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Can Two People Be Lovers But Not Friends?
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25 / M / Durango, CO
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Posted 12/11/14
My ex beat the shit out of me and did other things. But for a time there it was sex, sex, sex. So yes you can have a lover who is also your worse enemy.
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Posted 12/11/14

AiYumega wrote:

Over 50% of marriages end in divorce, so there's gotta something wrong with how love and friendship works.

My parents have been married for over 20 years and are honestly each other's best friend, so I would say it's possible but I've yet to see it.


I think that's because of the speed at which we move in relationships (because everryone's so god damned obsessed with being in one) and how friendships aren't as highly rated (and thus, are less pressured) and just seem to meander and develop.

It's not surprising when you first get to know someone, a week later are sleeping together, six months later are living together, a year later planning a wedding... and in some cases, that's considered slow...... That's another tick into the "why I am single" category... I can't move at that pace.

I think it is better to get to know people longer, and, perhaps develop a friendship first.... but there's no time when people just swing from one relationship to another. No down time. No "figure out who the fuck you are WITHOUT someone time... (another tick in that "why I'm single" box)

As for friends and lovers? eh. Lovers are people you're attracted to. Friends are people you like being around. The ideal is having one person that's both.
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Posted 12/11/14

GayAsianBoy wrote:

am not experience in love enough to give a useful answer

but am sure there are different expectations for friends and boyfriend. like I wouldn't get angry if a friend forgot my bday, but would be mad as a cow if a bf forgot.





It's been a long time since I've had a lover. beyond the added bonus of "hey, we have sex", they'e kinda like the friends that, in my own head and emotions, I feel like I'm saying "I choose you over the rest". I don't expect them to remember every birthday, every event, etc. I expect some show of reciprocation from time to time, and the only other thing that's a must is a fierce loyalty to me.(equal to what I give). If the heart starts to stray, I know it before the mind or body catch on...
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20 / M / California
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Posted 12/11/14
Friends with be- wait no.... Sex buddy? Fling?
Posted 12/11/14
Guys, I meant do they have to share common interests.
Posted 12/12/14 , edited 12/12/14
If love at first sight is real, it's possible. Friendship often requires more time to develop than love, so the idea that love cannot precede friendship is moot. All you need is a mutual coactivation of love at first sight from both sides.
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23 / M / A town called "Ci...
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Posted 12/12/14
I don't get this at all...
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36 / M
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Posted 12/12/14 , edited 12/12/14
I am friends with my wife. I have not been friends with every woman I have been in a relationship with though. I can love someone that I cannot really be friends with. I would assume that most likely that means others can too. I am rather odd (not neurotypical would make a decent warning label for me), but I am not so far removed from a normal person that my experiences are completely unique.

I can say though that the relationships where we were not friends all ended, and some ended badly. I married the one that I can be friends with and we have been through some very rough stuff together. Life events of the type known to lead to divorce for many. Job loss going into poverty and nearly losing everything being only one item on the list. We are still going strong and often even vaguely irritate others with how well we still get along and how much we are still into one another.

So sure, you can be in love without being friends. I just don't recommend it if you are looking for something long term.

Also, the moving too fast bit: Yes, this. They say it takes two years before you can really know someone. Don't rush it. Hollywood lies. How can you actually make a commitment when you don't even know what you're committing to?
Posted 12/12/14

LordDust wrote:

I am friends with my wife. I have not been friends with every woman I have been in a relationship with though. I can love someone that I cannot really be friends with. I would assume that most likely that means others can too. I am rather odd (not neurotypical would make a decent warning label for me), but I am not so far removed from a normal person that my experiences are completely unique.

I can say though that the relationships where we were not friends all ended, and some ended badly. I married the one that I can be friends with and we have been through some very rough stuff together. Life events of the type known to lead to divorce for many. Job loss going into poverty and nearly losing everything being only one item on the list. We are still going strong and often even vaguely irritate others with how well we still get along and how much we are still into one another.

So sure, you can be in love without being friends. I just don't recommend it if you are looking for something long term.

Also, the moving too fast bit: Yes, this. They say it takes two years before you can really know someone. Don't rush it. Hollywood lies. How can you actually make a commitment when you don't even know what you're committing to?


Good story. Doesn't mean anything in the end.
Posted 12/12/14 , edited 12/12/14

PeripheralVisionary wrote:

Guys, I meant do they have to share common interests.


The common interest can be each other's genitals. Doesn't mean there's a friendship between the two - or even three if you're a team player - unless we're counting friends with benefits here.

Think harder than that.


Riesel wrote:



Good story. Doesn't mean anything in the end.


Strong friendship + slow romance = long term relationship

Not sure how you missed that.
Posted 12/12/14

PeripheralVisionary wrote:

Guys, I meant do they have to share common interests.


You need that to be friends with someone?
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23 / M / AZ
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Posted 12/12/14
I think that two people who love one another are more than friends.
i know people that are married but hate each other's guts. That isn't love.
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27 / M
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Posted 12/12/14
It's possible. It has a good chance of not working out but it's possible.
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33 / M / Baltimore, MD
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Posted 12/12/14 , edited 12/12/14

AiYumega wrote:

Over 50% of marriages end in divorce, so there's gotta something wrong with how love and friendship works.

My parents have been married for over 20 years and are honestly each other's best friend, so I would say it's possible but I've yet to see it.


I hate this statistic. I know a lot of people bring it up, but it's misleading. Why? Because it accounts for all marriages. That includes second, third, and fourth marriages. First marriages, tend to not end in divorce nearly as often as second or third marriages, statistically speaking. Examples which prove this include my uncle, who's on his 4th marriage. A study from the CDC in 2011 showed,

In 2006–2010, the probability of a first marriage lasting at least 10 years was 68% for women and 70% for men. Looking at 20 years, the probability that the first marriages of women and men will survive was 52% for women and 56% for men in 2006–2010
Meaning? First marriages have a less than 50% chance of ending in divorce and greater than 50% chance of lasting more than 20 years. Note, that rate has also been on the decline and continues to decrease over time. I hope it continues to do so. Here's a link to the study: http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage-divorce.htm


PeripheralVisionary wrote:

Guys, I meant do they have to share common interests.

If this is the case - then not all interests have to be shared for a relationship to work. For example, my wife & I have been married 7.5 years (dated for 2 years before that). But, she dislikes Star Wars, doesn't get anime, HATES Buffy (but doesn't mind Angel), and only marginally likes video games. She prefers to watch me play video games than to play with me. That said, our marriage is solid and we have something in common, which is a) our values (both came from pretty traditional families, wanted children, and wanted to only marry once); b) our faith (both devout, Evangelical Christians); and c) friendship that is incredibly close. I love my wife incredibly and she loves me. We are each other's best friend. So while we may not share all our common interests, but we do share what, in the end, matters to us. 7.5 years of marriage and 4 kids later, I think we're doing okay - even if she doesn't like Star Wars.

I mean come on, how can a person not like Star Wars...seriously...
Sogno- 
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Posted 12/12/14

mdmrn wrote:

I mean come on, how can a person not like Star Wars...seriously...


she secretly likes it and is being tsundere
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