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29 / M / USA
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Posted 1/10/16 , edited 1/10/16
There was a time; I’m sure, where I truly desired the attention of someone on an intimate level. That time peaked during a short engagement to a girl I fell deeply in love with. I fell in love with this girl not for the right reasons of course. I fell in love with her because during my childhood, I was retreating from reality and decided if I could just avoid the troubles, ignore them completely, I could just make it through to greener pastures. Those pastures did not turn out to be green. Those pastures are now barren wastelands devoid of even the company of cacti.

Now, I sit on a company laptop pouring my personals into this page at 11:30 at night knowing that those around me are making their mark on this planet. They are building families, molding those little lives, and impressing all those close to them with even the most mundane achievements. Meanwhile, I am alone. This house I purchased was supposed to feel like a jumping point for my individual happiness. It was going to be the first of crown jewels. This crown is just thorns it seems.

I’ve had many moments of introspection in which I try to address the elephant in the room. “Why can I not find someone who is interested in me? What drew my previous partner? I don’t have that great of a smile. My body is average at best. Is it just my sense of humor? Am I losing that as well as the years tick by?” I went to a diner today for lunch by myself and saw couples all over. A young man wearing a leather jacket and a black V-neck; currently, the greaser look is making a comeback and I can’t quite understand trends anymore. He was with a young woman who also was wearing leather. I could not see her face. I could tell they were having a wonderful time.

I also noticed my waiter was rather uninterested in making conversation with me, though some regulars walked in after me and got quite a bit of attention. Am I now so off-putting that even a simple chat about the weather is dangerous territory? Maybe the omen placed upon me by a brief fling has truly come to fruition. I am destined to be alone and sad. How can I continue to be surrounded by these blossoming couples and not be negatively affected? Of course I’m jealous.

There was a time in which I was very interested in psychology. I went to school for it for just a semester; I would drop out very soon due to the horrific realization that I would absorb pieces of the mentally anguished into my own soul if I were to pursue that profession. How can I seek therapy when I feel as though I can diagnose myself better than they can? I have a fear that everyone around me is less intelligent, and I can’t relate to anyone on any level. Is this what so called “geniuses” struggled with? I would never be so bold as to call myself a genius, but I can’t help but feel utterly lost.

Where can I satisfy this burning desire for interaction? Who will give me their time when clearly I will mishandle it at every turn? Still… I wait. I wait because I can’t hunt for this myself. I wait because all my previous attempts at romance have resulted in burned bridges and broken promises. I wait because those I find the most alluring seem to find me the most unnoticeable. They say nice guys finish last, but I know this is not true. I have seen it with my own eyes. The question is not about who is finishing first or last. The question is how to start running…
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Posted 1/11/16
I may not given answers to all of you questions and I don't know if you wanted any help or advice but I'm going to say what I think.

First keep working on yourself, things that are actually faults in you. I'm not saying for you to change to fit someone's preferences but things such as being selfish, not able to love yourself or whatever ...ect. Things that improve you for your own better being. Always strive to become better than who you were and who you are. And when you find someone who you think you truly would be interested in the pursue them, yeah maybe some won't be all it worked out to be but then there's that one person that was worth it. Who finds you great for all you are. That isn't something that should be rushed or can be found easily but it can happen anytime, I'll say that. Don't lose hope because of you past experiences, really learn from them though, it helps a lot. ~and be happy about happy couples because love is a wonderful thing, people have their own backgrounds and stories and journeys, it's nice to know that through it, they finally found someone they enjoy in life after everything. It was finally their time to find somebody. Sometimes it just isn't time for people to find their mates, or sometimes your just holding yourself back. For your situation I feel like you're beginning to devalue yourself just because you don't have anyone in your life that values you or has interest in you. You don't have to run, walk if you want, or jog, this is your life. Just go for it and don't forget to go at you own pace. Everyone will have different times that they accomplish something. Don't compare your life to anyone else's. Start at working on yourself, begin to have that confidence you should have, and then get out there when you're ready. And if it fails, go at it again. And learn each time.
~ Happieness is only truly found within yourself.
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Posted 1/11/16
Thanks for the kind words, Ako.
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