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Post Reply Post your Jokes!
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Posted 1/29/16
I don't Joke, if you read about my history.. according to Wikipedia...

I'm Marcus Octavius, A Proud Roman

"A serious and discreet person, he earned himself a reputation as an influential orator."
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20 / M / Disboard
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Posted 1/29/16

AlienNineFan wrote:

Your mama's so fat when she hauls ass she has to take two trips!


lol thats a good one
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23 / M / Beyond The Wall
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Posted 1/29/16 , edited 1/29/16
How do you cook a vegetable?

Cut the life support cords
Posted 1/29/16
*deep breath* Go!

What is Donald Trump telling Barack Obama supporters? Orange Is The New Black. Why are Mexicans so offended by Donald Trumps views on immigration? Because they can already see the wall he's going to build from space. El Chapo only escaped from prison to have a "talk" with Trump. What does Melania see in Donald Trump? "Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!" Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants? Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades! Trump: "It's not a toupee, I just found the Bush that Jeb lost." Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President elect? By hunting and killing their own hair piece. How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs? By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events. How do you know the economy is only getting worse? On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself! Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania? Because all his other wives support Hilary. What is the Beach Boys song "Kokomo" about? All the places Donald Trump has bank accounts. Dear El Chapo, if you mess with Donald Trump, there will be hell toupee. Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady? Because she would have to move into a smaller house. How is Donald Trump going to shut down Planned Parenthood? By turning it into one of his casinos. What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma if he is elected president? Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head! What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats? Donald Trump. What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals? He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed. Which 2 food groups make up Donald Trumps diet? Meat and Democrats! El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive. I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth. How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants? Juan by Juan. Did you read the childrens book Fox News wrote about the Republican primary? Donald Trump and The Terrible fat pig, Horrible slob, Disgusting No Good, Very Bad host.What do you call the Michael Moore film about Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, and Joe Arpaio? Three Ami-egos. How come Justin Bieber's hair fetched $40,000 on ebay? Donald Trump is running for president and needed a more youthful looking wig! What airline does Donald Trump aspire to fly? Hair Force One! How do you know Donald Trump is talking to you? Cause your the only one Hair. What did Donald Trump tell the illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at his house? No way Hose A. How do you make Halloween great again? By carving a Trumpkin. Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants? Because E.T. eventually went home! What do Donald Trump and a baby have in common? They both whine alot! Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans? Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal. What is Donald Trumps campaign slogan? "A complex world demands complex hair." Why does Donald Trump feel he can understand the average man and become president? "When Trump bangs a supermodel, he closes his eyes and imagines he's jerking off."Why isn't it surprising that Donald Trump wants to be President of the United States? Because it's not the first time he has pushed a black family out of their home! Jeb Bush: "My brother kept us safe". Donald Trump: "Yeah, from 9/11, Katrina, the Great Recession, and thousands of amputations from IEDs after illegally invading Iraq without an exit strategy." Donald Trump doesn't believe in gay marriage, he believes marriage is about a rich guy marrying a much younger model. I don't always insult entire nations, but when I do it's with Trumped-up charges. American Criminals flee to Mexico and Mexican criminals flee to America.....Everybody needs to comb down. Dear Republicans, instead of wasting $100 million on anti-Trump ads and padding the pockets of liberal media, why don't you donate the money to the veterans. The ones you sent to war in Iraq. Anyone who was for the war in Iraq, doesn't get to question Donald Trumps views about Muslim immigration. Donald Trump is a builder, he's going to use the vast resources of the United States government to build a wall to protect our citizens, build a strong middle class, and most importantly build a machine to cure male pattern baldness. If Donald Trump wins the election, I volunteer as tribute for the Hunger Games. Trump hates illegals, Carson hates Muslims, Fiorina hates women, Huckabee hates gays, and Jeb hates questions about his idiot brother. That Awkward moment when you actually want to vote for Donald Trump. Donald Trump wants to control the country even though he can't control his hair. How can Donald Trump not understand immigration is an "act of love" when 2 of his 3 wives needed green cards. Jeb Bush worked for the now bankrupt Lehman Brothers in 2007 ($1.3 million salary) and helped cause the Great Recession. Carly Fiorina, as CEO of HP, completed a disastrous merger with Compaq (High Revenue low margin PC maker). After the Kindle & iPad were introduced (cannibalizing PC sales) a few years later, HP was removed from the DOW Jones average. Donald Trump built a 10 billion dollar net worth through savvy deal-making and successful branding. Now you tell me who's better for the US Economy. Donald Trump Campaign Slogans "We Shall OverComb" "No Amigos" "Comb Over To The Dark Side" "Don't Be A Chump, Vote For Trump" "Democrats, You're Fired!" "This country needs the D" "Everybody Needs to Comb Down" Donald Trumps Campaign Joke Donald Trump is speaking at a campaign event in South Carolina. He asks if the crowd wants to hear a joke? The southern crowd goes "Hell Yeah!" What do you call 10 illegal immigrants on the moon? A problem. What do you call 100 illegals on the moon? A problem. What do you call 1000 illegals on the moon? Still a problem. What do you call all of the illegal immigrants on the moon? Problem solved. Donald Trumps Wake When Donald Trump died, an elaborate wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs. Trump called the undertaker aside for a private little talk. "Please be sure to secure his toupee to his head very securely. No one but I knew he was bald," she confided, "and he'd never rest in peace if anyone found out at this point. Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they're through paying their last respects." "Rest assured, Mrs. Trump," comforted the under- taker. "I'll fix it so that toupee will never come off." Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving Donald's ancient corpse quite a going over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place. At the end of the day, a delighted Mrs. Trump offered the undertaker an extra thousand dollars for handling the matter so professionally. "Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your money," protested the undertaker. "What's a few nails?" Metropolitan Opera House At the evening performance, the head usher at the Metropolitan Opera House was quite surprised. During an intermission, one middle aged lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe that I was sexually harassed!" The usher didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon. At the end of the nights performance in an area close to the first complaint, a second little lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!" This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few guests had remained in the opera house, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on. He found one old man crawling along the opera house floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him."Excuse me, sir, can I help you?" A bald Donald Trump looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd found it twice, but they were both parted in the middle...and mine's parted on the side!"



























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Posted 1/29/16 , edited 1/29/16

Nyanotic wrote:

A music joke for all you inclined folks.


A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.


A grasshopper hops into a bar--The bartender says "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!", and the grasshopper says "Really? You've got a drink named Steve?"

But anyway, jokes:
A woman at the bridal shop is choosing a dress, and asks what color should be best--"Well, white is traditional for a first wedding," the girl at the shop replies, "but that's meant to suggest virginity. If that's not the case, it's best to go with a light spring color, like sky blue or spring green."
"In that case," the customer says, "I'll take white....With little blue polka dots all over! "
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M / The Nightosphere
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Posted 1/29/16

dragontackle wrote:

How do you cook a vegetable?

Cut the life support cords


What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.
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24 / M / PA
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Posted 1/29/16
A pirate walks into a bar and goes up to the counter.

The bartender says "Hey, you know you have a steering wheel on your pants?"

The pirate says "Arrg, it be drivin' me nuts!"
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Posted 1/29/16

lunarxx wrote:

*deep breath* Go!

What is Donald Trump telling Barack Obama supporters? Orange Is The New Black. Why are Mexicans so offended by Donald Trumps views on immigration? Because they can already see the wall he's going to build from space. El Chapo only escaped from prison to have a "talk" with Trump. What does Melania see in Donald Trump? "Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!" Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants? Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades! Trump: "It's not a toupee, I just found the Bush that Jeb lost." Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President elect? By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
etc.etc.
:phew:


During the Iraq war, Trump loudly bragged that he would, quote, "dance on Bin Laden's grave" if the terrorist were ever brought to justice.

This explains, for those who have ever wondered, why the Navy took the unusual precaution of immediately burying Bin Laden at sea, in the hopes that Trump would follow through on his promise and dance.
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15 / M / I wish i was in J...
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Posted 1/29/16
My social life
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18 / M / The Netherlands
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Posted 2/1/16
how do you know if a child predator is dutch? hey.....hey kid.....do you want to buy some candy?

person 1: he thinks clowns are from space.
person 2: clowns are from space!
Clown: wha......oh shit he knows!
person 2: oh shit i know!

person getting mugged.
person; well this night took a SHARP turn.
mugger: ughh......
*at the hospital*
doctor: cause of dead.....multiple stab wounds.
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33 / M / outer wall, level...
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Posted 2/1/16
why couldnt the kids get into the pirate movie?
because it was rated 'Arrrgh'

and thats about it, the rest are racist.
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20 / Cold and High
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Posted 2/1/16
I wish, I had a joke... but
..
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27 / M
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Posted 2/1/16
When I die I want to go like my grandfather, peacefully in my sleep, not kicking and screaming like the people in the back of his car.
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21 / M
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Posted 2/1/16
how do you put a baby in a jar?
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Posted 2/1/16
This one isn't mine but i thought i'd share:

"Listen, i'm not one to go around judging everyone's strange fantasies, BUT if you honestly want to have sex with a vampire, I'd say you're down for the count."
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