Post Reply I need some advice for a story that I am working on
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25 / F / New Jersey, USA
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Posted 3/29/16 , edited 3/29/16
Let me know if a thread like this one exist or not.
Thanks a bunches.


So, I have this story that I posted on FictionPress called "Melancholia's Labyrinth" and I can really use someone's advice on what to do. I need someone who can review it and give stern criticism so I can make it better. So please when you have the chance review my work. Explain your comments in great detail because I need it. I need to know what is right and what is wrong.

https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3281493/1/Melancholia-s-Labyrinth

Enjoy!!!
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Posted 3/29/16
Sadly can't take a long look right now because I have finals starting this week but afterwards I would be very glad to check it out for you
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Posted 3/29/16

octorockandroll wrote:

Sadly can't take a long look right now because I have finals starting this week but afterwards I would be very glad to check it out for you


That is fine. Whenever you get a chance.
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Posted 3/30/16
I don't have time to read all of it now, but here are my initial comments -

The opening of pure dialogue without any description of context is a bit jarring for me. Are they disembodied voices in a sea of darkness or two people in the same room conversing with each other? Are they male or female voices? Is there an echo or other strange accoustics? When the other voice leaves do they become gradually fainter until they fade away or does the situation change on an instant?

The next issue is that you seem to be mixing up your tenses a little. You start off in past tense but immediately switch to present and future tense in places before the end of the first paragraph. "She opened her eyes...", "she get up off the floor...", "placed her hands on her hips...", "does not know where she is..." There are a few occasions where you can mix up tenses together in a legitimate way, such as past tense being the narration and the dialogue being in present tense, or with a past action being completed with future consideration - "he thought about the game and how they were going to win the trophy" - the action, thought, is in the past but the consideration is in the future. Other than the few legitimate uses of mixing tense, try to remain with one tense throughout the story. There may be a legitimate change of narration styles between scenes or chapters but make sure they are justified for the story you are telling as they can be jarring to the reader.

The next point is that you are often repeating the same words within one paragraph, which is a sure fire way to lose the interest of many readers. While some repetition is unavoidable, the general rule is that the more times you repeat, the more boring the text becomes to read; "thuds are growing louder...", "thuds were growing louder...", "the sounds gotten louder...". Try to mix in some alternative words either by using a thesaurus or inserting some onomatopeia to bring the scene to life "Was it her imagination or was there a sound at the very edge of her perception? Yes, there it was again a little louder, a slight tip-tapping in steady rhythm. No, actually it had become a dull thud but again with the same steady pattern. Wait a moment, she thought, whatever it is is getting closer..."

Well that is all I have time for now. If you want a more complete review I can take another look after I am back from work.
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Posted 3/30/16


Oh my gosh! Thank you so much!


Yeah, I can tell that I need to brush up my skills as a writer. But this isn't the final form though.
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Posted 3/30/16
Sadly, I might get rid of this story and try it again. I'll make a better version of this story and let you all read it later. Because this story was going to be ten chapters long anyway. The newer story will have3 more chapters and they will be much longer. Thanks for looking at the story though.

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