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Unrequited Love
Posted 4/28/15
After about 4 years of trying desperately for someone who will just never love me back
I've decided that today- I'm done.

So, what now? What have you done to move on or move up? Has there ever been something you've had to do in your life that you did eventually have to give up on? Relationship stories encouraged.
Posted 4/28/15 , edited 4/28/15
only after i stopped seeing that person on a frequent basis. then i forgot about them.

but if i kept seeing the person, i don't think i could ever let go of the feeling.



props to anyone who has to see their unrequited love every day/often, and is able to get over it. it's tough.

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25 / M / Fredericton, NB
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Posted 4/28/15
Understand where you are coming from, after 2 and a half years and finally decided I was done trying for this one person. Honestly it was worth dropping all connection with them to get past it, skype, facebook etc..

I'd think no matter what you do to trying and move past, sometimes its not gonna be easy, especially if its in a situation like university and you see them all the time.

And for icing on the cake, this is exactly what I'm going through now, fortunately for me though she is an exchange student, so it will be easier to lose contact and to move on. Right now, I don't think i'm doing much, every day is difficult honestly thinking how I wanted things to play out.. so her goes to the cliche 'just takes time' I suppose
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31 / F / Los Angeles, CA
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Posted 4/29/15 , edited 4/29/15
It's a bitch, isn't it? I've been there. On both sides. I've learned a few lessons. This is gonna be half-story and half-preaching. I hope you don't mind this kind of response.

I've had my share of relationships. Of those that didn't work out so well, I've more often been on the other end of the situation you're talking about. The best example is one guy who was really stuck on me. We spent a lot of time together. Our "relationship" lasted for years. I'm not even sure what to call what we had. We were definitely close, but we bounced between bf-gf, fwb's, and just close friends. I liked him, and I saw him as a close friend, confidante, and a bit of a kindred spirit. Not much more, though. I eventually learned that he really loved me. So I started drawing lines because I didn't want him to be stuck. I made it clear what he would and wouldn't get from me, that I couldn't requite his feelings. Despite that, for my sake, he was passing on people who were genuinely interested in him, and I wanted him to have somebody who could return his feelings. He kept wanting to see me anyway. He said he wouldn't give up.

So one day, we had an argument. And that time, instead of reconciling quickly, which we usually did, I just deleted his number. I haven't seen him or spoken to him since. Kinda mean, but I'd rather he just thought I was walking away because of the fight. In reality, I figured I was hurting him indirectly by being around, and I decided to stop doing so.

It was hurting myself too, I later realized. I may not have loved him, but I was still leaning on him more than I knew. By having him as an emotional crutch, I wasn't really emotionally available to everyone else. Not long after I cut things off with him, I found my current partner, which has been the most fulfilling relationship I've ever had. I've been with him for over four years now.

The wheel turns as you get older, though. When I experienced it from the other side, I realized that the responsibility was really with him. People make their own choices, and those choices have power.

There's a girl that's a close friend of mine, probably my closest friend. I don't want to mince words. I love her. With the way she acts, I think she may feel something too, though that might just be wishful thinking. If I had pushed, I might have had something with her. That's not as bad as it sounds, as my current relationship is semi-open. But she has a guy in her life, and she's a lot more of a straight arrow.

It's never happening, and it shouldn't happen. There are a million reasons why it's never happening, not the least of which is that I'd only hurt her if I went for it. But I still think about her a lot. Sometimes it's not a choice. Sometimes it is. It got better over time, though.

If you're ready to be done with it, you won't be able to turn off all those thoughts and feelings at once. But if you can get the past the idea, and you're willing to keep up some distance, it will fade in time. And if you can't keep physical distance, at least keeping some emotional distance will help to make it easier. Don't really think of this as the end of something. This is the beginning. Letting yourself be emotionally available might be the opening you need to find somebody you /can/ have.
mnmike 
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Posted 4/29/15
Personally, in the past when I've had an unrequited love, it usually because I put that person up on a pedestal. A beautiful girl would be nice to me, and so I would start dwelling on that and stop seeing them as a complete human being.

If that's the case, the easiest way to get over it--other than to cut off contact, which isn't always possible--is to start cataloging their faults. (Honestly, that's a good way to kill any relationship.) Literally write down every bad thing you can think of about the person, and add to that list every time they do something that annoys you even a little bit.

And if you can't think of anything bad? Then you really don't know that person very well, because we all have faults. After 12 years of marriage, I can tell you that True Love--as opposed to attraction, lust, or infatuation--is about accepting the entirety of someone, both the good and the bad, and choosing to be with them even when they are being annoying, or self-destructive, or selfish, or petulant.
Posted 4/30/15

GayAsianBoy wrote:

only after i stopped seeing that person on a frequent basis. then i forgot about them.

but if i kept seeing the person, i don't think i could ever let go of the feeling.

props to anyone who has to see their unrequited love every day/often, and is able to get over it. it's tough.



Unfortunately, I do still live with them.
We were in love for such a long time, I have to constantly remind myself that I need to care about -just- me for a while.
I'm trying to avoid the sinking feeling too.
What a stupid, shitty feeling. ;P
Ice cream helps...xD
Posted 4/30/15

Quinnocent wrote:

...If you're ready to be done with it, you won't be able to turn off all those thoughts and feelings at once. But if you can get the past the idea, and you're willing to keep up some distance, it will fade in time. And if you can't keep physical distance, at least keeping some emotional distance will help to make it easier. Don't really think of this as the end of something. This is the beginning. Letting yourself be emotionally available might be the opening you need to find somebody you /can/ have.


I really appreciate the insight!

I'm still incredibly bothered by the idea of trying to find someone new.
But I haven't really been single for a very long time
so I think I'll leave love to everyone else
and just focus on me for the time being.
There are some things I've missed
and I'm still alive so it can't be ALL bad.
Posted 4/30/15

mnmike wrote:

Personally, in the past when I've had an unrequited love, it usually because I put that person up on a pedestal. A beautiful girl would be nice to me, and so I would start dwelling on that and stop seeing them as a complete human being.

If that's the case, the easiest way to get over it--other than to cut off contact, which isn't always possible--is to start cataloging their faults. (Honestly, that's a good way to kill any relationship.) Literally write down every bad thing you can think of about the person, and add to that list every time they do something that annoys you even a little bit.

And if you can't think of anything bad? Then you really don't know that person very well, because we all have faults. After 12 years of marriage, I can tell you that True Love--as opposed to attraction, lust, or infatuation--is about accepting the entirety of someone, both the good and the bad, and choosing to be with them even when they are being annoying, or self-destructive, or selfish, or petulant.


You make such a good point...
I used to try so hard to really, truly love this person even when he was being insulting, incessant, annoying, contrary, and rude that it really dawned on me recently--
"Where is MY love?"
If he was trying nearly as hard as I was trying then he wouldn't yell at me about stupid petty crap.
And I'm glad I did. :)
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Posted 4/30/15
At the end of the day ,if its worth it to you, then you shouldnt give up.

You never know, today might be the day they love you back...
Posted 4/30/15

Scooty-Bby wrote:

At the end of the day ,if its worth it to you, then you shouldnt give up.

You never know, today might be the day they love you back...


Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder....?
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29 / M / Indianapolis, Ind...
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Posted 4/30/15
Man you're telling me. But at least if the other side tells you they're not interested you can stop worrying about it.
Posted 4/30/15

Scooty-Bby wrote:

At the end of the day ,if its worth it to you, then you shouldnt give up.

You never know, today might be the day they love you back...


I'd like to believe that.
And for several years, I did.
But I can't keep deluding myself
and shame on them for stringing me along.

If it'll ever happen, it'll come to me.
I need to have a healthier mind to make any sort of relationship happen now.
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Posted 4/30/15 , edited 4/30/15
Sometimes you need to draw the line and put your foot down or you could end up hurting yourself (or them) more than necessary. Never had to deal with your situation on the giving end but I've been on the receiving end of it. If the feelings aren't mutual then hopefully they recognize it early on and deal with it accordingly before it ruins anything.
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Posted 5/2/15
Interesting stuff! May I just ask out of curiosity, for those of you that experienced long term unrequited love, were your social circles quite limited during that duration or was it the amount of affection you felt that kept you rooted?
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Posted 5/4/15 , edited 5/4/15
The thing with unrequited love is usually it's never said to the other person just how much you have romantic feelings for them. My advice tell them how you feel and what you want. Good, bad, ugly, you have to tell them and if they say they don't feel the same then that's your answer you finally know. After that if you can truly say 100% I can just be this person's FRIEND cause I still want them in my life more power to you. But if there is that .000001% chance you are hoping they will eventually fall in love with you, RUN don't walk run away cease contact with them. Don't say hi if you pass each other on the street, don't pick up the phone when they call, don't even acknowledge their existence. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache in the end.
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