Post Reply Soul Stealer - Opening
Sozuil 
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Posted 8/22/14
“Again!” his voice echoed as he smiled up towards her. His eyes watched her every move. She smiled at him, as she sighed softly. She called him, her gift from God. When she first met her husband she knew that one day she would marry that man. That was before she even knew who he was. As time went by, they fall in love and then love turned into more.

A bond that held them through the darkest nights. A bond so strong it stood against the coldest days. “Okay, one more time and then it bed time young man!” Her voice was that of an angel. As she sung to him her lover sat in the other room. He smiled, he wondered how he got so lucky. A bounty hunter, a sellsword that married into something money couldn’t buy. A man of legend that skill is spoke of from castle to castle, that is spoken of by Kings and even the demons he hunt.

Perhaps it was fate that they found each other. He wanted fame, she wanted a family. When the doctor told her she could never have a child their bond kept them warm through the sleepiness night. And then the news of a baby became real, and the man seeking fame became a father. The woman who sought love knew more love than the world could offer. And they named him Heero. But in a world of demons and fiends such love must be tested.
Because fairy tales, was only for books. The rain pond on the house as the thunder sung a very different song this night. The fame warrior sat comfortably in his chair lost in one of his books listening to his world in the next room. She sung as Heero sung with her. Music filled the house as the thunder screamed and shouted. To her, life was perfect. To her love, there was too many demons in his past. Too many books that never was finished. Her name was April. He always laughed at that name, he called her May because no matter where she went she always light up the room like a warm Summer day. His name was Justin.

She held Heero closely to her as they laughed together. He closed his book as he stared out the window. Another book, without an ending. As the thunder sung it song loudly there was a thump at the door that brought silence through the whole house. The singing was gone, the heavy rain grew soft as though it was curious to see what would happen next. The thunder sung faded as there was another bang on the door, then two more. He stood up slowly as he glance towards her, her eyes stared into his as he stared back. Tears rolled down her cheek as he turned to walk towards the door.

As he opened the door the shape of a man stood there. Nothing could be seen, nothing but red eyes and a smile of a fiend. The lights turned off as the thunder roared again, this time it song was angry. The rain was heavy but this this it was sad, furious.

Heero watched as the figure of an angel that he grew to call mother moved towards the bedroom door closing it quickly. Her body moving like it was on clouds, she turned to him placing her finger over her lip shushing him. He stared at her, wondering what was going on. He was only six, his mind hasn’t learn of grief. Of pain, of loss. But we’re never a child forever.

As the thunder screams again this time it was joined…by Justin. His body flew across the room as his back hit the wall. The building shook. “You…will not have him!” he yelled as he held his right hand out. In this world lived something incredible. We know it as magic, but to them it so much more. Blade flowed from his arm as it formed a sword. He dashed towards the man as it stood there, silently smiling.

“Baby…” she whispered softly. There are rumors about storms like this. “Listen to me…” That a man live within the clouds. “Don’t listen to the sound in the other room…” That he has the ability to cause thunder and lightning through his voice. “Only me…” That he has the ability to cause rain through his tears. “Do you remember that game we used to play…” That storms like this happen when he sees something so beautiful…”When we would sneak out of the house before the dragon could get us?” ...so perfect….”Let’s play that game right now okay?” …fade away. “Ready…?” That the thunder and lightning was so loud because all he ever wanted… “Come on Heero!” was something beautiful to say….”You’re doing good, just a little more…” …so it would never fade away. “Heero no!”

As she screamed Heero’s eyes glanced to the door as his father body came crashing through covered in blood. Darkness poured off the shadowy figure as it stabbed into Justin dragging him back into the other room. Justin eyes glancing towards them, his mouth moving to form words as the thunder screamed it for him. “Run.” His sword laid there, by the bed. Tears of confusion, of pain rolling down Heero’s face.

They had a special bond, she loved them. She loved him. She loved what the both of them had to offer, she loved so much even when it hurt. As she moved her hand gripping the sword she yelled over her shoulder at Heero. To leave, to flee, to live. But to live for what? Was this real or was it a dream? But even a dream has to end. But even real life have to end. Justin body sat there, mounted on the wall like a trophy. As she screamed she swung the sword at the strange man.

As Heero grabbed his toy sword he raced out. He stood there silently as blood covered his face. The blood of an angel as his mothers head hit the ground. Tears rolled down his innocent face as the man’s hand went through his mother’s stomach to grab Heero by the face. And he felt, he felt himself die that night. But that was twenty years ago.

Heero died that day, his world died that day. But that young boy lived. That night replayed for him night after night. Before he knew it, everything he ever knew was gone. This, is a story as old as time. A story about pain, about death, this is a story about revenge.

This, is Heero’s story.



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Posted 8/22/14 , edited 8/22/14
Re-read it out loud. Make corrections. Some parts don't flow. Some parts have incorrect grammar, which is distracting.

It was a compelling enough story that is caused me to read it to the end, but you should aim to claim it stylistically so it isn't just the regular anime story. (There isn't an orphanage big enough to house every anime protagonist who has had their parents brutally murdered in front of them.)

That being said, there were things I liked stylistically. At first I was growing tired of hearing about how the thunder "sung," but it sort of added to the desperate countdown up to the end of Heero's childhood, which was cool.

"The thunder sung faded as there was another bang on the door, then two more." This however, is called forcing it. A thunder "sung" can't "faded" in the english language. A thunder song can "faded." A thunder "sung" can even fade under certain circumstances, but this isn't one of them.

I like the minimalism. There weren't so many details that it felt overdone. It felt like a memory reading this story, which is exactly how it should feel being a preface to Heero's future, which I am assuming is the plot you intend to expound on.

Artistically, color coating dialogue is cool. Good call.

And something that could either be good or bad..... I can really clearly image everything outlined in this story. That could be due to your skill as a writer, or that could be due to the fact that I have seen this anime before. Probably both. Just try to avoid tropes. Unless you like tropes. Then use them. Whatever.

But this is just coming from an imperfect human being. Do whatever you want. It is your story after all.

SO YEAH. Good luck.

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Written assuming you are writing an anime. It feels like an anime. If it isn't then just trade everywhere I said "anime" to novel, novella, cartoon, movie, manga, graphic novel, short story whatever form of prose it may be, and the criticism should still work effectively. Cool. Just verifying.
Sozuil 
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Posted 8/22/14
Ah thank you for your post. This was the first rough draft I wrote the night before. I haven't had the chance to go through it yet and fix errors. But thank you for the ones you did point out. I normally rewrite things three times to catch everything but decided to just post this and see how it does.

As for it being from somewhere else. Not to sure. This was a idea me and a friend came up with back in fifth grade. Wouldn't be surprise if something was close to it however. Although the start of it is cliche the over all plot goes down a very different road. I plan on posting my other work that have been polished a little.

I'm actually not that big on tropes. I try to avoid them as much as I can. But I do thank you for posting. In my mind, all criticism is good criticism.

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Posted 8/23/14
Your graciousness is well received my friend. I am actually excited to see where this all goes. You are skilled in imagery, and pressing emotion. That's the sort of stuff that can't really be taught. Let me know how it is going, message me or something when you have more. I wont be as big of a jerk with criticism next time. I just like to see how different people deal with it. So please keep writing.
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