Post Reply WHAT DO YOU THINK OF INUGAMI'S CURSE?!
10179 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
27 / F / The state of Wash...
Offline
Posted 9/3/15
I rewrote the summery for My story INUGAMI'S CURSE.

please read the new version and the old version. Tell me which is hooking and interesting, or do I need to go back to the drawing board.

VERSION 1
Abigail is the unluckiest white girl in the world. To make things worse her family is a part of the Phineas Temple, a religious cult that gives Devine Retribution to members who disobey its teaching. The story begins when Abigail finds an injured, stray dog stuffed in a trash can. After her parents leave for an out of town trip, she, her sisters, and her two best friends sneak off to the circus. When the dog runs away, Abigail accidentally crosses paths with Ciel Funkhauser, a boy whose father’s sudden death, leaves him in charge of a trillion dollar fortune.

Abigail and Ciel’s troubles begin after being cursed by Inugami, a spirit summoned by Claude, Ciel’s greedy twin brother. Claude then assumes Ciel’s identity to take control over the family fortune. Abigail and her sisters must get things back to normal before their parents return. Ciel, lost in the ghetto, must regain his memory of his true identity. However, things go horribly wrong for everyone. Abigail is forced to come out of her shell in spite of her own fears and prejudice and seek help from unexpected sources to find Ciel so the curse can be broken and so she can escape Divine Retribution.


VERSION 2
Abigail is the unluckiest white girl in the world. (1) Everyone in her family except her is blonde; (2) she had to quit school at 15; (3) her two best friends run away from home; and (4) her mother is arranging to marry her to the most boring man in the world; but worst of all, her family is a part of the Phineas Temple, a religious cult that gives Devine Retribution to members who disobey its teaching.

The story begins when Abigail finds an injured, stray dog stuffed in a trash can. the trash bin in the alley behind her house. After her parents leave for an out of town trip, She, Abigail, her sisters, and her two best friends (before they become runaways) sneak off to the Bojangle Circus. There, when the dog runs away, Abigail accidentally crosses paths with Ciel Funkhauser, the richest white boy in the world whose dream of becoming a Buddhist monk is shattered after his father’s sudden death, leaves ing him in charge of a trillion dollar fortune.

Abigail’s and Ciel’s troubles really begin after being cursed by Inugami, a spirit summoned by Claude, Ciel’s greedy twin brother. Claude then assumes Ciel’s identity to take control over the family fortune. Abigail and her sisters must get things back to normal before their parents return, and Ciel, lost in the ghetto, must regain his lost memories of his true identity. However, things go horribly wrong for everyone. Abigail is forced to come out of her shell in spite of her own fears and prejudice to seek help from unexpected sources to find Ciel so the curse can be broken and escape Divine Retribution.


Which version of the summery would be the best one to use ?

or

Are all of the bad, and I need to go back to the drawing board?

You opinion is appreciated.

Thank You
2638 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
100 / M
Offline
Posted 9/4/15

brookline wrote:

I rewrote the summery for My story INUGAMI'S CURSE.

please read the new version and the old version. Tell me which is hooking and interesting, or do I need to go back to the drawing board.

VERSION 1
Abigail is the unluckiest white girl in the world. To make things worse her family is a part of the Phineas Temple, a religious cult that gives Devine Retribution to members who disobey its teaching. The story begins when Abigail finds an injured, stray dog stuffed in a trash can. After her parents leave for an out of town trip, she, her sisters, and her two best friends sneak off to the circus. When the dog runs away, Abigail accidentally crosses paths with Ciel Funkhauser, a boy whose father’s sudden death, leaves him in charge of a trillion dollar fortune.

Abigail and Ciel’s troubles begin after being cursed by Inugami, a spirit summoned by Claude, Ciel’s greedy twin brother. Claude then assumes Ciel’s identity to take control over the family fortune. Abigail and her sisters must get things back to normal before their parents return. Ciel, lost in the ghetto, must regain his memory of his true identity. However, things go horribly wrong for everyone. Abigail is forced to come out of her shell in spite of her own fears and prejudice and seek help from unexpected sources to find Ciel so the curse can be broken and so she can escape Divine Retribution.


VERSION 2
Abigail is the unluckiest white girl in the world. (1) Everyone in her family except her is blonde; (2) she had to quit school at 15; (3) her two best friends run away from home; and (4) her mother is arranging to marry her to the most boring man in the world; but worst of all, her family is a part of the Phineas Temple, a religious cult that gives Devine Retribution to members who disobey its teaching.

The story begins when Abigail finds an injured, stray dog stuffed in a trash can. the trash bin in the alley behind her house. After her parents leave for an out of town trip, She, Abigail, her sisters, and her two best friends (before they become runaways) sneak off to the Bojangle Circus. There, when the dog runs away, Abigail accidentally crosses paths with Ciel Funkhauser, the richest white boy in the world whose dream of becoming a Buddhist monk is shattered after his father’s sudden death, leaves ing him in charge of a trillion dollar fortune.

Abigail’s and Ciel’s troubles really begin after being cursed by Inugami, a spirit summoned by Claude, Ciel’s greedy twin brother. Claude then assumes Ciel’s identity to take control over the family fortune. Abigail and her sisters must get things back to normal before their parents return, and Ciel, lost in the ghetto, must regain his lost memories of his true identity. However, things go horribly wrong for everyone. Abigail is forced to come out of her shell in spite of her own fears and prejudice to seek help from unexpected sources to find Ciel so the curse can be broken and escape Divine Retribution.


Which version of the summery would be the best one to use ?

or

Are all of the bad, and I need to go back to the drawing board?

You opinion is appreciated.

Thank You


i like version 2 better
You must be logged in to post.