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Post Reply The death of a loved one...
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27 / F / Washington ツ
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Posted 11/10/15

Have any of you lost a loved one before, whether it be a spouse, family member, friend, etc? I'm having a very hard time dealing with the death of my husband, who passed 09/05. I feel like there are good days and bad days, but as the days go by it seems to get harder and harder to come to terms with. I'm sorry to bring this here, and maybe it's a bit too deep for this website, but I was just wondering if anyone has been through it and how they dealt with it? I'm unable to go to a therapist right now, and have thought about reading a few books. If anyone has any recommendations, that would be amazing. Thank you in advance for reading, and any comments are welcomed.
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M / Fort Worth, TX
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Posted 11/10/15
this is coming from someone who's never lost an immediate family member but I think theres nothing wrong with being emotional about something like this. life brings us things and it can also take away things. theres nothing wrong with loving the shit out of your husband and remembering everything that meant anything to you. im not a religious person but I guess in times like this you can ask your heavenly father anything. pray for anything. there has to be sunshine after a rainstorm
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18 / F / Croatia
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Posted 11/10/15 , edited 11/10/15
One of my cousins has passed away 7 years ago, but I don't remember feeling a lot of pain because of it. We haven't been particularly close. My and his family are 2 hours car ride apart, so it wasn't easy to stay in contact. He was also 6-7 years older than me. Maybe I'm just cold-hearted and don't understand what it means to care about someone. All in all, I've never felt unbearable pain about the loss of a family member. That's just the way it's supposed to be. I wonder if I'll ever experience that feeling, though.
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40 / M / USA
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Posted 11/10/15
I've had friends, family and people I don't know die but it's never bothered me. I'd give you some tips on how to deal with it but emotions are basically foreign to me. Seen people deal with death in all sorts of manners. Extreme and non.
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23 / M / AZ
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Posted 11/10/15
The death that really got to me was my friend during our senior year of high school. This kid was very well known and his death impacted several people. I was in pain knowing that I wouldn't be sitting next to him in class anymore. I was able to come to terms with his death when I went up to his casket and said my goodbyes.
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27 / F / Washington ツ
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Posted 11/10/15

deadscreen wrote:

this is coming from someone who's never lost an immediate family member but I think theres nothing wrong with being emotional about something like this. life brings us things and it can also take away things. theres nothing wrong with loving the shit out of your husband and remembering everything that meant anything to you. im not a religious person but I guess in times like this you can ask your heavenly father anything. pray for anything. there has to be sunshine after a rainstorm


I don't think there's anything wrong with being emotional either, it just is getting to me in a few different ways that I don't believe are very healthy.. Like, I feel like my house is slowly becoming a shrine to him. I have printed so many photos of him, and they are all over the living-room. I just don't want to make it so that family is uncomfortable coming over, you know? I'm not a religious person, although sometimes I wish I were so that at least I would feel like he's somewhere, you know? He was an anthiest as well... So it's difficult to think of him just... Nowhere? There's no closure in that at all.


Nalaniel wrote:

One of my cousins has passed away 7 years ago, but I don't remember feeling a lot of pain because of it. We haven't been particularly close. My and his family are 2 hours car ride apart, so it wasn't easy to stay in contact. He was also 6-7 years older than me. Maybe I'm just cold-hearted and don't understand what it means to care about someone. All in all, I've never felt unbearable pain about the loss of a family member. That's just the way it's supposed to be. I wonder if I'll ever experience that feeling, though.


I don't think you're cold-hearted at all, people deal with the loss of those we care about differently, and that's normal. When my father passed at 14, I didn't cry very often. I know I took it different than I am with my husband passing. Now, I'm an emotionall ball of tears all over the place at any given time... Not much fun to be around, I'm sure.


dotsforlife wrote:

I've had friends, family and people I don't know die but it's never bothered me. I'd give you some tips on how to deal with it but emotions are basically foreign to me. Seen people deal with death in all sorts of manners. Extreme and non.


I agree, it's definitely something individual to that person with how we take in the emotions from it. This is by far the harder experience I've gone through.. I'm just not sure how to take it in properly without going downhill at this point. I just wish I knew what I was doing, because at this point I'm likely slowly turning into an alcoholic.


HuastecoOtaku wrote:

The death that really got to me was my friend during our senior year of high school. This kid was very well known and his death impacted several people. I was in pain knowing that I wouldn't be sitting next to him in class anymore. I was able to come to terms with his death when I went up to his casket and said my goodbyes.


I wish I could have came to terms with his death when I saw him, both in the hospital and at the funeral home... But instead of coming to terms with it, it's all I'm thinking about now. Holding his hand, putting my fingers through his hair, laying next to him.. It's just heartbreaking. He was cremated, so I have his ashes, but I just feel like there's no closure with any of this. I was never able to say goodbye. -Smh-
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52 / M / Bay Area
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Posted 11/10/15
Man this thread is no joke I was thinking about posting same topic. Grieving is something we humans really don't do much especially western society we do the funeral and get back to our mindless jobs. My father died 5 years ago and I think about him every day we both shared same names he was junior and I am a third. Best thing I did was take his signature from his passport and got a tattoo its blown up a little bigger but I love it has date of death and birth it makes me feel good. How long is accepted period to grieve nobody talks about it sorta taboo your suppose to move on but I feel mixed about it. I am lucky to have a son so I am doing some things my pops did with me that helps feels good inside. My dad use to take me to James Bond movies so my son is in to it kinda cool. When do you get closure for me thinking never because he was a huge guy in my life mentally and physically 6-1 230 lbs he would fill a room so its a void at my moms place like a ghost town. My mom was married for 51 years she still cries not sure how long she will continue her life routine we will see the cycle of life can be cruel but it moves forward really sucks sometimes and its not fair
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26 / F / Cleveland, OH
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Posted 11/10/15 , edited 11/10/15
I lost my grandfather in March 2013. He was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer a year or so before then, and I basically watched him pass away during his final 2-3 days. I'll say it was more painful to see him on his literal deathbed, and I was oddly relieved when he finally died because it meant he wasn't struggling anymore.

I know some people aren't afforded the luxury of saying goodbye, but even through all the pain of seeing him there, being able to talk to him was the best thing I could have asked for. I don't know if he could understand me or even if he was lucid at the time, but I told him I'd get better (I struggled with an eating disorder for ~10 years) and make him proud. The idea of being strong for him and doing the right thing made the grieving process a lot better after he died, especially because I was his favorite granddaughter and I knew he'd never want me to wallow or suffer.

To this day, I wear his military tags whenever I feel weak because I believe they make me a stronger person. Mementos are powerful.
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33 / M / outer wall, level...
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Posted 11/10/15
well, cant say the death of a loved one ever hit me hard, but as for depression, all i can tell you is to take it day by day, keep busy. time makes it hurt less. it gets better with time, that i can tell you about pain.

and watch lots of anime. seriously, there is something to be said for wasting away your live in a fantasy world for a while. it makes life bearable some times. good luck.
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27 / F / Washington ツ
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Posted 11/10/15 , edited 11/10/15

scoobydew wrote:

Man this thread is no joke I was thinking about posting same topic. Grieving is something we humans really don't do much especially western society we do the funeral and get back to our mindless jobs. My father died 5 years ago and I think about him every day we both shared same names he was junior and I am a third. Best thing I did was take his signature from his passport and got a tattoo its blown up a little bigger but I love it has date of death and birth it makes me feel good. How long is accepted period to grieve nobody talks about it sorta taboo your suppose to move on but I feel mixed about it. I am lucky to have a son so I am doing some things my pops did with me that helps feels good inside. My dad use to take me to James Bond movies so my son is in to it kinda cool. When do you get closure for me thinking never because he was a huge guy in my life mentally and physically 6-1 230 lbs he would fill a room so its a void at my moms place like a ghost town. My mom was married for 51 years she still cries not sure how long she will continue her life routine we will see the cycle of life can be cruel but it moves forward really sucks sometimes and its not fair


I feel like as soon as the funeral was over everyone went back to their own lives while mine stayed on pause. I don't even get text messages or calls anymore. I just feel completely alone in all of this. We were married 12/12/12, but were together since 08/14/09, so it's hard to see so many people talk about their 20, 30, and 40 years of marriage and know that I won't have that. I won't get to see him get gray hair, or wrinkles, or any of it. He was only 25. I hate even thinking of having my birthday because I'll grow older without him. I agree with you, it really isn't fair, and although I know death is apart of life... He was just so young.

I love the idea of his signature. I have an appointment for the 17th to get a Celtic cross, but we'll see.. I might just add his signature. My mother actually asked if I knew that I'd have the tattoos I've gotten for the rest of my life and even brought up me meeting someone down the line... I just brushed it off and told her that if I do, they will have to love me and my 50 tattoos of Ben lol. I don't plan to be with anyone again, it just wouldn't feel right.

I've gotten these so far on my forearms.




hnrbledischarge wrote:

I lost my grandfather in March 2013. He was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer a year or so before then, and I basically watched him pass away during his final 2-3 days. I'll say it was more painful to see him on his literal deathbed, and I was oddly relieved when he finally died because it meant he wasn't struggling anymore.

I know some people aren't afforded the luxury of saying goodbye, but even through all the pain of seeing him there, being able to talk to him was the best thing I could have asked for. I don't know if he could understand me or even if he was lucid at the time, but I told him I'd get better (I struggled with an eating disorder for ~10 years) and make him proud. The idea of being strong for him and doing the right thing made the grieving process a lot better after he died, especially because I was his favorite granddaughter and I knew he'd never want me to wallow or suffer.

To this day, I wear his military tags whenever I feel weak because I believe they make me a stronger person. Mementos are powerful.


I love the sentiment with the military tags. I wear a clover necklace with his ashes in it, and have worn it since the funeral when I got it. I'm trying to be strong for Ben, and even more-so because I know I need to be, but it's hard to go through things like getting a job, or doing something new, and not having him to talk to about it. I start a new job on the 30th and all I keep thinking about is talking to him about it and wanting his feedback. So, I just keep talking to him like he's here, even though I feel a little crazy doing so.


nemoskull wrote:

well, cant say the death of a loved one ever hit me hard, but as for depression, all i can tell you is to take it day by day, keep busy. time makes it hurt less. it gets better with time, that i can tell you about pain.

and watch lots of anime. seriously, there is something to be said for wasting away your live in a fantasy world for a while. it makes life bearable some times. good luck.


Thank you very much for the kind words. I think I do that with the books that I read, it takes me away from all that is happening and I can focus on a different world for a little bit. It definitely helps. Any recommendation for a good Anime would be awesome. Thank you for commenting!
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Posted 11/10/15

MrsAmor wrote:


Have any of you lost a loved one before, whether it be a spouse, family member, friend, etc? I'm having a very hard time dealing with the death of my husband, who passed 09/05. I feel like there are good days and bad days, but as the days go by it seems to get harder and harder to come to terms with. I'm sorry to bring this here, and maybe it's a bit too deep for this website, but I was just wondering if anyone has been through it and how they dealt with it? I'm unable to go to a therapist right now, and have thought about reading a few books. If anyone has any recommendations, that would be amazing. Thank you in advance for reading, and any comments are welcomed.


I am so sorry for your loss. I've lost several family members over the years, as well as several pets, and the best friend I ever had or ever will have. As for how I've dealt with loss, so far it's been a mixture of immersing myself into anime, video games, and music. It acts sort of like a cleanser for me, allowing me to eventually replace all of the bad with something a little good. Surprisingly, the loss that hit me the hardest was my best friend. I still miss her every day, but even without being a religious person I know she's still around. If it wasn't for the song Dreams of an Absolution by Lee Brotherton (now known as Bentley Jones), I honestly am not sure where or who I would be today.
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Posted 11/10/15 , edited 11/10/15
I only feel it after i see how someone else is broken up over it. That's what breaks my heart, seeing them feeling strong emotion. It feels good after crying it out with them
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27 / F / Washington ツ
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Posted 11/10/15 , edited 11/10/15

CrossForte wrote:

I am so sorry for your loss. I've lost several family members over the years, as well as several pets, and the best friend I ever had or ever will have. As for how I've dealt with loss, so far it's been a mixture of immersing myself into anime, video games, and music. It acts sort of like a cleanser for me, allowing me to eventually replace all of the bad with something a little good. Surprisingly, the loss that hit me the hardest was my best friend. I still miss her every day, but even without being a religious person I know she's still around. If it wasn't for the song Dreams of an Absolution by Lee Brotherton (now known as Bentley Jones), I honestly am not sure where or who I would be today.


I'm so sorry to hear about your best friend. I feel very fortunate to have his family here in town, and his sister has been my best friend since I was 16, so it makes it a bit easier. I've definitely dove into television series on Hulu thus far, and just found the Crunchyroll app on XBOX a few days ago and figured I'd try it out, so I completely understand what you mean about it helping. I think that anything that takes my mind off or it is a good thing, but other times I feel like I'm not trying to process it at all, and that isn't healthy. I have been thinking about seeing a medium, because although I'm not a religious person either, I just want to know he's okay, you know? I don't know how to take him being gone... Do I just think that he was turned into ashes and that was it? I don't know.. It's unsettling.


supaspem wrote:

I only feel it after i see how someone else is broken up over it. That's what breaks my heart, seeing them feeling strong emotion. It feels good after crying it out with them


I wish I had that good feeling after crying, but I'm usually exhausted and then just end up going to sleep. It's a wash, rinse, repeat type of thing going on at this point. I can't seem to get ahold of it.
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Posted 11/10/15

supaspem wrote:

I only feel it after i see how someone else is broken up over it. That's what breaks my heart, seeing them feeling strong emotion. It feels good after crying it out with them


I've never lost anyone dear to me but I have felt this. When I see someone grieving it makes me feel really sad. I Can't even imagine what it might feel like and honestly I'm a little scared of the time when someone I love eventually passes.

All the best to you and good luck with everything.
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23 / M / Abyss
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Posted 11/10/15
I lost three friends to suicide (one of which was a girl I was quite sweet on). I also lost a grandma and grandpa to cancer. A friend of family blew his brains out after a fight with his wife. I am well versed in death.

What I suggest is to let it out slowly. Talk to good friends (if therapists help, go to them.. I cant go to people I pay to listen... feels fake). Don't let it all out on your friends, but rely on them. Have dinner with them, small talk, something like that. Exercise also helps a lot (much to America's disappointment). When I am down I usually have friends over for dinner. Talk, have a beer or two... Play some games then when they leave, I go for a 10-25 mile walk. Just put on some music and relax.

Dealing with death will get easier over time if you are willing to move on. If you hang onto the past (I do this a little), you will take much longer to move on, if ever. I don't mean go man hunting this instant... but you cant dwell on someone's death forever.

If you are religious... then think that you will meet them again some day... and that they would want you to be happy while he was gone. Most relationships are like that, so he wouldn't mind you moving on.

If you are not religious, then think that he is in a very peaceful, dreamless sleep... and that once again, he would want you to be happy.

My grandfather on my dads side lost his wife (my grandma) to cancer. He went into a deep depression to the point he couldn't even cook (he still cant). His friends came over every day and cooked for him, helped him clean his house. All of this was my grandma's job. After about a year... he found he really enjoyed his time with a long time (27 years) female friend of his. He ended up getting married again about 3 years after my grandma's death. He seems a much happier man now.

I guess I will end this long winded and probably useless rant here. I hope something I said helps!
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