This is from a completed novel that's currently in a late editing phase. Mind if I received your thoughts? I'm already aware of what physically needs to be done to the writing itself though --but I want to know if this novel is worth the edit continuation. You can view this from either a real world perspective or anime if you want. (Though I wrote it with real-world intentions, I also viewed it in an anime sight too). The formatting is different from what I did in MS Word.
A novel by Alvin Atwater
About 76,000 words
Hell began years ago…
“This couldn’t be happening,” I said, nearly out of breath, fighting the pain that accompanied my wounds. I sighed at the blood on my white robe. It belonged to my fallen comrades. “So this is how Spirit World is being thought of now? A place where anyone can barge in and attempt to conquer.” I stabbed my weapon, the Spirit Sword, into the ground. “I feel so hopeless right now.”
“No, Fate, don’t think like that. We can still win,” my love, Destiny said. She grabbed ahold of my hand. “Now is not the time to give in. If we find their leader…”
“You’re right,” I said. “In fact, he is on his way to confront us himself.”
I glanced at the rocky castle surrounding. Beyond the destroyed walls, some of our people still fought and died. What a mess. Destiny’s younger sister, Aaola, was missing. I didn’t think this situation could get any worse but it did.
“Oh-hoh, hoh, the target has been spotted,” my dragon enemy, Vile, laughed as he soared from the skies. He and his dragon friends surrounded us. So much for gratitude from him. Note to self: never trust an injured baby dragon, take it in, restore it full health, and befriend it. Years later, I will end up regretting it.
I just couldn’t grasp how things came to this. Vile betrayed all of us, who cared about him for years–Princess Destiny, Aaola, me and everyone else who lived among him for years. Even I didn’t sense his craving for power. I am Fate –but couldn’t see his. What happened?
I grabbed my blade off the ground and pointed it at him. He snorted.
“That little sword of yours isn’t going to help you right now.”
Tears streamed down Destiny’s cheeks. “Vile, why are you doing this? Please tell me why? We shouldn’t fight each other –please, tell me what happened to you?”
Vile turned his head, as if looking at Destiny was an abomination. “Your power to control people’s fates is quite amazing. You cannot blame me for wanting to seek it. I will eliminate all of the divine ones and the dragon race will prevail! Fate and Destiny, you two are a contradicting joke. It is said that you both complete each other. Without one, the other must suffer alone. However… your powers do not work on dragon.” He chuckled. “Did you overlook us when you established security?”
“Security?” one of his dragon friends said. “It appears they focused too much on putting security on nature rather than themselves. Like those element guardian people, things, whatever they call them.”
“I’ve heard enough,” I said. “Vile, I don’t know what made you turn on us but this is an act of treason and you will be gravely punished for it.” I turned to Destiny. “I am sorry…but he cannot be saved.”
“Fine…” She was down, but couldn’t disagree with my judgment. As much as I hated to make execution-required final judgments, this one couldn’t be avoided.
Vile wiggled his toes as if his giant size intimidated me. He laughed with his dragon friends while insulting our race.
“You know, I always wanted to know what would happen, if I were to separate you two.” Vile said softly. A dim white aura surrounded him. I immediately knew he prepared to unleash dragon magic and a lot of it. “Yeah, that’s a great idea. I’ll cast magic at the level of a god –something interesting. There is only one way to defeat you, Fate. ” He chuckled.
“You can’t be serious, Vile,” one of his dragon friends said. “Don’t leave us. What if that spell doesn’t ---”
“Silence,” Vile said. “After getting a power boost like this one, thanks to Him, I can’t exactly resist this test. Besides, I wonder what life would be like if in the living zone. This is something I can’t resist. Worry not as I will retain my memory.” Vile turned his dark eyes at me. “Do you understand what I’m implying, Fate?”
I was speechless. This idea of his sounded like something planned for a long time. I knew exactly what he was implying. I had to stop it or else LOSE EVERYTHING.
Vile nodded. “Yes my friend, I’ll do it. Destiny will bring us together again anyway –and we will fight.” He laughed maniacally. Destiny gasped, her hands slightly trembling, powerless. She likely realized the meaning of his words and my own fate.
“Don’t worry about his pointless talk,” I told her. “This power in which he received drove him insane.” My glowing sword shifted its white color to blood red, preparing itself for execution. “I never thought I’d be casting you into oblivion, Vile.” I took off in a sprint toward him, my body pumping with adrenaline, ready to end this conflict with Vile, only to halt when he suddenly transformed into a giant ball of white light. The light burst and swirled into large particles that surrounded me. A barrage of horrifying pain, similar to that of being burned, surrounded my body. Immobilized, I fell.
“Fate!” Destiny yelled as she rushed to my side. My breathing and my heart slowed. I could see my body fading away.
“Destiny,” I whispered, unable to put more emotion into my last words. “Use the forbidden….to…save…Spirit…Wor—” Those were my last words before I passed away into possible nothingness. My last emotion was anger. A lot of it. How could I lose to him? How could I lose everything, from my control of balance itself, to Destiny, to power, to law and order –all of it! Now it is too late. I could only hope that whoever I became would remember it all. Destiny, I could only leave my restoration to you; else, eventually, the balance of nature itself would eventually break. Someone had to manage it. That was my job. And once I’m forcefully reborn in another life, it’s over. I guess I couldn’t blame Vile though. I’m impossible to kill. The idea of forcing me into reincarnation was beyond the intellect of a dragon, no matter how wise. The mastermind behind this is no doubt the greatest threat to existence itself.
Part 1: The Other Life.
Change of Fate and Colliding Destinies
Part one: Jake
My father raised his staff into the air. Within seconds, it shimmered causing a whirlwind to appear less than half a mile away. The whirlwind, filled with dirt and earth, danced in a path directed by my father’s staff. A great spell, created by the Wind Guardian himself, my father –most people would kill for magic powerful enough to bend nature itself.
“That was incredible,” I said as I clapped. I was also relieved that he could make it so that the giant whirlwind didn’t suck us into oblivion, even at this range.
Father passed me his staff. “Alright son –give it a try.”
I stared at the staff. What if I screwed this up? I didn’t want to look like bad in front of my Father. I’m pretty sure he’d be quite disappointed in me –after all of the years of excessive training –who wouldn’t be?
“Take it. You’ll do fine,” he assured. That warmed up my frozen confidence. I took the staff from his hands and briefly recited father’s teachings inside my head.
Following his rules, I started by observing the area. Who disliked training in a nice and comfortable grassland? The air of our training grounds was cool, but for some reason, it always seemed to smell of mud. What made this place stand out though was the sight of the royal palace from afar. A place I wish I could go visit at least one time. I took a deep breath –an important rule – and pointed the wooden staff forward.
“Go ahead kiddo –give me spell number eight,” father said. “And don’t tell me you’ve forgotten that simple old technique.” He chuckled.
“Of course not,” I said and then paused in thought for a few seconds. With a strong voice –probably a little too strong – I chanted the spell. Nothing happened. I mean seriously, that tore at me. I trained every day, from running barefoot on mountaintops or standing in furious windstorms without falling. All of that training –and I couldn’t wield one simple wind spell in front of Father. It’s not like I didn’t know how, I was just incredibly nervous in front of the one I looked up to.
“Jake,” father gave me a reassuring look. “Relax kid. Take some of that stress off your muscles and try again.” He smirked. “Unless you enjoyed the barefoot walks through those exciting blizzards.”
I shivered at the thought of those horrid memories. The newfound motivation allowed me to take a second deep breath, relax, and chant spell eight again. This time, my arms felt like rubber as the staff vibrated like an earthquake. The winds raged fiercely, but calmed after a few seconds. My spell was a success. A tad late in my opinion, but at least I overcame some nervousness.
“Very good,” Father said, clapping, his expression brightening.
At that moment, a weary feeling stuck me. This wasn’t a regular “let’s take a break” feeling. I felt like I could pass out at any second. But I’m not sick and this isn’t my first time casting magic. Maybe my body finally reacted to the overcasting of weak spells. I could cast a strong one and maybe that would re-focus my essence. But what… Maybe the whirlwind would do... Why not? Father would be amazed to see me pull off a spell of that magnitude.
I took another deep breath, but before I had the chance to chant, I heard something. A voice in fact, and it definitely wasn’t my conscience.
“You imbecile,” this voice bellowed. “Even you know you’re too weak to summon a whirlwind.” The voice laughed, scaring the crap out of me. “Allow me to show you how it’s done.”
My eyes widened as my arms aimed involuntarily at the open field. Surprised, I tried to jerk my arm away. Useless. Just what the heck was happening here? Why was my body moving by itself?
“Old man,” I involuntarily said. The voice that oozed out of my mouth was demonic. It was the sort of voice that would just make someone melt and not the happy kind either. “Watch this.”
“The he---what is this?” Father quickly moved back as I attempted to shout that it wasn’t me. Once again, useless and helpless. I had no control of my body whatsoever.
“Jake –wha… what’s going on?” Father said, confused.
“Just shut up and allow me to exhaust the magic your pathetic son has within him!” the voice continued. This was quickly getting ugly and I had to do something about it, before this escalated any further. Once again, I tried to shake free, move my fingers –anything that would signal a chance to regain control. I mean, why sit here, and let whatever this thing attempted happen without trying to break free of its control?
The sky darkened and suddenly, lightning bolts touched down in random places. Some of them nearby too.
“Jake! Snap out of it,” father yelled. He knew he couldn’t pursue an attack without his staff. I grinned involuntarily and raised it.
“Daddy, I’m trying to!” it laughed. “Let me tell you something. Essence is the building blocks of magic, right? It’s primarily the same –everywhere, except inside your kid’s body. His essence is so strange that the minute he thought about using advanced magic, he awakened me. I guess you can say his other half.”
“You expect me to believe this? Now I know what’s going on. You’re some kind of demon, who possessed my son, aren’t you? Don’t think I’m incapable of freeing him!” Father rushed at me. I tried to yell at him to wait, but once again, I was inexistent. The voice chuckled, aimed the staff at Father, and laughed maniacally. Father run! Please, get out of the way –please! I cried in thoughts.
“You really don’t know who you’re dealing with, old man.” The second the voice said that, a large crackling sound emitted through the air, followed by a blinding bolt of lightning. I nearly lost breath as I witnessed the bolt strike Father in the head, dissolving him instantly. Then it happened. The rage within me, the sadness, the shock –all of those elements gave me control of my body again. I raced over to where father was hit and fell to my knees. This couldn’t be real. No –what just happened? Tears felt unlimited.
“This can’t be!” I cried out, realizing I had just lost the coolest person in my life. I smashed my fists into the ground repeatedly as I cried. “Why is this happening? What did he do to deserve this?” I could feel blood oozing from my knuckles. Then something else happened. A desire to kill, a craving for revenge –both of these soaked through the edge of my thoughts, and slowly took over. I literally could see a black aura emerging itself around me.
“You killed him, brat,” laughed the voice. “You’re just a killer and you know it. You’re always going to have that killer instinct and one day, you will finally eliminate everyone. I can see it now.”
“No! No! No!” I bellowed. “Get out of my head –show yourself this instant!”
It simply laughed at me. “And what? Just accept that you and I are one person. Besides, you’re getting on my nerves, other me, so have a nice sleep.”
Immediately after the voice said that, I felt severely nauseated. Within seconds, I blacked into unconsciousness.
Part two: Lina
“Quick! We have very little time,” the urgency in the queen’s voice spurred Lina to move faster. She felt the woman’s hand tighten on hers as she struggled to keep up across the main grounds of the royal palace. Two hard-faced guards in blue cloaks followed behind.
Lina frowned upon noticing the outer walls of the palace. Each of them had large gaping holes within them. She knew this was a result of constant enemy attacks. A storm suddenly raged with its lightning arching in an unusual pattern. She could smell the scent of death from the passing breezes. A horrid feeling emerged through her gut. A bad omen.
The queen suddenly halted Lina. She took out a glistening purple gemstone from the depths of her pockets and passed it to her.
“This is your spirit jewel,” she whispered to her. “I want you to hang onto it.” Her eyes seemed to narrow when she glanced at Lina.
“Wh—what am I supposed to do with it, mom?” Lina asked.
“Hush honey,” said the queen. “Remember this; that jewel holds half of your power. The queen of the guardians herself smiled upon you, so please take care of it.”
Just then, someone appeared in the distance, his footsteps pounded heavily as he ran toward them. Lina noticed him, his torn white cape, menacing dark yellow eyes, and his short blonde hair. Lina knew that this person resembled another race, known as a human, a bit more than her own race did.
Before she could run, his hand swiped the gem at a speed beyond supernatural.
“No!” Lina’s hands clutched into fists, her battle instincts instantly took over.
“Thanks for the jewel, Phillisin crabs.” He appeared to be a teenage boy. His voice took on a humorous tone, signaling his enjoyment of mocking them. “I’ll take good care of this. Aaola’s Powers shouldn’t be wasted on a twerpish Phillisin girl slike as yourself. This is why I’m glad to have joined with the Gravelers. The knowledge is so infinite.”
Possibly fed up with the mouth of the boy, the queen yelled, “Return that at once, or I’ll have your head!” Her red eye color twinkled with worry. Phillisins, resembled humans as well, normally had white hair, and their eyes took on a reddish hue. At least that was what Lina had always known. She took a step toward the boy, anxious to retrieve her mother’s gift. However, the queen placed her hand on Lina’s shoulder, halting her attack. Lina felt the need to explode with fury. Didn’t her mom want the jewel back? Why should Lina stand there and observe?
“Guards, seek the Sapharian!” The queen’s snarled command made the boy laugh. The two guards rushed toward him with their staves aimed. One guard unleashed a bolt of lightning; however, an arch of electricity from the dark sky intercepted it. The boy roundhouse-kicked him to the ground and dodged the second guard’s spells. He raced in his direction, dodged more of his lightning spells, and then smashed his fist into the guard’s chest. The boy smiled in satisfaction as the guard fell to the ground.
“You know what the problem is with you Phillisin crabs? You don’t know how to stop butting into other races’ businesses.” The boy smirked. “You can’t even handle your own race. Soon, you’re going to have a race with nothing but traitors.”
He held the gem into the air as it shimmered. A burst of white light caused him to vanish from his original spot, leaving no trace left behind. The queen fell to her knees and wept.
“Mom, don’t cry,” said Lina. “We’ll get it back. I promise.”
The queen wiped away her tears. Although she was devastated to lose the spirit jewel after working so hard to protect it, she faced the fact that there was no time for crying.
“Lina, your father mustn’t hear about this,” she replied, trying not to cry. Lina nodded, her heart pounding from her mother’s uncomfortable tears.
Just then, a guard rushed out of the doors of the castle and to the queen. His face swam with distress.
“Zar has come for the princess!” he panicked.
“The traitor himself arrives. Fine,” said the queen. She quietly promised herself not to cry anymore. She wanted to do everything she could to protect Lina. She snapped her fingers, and the guard handed her a wooden wand. She waved it, causing a small ball of light to dart from the tip and hit the ground. It formed into a blue door.
“Lina, remember, your father and I will always love you,” the queen spoke.
“Mom, I don’t want to go. I want to stay here and fight!”
The queen replied, “You will have to live my sister until it is safe to return.”
Worried, Lina tried to think of a plan but failed. Suddenly, she noticed a strange aura oozing from a field in the distance. The cliff, which the castle rested atop of, was nearly three hundred feet high. She closed her eyes.
“Lina,” the queen called. “Are you ready?”
Lina did not respond. She began to picture a boy that was the same age as her, fifteen, lying on the ground. Black aura surrounded his body and swirled around through his insides. The boy also held a wooden staff that had a “Z” symbol carved on it. As a princess, she recognized it as a symbol of wind.
Somehow, Lina felt connected to this boy. Her instincts took a drive toward him, almost as if she was destined to know him. Lina’s eyes shot open and she felt herself running.
“Lina, no!” yelled the queen.
“Madam, she’ll run off the cliff if she keeps this up.” A guard said.
“Get her now. We must send her to my sister’s immediately. We can’t let Zar abduct her.”
The guards shot after Lina. Neither of them could teleport to her. She moved so fast, that they could barely see her.
One guard, who was persistent, closed in on her. He nearly caught her but in the midst of a second; she dove carelessly off the edge of the cliff. Lina realized what she had done and screamed. Heart trembling, teeth chattering, she closed her eyes and prepared for the impact with the ground. However, in midair, she felt herself fall into someone’s arms. They floated downward to safety.
“That was a close call,” a voice said softly.
She opened her eyes. A man of six feet, three inches tall, held her in his arms. He had long dreadlocks that took on a black color instead of white and lime-green eyes instead of red. He could not be Phillisin. Zar? Immediately, Lina panicked.
“Let me go!” she cried.
“It’s okay, young one. I’m not going to hurt you,” he retorted.
He placed Lina gently on the ground. Her eyes darted back and forth, searching for the boy, as if locating him was a life or death situation.
“I have to find him!” she raced toward the grassland. Just as she saw in her vision, the boy lied unconsciously on the ground. He wore a white cloak and matching shoes. He also held the staff she saw in her vision.
The aura oozed from his body violently. Although it was a just a light, an aura had always provided a story behind it.
“I knew it. You two are among the destined children.”
Lina turned around. The same person that had caught her stood walked toward her.
“Who are you?”
“I am Kian,” he said.
“Hey I know you,” Lina said, “You’re the leader of our kingdom’s Magic Forces and also fam –”
“We have no time for this –You two are coming with me.”
“Your mother will be fine,” Kian assured. “She knows what must be done, but don’t get discouraged. You have found the last destined child. This is destiny.”
Lina noticed the staff Kian grasped in his hand. It had a star symbol carved into it –the symbol of a legend.
Kian waved it.
“We’re going to warp to headquarters.”
“I…I’ve never warped before,” Lina said.
Kian smiled. “Let’s give it a try then.” He picked up the unconscious boy and waved his staff in a circular motion. Suddenly, everything became bright, leaving no object visible. The winds blew furiously. Lina noticed the ground she stood on was morphing into a different shape. Within seconds, the winds calmed and the bright light subsided. The entire area was different and a large grey mansion caught Lina’s attention. It was twice the size of her castle home. Lina’s nostrils filled with fresh air from the surrounding forest. She admired the blue sky, which took her mind away from the raging storm at home. The temperature felt perfect. Lina wondered where this place was located.
“Whoa,” Lina gasped as Kian sat the boy down.
“I know his mother. I’ll have to inform her of the events I saw with my visual spell.”
“Is he going to be okay?” Lina asked, worried.
“Yes. Don’t worry about him.”
Kian turned. “Wait here until I return.” He held his staff in the air. His body shimmered and then he disappeared.
Lina eyed the boy curiously. The aura she saw before was gone. She found herself sitting beside him, inspecting his staff and then eyeing him. She did not know why she felt so comfortable around him. The feeling she had; it was as if she knew him. Maybe it had something to do with what Kian said. She thought for a second. It had to be something about being destined.
Lina began to shake the boy, her desire to see him awake increased.
“Hey, wake up!” He did not budge. Was he dead? Lina shook away the thought and tried to awake him again but he still refused to move. Frustrated, Lina clenched her fist together and swung with excessive force at the boy’s arm. His eyes slowly opened. They darted side to side confusedly.
“I see you’re awake,” Lina said softly, hoping he did not feel the possible pain from her punch. The boy flinched. He opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. He looked shrouded in sadness.
This entire novel may go through its 9th complete re-write --I'm debating on it.
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