My Perfectionist Side Has Gotten Me Into A Harem?!
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Posted 7/5/14
Well, I decided that I'd take in interest in writing story's based of my ideas and imagination.
Since I'm into harems, and comedy. I decided to make a story based off a guy who thinks he's so perfect.
Want to read? Link:http://www.wattpad.com/54904018-watashi-no-kanpeki-shugi-sha-saido-wa-h%C4%81remu-o
Please give C+C, i want to improve on my story writing.
So please don't go easy on me, give me anything that will help me improve on story writing, also write on my wattpad profile.
Posted 7/5/14
Umm. Dude, you spelt retarded wrong. Since the character is perfect, please get that right.
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Posted 7/6/14
Thanks for telling me, I didn't even notice that.
Thank you, I know my grammer and spelling is of...alot.
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Posted 7/6/14
Cool story!

You keep spelling some words wrong all the time ("prevert" / "retarted")

In the second episode it was no paragraphs, a bit anoying to read without it.

Interesting read, keep it up
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Posted 7/6/14
Sorry about that, it's because i type fast. Thanks for the C+C it means alot!
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Posted 7/12/14
Pros: Great idea, fun moments, interesting characters!

C&C:
1) I believe most of the comments I would make would be solved with some proofreading. For instance, the spelling and grammatical errors would be minimal with some re-reading of your story. It may help to put your story in a word doc first, edit and space it, then post your site.

2) Slow your story down a bit. I get the sense that this also could be alleviated with some editing. It's like I'm reading the first draft of everything, which definitely does show all the promise your story has for a great read. I just would like more time to savor the progression of events.

3) Character development of Ryo. Is he perfect or a perfectionist? I got a bit confused... or does he think he's perfect but no one else really thinks so? Maybe have another character point out his perfection? I could be misunderstanding all together.

Please let me know when episodes become available!
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Posted 7/17/14 , edited 7/17/14
I thought the main character was interesting.

General
    1) Please proofread your work, as MrsAppleby noted, many outstanding problems can be resolved by looking over your work after you've written down the initial ideas.
    2) It could be my browser but, if multiple characters are speaking, please be sure to space it out so the reader has an easier time identifying who is speaking at a given time. Also, you don't always have to identify the speaker at a given time, if two people are conversing. I'll try rereading the piece from another browser later though and see if this remains a problem.

Content
    1) School begins at 5:30? Except that he takes three hours to get ready and it begins after 8:30...
    2) Why is the mother so antagonistic? Perhaps an explanation?
    3) "Plebeian" or some such word. Also, don't be afraid to embellish on the lexical decisions of your "flawless" protagonist! Allowing him to languish in the banality of the "common" tongue would be an affront to his self-described superiority. Sure, it might make him sound like an arse, but that shouldn't bat an eye - given his depiction thus far.
    4) The scene between Ryo and Sensei is a bit convoluted. Ryo was more popular with his fellow students because of his ability to explain the content of her materials in an easier to digest manner, yes? Why would this necessarily bring tension?
    5) The classroom scene feels a bit forced due to the overall tone of the scene. Also, why would the girl confront him in front of her classmates if she's embarrassed about it? Or speak to him, for that matter?


Maybe I'm just no good with the genre...

[Edit]
Randoooom nooooooote!
I kept thinking Ryoko was female because of his name. Is there a reason for using a female given name?
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Posted 10/19/14
I thought from the initial thread title that it would be about a guy with OCD who's so into getting everything he does perfect, that it attracts the attention of girls who're into the idea of a husband who's all about perfecting everything. Each one coming from a rich family of perfectionists.
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"Year-end cleanup. Closing threads with no activity since 2014."
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