Lost Hamlet Script - Phersu Edition
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Posted 10/16/14
A missing, alternative scene of Hamlet, featuring Phersu. Totally real and legit. Written by Shakespeare and Phersu.


Hamlet
-


Hamlet watched from his hiding place as his murderous uncle prayed, tempted to end him right then and there. But what if he did kill him now? Would he not go to heaven, being murdered during prayer?

"No. That's stupid. Just kill the bastard, Hamlet. Do it. Run him through, then let's go eat."

"Nay, dear Phersu, I can't allow the swine to ascend to Paradise."

"Hamlet, he murdered your father. He's going down to the bad place with pointy sticks and horrible marshmallows. Just kill him."

"But Phersu-"

"No! He's right there! Perfectly vulnerable!"

"I can't-"

"Everyone dies, Hamlet! Everyone dies if you don't just kill him now. Do it."

"That can't-"

"Your mom dies. Your friends die. Your girlfriend Ophelia kills herself because you suck at planning. Her brother dies. You die."

"Impossible!"

"You know who survives? Horatio. I mean, I like Horatio as much as the next guy, but seriously Hamlet. Just do it, you pansy."

"Hey!"

"Pansy say what? Pansy can't kill his uncle?"

"Stop that!"

"Pansy say stop? Pansy a little girl? Is that it, Pansy? You a little girl?"

"Rrrraaaaaaaaaaaagh!" Hamlet roars, fleeing from his cover and running his uncle through, killing him instantly.

"Damn right."

The End.

Posted 10/16/14
This is better than the actual 'Hamlet'.
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Posted 10/18/14
I'm glad to see Shakespeare still gets top billing in the credits.
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Posted 10/18/14

Juppiter wrote:

I'm glad to see Shakespeare still gets top billing in the credits.


He knows a good demon lawyer.
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Posted 10/18/14

Phersu wrote:


Juppiter wrote:

I'm glad to see Shakespeare still gets top billing in the credits.


He knows a good demon lawyer.


"Demon lawyer" sounds redundant to me.
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Posted 10/18/14

Juppiter wrote:

"Demon lawyer" sounds redundant to me.


It kinda is. Just, instead of being a vampire like lawyers on Earth.....it's a demon with horns.
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Posted 10/18/14

Phersu wrote:

It kinda is. Just, instead of being a vampire like lawyers on Earth.....it's a demon with horns.


Oh, they definitely must have horns. I wouldn't trust a demon who didn't have at least one pair on him. No one would take him seriously in court, otherwise.
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Posted 10/18/14

Juppiter wrote:

Oh, they definitely must have horns. I wouldn't trust a demon who didn't have at least one pair on him. No one would take him seriously in court, otherwise.


I suppose I could just cut his horns off, then steal Shakespeare's credit.
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Posted 10/18/14

Phersu wrote:

I suppose I could just cut his horns off, then steal Shakespeare's credit.


Now that sounds like a truly evil idea. Are you sure you're not a human?
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Posted 10/18/14

Juppiter wrote:

Now that sounds like a truly evil idea. Are you sure you're not a human?


I'm sure.
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