Hi there. As a rusty writer, I was wondering if I could get some opinions on this old story I wrote a year or two ago. It is a bit long so bear with me on this. If you do decide to read all of it, I thank you for taking the time out of your day to do so!
Wednesday October 14th, 1915, 9:41 p.m.
Deep breathe, Corbis thought as he inhales the cold, crisp nighttime air. “It’s always better up here. No one to bother you and the view of the city is beautiful,” he said looking out at the luminescent buildings of Farhale. “Reminds me of the good ol’ days,” he sighed, thinking of the time he spent with his brother Ronald, or Brently as he often called him. “I’m going to fix all of this, brother. When I set my wrath upon Franklin and his followers like hunting hounds, killing them, you will all be avenged and this…savage beast inside of me will be silenced! Only then will our name have honor restored to it…” he cried passionately into the open air. As his words echoed in his consciousness, a memory from his past seeped in and carried him away to another time.
“You’re doing it again, Corbis,” Ronald said, frowning.
“What? What exactly are you talking about, brother?”
“You’re thinking about Marriot again. I can see it. You always look over this balcony and look out to the horizon when you think of her,” stated a concerned Roland.
Corbis sighed, “You got me. I am thinking about her and the day she died. I…I just don’t understand how she could have fallen over this balcony!! We had safety measures put in place in case the ever happened!! We both know it wasn’t an accident and yet it is still called one. Someone had to have pushed her and still I believe that Franklin is tied to it!” Corbis fumed furiously.
“I know Will, but there isn’t any proof to show it wasn’t an accident. I still mourn for her some days when we are together. I find Franklin to be suspicious at times too, but he has helped the kingdom and us many times over. Look, why don’t you set aside your sorrows and join the family for the Summer Solstice Festival? You know how we like to dunk each other in the Dunking Tank,” said Ronald coaxingly.
“Ahaha, yes I do enjoy doing that. I bet I can out dunk you this time!”
“Now that’s the spirit! Ha! You can try Will, but I have kept the title of Dunking Champion for four years in a row now!” Ronald taunted.
“Oh Brently…you forget that I held it for six years before you came to have that title!” Corbis retorted with a devilish grin.
“Hahahaha!” Corbis laughed as he thought of the rest of that day. “I miss you brother, so much that it becomes painful sometimes,” he said looking up at the few stars of the night sky. Clop, clop, clop, clop, clop! Corbis heard this distant sound and snaps back to present time. Looking down from atop of his perch on a building, he peered down onto the alleyway. He saw a horse and buggy with five armed guards sitting on top of it. “Right on time, Daniel Bower. You filthy son of a bitch!” Corbis growled quietly. “Now, time to send you on a sliiiiight detour,” he said as he set up his equipment.
“Stop right there, Bower! You won’t be going any farther,” Corbis threatened as he stepped out of the shadows that hung before Daniel’s armed escort.
Bower stepped out of the carriage and said mockingly, “My oh my, what do we have here? The once honorable protector of the king, who now stands before me as a criminal, is trying to stop my guards and I? You’ve become rather reckless since you have been trying to take meaningless revenge upon Franklin and I. Are you truly daft enough to think you can kill me when I have you outnumbered?”
Corbis smirked, “Oh no, I am not that foolish. But it is probably best I enlighten the lot of you,” he said as he took out a remote switch and flicked it on. Five blinding white lights on each side of the ally activated, flooding the small side street with an unending sea of light. Chaos ensued, causing the horses to rear up and run. The men fell off, began screaming, and running away.
Bower was blinded as well, but was able to stumble into an abandoned building right next to where all this occurred. Suddenly, thwack! He took a blow to the back of the head, fell to the floor, and everything went black. He woke up a few minutes later, head pounding like the morning after getting extremely drunk, and tied to a chair. He then began moving his gaze upward and looks at Corbis. “You’ve become rather reckless,” Corbis said, imitating what Bower said.
Bower now bellowed in rage, “You! This…how was this possible??? You have been on the run constantly; you should have never been able to capture me!! I ought to kill you where you stand!”
“You so much as look at me funny and I’ll set off the three sticks of dynamite under the chair you’re tied to. Now I’m going to ask you very nicely, where is Franklin hiding?”
“I will never tell anyone of his whereabouts! Besides, all he needs to do is kill you. Like he killed your brother, his family, and sweet, sweet Marrio-oof!” was all Bower could say before Corbis shoved his fist into his gut.
“I knew he did it! No need to be mister obvious! Now, enough games!” He struck a match and walked towards the entrance door, and pointed at the start of the fuse. “You see this? I’m going to light this and send you to the stars if you don’t tell me where Franklin is!”
“You…you don’t have it in you!” Bower stumbled on his words as he tried to mask the terror tearing through him with a veil of stern confidence.
“Oh ho, then you won’t be lasting much longer…about seven seconds left to live,” lighting the fuse and leaning on the wall. The fuse sped towards Daniel’s chair.
He began to panic and squirms around as he watches the spark of death race at him. “No! No! Please put it out, please! Oh my god! Ahhh! Franklin is hiding out in Rothcard Hall!” he screams out. Corbis leaped gracefully over and gave the fuse the boot, extinguishing it.
“Now that’s a good boy. Now you’ll pay for working with that villain,” Corbis said, saluting Bower as he was leaving the building. “Oh, by the way, I lied about the dynamite under your chair,” he coolly added on.
“What!?! Arrrggh! Franklin will find me and will kill you Corbis!”
“Oh, he will find you, Bower. Though he’ll find you under a few tons of rubble,” Corbis said, slamming the doors of the building as a final goodbye. He looked at the at the demolition notice on the doors and smiled. He began walking away and as he did, he took out the remote detonator for the building. A reassuring beep caused the building to come crashing down. Wood clunked as hit the crackling brick. “Good riddance. Now for Schröter,” Corbis muttered.
Thursday October 15th, 10:24 a.m.
Rothcard Hall, Government District, Farhale
“Rothcard Hall, home to the last 20 advisors to the king. I thought he might be hiding in, oh, I don’t know, not the most obvious place in the kingdom. Guess he couldn’t live without all of the luxuries that came with being in such a high position. He doesn’t deserve any of this,” Corbis thought as he stared down into the main hall from the ceiling window. “Time to end this,” Corbis pronounced. He opened the window and dropped down into the hall.
He crouched and snuck over to an empty room where he listened for guards, but heard someone familiar. A raspy yet gravelly voice echoed from the office at the end of the hall. “Oh Franklin Schröter, what are you up to?” he thought as he scowls. Corbis quietly sneaked his way to the wall beside the doorway and listened in on Franklin talking over the phone.
“So he killed Daniel, hmm? Bah! That is but only a small inconvenience for nothing will stop me, not even the last Roefall! …Why you ask? Well, he just fell for my trap,” Franklin boasted as turned to look at Corbis peeking around the corner. Suddenly three armed guards appeared from their hiding places and brought him to the reception room just to the right of the office, where they had set up a containment cell for him. They tossed him inside and bolted the door shut with a resounding chunk!
“Well William, I must congratulate you on coming this far! You were able to evade me for sometime and kill my second-in-command. That is no easy feat! Though, it is impossible to out smart me, for I know every move you will make three days ahead of time!” Franklin proclaimed with a twisted smile on his face.
“It doesn’t matter, you don’t deserve the title you hold and I will have your head for what you have done!” Corbis shouted in defiance.
“But I do deserve to be king! You see, your ancestors robbed throne from my family centuries ago and they swore to reclaim it, even if it took them eternity! And as you can see, I have done just that! Now I will rule this kingdom with the people at my feet, showering me with their love. You can’t stop me, for I’ve already won. Gentlemen, please kill him swiftly, I don’t want any screaming to interrupt me when I’m reading Dr. Northdan’s paper on the relationship of music and the subconscious,” said Franklin as he gave the signal while he walked away.
“You’re not getting away from me this time!” shouted Corbis. As the guards took aim, he threw down a smoke bomb and enshrouded himself in the cloud. The guards began firing without knowing Corbis escaped from the cell. Corbis threw razor darts at the base of their heads, dropping all three of the guards before they could turn around. Franklin saw this and bolted for his office where he grabbed his antique rapier and walked into the main hall. Corbis, now seeing it is just the two of them, slowed down and walked toward Franklin. Corbis then flicked out his folding sword, prepared for a fight. They stood before each other, staring one another down. Tension spiked, Corbis and Franklin knew only one of them would live to see the end of the day. Both stood ready to strike, like two vipers bearing their long and poisonous fangs.
Chaos ensued as Corbis lashed out first, channeling his spite and rage into his sword. He swung precisely and quickly at Franklin without the slightest hesitation. Franklin parried and returned each strike with flawless form. Neither man gained advantage over the other man, as they fought ferociously to the death. The swords moved so quickly at times they became silver blurs as they clashed repeatedly, clanging each time they connect. Franklin lunged and Corbis stumbled backward. Franklin then swirled the sword out of the hands of Corbis, and kicked him to the ground. Corbis fell hard and lying on the ground, with a rapier at his throat; he was defenseless like a newborn child.
“Don’t you see? I am superior to you in every way! You must realize now that you are a dead man,” Schröter taunted.
“I won’t die unless you come with me,” Corbis snarled.
“Aha! Doubtful, very much doubtful right now. Besides, wouldn’t you want to be with your brother and your lovely wife, Marriot? I believe she is eager to be with you once more,” he replied.
“She would want you dead first after what you have done!” Corbis snapped back.
“Oh that is right, I forgot you think of me as her killer. Well, I can validate your long time suspicion and I can also throw in, her death was the beginning of all of this,” he said with satisfaction.
“So you killed off my brother and his family so you could have the throne all for yourself? Is that what it was?” Corbis questioned angrily.
“Yes and it was glorious! In fact I remember each night I killed them all! I pushed your wife off the balcony, killed your brother in his sleep, and I had an awfully devoted follower of mine crash into your brother’s family,” Franklin said with joy, taking much pleasure in bragging about his work.
“I’m glad you let everyone in Farhale and myself know about your crimes,” Corbis said while showing Franklin his recorder and microphone connected to the city intercom system.
Franklin now turned pale, reacted like an enraged bull screaming, “You are going to die, and your head shall be put on a pike for that!” He lunged at Corbis’ throat but Corbis rolled out of the way. Corbis jumped up, unsheathing his dagger and drove it deep into Franklin’s back. The dagger shredded Franklin’s insides and shattered his spine as if it were made of shale. Franklin dropped to his knees; his eyes began to glaze over as he stared into the eyes of death. Finally, he fell over like an ancient oak and died, with his blood making a silhouette of his limp body.
Exhausted, Corbis fumbled on over to far corner of the hall while breathing hard. He looked into the blue sky and smiled. “I’ve done it. I have avenged you all and restored honor to our name. I now can rest peacefully now without any strife,” he rejoices throwing his arms into the air. “Marriot, I hope you can rest peacefully now as well, since your killer has been brought to justice,” he whispered to himself, thinking that she would hear him. Now, weary from battle and drained from achieving vengeance, Corbis walked out of the building and back to his rightful home.
Tell me what you guys think of it. I hardly have gotten any feed back outside of family and teachers (there is an exception because I did show it to a friend yesterday). Feel free to leave input!
I'm on hiatus overdrive! College is coming up soon! =P
So, what do you all think? I would love to hear what you people have to say!
I'm on hiatus overdrive! College is coming up soon! =P
Seriously?? 100 views?! That is awesome!
Tell me what you think! Please! With so many people having looked at this, please do!
I'm on hiatus overdrive! College is coming up soon! =P
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