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Should I feel angry about this?
Posted 2/9/16
So I just found out that a childhood friend of mine is gay. He didn't tell me himself, but one of my other friends did. I'm kinda mad because he's pretty much told everyone else but me, including people he just met!

Now I'm not mad at the fact that he's gay, I could care less...we are friends no matter what. I'm just mad at the fact that he hasn't told me himself. Makes me really questions our friendship, but at the same time I feel silly.

So is it really justified for me to feel angry in this situation? I honestly believe friends should be able to tell each other things like this...
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Posted 2/9/16 , edited 2/9/16
Sometimes it's hard to tell people things - one of my closest friends took nearly a decade of adult friendship to tell me about his boyfriend, and I'm still not sure if some of our other friends know. Sure, a bit miffed that it took him so long to say so, but I know it's hard to open up like that sometimes, especially for fear of how others might react.

Honestly, in your kind of situation, I'd be more upset at the other friend for betraying a confidence. You don't say how they found out, whether by accident or intent, but certainly that person shouldn't be going around revealing something that your childhood friend apparently isn't ready to have in the open.

ETA - now, by saying he's telling people he's just met - is that what you hear from the second friend, the one who told you that your childhood friend is gay, or are you hearing it from lots of people?
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Posted 2/9/16 , edited 2/9/16
Does he know you know yet? Has this friend betrayed an agreement of confidence, or is he basically out but hasn't gotten around to telling you?
Posted 2/9/16 , edited 2/9/16

MakotoKamui wrote:

Sometimes it's hard to tell people things - one of my closest friends took nearly a decade of adult friendship to tell me about his boyfriend, and I'm still not sure if some of our other friends know. Sure, a bit miffed that it took him so long to say so, but I know it's hard to open up like that sometimes, especially for fear of how others might react.

Honestly, in your kind of situation, I'd be more upset at the other friend for betraying a confidence. You don't say how they found out, whether by accident or intent, but certainly that person shouldn't be going around revealing something that your childhood friend apparently isn't ready to have in the open.


Yeah, you do have a point there. I did consider that he may fear how I would react, but still. We've known each other for the longest time. He should know that I would still consider him a friend no matter what.

You're right that other friend shouldn't be going around revealing stuff like that. I didn't even ask him to tell me. We were just talking one day and he said, "Did you know ____ was gay?" So yeah.


BlueOni wrote:

Does he know you know yet? Has this friend betrayed an agreement of confidence, or is he basically out but hasn't gotten around to telling you?


No he doesn't know that I know. I still act and treat him the same way I always have. I assume he's basically out since everyone seems to know.
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Posted 2/9/16

Aeroclimatic wrote:


MakotoKamui wrote:

Sometimes it's hard to tell people things - one of my closest friends took nearly a decade of adult friendship to tell me about his boyfriend, and I'm still not sure if some of our other friends know. Sure, a bit miffed that it took him so long to say so, but I know it's hard to open up like that sometimes, especially for fear of how others might react.

Honestly, in your kind of situation, I'd be more upset at the other friend for betraying a confidence. You don't say how they found out, whether by accident or intent, but certainly that person shouldn't be going around revealing something that your childhood friend apparently isn't ready to have in the open.


Yeah, you do have a point there. I did consider that he may fear how I would react, but still. We've known each other for the longest time. He should know that I would still consider him a friend no matter what.

You're right that other friend shouldn't be going around revealing stuff like that. I didn't even ask him to tell me. We were just talking one day and he said, "Did you know ____ was gay?" So yeah.


Sometimes I think it's harder to tell people who've known you a long time stuff like that, than it is to let newer friends and acquaintances know. Like there's more at risk, or you're concerned because you think it might be harder for someone who has known you a long time to adjust to something about you that's different from what they think they know about you.
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Posted 2/9/16
A little, because he is a childhood friend. He should know you well enough to understand how you would react and realize that he would not loose a friend. People's minds play tricks on them and they worry over these type of topics. Outside of that, I agree with Dragon Mod.
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Posted 2/9/16
WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

this has happened to me!
everyone else knew about it, he didn't tell me himself. someone else told me!
granted, I had suspicions that he was gay from the beginning so i'm not surprised at all but it sucks that i wasn't told directly from him.

i'm over it though.
we're pretty much family so it's all kewl.
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Posted 2/9/16
I think if you are really close with him, he's probably just afraid of losing your relationship with him after he tells you, or it could also be that he assumed you've known it already, who knows? But the best thing to do is talk about it with him or at least let him know how you feel. It just sounds like misunderstanding to me.
Posted 2/9/16
Don't know. It could mean either way, he doesn't trust you enough or he doesn't want you to hate him. If it's the former, then yes you should be angry, but if it's the latter, you shouldn't be angry.

Only way to find out is to ask him why. I don't know what sort of person he is, but I see these situations tend to end up in dramas and circular talks, so if I were you, I would just forget it and go about as usual. Coming out of the closet is not an easy thing to do, it's HARDER to come out to close family and friends, just be aware of that.
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Posted 2/9/16 , edited 2/9/16

Aeroclimatic wrote:

No he doesn't know that I know. I still act and treat him the same way I always have. I assume he's basically out since everyone seems to know.


This complicates things dramatically. You should probably let your friend know that the other person has loose lips, that you know now, that you support him, and that you feel at least a little like he doesn't trust you. Be honest, but don't be adversarial about it.

Either way he needs to know that loose lips are sinking ships. He's out whether he planned to be or not now that someone's flapping their jaw.
Posted 2/9/16

MakotoKamui wrote:

ETA - now, by saying he's telling people he's just met - is that what you hear from the second friend, the one who told you that your childhood friend is gay, or are you hearing it from lots of people?


I just heard that from the second friend. I don't think he would have any reason to lie about something like that.


lorreen wrote:

Sometimes I think it's harder to tell people who've known you a long time stuff like that, than it is to let newer friends and acquaintances know. Like there's more at risk, or you're concerned because you think it might be harder for someone who has known you a long time to adjust to something about you that's different from what they think they know about you.


You do make a good point here. I really didn't consider that aspect.


Lifthrasir wrote:

i'm over it though.
we're pretty much family so it's all kewl.


I'm sure I will get over it too. It's just at the moment I feel angry.


BlueOni wrote:

This complicates things dramatically. You should probably let your friend know that the other person has loose lips, that you know now, that you support him, and that you feel at least a little like he doesn't trust you. Be honest, but don't be adversarial about it.

Either way he needs to know that loose lips are sinking ships. He's out whether he planned to be or not now that someone's flapping their jaw.


Thanks for that advice. I will be sure to bring it up with him and let him know. The last thing I want is all sort of complications.
Posted 2/9/16 , edited 2/9/16
Maybe he was scared of what you'll think of him
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Posted 2/9/16 , edited 2/12/16
No. That's not something worth getting angry over. Save your vitriol for more deserving targets like people who don't use their turn signals.
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Posted 2/11/16
I don't see a reason why you shouldn't be. He's probably not a real friend then.
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Posted 2/12/16
You have every right to be angry. Just try not to haphazardly blow up or anything without looking into it. Try and be tactful. There are many possible reasons why he hasn't informed you himself, and some are very delicate.
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Posted 2/12/16
No, it sounds to me like he's been telling people because he needs validation and would probably be more hurt if it were you that didn't approve.
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