gaggle of Japanese schoolgirls!"
Why are you saying Japanese school girls, not just school girls? From the names of the police officers, are they suppose to be Japanese too? If they are Japanese and in Japan, there shouldn't be anything different about them. It might be different if they were catholic, or in a different country for example. It is assumed that they are Japanese just by the story's context.

"Then with no warning, Kimura started running at them, screaming wildly with his arms waving around. Hibari smoothly took aim and capped him twice. One bullet for each thigh."
I would have used knee here or though each leg. The thigh is on the back part of the leg, if he is running at them, they would not be able to shoot just the thigh cleanly.

"The school girls walked away, half looked horrified, the other half giggled."
I would think that 99% of young girls who see someone get shot are going to scream and run away not giggle, however I will take this one as a judgement call. Considering that it is in anime world, it would not go to far if they ran up and started kicking him after he was shot.

"helped her load Kimura into the back of the squad car"
He was shot twice, don't you think ambulance? Heck if I would want that much blood in the back of my squad car.

Last thing, it is very hard to read a piece like this when it is one big paragraph. Try breaking it up into smaller bits, your reader will thank you.

Over all it was a fun piece that is showing a cop giving out justice as it is deserved to Henti Kimura, and enjoying the job, maybe to the extreme, personally I would have taken out my baton and thumped him a few hundred times.

Keep up the good work, and remember keep writing. Oh, by the way, just the thought of the Jumping Jacks was sickening, good job.


Well part two is up. I hope you like it!

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52 / M / State of Confusion
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Posted 6/5/14 , edited 6/5/14

PretearHimeno wrote:


sgillott wrote:

I have a few points for you, please remember that these are not meant to be mean in any way.

"He's opening up his trench coat in front of a gaggle of Japanese schoolgirls!"
Why are you saying Japanese school girls, not just school girls? From the names of the police officers, are they suppose to be Japanese too? If they are Japanese and in Japan, there shouldn't be anything different about them. It might be different if they were catholic, or in a different country for example. It is assumed that they are Japanese just by the story's context.

"Then with no warning, Kimura started running at them, screaming wildly with his arms waving around. Hibari smoothly took aim and capped him twice. One bullet for each thigh."
I would have used knee here or though each leg. The thigh is on the back part of the leg, if he is running at them, they would not be able to shoot just the thigh cleanly.

"The school girls walked away, half looked horrified, the other half giggled."
I would think that 99% of young girls who see someone get shot are going to scream and run away not giggle, however I will take this one as a judgement call. Considering that it is in anime world, it would not go to far if they ran up and started kicking him after he was shot.

"helped her load Kimura into the back of the squad car"
He was shot twice, don't you think ambulance? Heck if I would want that much blood in the back of my squad car.

Last thing, it is very hard to read a piece like this when it is one big paragraph. Try breaking it up into smaller bits, your reader will thank you.

Over all it was a fun piece that is showing a cop giving out justice as it is deserved to Henti Kimura, and enjoying the job, maybe to the extreme, personally I would have taken out my baton and thumped him a few hundred times.

Keep up the good work, and remember keep writing. Oh, by the way, just the thought of the Jumping Jacks was sickening, good job.


Well part two is up. I hope you like it!



Hi PretearHimeno,
Another one of your wonderfully funny and strange works. :)

Here are some thoughts, again, not meant to mean in any way.

"We're on our way to check out a report of a ruckus coming from inside an apartment." Hibari said as she climbed the stairs. Her partner Sousuke followed behind her. "Checking out my ass partner?" "Wait, what? Why... why would I...?" he stammered blushing slightly. Hibari laughed at his discomfort. The camera zoomed in on her behind.

Where are your characters? In a car? Out on the street? Spelunking in Mammoth Cave? I understand after reading a few lines they are entering the apartment house. But we need to set the scene a head of time so the reader can understand the action. If you just jump in like this, the reader has to think about the setting and it detracts from the work. Same thing with the partner checking out her ass. Need to lead into it, did she turn and see him looking up, just casually call over her shoulder knowing that he was looking?


 "You whore! Why won't you let me love you!?"

The Difference between a slut, a whore, and a bitch.
Sluts love everyone
Whore's love everyone, for money
Bitches love everyone but you

Not necessary for your work, just and FYI for how I use the terms

Over all You still should break down your paragraphs more, for example.
You wrote:
She moved to knock on the door but a loud crash stilled her hand. She looked at her partner who nodded. Hibari counted to three and they both rammed the door open with their shoulders and drew their guns. "Freeze!" they yelled in unison, then saw the scene inside. What appeared to be an anthropomorphic sea monster had a man dangling upside down in the grasp of one of it's many tentacles. "You whore! Why won't you let me love you!?" It yelled and shook the man for emphasis. "Help me damnit! Help me!" the guy yelled. Sousuke picked up a nearby lamp and threw it at the monster. He missed. "That won't work you idiot!" Hibari yelled at him. "Let me in Rai! Let me in your heart!" the monster roared and slammed one of it's arms into a table, tearing it in half. Hibari sighed. "Usually these things just get what they want, then move on to the next poor bastard. I've never heard of one becoming... attached before." 

I would have broke this down like this:

She moved to knock on the door but a loud crash stilled her hand. She looked at her partner who nodded. Hibari counted to three and they both rammed the door open with their shoulders and drew their guns. "Freeze!" they yelled in unison. The Two officers saw what appeared to be an anthropomorphic sea monster. It had a man dangling upside down in the grasp of one of it's many tentacles.

"You whore! Why won't you let me love you!?" It yelled shaking the man for emphasis.

"Help me damnit! Help me!" the guy yelled.

Sousuke picked up a nearby lamp and threw it at the monster, he missed.

"That won't work you idiot!" Hibari yelled at him.

"Let me in Rai! Let me in your heart!" the monster roared and slammed one of it's arms into a table, tearing it in half.

Hibari sighed. "Usually these things just get what they want, then move on to the next poor bastard. I've never heard of one becoming... attached before." 


Just like the previous work, this shows good ideas. Keep it up
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52 / M / State of Confusion
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Posted 6/5/14 , edited 6/6/14
Here is something that I have been working on myself, it is dark and depressing at this point for story reasons. Please feel free to comment as much as you want but remember that this is a rough draft, and not even a complete one. I don't want you to think that I just criticize.

1

The convenience store's automatic door didn't open as he approached. Stopping short of the entrance, he thought "now what" as he peered into the glass. He banged on the door to get attention. "Hey! Let me in."
No one noticed.
He kicked the frame of the door, a loud metallic bang echoed across the empty parking lot.
No one came.
He knew that the store was open, the posted store hours hadn't changed, and this place was always open. The lights were on. “What the hell” he thought as he walked away. The next store is an hour walk from here. Looking at the sky he started the long trek.
He was almost out of the parking lot, a kid on a bike rode up to the store. He walked up to the door and it opened right away.
His eyes widened, it worked. He turned around and walked back to the store.
The door didn't open.
He was about to start kicking the door down when the kid came out the door and hopped on his bike. He slid in as the kid passed by.
He hated this place.
Two TV dinners and a half a gallon of milk; it is what he got every day. Two TV dinners and a half a gallon of two percent; it has been like this for the past 3 years. His father sent him to the store with five dollars. He was to pick up two TV dinners and a half a gallon of milk and come back. He hated it, he hated this place, he hated himself, and he hated the world.
He retrieved the order and took it to the counter for checkout.
"Your door is broken" he told the clerk at the cash register.
"What do you mean it’s working fine."
"I couldn't get into the store when I first got here, I was banging on the door and you never came."
"I have no idea what you’re talking about." a second store clerk said as he came out of the back. However the two clerk’s slight smiles told him the story in a flash. He realized that they had turned the door off when he approached.
He took his change and flipped them off as he left.
The two clerks laughed as the door closed. They knew that he couldn't do anything. He decided that he would have to go the other direction the next time. The walk to the other convenience store was much longer, but it was better than being abused here.
He was out of the parking lot when he first smelt the water in the air, cool and swift the breeze brought the warning of rain. Thunder from far off confirmed his weather sense. It was at the most ten minutes off.
It turned out to be five.
He ran in the storm alongside of the road. There were no sidewalks here, it was to rural of an area. To his right was a ditch, it was a meter deep and already full from storms earlier in the season. To his left traffic moved past him at 80 km, they splashed water from the road on him. He had to watch them, if they didn't see him as they drove by he would have to jump into the ditch to prevent from being hit. The good news was that it was late in the evening, traffic was light normally, it was even better with the storm, and no one wanted to willingly go out in a night like this.
After twenty minutes, he made it to the road he lived on. Trees striped of everything green arced over the mud and rock that made the gravel lane. Looking like a cave; he knew even angels feared to tread here. The only thing missing was a sign that advised abandoning hope.

If you watched him as he walked down the lane, it would seem that he was a drunkard, swaying back and forth across the entire width available. He was in reality avoiding the large puddles of water in the lane, even if it wasn't raining, the puddles would most likely still be there, they only dried up in the middle of a long dry summer. Insects, spiders, snakes, and other wildlife loved this lane and the woods around it. This area was not really developed fully. The reason for this was the railroad use to use the lane he was walking on as a line to the nearby small town. They decided to end the line and sell the land. His great-great-grand father got a good deal on the land and built a home out in the middle of the forested land.

A popular comedian once said that "if you were to mow the lawn and you found a truck, you might be a hick." Heaven help that man if he were to come here. If this place had the weeds cut down you would find a junk yard. Over the course of nearly a century this place had over sixty cars, trucks, boats, and other assorted vehicles cut down to part that were less than the size of a shoe box. Why this was done was beyond him, but it made this place look like a junkyard instead of a home.

His father called this house, the shack. This was because of a line in an old song called "The Shack of Love." At the end of the song there was a line that went "Tin Roof! Rusted." The shack here had the same problem. Little better than an elaborate barn, the shack had three rooms, a kitchen, a living/bedroom, and a bathroom. The bathroom was added when a law was passed in the county against outhouses.

Dripping wet he entered the shack. Like the outside, it too was dark and dripping wet. The difference was the drops of water fell in predictable, bucket already there, areas. Most of the floor was covered in a meter of trash, car parts, inventions, or any other thing that you might imagine. Only paths to certain parts of the shack were still left open.

Knowing that the only way he was going to get warm was finishing what he started. He made his way to the kitchen. He nuked his father’s meal and then started on his own.
“Dad, dinner” he called over to the main room.
His father was a medium sized man. His eyes were intelligent, and hair grey. His world was determined by his father.
Taking up his microwaved dinner, his father looked at him and said “Son, I am a wanted man.”
“Who is hunting you Dad?”
“The FBI, the Secret Service, and K-mart.”
“K-mart Dad? Why K-mart?”
“You remember that telescope I got on sale awhile back?”
“Yeah.”
“They want it back.”
The world he lived in was insane, just like his father.
2
It wasn’t always like this, but his misfortune was to be born under unlucky stars. There was no doubt that the stars were unlucky. On the day he was born, his mother died 20 minutes after childbirth. Even when he was a baby, his father shown signs of not agreeing with reality. He took the baby to be raised by his parents. But they were not the kind you would want to leave a child with. While the grandmother was kind, she was of poor health. The grandfather, he was not kind, in fact you might say he was the kind of person you would least feel good about leaving a baby with. With an abusive personality and resentful that his privacy was being invaded by a child; the grandfather hated him the first time he saw him. For twelve years he let his feelings be known. The shack was too small for a family of four. The boy could not get away from his grandfather. Often the boy was beaten by the grandfather. Usually with anything that the grandfather could lay his hand on, leather belt, broken car belt, but his favorite was the switch. He would cut a new one once a week, by the end of the week it would be worn out enough that he needed a new one.
From a young age, the boy’s will had been broken. The most surprising thing about the whole thing was that the boy even lived. On the last day of his 6th grade, he came home to find only his grandmother. She told him that the grandfather had a heart attack and had passed away. The boy had never been so happy in his life.
His grandmother left the shack to move in with her sister the day after his grandfather’s funeral. She moved 4 states away. He never heard from her again; she died a few years later.
His father was only slightly touched by his inability to fully understand reality while his parents lived. After they had pasted on, he completely lost it. His father, the shack, even his life went downhill from there. The utilities were one by one shut off. The garbage in the house grew. The more the boy felt alone. At school, he started having extreme problems with the students in the class as well as the teachers. His personal hygiene was being neglected. He never did homework. If anyone complained, they ended up communicating with his father, and they found out that there was no help going to come from that corner.
The boy started to steal just to get by. Mostly small stuff at first, candy or snake cakes; he worked his way up to larger and larger things. His bad luck persisted, he never got caught. If he had, the courts would have removed him from the poor living conditions.
One day, he got a big score, he stole a computer tablet. Using the internet at the public library, he got to see public entertainment for the first time. He discovered a larger world than he ever thought possible. Seeking the maximum amount of pleasure possible, it was enviable that he would come across the gratification systems of lonely people around the world, anime and gaming.
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