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Llydon 
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I know a few of you in the group enjoy writing stories. I figured, why not have a place for you to show them off to the group? So anyone who feels like sharing one of their short stories feel free to post it. If you would like any help figuring anything out in them maybe we can help you. I'll try to make sure to monitor so that it stays critical but to a point. For example no prejudice or biased opinions on specific topics. So friendly critiquing. Sounds good? Enjoy!
Posted 6/11/15
So this is an Earthbound (also referred to as Mother 2 in Japan) fanfic. I never do fan fiction but this game leaves a lot of wiggle room. It's of the SNES system so tis a much older game. I plan on continuing it a bit but it's still one of my far shorter pieces of work lol.

Chapter 1
A young woman with long, slightly curled golden hair looked up, shielding the bright summer sun from her sky-blue orbs that were clear as crystal.
She was laying down on a checkered blanket underneath the shade of a tremendous oak, some shafts of light piercing through the leaves and blinding her on occasion. Paula Polestar didn't mind though, turning on her stomach and putting her chin upon her slim hands and looking about.
Here in Twoson, the small town with the white and blue houses and tiny two-way streets where she had grown up, things were still going the same as they had when she had left. The outdoor market where Everdred's blue-shingled abode still stood was spread out and she could hear the buzz of business from people desperately trying to sell their fresh eggs, fuzzy pickles and other odd items that looked more like flotsam and jetsam. Paula's eyes squinted, seeing the dreadlocks-filled head of the sunglasses wearing man who used to be the town villain; that is, until Ness had shown up.
Said hero was laying next to her, serenely asleep beside her and yet the blonde knew that even with that old beat up baseball cap of red, he was not off his guard. Ness had a hard time sleeping now. Ever since defeating Giygas, he traveled between Onette and Twoson almost every day simply to be with her while he stayed at the small hotel downtown. They went to the Theatre often to see the Runaway Five. Gorgeous and Lucky gave them more than backstage passes. They had a permanent front-row seat for that jazz band. The blonde sighed softly and gave Ness a quietly thoughtful and not altogether happy look, seeing his body tense up on the blanket as a nightmare threatened to take hold. She put her hand on top of his clenched one, gently stroking the top of it.
"It's okay." Paula whispered, hoping to smooth things over. It seemed to work as his rapid breathing calmed even though his messy short black hair glistened with sweat from fear.
"Hey, Paula!" Her head snapped up to see a smartly dressed slender young man with glasses that lived on the left side of town.
"Hi, Orange Kid!" She waved, then waved again at the rotund red-wearing face that came from behind the snooty other.The rounder one had a far more kindly look to him. "Hi, Apple Kid!" She greeted, laying back down on the blanket.
Feeling the distinct presence of a powerful spirit around her, she could feel her PSI beginning to bubble as she began to summon the Freeze Omega spell-only to find a very familiar face. Her mouth dropped in shock and tears stung her eyes. Here he was. All the way from Winters Academy! If she knew him at all, he had taken his Skyrunner to get here in half the time.
"Jeff!" She exclaimed with an excited whisper so as not to wake the sleeping Ness, taking in the sight of his crisp green suit and the white dapper lace about his neck with bright golden-buckled glossy black shoes with smart green breeches. "Oh, Jef!" He hadn't changed at all.
Not able to help herself she threw her arms about his neck, holding him close as he laughed softly and patted her back like the gentleman his Father had raised him to be. Dr. Andonuts was odd, to be sure, but a good man; Jeff Andonuts filled those big shoes admirably.
"I missed you, Paula." He whispered, giving her a gentle squeeze and kissing her cheek before puling back and scanning her face with great scrutiny. She felt a bit uncomfortable with his piercing gaze that seemed to analyze her inside and out.
"I took the Skyrunner. He whispered with a soft smile, confirming her thought of his transportation. "I just had that feeling after we talked last night."
Jeff grinned at her, then, admiring her beautiful smile that spoke how grateful she was that he had come. She talked to him, Ness and their other companion Poo all of the time in their heads. Distance was no obstacle when the great psychic wanted to talk to her friends.
Jeff turned his attention back to their mutual friend. Ness's breathing had become deeper, sensing another good presence near him to his sensitive mind; although his Legendary Bat was still near his hand. He never went anywhere without it.
"You know, I think anyone else would have burst like one of my Dad's experiments if they had taken so many 'Sudden Guts pills'. He chuckled softly, looking down at his mutual friend over the black rims of his glasses.
Paula smiled and took Jeff's hand. "He has been having 'those' nightmares again. Being trapped in Magicant." She whispered in worry. Even the name seemed to have an adverse effect upon Ness who took a sudden intake of breath and tossed his head, the baseball cap falling gently off of his face.
It still had its boyish charm but much of its innocence was gone. Now, it had been replaced with strength; with knowledge of the vile things that were outside of his precious town of Onette. "He has also been having visions of me trapped in Happy Happy Village too," She shuddered, "And of Mr. Capainter."
Jeff's eyes narrowed darkly, putting his hand around Paula's shoulder to comfort her as she swallowed hard.
"Still see those 'Blue-Blue freaks, hmmm?" He asked, guessing her fear. She nodded. "Giygas is gone, Jeff. He's gone and I know that. Ness knows that. We all do; but his presence has seeped into the earth itself. Jeff, that thing existed for such a long time. I can't believe he's entirely, well, that he's left completely."
The scientist looked up at the clear sky, hearing the children at Polestar Preschool, still run by Paula's parents, playing in the small picket-fenced yard.
"Paula, I know what you mean." He said softly, continuing to stare ahead of him seriously. "So does Poo. Even assuming the duties of King at Dalaam haven't been able to wash away our journeys or the stains of it entirely; and let me tell you, his Father has been trying to match him up with every eligible woman within miles!"
Paula put herb and to her mouth and laughed silently, her shoulders shaking in mirth. Jeff always knew how to cheer her up. King, Ness's white, cognizant dog looked up with a twinkle in his eyes, seeing her own amusement as he laid his head back down on Ness's hand, tail wagging just a little.
Jeff looked up through the leaves, the summer breeze ruffling his short blonde hair. "I'm calling Poo to come, Paula." he said softly. Paula gave him a look of relief, putting her head upon his shoulder as he put his arm around her to make her more comfortable, kissing the top of her head.
If anyone could put their hero to rights...Poo could do it. The Master of the Starstorm had to be able to help!!

Chapter 2

King Poo of the small land named Dalaam sat upon his cold throne of jewel encrusted gold. Even the walls and roof and floor were made of nothing but the purest gold, giving the entire palace a glowing luminescence in the noonday sun.
Today was no different and the wide leaf fans gently batted to and fro by the servants to cool him did little to alleviate the broiling heat.
Dalaam was at peace; its rolling hills and many small tunnels were no longer infested with Giygas' influence. The monkeys had been cleansed and once again all was right; except it wasn't.
Pale forehead wrinkling slightly in thought, King Poo got up, his richly embroidered white robes making a soft swishing noise. Stepping down from the dias he waved his hand silently in a gesture of dismissal and walked out. A courtier followed on his heels but Poo gave him a gentle glare. He did not want anyone with him right now. The courtier, a somewhat elderly and very faithful man gave a grunt of acknowledgment along with a silent sigh of disapproval as Poo barely managed not to smile.
Good servants were hard to come by, even in his Kingdom of quietude and peace.
Poo took off his royal robes, wearing only his outer garment of plain white with a golden necklace of a massive elephant about his neck. He walked the gently winding dirt path, not worried about his sandaled feet; then he scaled the rope up to the top of the Meditation Circle.
At first there was nothing but sweet silence. The whispering of the chill wind in his ears that told of long lost secrets and hidden things.
Then came her gentle voice.
Poo
Poo's dark brown eyes snapped open with a gasp. Her image came to his mind as clear as day; except now instead of steady and quiet, her deep blue eyes were filled with grief, worry, begging him for help. The King already knew it could only be one thing.
I'm coming, Paula He sent back. He saw her smile in his mind's eyes with a bow of her head in thanks and fade away in an evanescent mist.
Poo stood up. He had been planning on packing for the journey after what Jeff had told him but it seemed that he would only be bringing his personage if things were that dire.
He lifted his hands with a deep intake of breath, palms outward, summoning his magic. He slid down the pole and braced himself. "Teleport Omega!" He cried out in command, beginning to run in a circle and getting faster and faster until the sudden lurch in his stomach told him that he was about to be whisked away.
Clouds, sea, grass, sky, everything was a blur to him until the images slowed down to reveal Twoson coming close within his vision. He ended up on the freeway and nearly didn't miss a gigantic bus coming back from Threed that almost splattered him.
"That wouldn't have been nice. I doubt even Healing Gama would have taken care of that." He muttered to himself, taking a hair tie out and putting his now long black hair in a low ponytail before beginning his short trek through the forest path toTwoson.

Poo had visited once in a while although he talked to Paula almost daily; but he missed this little town. He hadn't seen it in many a year; being King was heavy business even without war and an intergalactic alien entity throwing Starmen at you.
The King was glad he had left his royal clothes at home now. He was still catching stares for the long white tunic where here they wore jeans, sneakers and t-shirts. Children came up to him, wide-eyed and unafraid. He asked them about Paula.
"She's still at the Polestar Preschool." They told him. Nodding his thanks and patting their heads, he made for the little children's education center straightaway.
The blue roof, white boards and somewhat dulled white picket fence brought back pleasant memories of when he had first been here after Giygas' defeat. Paula's mother and father had been so proud of their daughter and very eager to meet her 'heroes'.
Now the mother's hair had small streaks of grey in the mess of blonde but she smiled no less warmly and invited him in. Poo breathed the scent of the homey atmosphere, free of tenseness and smelling slightly of warm carrot muffins, chocolate cake and waffles.
"Poo!"
The King of Dalaam turned around and tilted his head to look up at the staircase. There stood Paula, grown up and beautiful, surprise and delight stamped upon her delicate pretty face as well as a glittering smile.
"My friend." He said in the thick accent of his Kingdom and bowed in deep respect. Warrior reflexes acted quickly when she squealed and jumped off of the step, propelling toward the King and hugging him tight!
"I"m so glad you came!" She exclaimed, holding him tighter and squeezing him gently before kissing his cheek. "I've missed you so!"
Poo smiled, wrapping his arms around her and putting a hand on her hair; that was Paula. The girl who could love anyone and who generally loved everyone.
Jeff, Ness and himself...they were 'her boys'. Her 'wonderful, marvelous, heroes'; that too had never changed.
He put her on the ground now as she was easily a head and a half shorter than he and he patted her arm gently. "Come on. Let's see that trouble-making brother of mine."
Paula giggled and put her hand in his, leading him to the room where Ness was staying for the moment as he had needed to lie down before going back to Onette.
Poo braced himself as the door came into sight.
It was time to help his friend. Again.

Chapter 3

Ness slowly opened his eyes, seeing himself in a light blue room. At first he tensed strongly but his brain quickly registered that it was not the violet-blue of the Happy Happy Village but the sky blue of the pretty little Polestar Preschool; that meant that....
"Paula."
Something warm grasped his hand and his eyes suddenly focused to something other than the ceiling; to his right sat Paula, sitting in on a short stool and her head resting upon the side of the bed as she held his hand. She gave his hand a little squeeze, mostly asleep as she muttered, "Five more minutes..." Ness couldn't help but grin. He was only nineteen now; but at thirteen he had already known that this was the girl he would spend the rest of his life with. There seemed to be very little debate on her side of the matter as well. They never spoke the word marriage; it was best to be a reserved and sacred unspoken word that settled between their two heart nicely.
Pulling his free hand over he gently began to pet her mass of blonde curls tenderly with a smile, noticing his hair and shirt were sticking to him badly.
He had been sweating heavily again; the nightmares were eating at him.
"You look pale; well, paler than usual, Ness-Dos*" Ness quickly turned his head to the authoritative voice and his eyes grew as large as saucers.
Poo sat at the foot of the bed with a small smile on his face, holding a finger to his lips for silence and indicating Paula. Ness nodded, continuing to pet her hair and let her sleep.
"I'm surprised you came." He whispered with a smile, switching to mental speech. It's been so long; I've been meaning to visit Dalaam but....a lot's been happening." He ended lamely, not able to look Poo in the eyes. The King shook his head with a quiet sigh, serene as ever but disappointment showing in his eyes.
Ness-Dos, you must reconcile yourself to the fact that we are all still the Heroes of our time; until the mantle has passed, we are at the will of the Universe."
Ness's eyes flashed in bitterness and he ground out, "What if I don't want to be at the universe's 'disposal'? I've done enough!
Poo couldn't help but feel sorry at the young man before him. Ness was tired. He had faced things at a young age that no one else would have been able to walk away from sanely; they all had. Out of all four of them, however, Ness and Paula had suffered most.
"I know you love her and you will be a good husband; but Paula-Met* is not helpless and she is stronger than even the three of us men put together." He encouraged him softly. Ness bit his lip hard as Poo continued in the telepathic conversation. "Ness; you cannot forget your trials. Moving on comes from acceptance. It was horrible. For you, most of all." He admitted with a frown. It had been Ness's face that the leader had seen reflected in that awful machine. Ness had looked into the maw of hell itself and seen his own eyes staring back at him.
Who in the name of the gods of Dalaam could live with that thought in his head?
Ness sucked in a deep intake of breath and slowly let it out, nodding and opening his eyes as he had closed them for a minute. Jeff had been on a stool right behind Paula and he smiled at his inventor friend.
"Hey, bro."
Jeff nodded with a quiet smile on his face, ever the silent, tinkering type. "Ness." He greeted in a whisper, not able to connect mentally to their team leader as Paula and Poo could. Jeff was only good with his hands and had no mental powers to speak of besides his far superior intelligence in the sciences.
"Ness, I want to take you to Dalaam with me for a few days." Poo said without so much as a prelude to the shocking revelation.
Ness opened his mouth to protest but Poo held up his hand, his lips in a thin line of severity. "No. It has been decided. I will go to your mother and tell her. Tis a short distance to walk and your mother knows me. I will tell her. You need to face this with our help. Jeff will look after Paula."
Ness leaned down and kissed Paula's soft head as she whimpered, feeling the tenseness in the room; with a disparaging sigh of wilted acceptance he nodded.
For Paula? For Paula he would do anything.

*made up word of 'Dalaam' for brother.
*made up word of 'Dalaam' for sister
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Llydon 
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Posted 6/12/15
I'm personally not much of a writer but I do have a few stories.

A night a few years back it happened. It was a dark night that night. The clouds had covered the skies and it was the dead of winter. Three friends had decided they would go to their usual spot at the lake outside of town. The three of them, Patrick, Allan, and John, often travelled to the lake back then. It was about 20 miles from the town they lived in and only the locals knew how to get there.
The night started of rather normal. John had picked up Allan from his job, he worked at Wal-Mart. The two of them went over to Patrick's to hang out and drink a beer. They talked about life and how they would get out of their small town and travel the world.
After they had drank a few beers they decided it would be good to go out to the lake. So the three of them got into John's little 1996 burgundy Toyota Corola and set off. On their way they blared the radio and sung along with every song they know. These three friends couldn't have had a care in the world at that moment.
Soon they arrived at the destination. The lake up into the hills past their town, down off a dirt road most wouldn't even notice. They pulled to where the water would have been, but it had receded for winter.
John turned the car off, grabbed his flashlight, and the three of them got out of the vehicle. As the were about to look over the edge of where the lake dipped down they noticed track on the freshly fallen snow. They looked at each other baffled as to what could have made them. For the tracks looked as if they were that of a rooster but far larger and missing the back talons.
Stumped and too drunk to care they decided it must have been some sort of bird. So they walked to the edge and shined the flashlight down into the bottom of the lake the looked around and noticed some large boulders at the bottom.
Patrick turned to Allan and asked, "So what is it like working at Wal-Mart?" But before Allan had a chance to respond John let out a yelp, and screamed, "HOLY SHIT!" Confused the other two in unison stated, "What are you screaming about?"
John, now shaking, yelled, "Those boulders are gone!" The two peered down on to the lake bed and sure enough they were no longer there. The three of them now in stricken with fear sprinted to the car with all their might. As they reached the car and began to start it up they heard a screech so heart wrenchingly shrewd they all winced in pain.
The car now fired up they turned around and began to traverse the dirt trail back to the main road. John yelled, "I can see it we're almost back to the road!" Suddenly a Allan ushered out a scream, for an unknown creature was charging at the side of the vehicle at an incredible speed. Then in matter of seconds the car had been hit.
Due to the uneven dirt trail they were on the car had rolled several times. The crash had caused the three of them to black out. When they awoke they heard ambulances and people shouting. Paramedics were saying it was a miracle that everyone had survived.
They police asked what had happened so the three told their story. All had the same story. However not a soul believed them because they had all been drinking that night and were passed of as delusions. The boys had started to doubt if what they thought had happened really did. Maybe they did just imagine it all.
It wasn't until a few days later the local newspaper had printed a small article about a mysterious animal track that had been found leading to where the car had rolled. The three friends then knew those were not delusions but had actually happened. They now wanted to prove they were not just drunkenly imagining things. However no matter how hard they tried they could never find the creature again. To this day they look for it trying to show they were right. Maybe one day they might, if the creature doesn't find them first that is.
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Posted 6/12/15
Ooh this is a fun topic might have to add a story someday
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The 2D World
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Posted 6/19/15
Ooh! I have one!
Once there was an ugly barnacle and he was sooo ugly that everyone died. The End.

Did i do it right?
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Posted 6/19/15

jaykirbydudee wrote:

Ooh! I have one!
Once there was an ugly barnacle and he was sooo ugly that everyone died. The End.

Did i do it right?


Yep, I think you did it right, more or less.
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Posted 6/21/15 , edited 6/21/15
The shadows of meadow flowers danced in the moonlight, flowing with the wind. Leaves rustled, trees shuddered. A nearby pond reflected the moon, bright and full. Despite the time, there was no problem seeing the surrounding scenery.

Everything seemed peaceful, calm. Modest forest creatures rested in the flowerbeds of the meadow, and nested birds slept beneath oak tree leaves. The trees and landscape reflected the beginnings of autumn.

A silver-haired figure stood, mirrored in the motionless waters of the moonlit pond. Her hair waved in the breeze, revealing glimmering sea-blue eyes and a slim, ethereal face. She seemed to be somewhere else entirely, as her eyes wandered on the outline of mountains in the distance.

Someone else was there too; he stood against a tree with his eyes watching the ground. His eyes moved as the grass rolled in the wind. The sleek black hair that rested atop his head waved with the movement of the grass, shimmering silvery-white light from the moon.

The black-haired fellow wore a rough, black cloak, and the blue-eyed girl had donned a smooth, grey one.

It had been, despite the sound of the breeze, fairly silent for a while now. "It really is beautiful, this place." the girl marveled.

Quiet again. The fellow said nothing, but looked up at the girl with storm-grey eyes, The beginnings of a smile appeared on the corners of his face, and he looked at the silvery pond.

"I come here sometimes," he commented, "To think."

To be continued. (maybe)
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Llydon 
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Posted 6/21/15
Oh wow draco, I loved the way everything was described. Easy to imagine. Yet so vivid. I would like more.
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Posted 6/22/15
Thanks Llydon. I appreciate the feedback. I'll continue the story when I can.
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Posted 6/23/15 , edited 6/23/15

DraconemOfSevens wrote:

The shadows of meadow flowers danced in the moonlight, flowing with the wind. Leaves rustled, trees shuddered. A nearby pond reflected the moon, bright and full. Despite the time, there was no problem seeing the surrounding scenery.

Everything seemed peaceful, calm. Modest forest creatures rested in the flowerbeds of the meadow, and nested birds slept beneath oak tree leaves. The trees and landscape reflected the beginnings of autumn.

A silver-haired figure stood, mirrored in the motionless waters of the moonlit pond. Her hair waved in the breeze, revealing glimmering sea-blue eyes and a slim, ethereal face. She seemed to be somewhere else entirely, as her eyes wandered on the outline of mountains in the distance.

Someone else was there too; he stood against a tree with his eyes watching the ground. His eyes moved as the grass rolled in the wind. The sleek black hair that rested atop his head waved with the movement of the grass, shimmering silvery-white light from the moon.

The black-haired fellow wore a rough, black cloak, and the blue-eyed girl had donned a smooth, grey one.

It had been, despite the sound of the breeze, fairly silent for a while now. "It really is beautiful, this place." the girl marveled.

Quiet again. The fellow said nothing, but looked up at the girl with storm-grey eyes. The beginnings of a smile appeared on the corners of his face, and he looked at the silvery pond.

"I used to come here," he commented. "When I was a kid. To think."


A soft breeze swirled over the calm waters of the pond, provoking small waves. Stepping away from the tree, the man walked over to the pond, standing next to the girl in silence.

"It's getting late, you know. We should head back to camp." he noted.

"We're leaving from here tomorrow, right?" she asked. "Why not stay a little longer?"

Falling leaves blew in the wind. An orange oak leaf settled on the waters of the pond.

"Well, if you say so, Yuki. We're going to be on horseback tomorrow, anyway." he predicted.

An elk stood on the far side of the pond, antlers reflecting silver light; it seemed a proud creature, standing tall and silent. The elk's eyes focused on Yuki's glimmering figure, still with hair rolling in the wind.

"You can go to sleep if you're tired,." she exclaimed, laughing quietly. They spoke in gentle voices.

"I think I'll stay awake," he grinned, "You know what? I'll watch the sunrise with you, if I don't fall asleep before then."

He sat next to the pond, and dropped his head onto the soft grass, looking up at the bright night sky. Yuki looked back at him with a slight smile, and dropped onto the grass, relaxing and staring into the sky. A cloud moved to cover the moon, and the landscape darkened. They lay like this for a while, occasionally pointing out constellations and whispering to one another.

At one point in the night, when a warm breeze flew through the forest air, the two fell into their dreams, content laying on the comfortable forest grass.

The wind flew through the clouds overhead, forming shadows in the night sky. Darkness.

"Wake up. Kaito, wake up." someone directed, shaking me.

I opened my eyes. The sun poked over the horizon, casting orange light onto the trees and pond. The scent of morning dew reached my nose, and, feeling drowsy, I raised my arms over my head to stretch. Yuki stood above me, casting a shadow on my eyes, and in an attempt to shake fatigue, I jumped up.

Without a word, we trudged into the forest, towards our camp. Leaves crunched under our feet as we walked. An orange fox emerged from a rotting log somewhere off to our left, and the chirping of birds echoed among the trees. It seemed as if the forest was awakening.

After a while, we approached the hill adjacent to our camp. The smell of smoke pervaded my nostrils, probably from the fire we constructed.

I knew something was off, though. The camp and hill rested in uncanny silence.

Yuki grabbed my shoulder, motioning me to be quiet. I nodded, looking back at the crest of the hill with sweat dripping down my neck. Together, in silence, we peered over the hilltop.

Smoke still crackled from the fire. From here, I could see blood splattered on the entrances of several tents, and mutilated corpses piled in amass near the fire. A chill settled itself in my bones, working its way from my hands to my spine. In the heat of the still-rising sun, that vile chill induced an unsettling feeling. Yuki stepped from behind me, and I could see her eyes as she glimpsed the scene for the first time. I could see that same malevolent chill grasp her.

"We need to leave." I commanded, gripping her shoulder.

She examined the camp, peering at the pile of bodies at its center and then at the blood-stained ground. "But what if--" she interjected.

"They're all dead. We need to go. Now."

To be continued...



I made some edits to clean up the word choice, grammar, flow, and story.
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So I've been working on this an idea I've had for comic for about like a month or so, this is sort of a prologue to it.

“Hey Hector!” The silent youth suddenly jolted awake, staring at his younger brother who so rudely alerted him.
“What do YOU want?” His emphasized speech clearly illustrated his displeasure which prompted the younger brother Paris to be as annoying as possible.
The boy Paris says, “Andrea or Helen? Who would you rather-“
“Paris, you’re one sick puppy. Last time I checked Helen was our sister or something.”
“Adopted!” retorted Paris. “Also last time I checked you still haven’t made Andrea you’re girlfriend. Make a move while you can loser…it’s not like you’ll meet new girls any time soon. Or ever.” With his last statement the lean brown-eyed youth starred off into the distance at the vast desert known to them Tartarus.
The older brother Hector is a somewhat lean youth as well; but he is taller, more muscular, only problem is he also believes he is quite silver-tongued.
“Don’t judge me because your girl is taken, excuse me married. I forgot she and the spacey idiot are always smiling at each other like a pair of newlyweds.”
“I forgot you had a pair…” whispered Paris as he jumped just out of earshot from their small watchtower to burning sands below. Realizing that his brother had not issued a comeback he turned towards him in expectation, but he wasn’t listening. He only focused intently on the golden dunes that covered the landscape.
If there was one thing the 18 year old Hector knew it was that no one could survive the scorching badlands much less find other living humans. “Hey Paris”
“Oh so now you want to talk,” chuckled Paris. “Thinking about Him?”
“Of course. How often can you find people, living people, in the desert? I can see why Helen treats him so special…she’s the one who named him right? Why choose Beta? What significance does number 2 have? It doesn’t make any sense to me.”
Paris turned toward Hector eyes glowing with fascination at the odd topic of his adopted sister’s supposed love interest. “Ahhh see now that’s your problem Hector you need a little imagination. It’s not the number 2, it’s the second-“
“No-no-no-no-no! I’m done with this! No longer discussing the spacey idiot and his possible origin stories.”
“ Hahahaha You mean his amnesia?”
In response to that question Hector immediately squinted at his brother in irritation mumbling under his breath a barrage of complaints, “if I got to hang out in the town square with all the girls in Troy colony all day I’d say I have amnesia too.”
“Jealous much? It’s not really anything to stress over. Chances are we’ll be dead before we get to 20. Who knows the machines may kill us.” The last statement left an absurdly quiet chill in the air. As if the abysmal desert itself shivered at the very mention.
Hector breaks the silence in over-dramatic monologue, “ And so Man grew proud. Therefore the Gods came down and delivered their judgement. Since Man can remember we have wandered Tartarus, forever in fear of the metal monsters that roam these deserts...Eidolons and Enforcers, Drakons and Titan-born; they have all reduced man to nothing more than a wanderer in search of something he never knew he lost…Paris you really believe that kinda stuff ?”
“If you are asking if I take cults the Fraction seriously then no. As for what I believe in is there anything to believe in other than sand?”
The question struck home for young Hector whose life had been spent traversing the seemingly endless desert with the nomadic community they called Troy Colony. With even vegetation and water a scarce necessity the only reality these boys knew was the sand. To Hector the desert Tartarus was like an oceanic god, a Proteus of sorts that turns all it touches into a scorched offering unto itself. As if in prayer Hector closed his eyes and quietly wished each day may be as uneventful as this.
When he opened his eyes what he saw shook him to his very core. His skin turned pale, mouth gasping for air but unable to speak or even breathe. Despair.
“Hector!!” Paris yells in shock, “Answer me!” BOOM!! With all the force of a brick wall a shockwave blows the makeshift junk watchtower to smithereens which flattens the boys against the ground and rubble in the process. Several pings of successive gunfire followed, ending in yet another loud shockwave catapulting them over the sand dunes to land among shrapnel. Coughing up blood Paris desperately pulled a jagged piece of metal from his leg yet failed to stand. As he lay there hysterical with his vision fading fast he turned in the direction of a sound he hoped was Hector. Within the dust and smoke he saw two shining red lights and the faint outline of a bull shaped metal face just 20 yards away and he knew that they were going to die.
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Llydon 
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22 / M / Washington
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Posted 7/2/15
Draco, you're really good at writing. Your story seems to flow really smooth. Although there are minor things that I would suggest. The first half of it was third person then switched to first person. Aside that it's pretty solid so far.
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Posted 7/16/15
Thanks, I enjoy writing, I just wish I had more chances to use it.

Yeah, the first and third person wasn't a mistake. I wanted to see if I could pull that off, but it doesn't seem to work too well. I'm better at third person anyway. I probably won't do that sort of thing again.

If there are any other suggestions, even minor, they are greatly appreciated so please do tell them to me. I might try to rewrite the third person part in first person and continue when I have time, but as of now I am busy.

Oh, and sorry for the late reply. I've been kind of inactive as of late due to circumstances.
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