Relationship Advice
10705 cr points
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25 / M
Posted 1/2/15
So every time I'm in a relationship, I get scared and end it. Had some abusive relationships in the past and been raped a few times before so I sort of have major trust issues, but I also trust people too fast. I don't know what to do. If sexual stuff happens at the start of the relationship, then it's doomed to fail. But I can't do anything to stop it. Also I feel guilt all the time when I'm with someone just because. I don't have a reason for it.

Any advice on what I should do to get over the fear of relationships? To get rid of the guilt? And to keep the relationships alive?

A little about me. I'm 6'5" and 150 Pounds. Interests is anime, video games, bushcraft, survival, camping, cycling, and more. 23 years old.
Posted 1/2/15
Don't advertise yourself.

You have to be mentally strong and know the limitations. With that, you can choose when to stop something. You have to know what type of relationship you're looking for. The one you want. You want a long term one? Not one of those "almost like friends for benefits with the boyfriend/girlfriend tag attached", You already know that sexual relationships on the first week are doomed to fail. It's a logical reasoning. So why not find a girl who is willing to take the time to know you, instead of being lust driven and just having physical bonding and not emotional?

That's why most people who date their friends, close friends, bestfriends..... Will have a higher chance of success....

Find someone who doesn't just attract you physically, but really captivates your heart and mind, really brings out the best in you, makes you want to protect her. Someone who will know your worst things but accepts them. Someone who wants you to be happy and also wants to take care of you back.

Relationships take two people.

You have to come across a lot of "that's the wrong chick" type of thing...

The best part is when you're not even looking, and the right girl just pops up.

So for now, live your life. Improve yourself... That's all. Don't go actively searching for a girl. It'd only put an impression on others that you're desperate or something.... Not meaning to say that you are... But just something to consider.
Posted 1/2/15
Be affirmative. Affirm you don't want to get sexually involved till you are comfortable. She'll understand. If not, screw her.

As for the relationship fear, why are you afraid?

That's all I know.
12352 cr points
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26 / M / United States
Posted 1/5/15

You just dropped a bomb on CR, just thought you should know that before I begin. Secondly, I have a degree in psychology, not that im some sort of miracle worker or anything, but I should be more useful than your average CR user for this sort of thing.

You brought up your past, you obviously will have baggage from that, everyone does, but you don't really mention any genuine therapy that you may have been to? Sexual abuse, as you know better than most, can really scar how you approach relationships and people in general. Can I trust this person, do they trust me, and then the dealing with flashbacks or in your case, that persistent guilt, usually leaves most people in this sort of rut. MY guess? You don't feel good enough for the sexual aspect of the relationship because you feel too damaged to be loved which manifests this major insecurity during sexually tense situations. You say you can't pinpoint the reason, but you just have to come to terms with yourself. Sometimes you are your own reason!

My advice? Find some friend girls, hang out with them, become comfortable being around the opposite sex and expressing your thoughts/feelings to the opposite sex in a controlled manner. My question would be how soon you are ending these relationships, and if you are being up front with your past before-hand with these girls, or shutting them out altogether? Either way, you are in a tough position.
3073 cr points
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19 / M / the capital waste...
Posted 1/5/15
You need a good wingman/bro the bros job (if he's trustworthy) is to give an outside look at your special someone and tell you why they're not good for you right off the bat and also why they are good for you ....if your bro gives the green light and can't see any immediate things for why you wouldn't get along or aren't good for each other then try it out ...once you two get close only you can know if they're a good match for you, also a good bro will help you break off the relationship if you really wanted to end it, and as for being nervous just think they're nervous to so treat them how you would want to be treated and just be yourself
2980 cr points
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Posted 1/5/15
Sorry ahead of time if my advice isn't good but I do want to help you.

I'm really sorry about what happened to you in your past. That's terrible. I agree with Shishiku that the most effective way to deal with your abusive past is to seek therapy. It's the most direct way to confront your trust issues and your fears and insecurities regarding relationships. In addition to therapy, it would be a tremendous help to you if you could talk to someone in your life about these issues, like a trusted friend or sibling, maybe? It's good to be able to express your feelings and insecurities to someone else so they could help take that weight off your shoulders.

I'm pretty sure there are plenty of females who don't need sex to be a part of the relationship or are willing to wait until marriage. I get that it's a vital part for some people but it's not the most important part. Idk, maybe it's just me. Anyway, you definitely have a chance of meeting those girls some day and when you do, just start off slow. Get to know them as people first and try to build trust with them.

Pretty much, don't jump into relationships too quickly. Give yourself time to come to terms with your past. Try to talk to someone you trust and try to seek therapy if you can. Good luck, Arsenul.
6494 cr points
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26 / M
Posted 1/9/15 , edited 1/9/15
In my opinion, I would not try to "get rid of" the guilt but rather transform it. It happened and its in the past you expierienced. My suggestion is to let it go. As I said It happened in the past you experieinced, I would let it go and give yourself time and when your ready then things will clear up naturally.

Reagarding relationships, when you do find a girl that you believe is one you want to stay with I would not hide anything from her. If she truly cares about you then she will understand. Its ok to take it slow; whatever pace is most comfortable with you and the girl you end up with. Rape sounds hard to deal with. But I would recommend asking yourself "How stong is my relationship with myself?" If a person is not in a strong, lasting realtionship with themselves how can one expect be in a strong, lasting relationship with someone else? I recommend meditation for these kinds of things. Basically sit in a comfortable position with your eyes closed and in a place that is quiet and watch your breath and let your self observe what thoughts are there. Trust yourself that it willbe ok. I also think finding someone you can talk about these feelings may help.
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Posted 1/9/17
Forum Clean up. Old 2015 threads Locked.
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