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Signs of abuse in a relationship
Posted 6/15/15 , edited 6/15/15
I have a particular question about when signs of abuse may come up early in a relationship.
For example, shoving a person more than once.
Some people think it isn't a big deal whereas others think it is an early sign of physical abuse and to get out as quick as you possibly can.



Thoughts? Or maybe you could share a story about being in a mentally/physically abusive relationship what early signs you experienced or how you came to the conclusion you were being treated poorly.

Just literal examples will do. You can stay anonymous.
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Posted 6/15/15
I've never experienced an abusive relationship but I think it all comes down to the way they push each other. I know couples who shove each other around all the time while laughing and joking. They aren't being abusive cause they aren't serious. As soon as someone shoves seriously or as a threat then it might become a problem.
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Posted 6/15/15
Now do you mean Romantic or friendly relationships?
I can tell you a lot about both but I just wanna be clear
Posted 6/15/15
Two things I can think of.
Double talk. This can include twisting a situation where it's YOUR fault.
When they say harsh things like "I don't love you" and then later say "I said that but you need to change so that I CAN love you."
That's manipulation. Also bullshit.

As well as physical. Even abuse towards someone else's things is a sign. Also, excessive abuse towards animals- even when they do something wrong. You have to be fair.
Posted 6/15/15 , edited 6/15/15

DaPandaMan wrote:

Now do you mean Romantic or friendly relationships?
I can tell you a lot about both but I just wanna be clear


Romantically, shoving because you're upset.
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Posted 6/15/15 , edited 6/15/15
If you are in a early relationship where the other person has shoved you more than once, get out as fast as possible. Any form of violence whatsoever is wrong and the reciving end should get out of there fast. People who absue tends say a lot of negative things like they dont like you, only the change their minds later. They can also be very jealous and dont like it when their partner talks to other guys,

People who stay in abusive relationships tends to develop stockholm-syndrome like feelings where they feel, that they are too blame for it. They feel shame and guilt. Its very common to develop feelings that you are worthless and change lifestyle like avoiding friends or even your own familiy.
Posted 6/15/15 , edited 6/15/15
I've experienced one before, & knew people who have as well.
However I am not comfortable with sharing mine, or their stories on it.

You should focus on signs of emotional abuse more so than physical. Physical abuse is pretty obvious. The indications of emotional abuse can be easy to miss imo.
What some people use for emotional abuse are:
- Guilt
- Humiliation
- High expectations
- Pressure
- Possesive behavior
- Blame
- Constantly needing to know where you are & what you are doing (Stalking basically)
- Telling you to stop talking to certain people
- Monitoring your texts, emails, messages etc anything electronic usually

Physical abuse should be obvious. But what people seem to often miss about early indication is roughness during sex. (Ex, doing stuff you never said you were ok with like hair pulling, biting etc etc.) If you never said you were ok with that stuff, and they keep doing it or they end up saying something like "Its no big deal, you're overracting." This is assuming if you do ever engage in sexual activity with that person.
I think a very early indication is possibly who you are with.
If they are a grown adult already out of school & you're still a teenager, that's a big red flag.
It doesn't matter if you're 18 either. If you're 18 and they're like in their mid-20s, not OK.

A shove, raising their voice, stuff like that, can definitely be considered one of the earliest signs.
Posted 6/15/15



What sort of expectations?

How do you know for sure if someone is guilt tripping you?

What sort of pressure?

I'm not asking for just personal experiences. I can do with honest examples. Meaning it may or may not be what you experienced. Completely anonymous information based upon experiences from people you may know or a fact you learned. I'd just like to hear them.


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Posted 6/15/15 , edited 6/15/15
I've seen others in abusive relationships so when I started dating a guy who turned out having nothing good to say about anybody (high expectations), I became wary. He bought me roses. He complained that I didn't have a car (high expectations), I didn't notice him driving anything. After the second date he wanted to know exactly where I was going afterwards he offered to escort me there and did (stalking behaviour). He had other complaints even as he complimented my figure (humiliation). I had to have a plumber visit my home due to leak issues. When I mentioned it to him he complained that it'd taken too long to be fixed and why hadn't my shower been upgraded already (high expectations, pressure). He mentioned marking me as his (possessiveness). I mentioned that my work hours finish in the early afternoon because I start at 5am. He mentioned that having free time after that is laziness (blame/guilty). If I was working every single day from 5am to midnight I'd have no time to socialise. He wasn't listening when I was telling him it's not working so in the end I had to tell him by phone that I'm not seeing him again. He started yelling that its not over because he didn't say it was. He also proposed marriage. Of course I turned him down. I'd known him for less than 3 months. His type will quickly turn violent. I'd seen enough from others to go down that route.

I pity the next person who stays with him and put up with that and things getting worse.
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Posted 6/15/15 , edited 6/15/15
I was in a semi-abusive relationship for 3 years. During that time, my self-confidence was pretty much nonexistent, so I put up with scummy behavior from a scummy guy. There was nothing redeeming about this person - well, he had some good qualities but not enough to overshadow or excuse the emotional turmoil I experienced while dating him.

He took advantage of my submissiveness, and wanted to keep me insecure because if I wasn't, I'd surely leave him. Why? I came from a better family, life, etc. I had so much more potential than him so he wanted to make sure I'd never see to it. He was constantly grabbing my phone out of my hands to see which guys I was texting, believing that I was cheating on him. If a guy so much as said I was attractive, he'd freak out. He was so hypocritical regarding pretty much everything. Whatever he did wrongfully was permissible; anything I did, no matter how small, was scrutinized and condemned.

I lost so many friends because of him, and he really controlled my social circle. When girls bullied me, it annoyed him because he knew that meant I'd find comfort hanging out with guys. Yet, he wouldn't really stick up for me...

There wasn't an explosive moment where I "just knew." It was a culmination of all the sh*t I endured that I finally realized how terrible he was for me. It took being in a stable, loving relationship to see comparatively how monstrous he was. I mean this guy was jealous of my relationship with my little brother. My family was a threat to him, so he tried his best to persuade me to disengage from the family unit.

He cheated on me, lied to me, slandered me, etc. I was an extension of his ego. Nothing more. Feeling worthless while being with him was clue enough.
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Posted 6/15/15
She/he got my passwords... and my phone...
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Posted 6/15/15
One rather blatant warning sign I've seen fairly early on is ditching someone with no way home after any kind of small upset. I suppose it's some attempt at making them feel helpless / reliant upon them.

Nothing like getting a desperate, unexpected call for a ride in the middle of the night to tell you that someone needs to find a new (wo)man.
Posted 6/15/15
Making you feel guilty
Making a big deal out of something small quite frequently
Shows signs of lashing out
Signs of disregard towards how you feel
Trying to change and control you
May apologise but doesn't change

It may be hard to leave if you've been with the person a while, but you have to.

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52 / M / Bay Area
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Posted 6/15/15
Not easy to figure out when you are in the relationship but seek out professional help any way you can. They have support groups or individual professionals that can be your sounding board to listen to your issues. It helps to hear other people say get the fuck out of that abusive relationship and then they tell what happen to them because you are not alone it doesn't have to be physical abuse only verbal can be even worse btw.
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29 / M / Oklahoma
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Posted 6/15/15
Well, I don't know much about PHYSICAL abuse, I can tell you about emotional abuse though.
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