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Friend-Zone P.S.A.
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29 / M / Bullhead City, AZ
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Posted 12/10/14 , edited 12/11/14
We've all been in the friend-zone at one point or another, and if you haven't you either don't realize it yet or you're the one putting people in said friend zone.

"But Scott, what's so bad about the friend zone? All it is, is a way for someone you care about to tell you the feelings aren't mutual with as little pain as possible."

Wrong, guy currently in the friend-zone.

The problem with the "friend zone" is that once you realize what it actually is, it's very rude and disrespectful.

In my youth I used to think of the friend zone like the majority of men and women do, which is that I thought it was just a dumping ground for guys/girls who had confessed to their crush and the feelings weren't reciprocated, similar to the image of a bunch of guys sitting on a bench in a mall holding their girls' purse while they went clothes shopping with their girlfriends. That in and of itself doesn't seem so bad, though maybe a bit disheartening that your feelings weren't shared but otherwise not all that bad. This however as I got older was just the ignorant way of thinking about what the friend zone was.

The cold hard truth is that the friend zone is a very disrespectful place to put someone who has feelings for you, as well as very selfish and inconsiderate. Let me preface what I am about to say by saying that I am going to largely discuss this from a guys point of view because well, I am a guy, although I will talk about the female point of view as well but keep in mind that it applies to both sides regardless.

When you get placed in the friend zone immediately give up ever trying to get out, and I would go so far as to say to stop being there for that person, perhaps even as a friend. When you are in the friend zone you become a boyfriend/girlfriend that will never receive anything in return. Women will always come to you to fill their emotional needs with no intention of ever reciprocating, and a mans friend zone is more commonly known as the "friends with benefits", which we all know exactly what a friend with benefits is, a sex buddy. The man will always come to you to fill his physical needs without ever giving you the emotional support women need. Just about all women past a certain age know exactly what it's like to be a booty call at least once in their life and how on an emotional level you keep hoping that one day that one, if the woman isn't playing the guy for the same reason, will fall for which never happens. It's the same for guys as well, the woman will never be the girlfriend you want though she comes to you for the fulfillment she needs from a boyfriend until she finds the guy she actually wanted.

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free is what the above paragraph comes down to, and in relation to the friend zone, is very true. Women will blindly offer up their bodies to guys and guys will blindly offer their love to girls, hoping that one day that particular person will see everything they've done for them, how they've always been there for them when they were needed and fall for them. But why should they give you what you seek when you are giving them what they want without contest? Even if the person who placed you in the friend zone doesn't realize it, they are indeed using you and will never give you what you want from them.

I bet at least some of you have experienced this at least once in your life so far. You are there for the girl you like whenever she needs you. Whenever something bad happens, you're there to support her. Whenever she's sad, you make it your duty to make her happy. Whenever she's lonely, you give up your time to be with her. This all applies to women being there for men too, but like I said I'm a guy, so going with the guys point of view. And then something bad happens in your life, something makes you sad, something makes you angry or lonely or whatever you might be feeling at the time. You turn to her/him for the same support you've been giving them, and they're disinterested. They start acting like it's annoying to have to deal with you, like you're a burden or they don't even try to hide the fact that it's obvious they'd much rather be doing something else then helping you through a problem or troubled time.

You can make excuses all you want. Convince yourself that he or she isn't an asshole, that it was just a really bad time to ask them for help, that your sudden change in mood caught them by surprise and threw them off, or any other of the many different excuses you make for them not caring about you. The truth however though is that the friend zone is a very one-sided relationship, that they are happy to be your friend as long as you fill the needs they have without ever requesting the same respects, but the moment you call in your favor you are down one more friend. This is actually very common in animes, even if you don't notice them.

If you find yourself in the friend zone, do nothing for that person. Don't be there when they need you, don't even so much as give them the time of day. Do it for your own self-respect, do it so that they realize that you wont let them manipulate your feelings for them, do it because those people don't deserve your friendship in the first place. Not only will it hurt less if you go offensively-defensive, but in rare cases it will actually make them fall for you. It's you putting your foot down and drawing a line in the sand showing them that if they want their needs met, they have to meet yours as well.
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Posted 12/10/14 , edited 12/12/14
Spin off of my thread! Whooooo!
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39 / M / Florida
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Posted 12/10/14 , edited 12/10/14
How about setting your standards lower? Or did you put them in this alleged friend zone.
If I believed in a friend zone, I wouldn't see smoking hot ladies with nerdy-arsed guys.
There are a lot of things that go into "getting the ladies" and most of what they are, those who have been complaining about a "friend zone" don't seem to have gotten to that point.
I came across Phersu's thoughts on this subject earlier, and there's been at least one other that I've paid attention to.
It starts with confidence, followed by a show of various forms of strength, and showing that you can support her and a family helps.
It's harder as we get older, and your 10 years younger, wait till you meet the ladies when y'all are in your 30's!
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16 / F / Connecticut
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Posted 12/10/14 , edited 12/11/14
I don't have experience, but the whole being used thing could be avoided if one just used common sense. If they don't like you, be sad for a bit, then get over it. It'd be a waste of time hanging around something and hoping their feelings would change. I feel like "the friendzone" is just an excuse to bitch about not getting who you wanted. You aren't really friends if you don't treat each other equally.
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25 / M / NYC Metro Area
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Posted 12/10/14 , edited 12/11/14

sasarahsept wrote:

I don't have experience, but the whole being used thing could be avoided if one just used common sense. If they don't like you, be sad for a bit, then get over it. It'd be a waste of time hanging around something and hoping their feelings would change. I feel like "the friendzone" is just an excuse to bitch about not getting who you wanted. You aren't really friends if you don't treat each other equally.


Well agreed if they other person truly treats you like a friend and not some type of back-up plan. If the first case, if you truly enjoy their company and you accept that it will go nowhere and you are okay with that you can make a friendship work, however, if it is obvious the other person is going to play games with you and hit on you/go out with you only when there Plan A is treating them like crap, ditch 'em.
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25 / M / NYC Metro Area
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Posted 12/10/14 , edited 12/11/14

Frostbrand wrote:

How about setting your standards lower? Or did you put them in this alleged friend zone.
If I believed in a friend zone, I wouldn't see smoking hot ladies with nerdy-arsed guys.
There are a lot of things that go into "getting the ladies" and most of what they are, those who have been complaining about a "friend zone" don't seem to have gotten to that point.
I came across Phersu's thoughts on this subject earlier, and there's been at least one other that I've paid attention to.
It starts with confidence, followed by a show of various forms of strength, and showing that you can support her and a family helps.
It's harder as we get older, and your 10 years younger, wait till you meet the ladies when y'all are in your 30's!


Harder when you get older? Are you kidding me, my experience has been the exact opposite. Now that I am an engineer it's pretty easy to land dates with doctors, lawyers and financial consultants (banking staff). Picked up another language, hang around colleges when on vacation and attend intellectual events such as language exchanges, philosophy seminars, socials at cafes. When I was in high school women wouldn't even give me the time of day, now getting numbers is ridiculously easy.
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28 / M / San Antonio
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Posted 12/10/14 , edited 12/13/14
Can I get a TL;DR version?
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25 / M / NYC Metro Area
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Posted 12/10/14 , edited 12/10/14

jeanius- wrote:

We've all been in the friend-zone at one point or another, and if you haven't you either don't realize it yet or you're the one putting people in said friend zone.

"But Scott, what's so bad about the friend zone? All it is, is a way for someone you care about to tell you the feelings aren't mutual with as little pain as possible."

Wrong, guy currently in the friend-zone.

The problem with the "friend zone" is that once you realize what it actually is, it's very rude and disrespectful.

In my youth I used to think of the friend zone like the majority of men and women do, which is that I thought it was just a dumping ground for guys/girls who had confessed to their crush and the feelings weren't reciprocated, similar to the image of a bunch of guys sitting on a bench in a mall holding their girls' purse while they went clothes shopping with their girlfriends. That in and of itself doesn't seem so bad, though maybe a bit disheartening that your feelings weren't shared but otherwise not all that bad. This however as I got older was just the ignorant way of thinking about what the friend zone was.

The cold hard truth is that the friend zone is a very disrespectful place to put someone who has feelings for you, as well as very selfish and inconsiderate. Let me preface what I am about to say by saying that I am going to largely discuss this from a guys point of view because well, I am a guy, although I will talk about the female point of view as well but keep in mind that it applies to both sides regardless.

When you get placed in the friend zone immediately give up ever trying to get out, and I would go so far as to say to stop being there for that person, perhaps even as a friend. When you are in the friend zone you become a boyfriend/girlfriend that will never receive anything in return. Women will always come to you to fill their emotional needs with no intention of ever reciprocating, and a mans friend zone is more commonly known as the "friends with benefits", which we all know exactly what a friend with benefits is, a sex buddy. The man will always come to you to fill his physical needs without ever giving you the emotional support women need. Just about all women past a certain age know exactly what it's like to be a booty call at least once in their life and how on an emotional level you keep hoping that one day that one, if the woman isn't playing the guy for the same reason, will fall for which never happens. It's the same for guys as well, the woman will never be the girlfriend you want though she comes to you for the fulfillment she needs from a boyfriend until she finds the guy she actually wanted.

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free is what the above paragraph comes down to, and in relation to the friend zone, is very true. Women will blindly offer up their bodies to guys and guys will blindly offer their love to girls, hoping that one day that particular person will see everything they've done for them, how they've always been there for them when they were needed and fall for them. But why should they give you what you seek when you are giving them what they want without contest? Even if the person who placed you in the friend zone doesn't realize it, they are indeed using you and will never give you what you want from them.

I bet at least some of you have experienced this at least once in your life so far. You are there for the girl you like whenever she needs you. Whenever something bad happens, you're there to support her. Whenever she's sad, you make it your duty to make her happy. Whenever she's lonely, you give up your time to be with her. This all applies to women being there for men too, but like I said I'm a guy, so going with the guys point of view. And then something bad happens in your life, something makes you sad, something makes you angry or lonely or whatever you might be feeling at the time. You turn to her/him for the same support you've been giving them, and they're disinterested. They start acting like it's annoying to have to deal with you, like you're a burden or they don't even try to hide the fact that it's obvious they'd much rather be doing something else then helping you through a problem or troubled time.

You can make excuses all you want. Convince yourself that he or she isn't an asshole, that it was just a really bad time to ask them for help, that your sudden change in mood caught them by surprise and threw them off, or any other of the many different excuses you make for them not caring about you. The truth however though is that the friend zone is a very one-sided relationship, that they are happy to be your friend as long as you fill the needs they have without ever requesting the same respects, but the moment you call in your favor you are down one more friend. This is actually very common in animes, even if you don't notice them.

If you find yourself in the friend zone, do nothing for that person. Don't be there when they need you, don't even so much as give them the time of day. Do it for your own self-respect, do it so that they realize that you wont let them manipulate your feelings for them, do it because those people don't deserve your friendship in the first place. Not only will it hurt less if you go offensively-defensive, but in rare cases it will actually make them fall for you. It's you putting your foot down and drawing a line in the sand showing them that if they want their needs met, they have to meet yours as well.


Yeah recently got out of the friendzone by simply walking away. Men need to man up and know when they are getting taken advantage off and get away from toxic relationships.
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25 / M / NYC Metro Area
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Posted 12/10/14 , edited 12/10/14

narfington wrote:

Can I get a TL;DR version?


If you are in the friendzone leave it, nobody is forcing you to stay but your denial that things are going to magically get better. I agree you don't need a book to explain something that can be explained in a single sentence.
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29 / M / Bullhead City, AZ
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Posted 12/10/14
Yeah sorry about that. I'm a writer so I tend to type a lot without thinking about how big the end result is.
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21 / M / Canada eh
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Posted 12/10/14
I actually escaped the friendzone.
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(´◔౪◔)✂❤
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Posted 12/10/14 , edited 12/10/14
Maybe you are just not good enough for that person? In order for someone to consider you, you need to see if you're worth going after in the first place.
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22 / M / Chicago, IL
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Posted 12/10/14 , edited 12/11/14
Friend-Zoned or not. Always be yourself and be the best person you could be.
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25 / F / City of Angels
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Posted 12/10/14 , edited 12/11/14
I skimmed through the post but I don't get what the big deal is about being in the friend zone. If you like someone and they don't like you back.. MOVE ONE. Will it hurt... yes... but will it get better... ABSOLUTELY. It's like when you break up with someone, it hurts like hell, you cry about it but then you move on to the next thing in your life.
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28 / M / San Antonio
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Posted 12/10/14 , edited 12/11/14
Well I'm just gonna say it. I think the majority of the people who complain about the friendzone don't truly have feelings for these girls. I think they're just mad they can't get laid.
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