Critique For This Light Novel/ Anime plot wanted~! All kindsof critique welcome.
9506 cr points
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23 / F
Posted 8/17/15 , edited 8/17/15
This willbe a plot for a light novel or an anime a drama with a bit of comedy but it's not meant to be a Key-like anime.Characters will be fleshed out and developed

Iroshi Kurisu died 2 years ago in a fire and now lives in Heaven. One day an angel brings her "good news" that her older sister Mayuri will soon die and join her in Heaven. Kurisu does not want this because she knows her sister has big dreams and would want to keep living. So she escapes heaven but accidentally drags another soul with her while heading out, Sakajima Itsuki.

Sakajima Itsuki died two years ago in a bad car accident. She had a friend named Jun who was bed ridden in a hospital with a dying heart and at one point Itsuki writes a sort of "will" saying if she dies early to give her heart to Jun. The rest of her organs to people who need them. After the accident Itsuki was in a vegetable state. Marau Lia, a friend of both Itsuki and Jun found Itsuki's will and showed it to her parents . Seeing their daughter would probably never wake up the parent reluctantly ask for their daughter to become an organ donor. Itsuki's sister Chihiro now holds deep resentment toward Lia and Jun because of this.

When Kurisu and Itsuki arrive on Earth Kurisu talks Itsuki into helping her save Mayuri from her death but in the midst of doing this Itsuki will see the good and the bad things that have resulted from her own dying wish . .

Questions? Feel absolutely free to ask. Suggestions? Glad to hear those too and they will be considered.

If you think it's cliche, please tell me why.

Thank you so much~!
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29 / M / UK
Posted 8/17/15 , edited 8/18/15
I know you're set on your own story but a couple of people on CR mention that they are doing a virtual novel. do you have any friends that can draw the art, preform music etc? the whole plot sounds like a choice kind of thing where you'd need to choose between the dying girls or letting nature take it's course. It's easier to create a simpler story but a VN will give everyone a unique experience
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27 / M / Canada
Posted 8/26/15 , edited 8/27/15
Alright, I'm gonna be honest here, there isn't enough detail about what you're actually trying to do here. Like I'm seeing some basic character ideas here, but there's no expansion. I'm seeing concepts but no ideas for the plot. Basically if you're coming into a place looking for feedback, you've gotta have more than just your barebones because with that anyone can make any idea sound good. There's no way to look at what could go right and what could go wrong.

To critique and examine what you do have though there's obviously potential. If you're going to be writing about life and death, do remember that you're going to have to be cold, if you're going to have real resentment from characters, you can't resolve it in one arc. Basically I'm saying don't make this in a 'weekly format' especially if you're making it into a light novel. Fully utilize that format and make large arcs and loads of characterization.

If you want a more detailed critique, one that I'm more than willing to offer, I need more details though. Don't just tell me there's going to be character development, tell me what that development is, give me ideas that you're going to explore. If you don't want to spoil then PM me whatever, but you're going going to get anything more in depth than what I'm offering if there's nothing to pick through.
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Posted 1/5/17 , edited 1/5/17
Forum Clean up. Old 2015 threads Locked.
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