Heart to heart?
Posted 7/10/15
Hey everybody, so I thought that this would be a good place to share a story of mine; to talk things out and get some advice on what I can improve on. So a few years back I transferred to a new college within my hometown. Complications arose which forced me to move back home. To make the best of my situation, I decided to join the anime club at this particular college. It was great, the people were friendly, and I even found someone that I was interested in. I felt happy, confident, and really thought that things were going right for me. This person in particular that I was interested in, let's just call her Asuka for the sake of this story. Asuka and I got along well, and she was everything that I wanted in a girlfriend: Smart, kind-hearted, a bit on the shy side, liked anime/manga, was into martial arts(not just a fan, she practiced it), and so on. She wore glasses and was a bit on the short side, so those were pluses too. Regardless, we often texted each other, spoke to each other at school, and spent quite a bit of time together. We would talk of various cosplay ideas, conventions to go to together, things like that.

Eventually, I gathered up the courage to say how I truly felt about her. Given all of the interactions we would have, topics we would get into, it seemed as though she felt the same way. Now, at this point she was going through a lot and stated how she just needed a friend. She made it clear that she wasn't saying no to my confession despite this. So some time passed, she was able to overcome the tough times from before, and her birthday was coming up; I wanted to do something special. Even if it wasn't much, she liked the works of Mamoru Hosoda, so I thought to bring in Wolf Children and Summer Wars since she hadn't watched them yet and take her out to a restaurant later. Well the sad truth is that didn't come to pass as she had already gone out to lunch/dinner with someone else. To say the least, it hurt a lot. I come to find out that she had feelings for this person and wanted to be together with him. Despite everything, I put my feelings to the side, tried to help her, and tried to just move on. Things clearly weren't the same anymore, and I tried to be a good friend regardless. Now, I made it clear how some sort of answer would have at least been nice, instead of leaving things rather ambiguous and awkward. I didn't just ignore that fact. Time skip to about a good week or so ago, and while Asuka isn't with the guy from before(they really didn't connect so they didn't even become boyfriend/girlfriend) she is with someone now. After speaking with her, I found out that she actually did like me at one point, but didn't say anything. She mentioned how she didn't see my feelings soon enough and feels bad about it, but at this point there's nothing that can be done.

Despite how this ordeal hurt me so, and the countless other times in which I have been unsuccessful in finding someone special to be with, I don't want to give up entirely. Given that I'm 23, never had a girlfriend, has tried various clubs and groups, tried online dating, has stopped looking for love, and has even actively tried; What should I do? I've looked at myself honestly and thought of various things that I can improve on to boost my confidence, skills, and overall abilities, but I just feel like I'm terribly unlucky.
mnmike 
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Posted 7/10/15 , edited 7/10/15
That sucks; sorry to hear that you've had bad luck.

So, in my mind, there are three aspects to love:

1) Attraction. Could be physical, emotional, psychological. Sometimes this can be initially very powerful, and other times attraction can develop slowly over time.

2) Enjoyment. Do you like being around each other? This is where it's important to have similar interests (or at least something to talk about). For me, it's actually a very big deal: I am extremely introverted, and there are very few people that I can be around for long periods of time without feeling that I've just run an emotional marathon.

3) Choice. Extremely important, and extremely underrated. Do you want to be with the other person? Are you willing to prioritize them over other things in your life (and vice versa)?

I mention this, because it sounds like with that girl, you both had #1 and #2... but that she was hesitant to choose you--and it also sounds like you were hesitant to communicate your choice to her after you had made it. (You say that you told her how you felt once, but it also sounds like by the time she came around to considering you that she was wasn't really sure about your feelings.)

So, my advice to you would be this: next time someone comes along that you are willing to choose to love--that you are willing to make a priority in your own life--then make that choice consciously and communicate that choice clearly. And keep communicating it, as often as is necessary.

Finally, you have to be willing to be patient--and communicate to her that you are willing to be patient. In my case, I made my choice and communicated it to my college girlfriend--who at that point had been dating me for about 6 months. And then it took almost 5 years for her to decide to reciprocate. But 13 years later (we were engaged for most of a year), I am happily married to a beautiful, intelligent, and capable woman, who loves me back just as much.
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Posted 7/10/15
*pats shoulder anime style*
I know exactly how you feel, something similar happened to me a while ago and I havnt had any luck since then. All I can say is that you should just put yourself out there as much as possible (without looking desperate) and just see what happens. When you do meet someone who you think you would like, be friendly until you find out whether or not they're looking for someone, or at least single and then just come forward and tell her how you feel. That said I dont know much but one thing I do know is that one of the hardest things about getting in a relationship, is knowing the right moment to ask. if you're too early on asking her out you might make her think you're pushy, or she's not sure because she doesn't know you enough. Though if you wait too long then she might doing one or all of the things the girl you're talking about did. So just listen to what she says and try your best to ask her out. Even if you only think you like her, if it doesnt work out oh well, but better to do and regret, than to regret not doing.

Also you didnt mention if she's still willing to talk to you, just as friends. If so and you're not sure if you want to give her up when just keep talking to her and see what happens, it never hurts. Just make sure you try not to get too emotional, no matter what. Talking from experience.
Posted 7/10/15 , edited 7/10/15
Thanks, people. The particular confession and situation happened around the end of last year and we have since spoken multiple times and while I decided to remain friends, things were/have been a little awkward. At the moment I'm just trying to better myself. I'm currently being patient and hoping things will work out for me perhaps with someone else in the future
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Posted 7/11/15 , edited 7/11/15
Hey man It's not necessarily your fault. Love is a road with bumpy stops, so that means don't stop pursing it! The fact that you are willing to love someone to the very end can and will attract the person who feels the same way. I believe that the energy you reflect is what attracts people to you. To me, you gave off a very friendly and loving vibe. Asuka to me sounded like that too. It was no coincidence that you two clicked, it's like matching pairs! Although you two did not eventually get together due to unforeseen circumstances, human feelings are difficult to explain to someone else. Asuka just didn't know what to do with these feelings. I believe that what stops someone from loving is something that affected them negatively in the past. Even if it's as small as dropping your ice cream as a young child, it becomes a negative experience that you remember when faced with doubt to further you from your wanted goal. I strongly believe that you do not find love, but it finds you!
Good luck and have an AWESOME day!
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Posted 7/11/15 , edited 7/11/15
The number one thing you can do is have confidence in yourself. It's impossible to love anyone if you don't love yourself first. If you have that down, then you're already half way there.

Just enjoy your life and meet people along the way. Eventually you'll bump into the girl meant to be. Focus on yourself first and you'll save yourself a lot of trouble. View women as people you want to know, more than people you want to date.

I rejected my boy originally. He stuck around as my best friend for about 5 years, before I got over my anxiety and depression enough to fall for him. Will it work out? Who knows, we both have our personal issues, but we've been working through our lives every year. We talk every single day. Relationships are never perfect and frankly we argue often, but at the same time, I've never met anyone who was so devoted to making me happy and that alone is what made me fall for him. Even if we don't work out, I feel assured he'll be part of my life in one form or another.

So morale of the story? Love yourself first. You can't be in a relationship if you depend on them to make your life complete. You have to be independent. Your life is complete without them and more love only makes your life richer. Rejection isn't the end of everything. Whether you find someone different or not.
Posted 7/11/15 , edited 7/11/15
It's definitely tough to come out of particular situations such as these. I mean the confession and everything happened last year, ans while we spoke multiple times about it, it wasnt until a talk we had about 2 weeks ago(I brought various subjects up to try to move on) that new information came to light. Despite all the talks and such before, I guess i wasnt really over things until the most recent one. Sometimes the weight of it all crashes down, and many times I've felt as though I wouldn't ever find love or that it would never find me. I'll stay patience and work on loving, imoroving, and bettering myself any way that I can. When it comes to Asuka, like I said we're still friends and stay in contact though she mentioned how the person she's with (let's call him Shinji. I love Evangelion lol) may get engaged(I knew this prior to our most recent conversation.) Despite everything, I just hope that she's happy with him and that I can find someone who will love me just as much as I love them.
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52 / M / Bay Area
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Posted 7/11/15
I am impressed that you confessed if you have never had a girlfriend before that's not easy to put words to your feelings. The main thing is you put yourself out there and maybe when the time comes you will go for it again with someone else time heals most thing so keep living your life and keep striving forward
Posted 7/13/15
I appreciate everyone's responses. You all are great!
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Posted 5/27/16
op nuked. Locked
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