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Post Reply Child Custody
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Posted 8/18/15
Courts like to maintain the family relationship and this pro-family culture can result in giving custody to mothers even though they are unfit parents.

My forensic professor told of a case where these two parents were prostituting their twins, son and daughter, to feed their cocaine addiction. The courts ruled to "reunited" them with their children (probably on the same precedent). I don't know what happened afterwards but it probably isn't a happy ending.
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52 / M / Bay Area
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Posted 8/18/15
So fucked up cause the kid or kids gets the court system shaft or short end and you can only hope they make it 18th birthday then most probably life long therapy sessions in the future
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24 / M
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Posted 8/18/15
Yeah, there are a lot of problems with family courts in general that all need to be cleaned up. I think that is pretty much undeniable...
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45 / M / Ottawa
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Posted 8/18/15
We only have your version of the story. Not surprisingly, your version makes it sound like a cut and dried situation. Maybe your version is close to the real one, maybe it's not. I've seen enough of both sides of enough situations to know that there are probably a lot of relevent facts that you may not be privy to.

As nice as it is to neatly divide out life stories into clear heroes and villains, reality is usually far, far messier; something the courts know all too well.

Posted 8/18/15 , edited 8/18/15
I would agree it should go objectively by merits, and yes, someone should be appointed to investigate claims of both parties. In an ideal situation, that should happen.
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20 / F / I don't know T_T
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Posted 8/18/15
This sorta reminds me of an article I read in The Atlantic.
http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2015/07/paternity-registry/396044/
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F / New York
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Posted 8/18/15
i can relate to you actually since i went through it myself with my parents, my mom got the custody easily but in the end i chose my dad bcuz i felt more close to him and etc yea i think the whole gender thing in this type of issue should be solved. I feel like both mom and dad should have an equal right in this issue.
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Posted 8/18/15 , edited 8/19/15
Oh yeah. Laws definitely sway in the female's favor. And that's not just domestically, in the case of separation everywhere it seems the system tends to favor the woman and see the man involved as a deadbeat or an abandonee because OH GOD HE PROBABLY INITIATED THE DIVORCE IN AN UNHAPPY ABUSIVE MARRIAGE. Nah, man, my mother was the lousy parent, my father is the good parent. My mother is unstable, my mother according to her (sane) sisters shouldn't even have had kids. She's a total narcissist twit. To the point of where she had to berate her own kids and ex husband to try and make herself seem perfect, no, she has the complete and utter delusion that she is perfect, and shifts from being one kind of sane to fifty kinds of crazy. My father, however, is lax, but stern enough to a point of where it's not disruptive, abusive, painful, or negatively affecting me. I'm glad i live with him.

I know a lot of people think that the mother is the more 'nurturing ' parent instinctually, as if stereotypes still reign true and as if people still think women are little angels who can't POSSIBLY be guilty, but no, the woman is not always the stable, healthy parent, nor the parent that can provide, usually it's quite the opposite.

my mother just mooched off alimony until my father stopped paying her, and now she drags herself from job to job because she was out of work and lazy for years after the divorce. I have no sympathy for her anymore. she put herself in a hole. I am not going to go back and live with her as an adult so she can try to reclaim custody of me and claim me "unable" to take care of myself, so that when I start working, she can steal my money, which she was planning to do before i moved in with my father.

The only upside to divorce is being able to go to one side when the other becomes fucking unbearable, so long as you can tiptoe around the idiot divorce decrees. which i did. I basically got psychological authorization to not return to living with my mother, in other words, a legit psychiatrist told me that I had my right not to live there anymore, and told her that, and that was that. I will be forced to communicate with the lunatic so long as I'm still in high school which is unfortunate, what's more unfortunate is that i'm 19 and still in high school as well but i'm inching closer and closer to having her out of my hair. my sister doesn't understand what the hell happens with my mother because she is never around to see at this point, but she gets a load of my mother's bullcrap temper often enough to sometimes come fleeing to me for escapism.

So all in all: i'd say based off personal experience that the court in many divorce cases grants the father very little right, versus the mother, because of the myth perpetuated that the mother is the more nurturing parent while the dad is the workaholic, blah blah blah, ergo, according to the court's logic, the father shouldn't be given equal or fair custodial rights. It's sad.

A divorce is one of the most psychologically harmful things a young person, especially a child or a teenager can be put through, and moreover it gets even worse for the child's psyche when one parent turns against the other, and tries to win them over, or both parents turn against each other and start trying to manipulate the child into picking their side and not the other parent's. I had no choice in the matter as I was a minor when my parents divorced, but if I had been old enough to dictate on my own, who I'd live with, it would not have been my mother. I would've moved across the country to freakin' VIRGINIA where my father was working if it meant I didn't have to live with her.

Above all, I am glad i have a decent parent to fall back on.

I met someone in a similar situation last year, except her father had run off, and all her family members were like my mother, mental wrecks. she said she felt like she'd have to move out soon with her trans boy brother on their own because they had no parents to fall back on. I feel terribly for people who're so nice and dealt that kind of crap in life.
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46 / M / Between yesterday...
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Posted 8/19/15

Kavalion wrote:

Yo, my uncle has been battling the courts for a long time to get sole custody of his daughter. His ex-wife is struggling with drug addiction, has no income, and currently leaves their daughter with her grandmother, who is also very poor. Most of my uncle's child support money does not benefit the child.

Like every member of my immediate and extended family, my uncle is highly educated, has a high paying job, and is a very nice guy with no criminal record. We'd like to continue this trend and not let anyone fall through the cracks.

However, laws across most of the USA greatly favor women when it comes to child custody. I'm very biased in this case, so what does everyone else think? Is this an issue that deserves better gender equality?


Based on the information you have given he should have a strong case to get custody no sole custody but primary custody which would mean the child would live with him with visitation for the mother. This would of course require a good lawyer that does this type of suit since it would be a suit to change the current custody order that the court has a agree to. If the court has not agreed to a custody plan then his odds go up not down.

Only rule of getting an attorney the older the better much like gun fighters those that have been doing it the longest are the best. So what you want to find is the oldest practicing divorce and custody attorney in his area this means he will cost money they know their value. After that it is a matter of discovery and seeing how the actually living arrangements are and the court changing it's mind but in this case you have a pretty good shot at it.

That's the best advice I can give you since this tends to vary state to state.

As for gender equality no really if the mother is a person that is unfit the court will see that and judge accordingly.

Best of luck.
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34 / M / Washington
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Posted 8/20/15
I think its just sick that a mother can have custody if shes a crack head, or is a drug addict. All because the courts favor the mother. Even if the farther proofs without a reason of a doubt that he an provide not only SAFER living conditions, but also provide better LIVING conditions.
If fact i thought the the Idea was "Think of the children" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RybNI0KB1bg But I guess not, nope, its better off that the farther pays child support and the kid is living in the ghetto,

seriously judges need to get there heads out of there asses and stop with the biased out look of.. Kid goes to mother no questions asked...

I've heard story's where the kids runs away from home to be with her/his dad all because they are starving and are cold. Cuz mommy can't feed him/her. Or provide power to the home.

And of course to prevent himself from get arrested the farther has no choice but to return the kid back to the hell hole they don't like.

seriously like I said the system is really screwed up.
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29 / M / Bullhead City, AZ
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Posted 8/20/15
Whether you are male or female I don't think it should matter in a custody case, being as how the point first and foremost should be the child/children involved. Custody should go to whichever parent is the least fucked up.

I'll use the OPs situation just as an example, but know that it can go both ways when in regards to males or females.

If the mother is a junkie no-lifer and shows no signs whatsoever of improving, then the child should absolutely go to the father. However it doesn't mean that the mother should never be allowed to see her child, but until she is clean she has no right to take care of the child when she can't even take care of herself. After she gets cleaned up, got a job and has proven to the courts that she is able to stay clean, then the case should, in my opinion, be revisited and have a hearing to determine whether or not the father should keep full custody, or if they should get joint custody of the child. Everything I said here can be applied to the dead-beat dads too though, but I think the courts need to figure out which parent is more capable of taking care of the child in a situation like this and deal out judgement accordingly.

Now when you start to talk about both parents who are clean and have decent jobs and decent living conditions, that's when it starts to become morally gray. In a situation like stated above, where both parents are clean and decent in all regards and they're just trying to get custody of the kid because it's their baby and they both want it, then at that point I feel that the child's opinion should come into consideration on determining where the kid wants to go. Joint-custody in a situation like this would be the most ideal, but we all know at least one person that wants the child just to hurt the other party involved.

My uncle had a situation like that with my cousin when we were growing up. My aunt divorced my uncle when he couldn't make enough money to support her modelling career, and as punishment she divorced him and demanded of the courts full custody of my cousin, only allowing my dad to see him on birthdays and special events. She is a rat in the truest sense of the word. Maybe not so now a days being as how she's past the age where her baby maker works anymore, but back then she demanded of the courts the full amount of child support she could legally receive from him, and milked him dry for 16 years until he turned 18, at which point she had no more use for her son anymore so she kicked him out of the house and practically disowned him for a period. Now I think they're back on good terms but there was a period of like 5 years where she wanted to have nothing to do with him once that money well went dry. When she remarried she continued to do the same thing she did to my uncle with her next ex-husband. She has managed to live almost 23 years just off straight child-support payments from both of her marriages. It's like she views children as just a back-up plan for when she doesn't manage to find a guy who is loaded. Now a days she is married to a rich man so she doesn't do it with their kid, but everyone in my family save for maybe my cousin believes that she'd do it again if that piggy-bank broke.
Posted 9/21/15 , edited 9/21/15
idk about other states but in the one i live in the mother is fav. unless she is proven to be an unfit mother. He can prove shes an unfit mother. court cases takes forever tho. good luck.

best tip is for him to have everything there is to take care of the child. like a room, bed, clothes. it helps a lot of ppl trying to get custody.
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54 / M / Tacoma, WA. wind...
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Posted 9/21/15 , edited 9/21/15
I've seen both sides of this . . . as an observer.

One of my aunts was about as narcissistic as an be; her ex husband would go and buy the food for the family before he had to go on the road for a bout a week to ten days at a time, because my aunt would spend all the money on herself for new clothes.
She got custody of my two cousins . . . The jerk that she was shacking up with would beat her up and he would beat my cousins. She stayed with him because he was well off.
My grandmother on that side of the family would pimp my aunt's innocence (a crock) and run her ex down at every opportunity....

It's almost like you should have to clear a deep background check in order to get married and have kids . . . then another one when you get divorced....
It's pretty sad regardless if it turns out good or bad.

I worked with one guy that wanted custody of his ex-wife's daughter . . . not even his own kid... the fall-out from that was pretty sordid.... I'd never let him anywhere near a girl... and the courts felt the same way.
CREEEPY shit.... I never figured out if it was an ego thing with this guy or if he really was a molester... for certain...
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44 / M / Verginia
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Posted 9/22/15 , edited 9/22/15
Generraly speaking child custody hearings are gennerally misandrist. As sexest as it is... in the united states men are concidered gennerally unfit to raise children and women are concidered supremely fit to raise children. In addition men are concidered nothing more than a life support system for cash flow so men who are non costidal parrents generally will be court ordered to pay 3x as much in child support as a female non custidoal parrent
I personally take issue with all of those above facts but, they are facts as ugly as they are.
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24 / M / Moore, Oklahoma
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Posted 9/22/15
i don't want to be byist but i believe in a custody battle the parent who has a job and is not drugs should get the kid. The parent that has no job and on drugs should not be considered. Unless they have gotten a job and held it and be off the drugs for at least a year and have DHS type people make sure they don't slip up.
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