1016 cr points
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24 / M
Posted 10/7/15 , edited 10/7/15
I am not sure if this is depression or just wild thoughts that occer every time I think about a curtein something.

I been through a lot for the past years of my life, which. Are really making me think. I am in pain and feeling 'hurt' because of it.

I found who are true to their words, and. Those who aren't.
Friends that once said they'll stick by myside and help me with whatever hits me hard. Turns out... Nobody showed it or cared. I sigh. I don't regret being their friend, I don't hate them, I don't like them... It just hurts me knowing they were lying all this time. Or, didn't know how to help. I don't know honestly what went through their heads. All I know. They weren't there. And that made me learn a lot.
And then there are family members.
They talk about being a family and being there for others. I didn't see any of that, at all. Just wars between one another with people wearing mask to hide it from the outside. Only the insides know full truth.

Even through I had no one there for me, no one to call friend or family. I still believe in things that cause me to be a soft person but mean at the same time.
I don't disbelief in family, however. I am telling others this to hide it.
And I don't disbelief in friendship, though. I am telling others otherwise.
I just need time to re-think things before I become honest again.
And I think by looking and asking from others. It may come to me. Or, I may need to wait longer.

I sigh....
Because of all what happen.
I became an alcoholic and drank because I felt better about myself. And the feeling of blacking out so I don't remember things any more. It consumed me for two and half a year.Or years. Now, I've quit and stopped for the past three months. Feeling better and trying to face facts with reality. Though, I did think about that regardless of my situation when I was off and on that stuff. I also took hard drugs to try and kill myself. I nearly succeeded a few times... It wasn't till the last time I had someone come to me and tell me they don't want me dead. But, becasue of the past. I'm letting that get int he way of the present and the future. I now realise how much I mean to them and I'm still suffering from the past of what they are to me, and what I mean to them. I can go into better detail of what I mean. If somebody request so.

After what I've been through. I am trying not to stay stagnant. Rather, trying to move further ahead instead of staying still. That way. I ain't in full pain or hurt, so. I can became a better man in life. And offer more than what liers can say or tell. I look up to people in my life. And they are my idles and stars. I won't forget them... Even though some have turned on me, and shoved me away. But, those who have treated me badly with such disrespect. I will not forgive them. Though, I will not let that turn into hate either. I'd rather let it pass so I can remember it, but. Know when and if that happens again. What I'll do in my actions. I sigh... Trying to rebuild myself is tough... Tougher than living and realizing the fasle reality I use to live.
Posted 10/7/15 , edited 10/7/15
Sounds like depression. It's hard when you ask for help and no one's there to listen. Feel for ya buddy.
190 cr points
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35 / M / London
Posted 10/7/15 , edited 10/7/15
Dude, you're 21. You probably have some form of depression but I don't know if it's a chemical imbalance or due to dwelling on negativity. I would like to say that the end of your teens is when you realise most people you call friends are self serving dicks with no real affection for you, they discover drink/ drugs/ sex and suddenly hanging out with people they were forced together with in school doesn't seem so appealing
13544 cr points
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50 / M / New England, USA
Posted 10/7/15 , edited 10/7/15
You need to see a doctor. I'm not saying this to be judgmental but as someone who has gone through it himself. They can help. There are many types of depressions, many causes and many treatments that can make you feel better. The doctor can help you find out which will work best for you. You've already taken the first step to curing yourself by giving up the alcohol and drugs. Once we try killing ourselves we know it's time to seek a helping hand.
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221163 cr points
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Posted 1/23/17 , edited 1/24/17
Forum Clean up. Old 2015 threads Locked.
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