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Post Reply What to do when your partner is crushing?
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20 / M / Bundaberg, Queens...
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Posted 12/15/15 , edited 12/15/15

Ultiwhop wrote:


Ryulightorb wrote:



we broke up due to her becoming abusive

You can start getting a crush on someone else thats not in your control however what you do is.
Even the most devoted man may get a crush on someone else the key is there actions.


At the risk of seeming condescending, speaking as a 34yo man, you absolutely CAN control who you have a crush on. That's the difference between a man and a boy. A man takes responsibility for his actions, words and thoughts, a boy says "it's out of my control". It IS in your control, infact you decided on every thought that led up to the apparent crush. If porn is on your computer screen, do you say "its not my fault"? Same goes for the screen of your mind. If you go through life allowing your whims to dictate your direction in life, then you will live a reactionary life where things happen to you and you follow the patterns of your life's behavior going around in circles and never evolving. Take responsibility. You allowed yourself to get a crush, you could have interrupted the process at any point. It's as simple as noticing the hormonal reaction you had to the crush, acknowledging it, then getting on with life without giving it any further thought.

Here's a suggestion, practice a martial art, learn a musical instrument, start writing a book or anything, anything at all that you can train your mind to focus on. If you practice piano in your head, its as good as doing it for real. And its training your mind to be better at it. If your gonna allow your mind to daydream about women, guess what you'll be good at when you get older? Give your mind a hobby, something you can use your wasted mental energy on. FOCUS! key to success, all success. Women? They want to be supportive to you, not become the center of your universe.


Well your opinion is fine but i disagree for the reasons below (keep in mind you are you and i am me we don't all function the same)
I have never been able to control my emotions let alone all of my thoughts most of them are intrusive.
the whole concept of being able to control and turn them off at the flick of a switch is foreign and alien to me possible because my brain is wired slightly differently or i was never taught how to control them whatever the reason is without someone to teach me i don't know how to even do that.

A crush is merely a feeling it's something that happens to the best of us.
you can control the crush from going anywhere but you can't control the feeling from ever popping up not even the best man can.

You take control of your actions words and thoughts but that doesn't mean you delude yourself into thinking you can control every one of your thoughts esspecialy if you have intrusive thoughts.

So me finding some girls personality and looks attractive and imagining if i was with her (something i do when i meet anyone) is wrong? nope it's not wrong at all.

It's not possible to kill feelings that come up unless you are not human that is all you can do is hide them or lie to yourself i never let myself get a crush it just happened to happen when i didn't want to nor was letting it happen because shit happens all the time.

I'm not someone who doesn't acknowledge thoughts i give every single thought an analysis even the bad ones.

My focus is already good and i have practiced martial arts and do write daydreaming is as important as focus as it builds upon creativity.

I know what is in my control and what is out of my control i have learnt that and telling someone to focus and it will get rid of there intrusive thoughts is well...not right at all because they are "Intrusive" for a reason.

The only reason i ever acknowledged said crush was because it started up as intrusive thoughts and no matter how hard i tried to shut it out it kept coming flooding back into my mind.

I don't let myself have intrusive thoughts because if i did then they wouldn't be intrusive.

In my mind i analyze every thought just yesterday i was doing the lawn and the image of me catching the cat under the blades came into my head even though i tried to shut it out in the end it kept coming so all i did was analyze it and file it away in my mind.

you may have control over your emotions and be able to turn off and on feelings of attraction and love however most people cannot do that.
I can do it in a sense but that's shutting all my emotions down and not feeling any empathy or love at all which is not helpful in the slightest.




In the end i don't know how you can crush feelings that have sprouted up without you even realizing it but that's not something i have ever been able to do as i am a very emotional person and there is nothing wrong with that.

Just as there is nothing wrong with getting a crush on someone whilst in a relationship aslong as you don't act on it there is nothing wrong.
It's normal to think "oh what if i was with them would things be different?" because humans are curious beings we analyze EVERYTHING and file it away in our heads.

The problem is when you start thinking i would rather be with them or leave your partner for them.



also we are all reactionary to an extent as we need to adjust our lives to fit in with society when it doesn't accept us atleast i do.

Life is full of reactions we are creatures of habit and dislike change so in some situations it's better to be reactionary.
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23 / M / Kaguya's Panties
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Posted 12/15/15
Dump that hoe like toxic waste.
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Posted 12/16/15 , edited 12/16/15

Ryulightorb wrote:


Well your opinion is fine but i disagree for the reasons below (keep in mind you are you and i am me we don't all function the same)

A crush is merely a feeling it's something that happens to the best of us.
you can control the crush from going anywhere but you can't control the feeling from ever popping up not even the best man can.

You take control of your actions words and thoughts but that doesn't mean you delude yourself into thinking you can control every one of your thoughts esspecialy if you have intrusive thoughts.

So me finding some girls personality and looks attractive and imagining if i was with her (something i do when i meet anyone) is wrong? nope it's not wrong at all.

It's not possible to kill feelings that come up unless you are not human that is all you can do is hide them or lie to yourself i never let myself get a crush it just happened to happen when i didn't want to nor was letting it happen because shit happens all the time.

I'm not someone who doesn't acknowledge thoughts i give every single thought an analysis even the bad ones.

My focus is already good and i have practiced martial arts and do write daydreaming is as important as focus as it builds upon creativity.

I know what is in my control and what is out of my control i have learnt that and telling someone to focus and it will get rid of there intrusive thoughts is well...not right at all because they are "Intrusive" for a reason.

The only reason i ever acknowledged said crush was because it started up as intrusive thoughts and no matter how hard i tried to shut it out it kept coming flooding back into my mind.

I don't let myself have intrusive thoughts because if i did then they wouldn't be intrusive.

In my mind i analyze every thought just yesterday i was doing the lawn and the image of me catching the cat under the blades came into my head even though i tried to shut it out in the end it kept coming so all i did was analyze it and file it away in my mind.

you may have control over your emotions and be able to turn off and on feelings of attraction and love however most people cannot do that.
I can do it in a sense but that's shutting all my emotions down and not feeling any empathy or love at all which is not helpful in the slightest.




In the end i don't know how you can crush feelings that have sprouted up without you even realizing it but that's not something i have ever been able to do as i am a very emotional person and there is nothing wrong with that.

Just as there is nothing wrong with getting a crush on someone whilst in a relationship aslong as you don't act on it there is nothing wrong.
It's normal to think "oh what if i was with them would things be different?" because humans are curious beings we analyze EVERYTHING and file it away in our heads.

The problem is when you start thinking i would rather be with them or leave your partner for them.



also we are all reactionary to an extent as we need to adjust our lives to fit in with society when it doesn't accept us atleast i do.

Life is full of reactions we are creatures of habit and dislike change so in some situations it's better to be reactionary.


Absolutely, we all think differently. Full respect in that regard. My words were a bit authoritarian, no the best way to express my stand point in this situation.

I speak from experience. I have controlled many a "crush". I've even turned down twins literally begging me to go home with them (and I'm sure every one on an anonymous message board will believe me), It was a learned behavior. I don't mean to say it's wrong to daydream or whatever, it's totally normal. I just prefer to be extraordinary rather than normal. That's a learned behavior too. I am on the path to self mastery, that's where my stand point is.

Sure the feelings come up, it's almost impossible to control. But, how we respond to those feelings is entirely up to us, even if our decision is to just roll with it. it just takes practice to take conscious control. For me, I recognize that my entire perspective of reality is in my head, a total construct. That includes the people I know/meet. What I find attractive is my idea of that person. Biases come into play, if you like the look of asians, and I prefer blondes, then the same girl will seem totally different to each of us. So it's our own ideas that we are attracted to. Controlling our biases, better yet, erasing our biases is the key to self-liberation. Our mind is our ultimate tool, it gets all kinds of software installed in it as we grow up, but there comes a time to take ownership, reformat and re-install the useful stuff, leaving out the processor hungry junk.

As for the cat in the lawn mower, that's pretty funny. Did you know that we are actually dreaming 24/7, the same as when we're sleeping? it's called the subconscious (duh), and it brings up the deeper aspects of our self. So when those thoughts actually hit the surface when we're awake, then there is something going on that you are probably trying to ignore. You remember that cat thought well, but do you remember what you were thinking of just prior? that was the trigger, that stimulated the emotional response that caused a fearful thought to arise. eg, the first time I noticed it, I was recovering from some serious wounds. I was pondering on what I might do with my life if i couldn't get back to full mobility. I used to work in bars and cafe's when i was younger, so i could maybe open my own cafe/bar. Great idea! I already have the knowledge, its respectable and i can make good enough money for a time before selling it. Then a bizarre thought pops into my head: A tennisball gun pointed at the ground in front of me, shooting tennis balls repeatedly into my crotch! pk-WHOP pk-WHOP pk-WHOP pk-WHOP! "WTF?" I say to my self. I let my mind go to see what would happen, no analysis or whatever, just observation. I realized that i HATED working those jobs when I was young and i was deluding myself that it was a good option. If I'm going to open a cafe/bar, i might as well just go and stand infront of a tennis ball gun and let it pummel my nuts. That is what was going on in my subconscious.

point of the matter is that we CAN control our crushes, but it's not so simple as just that.
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20 / M / Bundaberg, Queens...
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Posted 12/16/15

Ultiwhop wrote:


Ryulightorb wrote:


Well your opinion is fine but i disagree for the reasons below (keep in mind you are you and i am me we don't all function the same)

A crush is merely a feeling it's something that happens to the best of us.
you can control the crush from going anywhere but you can't control the feeling from ever popping up not even the best man can.

You take control of your actions words and thoughts but that doesn't mean you delude yourself into thinking you can control every one of your thoughts esspecialy if you have intrusive thoughts.

So me finding some girls personality and looks attractive and imagining if i was with her (something i do when i meet anyone) is wrong? nope it's not wrong at all.

It's not possible to kill feelings that come up unless you are not human that is all you can do is hide them or lie to yourself i never let myself get a crush it just happened to happen when i didn't want to nor was letting it happen because shit happens all the time.

I'm not someone who doesn't acknowledge thoughts i give every single thought an analysis even the bad ones.

My focus is already good and i have practiced martial arts and do write daydreaming is as important as focus as it builds upon creativity.

I know what is in my control and what is out of my control i have learnt that and telling someone to focus and it will get rid of there intrusive thoughts is well...not right at all because they are "Intrusive" for a reason.

The only reason i ever acknowledged said crush was because it started up as intrusive thoughts and no matter how hard i tried to shut it out it kept coming flooding back into my mind.

I don't let myself have intrusive thoughts because if i did then they wouldn't be intrusive.

In my mind i analyze every thought just yesterday i was doing the lawn and the image of me catching the cat under the blades came into my head even though i tried to shut it out in the end it kept coming so all i did was analyze it and file it away in my mind.

you may have control over your emotions and be able to turn off and on feelings of attraction and love however most people cannot do that.
I can do it in a sense but that's shutting all my emotions down and not feeling any empathy or love at all which is not helpful in the slightest.




In the end i don't know how you can crush feelings that have sprouted up without you even realizing it but that's not something i have ever been able to do as i am a very emotional person and there is nothing wrong with that.

Just as there is nothing wrong with getting a crush on someone whilst in a relationship aslong as you don't act on it there is nothing wrong.
It's normal to think "oh what if i was with them would things be different?" because humans are curious beings we analyze EVERYTHING and file it away in our heads.

The problem is when you start thinking i would rather be with them or leave your partner for them.



also we are all reactionary to an extent as we need to adjust our lives to fit in with society when it doesn't accept us atleast i do.

Life is full of reactions we are creatures of habit and dislike change so in some situations it's better to be reactionary.


Absolutely, we all think differently. Full respect in that regard. My words were a bit authoritarian, no the best way to express my stand point in this situation.

I speak from experience. I have controlled many a "crush". I've even turned down twins literally begging me to go home with them (and I'm sure every one on an anonymous message board will believe me), It was a learned behavior. I don't mean to say it's wrong to daydream or whatever, it's totally normal. I just prefer to be extraordinary rather than normal. That's a learned behavior too. I am on the path to self mastery, that's where my stand point is.

Sure the feelings come up, it's almost impossible to control. But, how we respond to those feelings is entirely up to us, even if our decision is to just roll with it. it just takes practice to take conscious control. For me, I recognize that my entire perspective of reality is in my head, a total construct. That includes the people I know/meet. What I find attractive is my idea of that person. Biases come into play, if you like the look of asians, and I prefer blondes, then the same girl will seem totally different to each of us. So it's our own ideas that we are attracted to. Controlling our biases, better yet, erasing our biases is the key to self-liberation. Our mind is our ultimate tool, it gets all kinds of software installed in it as we grow up, but there comes a time to take ownership, reformat and re-install the useful stuff, leaving out the processor hungry junk.

As for the cat in the lawn mower, that's pretty funny. Did you know that we are actually dreaming 24/7, the same as when we're sleeping? it's called the subconscious (duh), and it brings up the deeper aspects of our self. So when those thoughts actually hit the surface when we're awake, then there is something going on that you are probably trying to ignore. You remember that cat thought well, but do you remember what you were thinking of just prior? that was the trigger, that stimulated the emotional response that caused a fearful thought to arise. eg, the first time I noticed it, I was recovering from some serious wounds. I was pondering on what I might do with my life if i couldn't get back to full mobility. I used to work in bars and cafe's when i was younger, so i could maybe open my own cafe/bar. Great idea! I already have the knowledge, its respectable and i can make good enough money for a time before selling it. Then a bizarre thought pops into my head: A tennisball gun pointed at the ground in front of me, shooting tennis balls repeatedly into my crotch! pk-WHOP pk-WHOP pk-WHOP pk-WHOP! "WTF?" I say to my self. I let my mind go to see what would happen, no analysis or whatever, just observation. I realized that i HATED working those jobs when I was young and i was deluding myself that it was a good option. If I'm going to open a cafe/bar, i might as well just go and stand infront of a tennis ball gun and let it pummel my nuts. That is what was going on in my subconscious.

point of the matter is that we CAN control our crushes, but it's not so simple as just that.


I thought you meant you can control your crushes as flick a switch turn them off sorry i misunderstood what you meant and i agree with you mostly when i think about it though at the time i had said crush i was trying to hold my relationship together with my abusive girlfriend so it probably came up due to my hesitance on the relationship and knowing if it would last or not.

Before it i was thinking about hacking and how weak security is to protect peoples ip's on skype so it was completely unrelated but that's normal with me i tend to see something then the worst case scenario comes up in my mind and plays out.

Like once i saw a pencil on an angle in an office and immediately imaged someone tripping and getting a pencil through the eye stuff like that happens in my mind all the time i'm used to it really but it's most likely a result of my OCD according to my psychologist.
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24 / M / USA
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Posted 12/16/15
When you're honestly in love you stop 'looking'. It's hard not to notice the sudden and total lack of interest in other people when that happens. It's one thing to say or find another person to be attractive and another to develop a crush.

I'd be annoyed if my partner developed a crush on someone else. I wouldn't bulldoze him over it though. Not like it would be acted upon. We'd just talk it out.



Posted 12/16/15 , edited 12/16/15
Ehhhh... Normally, I'd go all yandere crazy "I'll kill that bitch" mode, but I guess if anything, I'll just live happily ever after with my cats.
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It doesn't matter.
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Posted 12/16/15
I don't see a problem with "emotional cheating" because I think it's healthy to acknowledge other possibilities and think abut what's so attractive about that situation and why that's not already at hand.
And if she wanted to physically cheat, she can pack her bags on the way out the door.
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21 / M / U.S.A.
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Posted 12/16/15
My actions would depend on my partners actions. I wouldn't condemn her for having feelings; however, I'm not a polygamist, and she'd know that even before the relationship was started. She can have feelings for me AND the other guy/girl for all I care. But in my eyes, if something is actually there she would remain faithful. And if not, I wouldn't be afraid to let her go.
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28 / M / Baton Rouge, Loui...
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Posted 12/16/15
dunno, I'll probably never have a partner enough to care about this kind of scenario. Girl gone cheat, though, just hope she leaves when she does.
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28 / M / Baton Rouge, Loui...
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Posted 12/16/15

saksiss wrote:

Dump that hoe like toxic waste.


^
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26 / F / West Friendship,...
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Posted 12/16/15 , edited 12/16/15
Crushes happen all the time. Honestly though, you're bound to find other people internally and externally attractive, it's what you do next that matters. If you harp on the thought of the other person and pay attention to the crush, then you'll find yourself more interested as time goes on. And if you're doing this intentionally, then it's obvious you want to progress in that direction with the other person.
HOWEVER, if you find yourself mind wandering unintentionally.. then perhaps a simple talk with your spouse/gf/partner about things that have been bothering you or that have been on your mind lately dealing with the relationship is what is needed to fill in the void that you have.
Sometimes when we're not happy, we look for other ways to fix our issues, and sometimes in cheap selfish ways. But sometimes all it takes to ease our troubles is talking to the right people and actually fixing it.
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19 / M / "10/10" - IGN
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Posted 12/16/15
I would let them go. To me, my partner's happiness is what's important.
If they want someone else then I will make no effort to stop them.
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25 / F / US
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Posted 12/16/15 , edited 12/16/15

Ultiwhop wrote:

I didn't read the the threads. What the hell is someone doing with a relationship where the partner is at attracted to other people? Where's the dignity? If your in an open relationship, then by all means, but if its supposed to be monogamous then you should have been more attentive with all the earlier signs. A little banter about attractive celebrities or something might be ok, you could even use that info to entertain your partner, but when it's someone they actually know... pfft, let 'em go. Good luck to them in hooking up with this other person, although im sure the same crap will happen to them again. Be confident with who you are, don't let a partner define you, if you do, you only compromise your "self".

AkitoMadaka wrote:

I know where I lay my boundary. You go beyond that... I cut you off. Simple.

If i'm dating you i'm investing my time. I'm not gonna waste time with someone who doesn't feel the same way. I'd rather die alone that be trapped in a relationship i'm unhappy in.


Agreed. I'd also like to say that both threads are equally ridiculous.

One guy will have you accept that your partner is crushing on someone else, when your partner is in full control of themselves. You're going to find other people attractive and you're going to look, but having an infatuation with someone implies they're dissatisfied with you, and if they're so bold as to mention it, GOODBYE. "We've been together for ten years but you're have a crush on Dave?" "Yeah, there's just something about him that I find really attractive." Go be with him, bye. As an adult you know where the draw the line.

The other guy would have you believe that you can't keep your partner because you're not fit enough. This is a modern society that doesn't always adhere to "I'm swole af, you know I'll make good babies." Your partner doesn't want to be with you because you're unattractive and you're not dominant enough? GOODBYE. They knew who you were from the start, why should they be discontent with that now.

Obviously there need be much more discussion than the examples I gave, but ultimately my opinion stands.
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52 / M / Bay Area
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Posted 12/16/15 , edited 12/16/15
Being in a toxic relationship is like cancer best diagnosis is to cut it out and remove the person/tumor. Being solo is healthy form of rehab to move on and find someone else or not
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21 / F / Fort Worth, Texas
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Posted 12/16/15

having an infatuation with someone implies they're dissatisfied with you,


What an odd observation. I have an infatuation with Sega and Microsoft... And Apple Inc and Google.

You can like two people, love isn't a finite resource that means you don't like the person you're with. Twisted uses like this is why I don't require my men to be monogamous to me.

I don't think people want dominion over the thoughts of their partner, it's not their choice to be attracted, and some people miss this.... Hmm...

It's always interesting how women and gynocentric men think of relationships as having predefined rules and is some third party between two people as opposed to a connection that brings them together.
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