Post Reply Need some advice and some real opinions :P
Posted 2/8/08, edited 2/8/08
First of all I would like to tell you all that I have no idea so far what to make of this but I have some ideas.
It's just a story that played in my head one night when I was going to bed.
Please tell me what you all think and I will go from there :P

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There was a little girl hiding beneath a bed in the addic of a little house in the quiet suburbs.
The girl was holding a teddybear and her eyes were full of tears.
Her lips were shaking and she looked so fragile as if just a needle drop would break her into pieces.
A loud thud could be heard from the floor beneath.
The little girl trembled slightly after every thud she could hear.
She wasn't sure if what she had seen a few minutes ago was real or if it was merely her mind playing tricks.
Surely a little girls mind wouldn't be infested by such obscure and violent imagination.
The door creaked as it opened slowly.
The girl held her breath as the light of an oil lamp revealed the shadow of a man panting hard.
He stumbled over the last few steps and closed the door behind him.
A tear fell down the girls cheek as she saw the shadow getting closer to her bed.
"You..you can't hide you little.." He stuttered out and coughed roughly as he reached over to grab one of the beds handle and swung it with a surprising strenght, reaveling the little girl who had stayed secured under the bed.

Terrified by the sight of a bloody axe he was holding, she gasped and quickly got to her feet and before he could catch her, she had reached the door.
She tried with all her strenght to open it but it seemed to have gotten stuck.
The man just laughed at her and walked with secured steps towards her. The floor creaked as the girl ran across the room until she was cornered. She was firmly holding onto her teddy as the man approached her with an evil and disgustin smile on his face.

She knew the end was near and she could feel her heart beat fast as if it was stuck in her throat.
The mans mind was beyond any kind of sense.
He raised his axe over his head and swung it at the little girl. She screamed into emptiness.
A moment later, blood was painted over the wall where the girl had been standing.
Blood floated into small cracks in the wooden floor and a lifeless hand was holding onto a brown teddybears right arm.

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OK! comments please? ^^'
Need it.. ;P
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Joanna-chan
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Posted 2/10/08
Very good. Well written. The style was smooth and it totally got me on the edge of my seat. You could add a bit more to it tho. Maybe have the man have some trouble opening the door and having the girl think more about what was going on a bit; and possibly the guy swinging the ax as the girl was running; but other then that you ended it perfectly and started it excellently; and its good the way it is; but if you want it longer you just need to add a bit more detail. ^^ Two thumbs up from me ^^.
Posted 2/11/08
thx Kuwa girl ^^
I'll keep that in mind.
Posted 2/12/08
Ohhh I thought it was great! The introduction was good in how it helped to make you understand how the little girl is feeling and that we don't know so much about her, it keeps you hooked and wanting to know more. The only small bit of criticism I would give about it is when you begin with the paragraph, 'Terrified by the sight...' it sort of becomes like... a list of things that they're doing and I think that you could have added more emotions into it like the beginning. If you did that, it would be perfect!! :)

P.S. I'm not a professional writer or anything so dont take anything to heart too seriously... it's just my opinion, but either way, I'm sure that if you continue this story it'll turn out amazing! :D
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Posted 2/13/08
i feel like it's a good horror story just bein ready to be continued!!! XD
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Posted 2/16/08
Wow, that was very good. It was detailed well and gave enough of an image to know what was happening. I loved it!
Posted 2/24/08
Thanks all for the positive feedback and also thanks for the criticism! It helps me become better!
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Posted 5/16/08, edited 5/16/08
This is great and very interesting! I can't help but want to read more! Will you continue it?
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