Post Reply Give Me Your Opinion
10183 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
27 / F / The state of Wash...
Offline
Posted 9/2/15 , edited 9/2/15
For an assignment I had to write a brief synopsis of a story. It is due next Friday.

The purpose of the assignment is write a synopsis that would hook the reader's interest and make him or her want to read the full story.

I wrote three different versions and would like your opinion of which one would be the most interesting.

VERSION (1)
Ciel Funkhauser--- the richest boy in the world; Shippo--- a pit bull dog I found in the trash; and I are in deep trouble!
We were cursed at the circus when Ciel’s jealous twin brother Claude summoned a god called Inugami. to cast Ciel into oblivion. As a result I’m gradually turning into a wolf, and Ciel and Shippo’s spirits have switched bodies. Shippo in Ciel’s boy body is with my sisters and me, making a mess of the house. Ciel in Shippo’s dog body is lost in the inner city dodging street gangs and pimps who want to train him to be a fighting dog.

My sisters and I are trying to get the curse broken. Some mystic Asian shrine maidens did a weird ritual to summon Inugami. Inugami claims he can’t break the curse because Claude has the jade idol that his power is sealed in. Whoever holds the idol controls Inugami, but the seal is weak, which is how Inugami was able to act contrary to Claude’s will. Now we have to find Shippo’s dog body; somehow get the jade idol from Claude; and remove the seal so Inugami will regain his freedom and power to break the curse.

To make matters worse my parents are strict religious white supremacist. That means absolutely no mixing with people who are not white and blonde and indulging in their culture --- which includes going to the circus, where all my troubles began. But it’s people who are not white and blonde I have to rely on for help. We have to get things back to normal before my parents return from their trip, but something always comes up to make the situation worse.


VERSION (2)
My name is Abigail Sharpe. Ciel Funkhauser--- the richest boy in the world; Shippo--- a pit bull dog I found in the trash; and I are in deep trouble! We were cursed when Ciel’s jealous twin brother Claude summoned Inugami, an ancient Japanese god. As a result I’m gradually turning into a wolf, and Ciel and Shippo’s spirits have switched bodies. Now Shippo in Ciel’s boy body is with my sisters and me, making a mess of the house. Ciel in Shippo’s dog body is lost in the inner city dodging street gangs and pimps who want to train him to be a fighting dog. My sisters and I are trying to get the curse broken. We have to find Shippo’s dog body and somehow get the jade idol from Claude to break the curse. We have to get things back to normal before my parents return from their trip, but something always comes up to make the situation worse.

VERSION (3)
Everyone who isn’t white and blonde is evil and inferior. That’s what Abigail Sharpe, a shy insecure 15 year old, was taught to believe by the Phineas Temple, a fundamentalist religion of which her family is apart. Anyone who disobeys its teaching is given Divine Retribution, but the fear of Divine Retribution was not enough to keep Abigail’s best friends from visiting the Bojangle Circus and pulling her and her sisters along with them. At the circus Abigail’s troubles begin after she, a stray dog, and the wealthiest boy in the world are cursed by Inugami, the god of dogs.

Abigail and her sisters have to get things back to normal before their parents return from their two week trip, but everything goes horribly wrong. Abigail is forced to come out of her shell in spite of her own fears and prejudice and seek help from unexpected sources to break the curse. and escape Divine Retribution.


VERSION (4)
Abigail is the unluckiest white girl in the world. (1) Everyone in her family except her is blonde; (2) she had to quit school at 15; (3) her two best friends run away from home; and (4) her mother is arranging to marry her to the most boring man in the world; but worst of all, her family is a part of the Phineas Temple, a religious cult that gives Devine Retribution to members who disobey its teaching.

The story begins when Abigail finds an injured, stray dog stuffed in the trash bin in the alley behind her house. After her parents leave for an out of town trip, Abigail, her sisters, and her two best friends (before they become runaways) sneak off to the Bojangle Circus. There, when the dog runs away, Abigail accidentally crosses paths with Ciel Funkhauser, the richest white boy in the world whose dream of becoming a Buddhist monk is shattered after his father’s sudden death, leaving him in charge of a trillion dollar fortune.

Abigail’s and Ciel’s troubles really begin after being cursed by Inugami, a spirit summoned by Claude, Ciel’s greedy twin brother. Claude then assumes Ciel’s identity to take control over the family fortune. Abigail and her sisters must get things back to normal before their parents return, and Ciel, lost in the ghetto, must regain his lost memories of his true identity. However, things go horribly wrong for everyone. Abigail is forced to come out of her shell in spite of her own fears and prejudice to seek help from unexpected sources to find Ciel so the curse can be broken and escape Divine Retribution.


VERSION (5)
Abigail is the most unlucky white girl in the world. Her troubles begin when she is cursed by the dog deity Inugami after crossing paths with the wealthiest boy in the world and his greedy twin brother Claude.

Abigail and her sisters have to get things back to normal before their parents return from their two week trip, but everything goes horribly wrong. Abigail is forced to come out of her shell in spite of her own fears and prejudice and seek help from unexpected sources to break the curse.



Please tell me which version you think is best (1), (2), (3), (4), or (5)
13131 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
24 / M
Offline
Posted 9/2/15
Honestly, in all four I feel like you just have too much going on. The synopsis is full of macguffins and fantasy babble and extraneous information, which really overwhelms the reader and does more to intimidate them than actually pull them in.

I would say two is the best because it is the most succinct but I think that your story just has too much stuff buzzing around to really tie it down in a "list the things that happen in the story" format. I think you really need to focus on what is important in the story and express that more clearly, even if that means only brushing over everything else...

But then again, I've always been terrible at writing synopses
Posted 9/2/15
They were all too long and I lost interest in reading any of them.
One Punch Mod
85861 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
F / Boston-ish
Offline
Posted 9/2/15
I like the first person approach, but Version 1 is too long. I like Version 2, but as mentioned by others there still may be a bit too much going on.

However, I get the feeling that the "too much going on" is a clue into the kind of madcap, fast-paced story the story might be, and if so then writing it that way gives it a nice flavor!
You must be logged in to post.