Post Reply Does this story sound alright?
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25 / F / New Jersey, USA
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Posted 9/7/15
Let me know if a thread like this one exist or not.
Thanks a bunches.

Read and review it!


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Posted 9/16/15

qualeshia3 wrote:

Let me know if a thread like this one exist or not.
Thanks a bunches.

Read and review it!




Alright before I start the critique of this, I want to make it abundantly clear that it is going to sound harsh. This is unfortunately, the honest nature of editing though so I want to stress that it isn't me trying to be cruel in any way. The fact is, by taking the time to critique this story, it means that, not only do I want this story to get better, but I want its writer to improve and feel more confident whenever they do post something. So with this disclaimer out of the way, let me get to my thoughts on this piece.

First we start with the mechanics of the story. Looking over the story as a whole, the first thing that I notice is that your paragraphs are far too large for the information encompassing them. There's a mixture of combining too much for one paragraph to handle, and redundant sentences that essentially makes the paragraphs too bulky to read and ultimately slows down the flow of your story. As a basic rule, a paragraph should contain one basic idea, once that idea has been expanded on, one should create another. The issue is, that the way the paragraphs are written, you hop from one idea to the next in mid sentence, making it difficult to decide when to end your first paragraph and start another. An example of this would be


Then again what was the normality that was before this war happened.


Leaving aside any other criticisms that this sentence has within its borders, this would have been the key stopping point. By instead changing it to, "But then, what was normalcy anyways?" breaking the paragraph and starting anew with, "Before this war happened, the world was..." you would be able to more accurately condense your ideas into a properly formatted form.

Another major issue that is easily corrected, is the usage of your tense copulas. In some cases you are using singulars such as is, where a plural should be used, such as are, and vice versa. An excellent example of where this happens is in your first couple of sentences.


It hurts to look at what my kingdom looks like now that the war was done. People's tears and blood is spread all over the nation, covering it up like some misery blanket.


Your tenses used in both these sentences are incorrect. Was is a word that should be used purely when referring to past tense, so the correct sentence should read as, "It hurts to look [upon] my kingdom, now that the war is done."

For the second sentence, since not only are we referring the the people as a group, but also telling the reader that it is both their blood and their tears covering the nation, then instead of 'is' we should be using 'are' as our word, "Peoples' [blood and tears] are spread all over the nation, covering it like some misery blanket."

The final major mechanical critique is that of redundancy. A lot of your opening paragraph is chocked full of redundant wording and sentences that could be pared out to better serve the flow. An exercise for this is taking the paragraph and seeing what could all be stated with one simple sentence. By doing this, you force yourself to cut what isn't necessary and can rewrite it with that in mind.

If you want examples of this, it would be easier to show than to tell and so I'm offering, if you so wish, to do a complete rewrite of your story, as I would do it, and I stress that last part completely, since every writer is different. While our styles could differ, the rewrite would mean that you could look at what another person thinks is unnecessary to the story and reflect on it. This part is purely optional but know that the offer is open.

Now that my basic mechanical qualms are out of the way though, I can start telling you what I thought of the story from a narrative perspective. Since it is, what appears to be, simply the prologue to the story, I expect that there isn't a lot of content that I can immediately derive just from these few paragraphs, other than of course, there was a war in this nation, the princess killed someone and that she isn't sure what kind of future can come from this all.

This in itself is a very basic story, this of course not meant in a negative way. Setting up a simplistic prologue like this is probably one of the better ways to go about it. I've noticed in my own readings of literature, that a prologue that gives you a little, while opening an intriguing idea is that of a prologue that will keep me reading. It is enough to establish a concept that needs expansion on, rather than spooning tons of history all at once into the prologue and overwhelming the reader.

With those statements in mind, with your prologue you straddle a very thin line between keeping it simple enough to intrigue and too bloated to hold the reader's interest. Most of that though, can be solved with the paring down of the redundant sentences. It isn't the story itself bloating it after all, it is the unnecessary that does that.

So in conclusion, what I want to say of your story, is that it intrigues me. The idea is simple enough to grow in any direction, but it's held back by some easily remedied writing mistakes and some repetitive sentences. With a second and third draft, I am sure you can improve this in ways that are as immeasurable as the pain your princess feels.
42391 cr points
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25 / F / New Jersey, USA
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Posted 9/16/15


Oh my gosh! Thanks so much for reviewing it. I'm glad you gave me advice on what to do and I'm glad it intrigues you. I thought my story was terrible or something, since nobody reviewed it. Thank you so much.

I'm not good with editing by the way.
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Posted 9/16/15

qualeshia3 wrote:



Oh my gosh! Thanks so much for reviewing it. I'm glad you gave me advice on what to do and I'm glad it intrigues you. I thought my story was terrible or something, since nobody reviewed it. Thank you so much.

I'm not good with editing by the way.


I only browse the creative section once a week since it appears to move slower than a snail crawling through syrup, which is probably why I never saw it. Usually I try to comment on every short story that gets posted on this board because I find it fun to trawl through someone else's work. Nice break from editing my own stuff.

Editing, as a skill, is one that any one is capable of learning though so I wouldn't panic quite yet. I find the most basic way of editing my own work is, as you have done, ask someone else to do it, but if you're ever looking for a basic edit you can do on your own, try just reading it out loud. It's very important that it be done out loud because by speaking, you give yourself a chance to trip over the parts that are less than adequately written. Once you stumble, examine the sentence closely, ask yourself why you had a verbal trip and then try to redo the sentence in a few different ways.

Don't stop writing though even if there aren't any comments, keep practicing, that's what makes someone a good writer, just like any skill.

42391 cr points
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25 / F / New Jersey, USA
Online
Posted 9/16/15

LITVoid wrote:


qualeshia3 wrote:



Oh my gosh! Thanks so much for reviewing it. I'm glad you gave me advice on what to do and I'm glad it intrigues you. I thought my story was terrible or something, since nobody reviewed it. Thank you so much.

I'm not good with editing by the way.


I only browse the creative section once a week since it appears to move slower than a snail crawling through syrup, which is probably why I never saw it. Usually I try to comment on every short story that gets posted on this board because I find it fun to trawl through someone else's work. Nice break from editing my own stuff.

Editing, as a skill, is one that any one is capable of learning though so I wouldn't panic quite yet. I find the most basic way of editing my own work is, as you have done, ask someone else to do it, but if you're ever looking for a basic edit you can do on your own, try just reading it out loud. It's very important that it be done out loud because by speaking, you give yourself a chance to trip over the parts that are less than adequately written. Once you stumble, examine the sentence closely, ask yourself why you had a verbal trip and then try to redo the sentence in a few different ways.

Don't stop writing though even if there aren't any comments, keep practicing, that's what makes someone a good writer, just like any skill.



Again thank you.
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