Help me improve my writing. :)
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Posted 11/2/14
Okay guys. So this isn't even the first draft, just an idea from a story I'm writing. To give some backstory, Ryuu is a powerful sorcerer who had Emis' soul trapped in his body. In order to keep the strain from killing them both, Ryuu allows his conciseness to fade away to save Emi, whom he had fallen in love with. Emi doesn't share his feelings (being a badass assassin, but starts to realize she did care for him) She finds a way to bring his soul back to life and aqqires her own body. She spends day after day trying bring back his memory, which he had lost, by reading his diary. What I'm asking for is that you give me some tips on how to make this scene even more emotional. I want the readers to be BAWLING their eyes out. Thanks!

Basic information for you.
RYUU is the main character/sorcerer
EMI is the girl that he gave up his body to.
Keisatsu are the military police (the corrupt governments lap dogs.)
Tekikaku is a gas powered precision weapon that fires a small 1/16 of an inch metal dart, at high speeds. It’s use is primarily for assassinations. (Ironically this was Emis’ favorite weapon when she was an assassin)

SCENE IN Part II

Emi finished reading the final page of his diary, and closed it with finality. The slap of the book closing reverberated off the walls of the room. It left the room with a very noticeable quietness. Almost as if you could hear the air moving through the room. To Ryuu, however, he could still hear the final words of the diary in his mind as if they still hung in the air.
Those were my words, he thought. I was the one who loved Emi. I was the one who gave up everything so she could live.
“I remember.”, Ryuu said, tears starting to run down his face. “I remember everything”.
“How did you bring me back? How did you find your own body? Where are the Keisatsu? I…I…”, his words caught in his throat as he became completely overwhelmed by emotion.
“I can’t believe I got to see you again.” he said, fighting back the tears.
“There’s time. I can explain it all to you later”, Emi replied. She smiled. Everything was starting to work itself out.
“I read your journal. I know how you feel about me.”, she began. “I couldn't understand for the longest time, I wanted to ask you myself. But the more I read, the more I realized we were the same. You weren’t loved or wanted by anyone. Your parents sold you to the Enforcers, and in all that time, all you wanted was to find someone who understands you.”
“Thats right.” he replied. “I accepted you for who you are, regardless of your past, or your failures.”
“You did what know one else would; what no one else could”.
Emi grabbed a stool and pulled it over to the bed Ryuu was lying in. She reached over and supported his back and neck to help him sit up. Ryuu sat on the edge of the bed, his legs hanging over the edge and his hands being held by hers.
Ryuu looked down at his hands with hers on top of them, and chuckled.
“Its so surreal. I never thought I would actually be able to touch you.” he said, looking into her dark eyes. Emi smiled, looking back at him, trying not to let herself cry.
“I waited so long for you to wake up, so I could tell you Ryuu”, she replied, her heart starting to to race.
“Tell me what?”, he asked, not daring to hope.
“I love you.”
She pulled him into towards her and planted her lips on his. Time itself seemed to slow down. Ryuu let go of her hands and gently placed his hands on her cheeks.
This can’t be real.
They stayed that way for what seemed like an eternity. Neither wanted it to end. But Ryuu had something to tell her, too. He pulled his lips away from hers, looked her in the eye, and said.
“ I love y—“
His the last word caught in his throat. He heard the crack of a window breaking, and felt Emis’ body jerk slightly. Looking away from the window, he saw the tiny metal dart of the Tekikaku embedded in the wall. He slowly brought his gaze back to meet Emis’, but her eyes were already losing their sparkle. As he pulled his face back from hers, he felt a warmth on his hands. Looking over he saw in horror that his hands, on either side of her face were covered in blood. A small puncture wound on both sides of her head was oozing blood, and it was running down his hands.
Trying to understand what he was seeing, and completely horrified by it, he released his hold on her. She slumped onto his chest. Dead weight. All at once it struck him. She was gone.
“WHY?!”. he screamed at the top of his lungs. Tears that he could no longer hold back began to mix with the blood that was now soaking his shirt.
He sat their trying to understand, trying to make sense of it, until the Keisatsu broke into his home and surrounded him.
But he didn't care. Emi was gone. He would stay there and curse the world, for there was nothing left worth living for.
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Posted 11/2/14
My thoughts:
I think you should take out the "WHY?!" part. It takes away from the emotions that you have built up. Usually when someone dies it becomes more quiet other than someone crying.

Something that confused me was why she died, maybe that's just because this is only a section out of it but not knowing that also take away from the emotion because it makes me start thinking about that. It feels a little cheesy when they are talking...but I have no idea how you would change that.

I like it though. Lots of good description and showing not telling.It's well organized and not all over the place.

I hope some of this helps.
Good Luck with your writing!
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Posted 11/2/14 , edited 11/2/14
Maybe don't remove the why, but preface it with his understanding of the situation that the reader doesn't have yet. Based on what you gave up for backstory, it seems like this Ryuu is trying really hard all the time and when it works out, it's gone just as fast. Maybe put his thoughts more towards asking why everything he wants he has to sacrifice so much for and everything he earns is taken from him.
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Posted 11/2/14
I like that! Thanks!
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