Creatures of the night
Though I stand alone in the darkness, fear is not what grips me. It's more of a simple kind of comfort. I wasn't ever one to be afraid of the dark, I felt at home. The cool air, the quiet that seems to have been ushered in. For normal people, sleep would be the only thing they would be doing at this time. Good thing I'm not normal in any way. Which is weird for me to say, there once was a time normal was all I ever wanted, but how can a creature as myself be normal? I began embracing myself as the creature I truly am. The night always felt right anyway, so it's fitting that I am what I am. Enough of me though this story isn't mine alone. Things go bump in the night, the kind of things your parents used to scare you. I am one of those things. I found that out after I turned 16. Let me tell you dying on your birthday isn't the greatest way to celebrate, but it's where this story begins.
The sun burned into my face, the pleasant warmth waking me. Sitting up I stretched and groaned. My body stiff from sleep popped and snapped. Excitement washed over me. I'm finally 16. I looked at the mirror on my desk. My unruly black hair had a mind of its own.my seawater green eyes stared back at me. My mother called me a heartbreak from early on, though I've never felt the need to be tied down long enough to break any hearts. I had few friends even. My phone interrupted my thoughts.
"Hello?" I answered.
"Happy Birthday Rikko." A familiar voice said happily.
"Thanks Gempo." I said with a laugh.
Akeri Gempo has been my best friend ever since I can remember. She was the only one able to get me to open up and enjoy myself.
"I'll be on my way to your party soon Rikko." Her voice had the excitement I felt.
We talked for several minutes, about the day and what the party might be like this year. We never knew the theme till last moment. My mother loved to surprise me. she tried really hard to make me live to the fullest and enjoy the things i had. she seemed to think she had to pick up the mantle my father had abandoned. so i did my best for her, smiling at every silly joke, every crappy pun. rolling with every prank she seemed to think up. today was going to be amazing though. my birthdays always seemed to go amazing. i walked down the stairs and saw my mother sitting at the table with her face in her hands.
"whats wrong mother?" i quietly asked.
"there cant be a party today Rikko, there is some things i need to talk to you about." her voice nothing but a mutter.
i hadnt noticed until know Akeri was siting there in the shadows.
"akeri?" i was in shock.
"Rikko sit down please." Akeri's voice was cold unlike a few moments ago when it had seemed so excited.
"whats going on. tel me right now! why am i not having a party??" i was confused and afraid.
"Rikko sit." Akeri demanded.
it was as if i couldnt disobey at all. my body seemed to move on its own.
"Rikko this will be confusing at first, but i am sure that you will understand soon enough." mom said stuttering through the tears streaming down her face.
i looked at her puzzled. this was the first time i had seen her cry since father left.
"Rikko theres something you should know about your father." Akeri said with a blank expression.
i looked at her with dismay.
"What do you mean? i asked.
"Your father was a lord vampire." Akeri said quietly.
"your crazy. mom tell her shes wrong!" i yelled.
my mother looked at me and shook her head.
"She's not sadly Rikko. your father was lord Drake of the southern isles." my mother said quietly.
i looked at her in disbelief, how could this be true.
"What does this mean? why does this have anything to do with me?" i asked my mind racing.
"Your father has fallen to his enemies Rikko. you are to become the next lord vampire of the southern isles. you will die tonight and be reborn." Akeri said quietly.
i was shocked. how could such a secret be kept from me for so long.
"....Why me though...." i muttered
"You are Drake's only son." Akeri said.
she stood up and walked to me. her arms open. i fell into them.
"It will be ok. i promise i wont leave your side." her whispers filled my ears.
a sharp pain filled my left side. i coughed. blood poured out of my mouth.
i brought my hand up and brushed her grey bangs out of her eyes.
"i forgive you. stay by my side forever Akeri. walk beside me to the end of time." i sputtered and fell to my knees. the last words i heard was from my mother.
"im sorry Rikko."
i fell into a darkness, the type that made you feel as if you were the only one in the world. a voice seemed to be calling to me, so familiar but strange at the same time. a form began to appear in front of me.
"Father?" i gasped
"Rikko, oh how I've missed you, you have grown so much." his voice sounded sad.
"whats happening to me? vampires arent real are they? i thought they were just a myth told to children to obey curfew?" i asked desperately hoping this was a nightmare, that i would wake up.
"Riko, vampires are extremely real. we are the guardians of Ektreal. there is so much to explain, so little time my son." he said.
"Why me? Why must i be the next lord vampire? what is a lord vampire?what else is real?" i asked running out off breath
"Rikko, my son. im sorry. the road ahead of you will be long and tedious. danger lurks around every corner and behind every table. i will try to explain as much possible with the little time we have. you are my only son Akeri was one of my servants i assigned to watch over you. she is the only one you can truly trust. you have to pick up my mantle because your my legacy, after i died my powers went to you. A lord vampire is a protector of the vampire kind, to be the staple between us and humans. there are 8 total lords. one of them had me killed. be careful my son, other creatures are real but we rule over them to. each lord is in charge of certain creatures. as youll soon find out. our time is over Rikko, i love you my son" my fathers voice left me in confusion and anger.
my mind raced to process the information i was just given. a bright light appeared in front of me, it kept getting brighter. i moved towards it cautious. then i heard a voice.
"this is the new master Akeri? this small half blood?" a rough voice scoffed.
"dont you dare talk down to me." i sputtered out.
propping myself up on my elbow i glared at the person who scoffed me. his shocked expression told me everything i needed to know about him.
"if i hear you talk down to me anymore i will have you dealt with. i am drakes son half blood or not i will cut you down." my voice flowed like poison. the man took a few steps back shocked. he bowed quickly.
"forgive me my lord." he stammered out
"Akeri help me stand if you would please." i asked quietly ignoring the man.
her face was in the same state of shock of my aggressiveness.she grabbed my arm and threw it over her shoulder.
"what is your name." i asked the man.
"mordancy my lord." he said still in bow.
"where am i mordancy?" i asked looking at him.
he was a large man, standing much taller then myself, his arms the size of trees with a beard to rivil most elders. thick red hair covered most of his face. an eye patch on his right eye. a large scar carved into the tan leather like skin.
"we are in the shimmering isles my lord. all you see is yours to command." he said.
"i figured we were at the shimmering isles but where are we." my voiced was like ice.
"the front gate my lord" he stammered.
i nodded. i lifted my arm away from akeri and started towards the giant metal gate in front of me. akeri watched me with weariness my body wasnt fully healed from whatever she did to me.
"Akeri my dear what did you do to me?" i asked hand on my left side.
"My lord... i had to take away your humanity. your one of the undead now." she said quietly.
"well my dear its quiet lovely." i mumbled
i couldn't let my guard down even in front of her. i didnt understand anything yet but i could act like i was ok with everything that was going on. in fact i wasnt calm in any sense. my mind was racing and if i had a heart beat im sure that would be racing to. i waved at mordancy to open the gate. he nodded and a single shove the gate was open. large trees lined the cobblestone path that wound up a hill. a large set of marble steps lead up to a large door way. a temple like building sat in front of me. red and gold lined everything. a tall full figured woman in a red and white kimono sweeping the ground. her long blonde hair flowed behind her shoulder. she turned to face me. her eyes where bright red. her lips turned into a fanged smile.
"is this our new lord morancy?"her voice was as sweet as honey.
he only nodded. she bursted into giggles. she rushed towards me. wrapping her arms around me shoving my face into her breasts.
"welcome home master im maki. the high priestess for shimmering isles." she said squeezing me
"Enough maki release the master before you corrupt him with your perverted ways." Akeri said
"mean aki." maki said sadly releasing me.
"thank you for the warm welcome maki." i said with a bow.
her face turned flush and she giggled.
"i like this one Aki." she giggled.
Akeri glared at her and grabbed my arm. we continued towards the main house. i saw many more people all bowed before me. the main house was surrounded with cherry blossoms. the steps where made from cherry lumber. a red carpet awaited me at the foot of them. the doors swung open. inside was a large room. in the middle was a fountain, a large stair case on either side. several maids and butlers were aiting.
"gather everyone in the throne room diako." akeri said to a silver haired butler.
he nodded and took of. akeri lead me through a long hallway and into a very large room with a chair to match its size sitting on the back wall. i walked to the chair and plopped down
"what now?" i looked at Akeri.
"you will address those you rule then meet the other lords. they are on their way now, but before i need to give you something. your fathers sword. it will turn iknto whatever weapon based on your personality, you will need to name it." she said as two maids came in with something wrapped in cloth. akeri grabbed the item and uncovered it. a katana in its sheath. a nice wooden glossed sheath with a giant ruby in the middle of it.
"grab the hilt." akeri told me.
i nodded and grabbed the hilt. i felt a surge inside of me, the blade started to change. in a mater of moments a large scythe lay in my hands. the pole black like the darkness, the blade red as blood. at the tip was gold.
"widows wail." i mumbled.
Akeri looked at the weapon in shock, i honestly was shocked myself. the weapon was massive yet lighter then any expectations i had.
"it will suite you." morancy said quietly.
Akeri glared at him for a second.
"widows wail huh? that sends shivers down my spine as much as the weapon itself. very un,ique my lord." Akeri said with a bow.
"Akeri come stand by my side. before i meet my subects i want to met these other lords.
i sat in that chair, hundred and one thoughts running through my mind, what could i do to prove myself to these other lords, these immortals who have been around a lot longer then me.
"Akeri how much do we know about these lords?" i asked quietly.
" there isnt much known but what they are called my lord."she answered me.
i looked at her. her face was filled with worry.
"Akeri, do not worry i shall be fine. i handled becoming a vampire fine now didnt i?" i said with a smile.
i felt my teeth on my lip.
"hand me a mirror." i said.
she handed me an elegant golden hand mirror. i looked into it. my teeth had two pointy fangs. my eyes had gotten brighter and my skin paler. i loked good. for a dead guy. i smiled. maybe this would be interesting. i handed the miror back to Akeri.
"my lord the first lord is here to see you." diako popped his head into the room.
"lead him in then." i said.
"her my lord." he corrected me on his way out.
i wasnt expecting a lord vampire to be a woman. my interest had been more then peeked. the door opened and in walked a young woman who looked just a bit older then myself. she wore a traditional kamono, on her hip was a large curved scabbard.
"i present lady Mokashaki the kiss of death." diako said with a bow.
her blue eyes seemed to scan my face, her hand lingering on the hilt of her blade
"if your going to draw on me do it. otherwise lets get this show on the road." i said cooly eyeballing her.
a faint smile appeared on her face,
"a cocky one or are you juat brave? either way i have no need to draw on you. i have a feeling your going to be interesting. you may call me moko what do i call you lord?" she said with a bow.
"i am Rikko, son of lord Drake." i said.
my eyes wouldnt budge of moko, she was absolutely stunning yet you could feel the danger she was capable of. She seemed to know that my interest was peeked.
"we shalt wait for the other lords. i will grant you the honor of sitting next to me so we can continue our conversation " i said waiving at diako to bring another chair.
He bowed and a moment later returned with a chair similar to the one i was sitting in. he placed it three feet from my left side. Moko bowed and proceeded to sit down.
"why is your nickname the kiss of death?" i asked looking at her.
"A long time ago i was involved with another lord, he wanted to overthrow all the lords and take over. i killed him while we kissed." she said looking away.
"living in regret will always hold you back, you saved the lords but sacrificed what you loved. im honored to be sitting here. if it werent for you who knows maybe i wouldnt be." i said with a smile.
her face looked shocked from my words.
" you are to kind my lord." she said quietly. her face seemed to ease a bit. she looked more relaxed.
"lord Rikko another lord has arrived." diako popped his head in.
"Diako just let them in when they get here." i said glaring at him.
he turned pale and nodded taking off. moments later the doors swung open and in walked a man. he carried a large dark looking hammer with a spike on one end. he looked gruff and battle worn.
"I present lord Wanaka The demon sledge."
Wanaka bowed and proceeded to move in front of me.
" Its an honor to met the son of lord Drake. he spoke of you often." Wanaka said gruffly.
"the honor is all mine Lord Wanaka." i said with a smile.
his eyes turned towards moko.
'I see shes already getting close to you." he grumbled.
"What do you mean by that." i glared at him, one hand on my widows wail.
he eyeballed my weapon and took a step back his grip on his sledge close to white knuckling.
"my lord i ment no offense she is not to be trusted." he said glaring back and forth between us.
"I hardly know either one of you yet here you are in my home. you shall respect each other or i shall teach you the meaning of the word." i said standing up.
he seemed to be amused of an idea of a fight, so he will have one. he took a step back swinging forth the hammer to both hands. he was slow, i knew if i could get behind him he wouldnt win. one hit of that sledge though i wouldnt walk away from this. i ran towards him, looking for an opportunity to get behind him. my widows wail seemed to be glowing. he took a mighty swing and i saw it, he took to high of an arch with his sledge. i rolled and got back to my feet as the sledge crashed to the ground leaving a crater were it hit. i swung my scythe and hit my mark. a large gash appeared in his back and he fell forward.
"i may be young but i will never back down from the right thing to do. hopefully this will teach you to respect women and show you i can handle myself. Diako please get someone to tend to lord Wanaka.
diako bowed and was off. i turned to moko.
"My deepest apologies my lady." i said with a bow.
"No need to apologize, i knew yould be interesting. not many can face the demon sledge saying they came out on top. it was an honor to see your strength and courage." she said bowing in return.
"Lord wanaka have you learned the meaning of respect?" i asked turning towards him.
he nodded and smiled
"You are just like your father in so many ways. he would of been proud of you lord rikko." he said sputtering up some blood.
Diako returned with the shrines priestess. he came upto me and whispered
"My lord we have trouble at the gates, the rest of the lords wont be coming today either." daiko looked worried i smiled.
"Everything will be ok my friend go gather everyone and bring them here. i will address them when i return.
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1) Fix your grammar. Its pretty bad. Capitalize the first letter of each sentence and use commas more often. There were a few times I read a sentence the wrong way because a comma was missing. If the reader notices punctuation (or the lack of punctuation), you are doing something wrong.
2) Your descriptions feel incredibly static. It feels like your main character is describing the environment instead of interacting with it. You seem to be thinking about events as "what is happening", but in a first person narrative, you should think "what is the character experiencing". I'd say the most obvious example of this is the beginning of the dream sequence. Your description basically amounts to "its dark" and thats about it. It doesn't feel like the character is actually going through these things, it seems like they are an objective outside observer.
3) Your dialogue is a bit awkward. I'm not entirely sure what you are going for. Sometimes it seems like you are going for a more old fashioned type speaking voice, using words like "shall", but it doesn't really make sense (and then he says "lets get this show on the road" which feels incredibly silly). The story is inherently a "fish out of water" story, so why does this random kid speak like he has been here his whole life? That is on top of the dialogue feeling very stiff at times and you having a big exposition dump in the middle of the second chapter.
4) I made this comment on chapter one, but the characters don't feel real. Within literally 5 seconds of being a vampire this random kid is already acting aggressive and demanding respect? Would anyone actually act that way? What about the father? He is the soul of a great vampire, yet with the dialogue you gave him I could easily imagine him in an apron cutting the crusts off of the kid's sandwich. How in the name of fuck does this random kid take to being a vampire so easily. He should be freaking the fuck out! That is probably my biggest complaint.
5) Pacing leaves me scratching my head. At the end of chapter 1 I though "oh, so the characters are saying 'you will die tonight' so he will have to come to terms with living his last day as a human, while coming to terms with death" and then he was dead. At the beginning of chapter 2, I though "okay, so theres going to be a conversation which develops the relationship between these characters and highlight how they feel about each other" but it was little more than an exposition dump. Write more. Tell me more about your story. There is no reason to condense everything so much. You could easily triple the length of your chapters and it would probably still feel like a breeze of a read.
6) I think you keep missing opportunities to do interesting things. As I already said, you could have done a lot of interesting stuff while developing the main character at the beginning of the story if you didn't kill him so quickly. Further, do you honestly think that meeting a vampire's soul in the afterlife would be as boring as "human figure shows up in the dark"? You could do amazing things with the imagery here, but you don't.
7) Your female characters. They aren't good. Akeri feels like nothing. Boobs McGee, the high priestess or whatever was introduced literally to shove her tits in your face and leave. She also feels like you plucked "big boobs girl" from a generic anime romcom and plopped her in to your fantasy drama about vampires. Weird. Then you introduce "The Kiss of Death" who seems to just be "sexy lady" character who is at the same time innocent and naive? The whole "don't regret it" exchange made no sense and wasn't delivered very well, and then you wrote it like you stole her heart in two seconds. No. Bad. Give your characters agency, don't make them slaves to the main character's will so easily. If feels like you are writing a bad harem show. And if you are writing a "this swooning lady will betray the main character," with her, it feels obvious and that doesn't really make her any less cliche.
8) Oh god, that action sequence at the end of chapter 3. Why would you do that do me? "I'm kid who has never fought before!" "I am battle hardened vampire lord! Oh no, you defeated me by dodging! How did I not see this coming!" "Haha, I am the good guy because you said a mean thing to a girl. I am best white knight, here to save the damsel. Are you impressed by my big dick my lady?" "Oh yeah, totally. You are amazing *swoon*". Le sigh. If you want to do a fight, make it feel like the main character is actually in danger. Have the lord ambush him and make him have to act, don't just make him fight because he wants to. Also, give the lord a good reason to fight him.
9) Adjectives are great, but don't use them as a crutch. It gets to the point where you are trying to tell the reader what to feel instead of letting them feel it themselves. Same goes with dialogue. If you feel the need to say "she said happily" or "he said coolly" and whatnot, it is probably because your dialogue isn't very strong. While there are exceptions, try to convey these emotions within the dialogue instead of outside of it.
10) His interest wasn't "peeked", it was "piqued".
11) For the forum, separate you paragraphs by an extra space and put each chapter in spoiler tags so we aren't greeted by a wall of text.
I think there is potential here to make a good story from this concept, I just feel like my brain keeps filling in a lot of interesting things instead of you telling them to me. You still haven't even given me a good description of the place they are in... Think more about your writing. Like, a lot.
What even is this thread?
well you see theres a great solution if you dont like it dont read it. i have received several complements on this. im not changing my style up for one person who cant be polite. Now that being said, this was something i was doing to be enjoyed by myself and whom ever felt like it was their cup of tea. im sorry that you felt it necessary to try and tear me down due to some spelling errors. i hope you enjoy the rest of your day sir.
New creative page is up. Will be updating soon
If all you got out of what I thought was constructive criticism, was that your spelling is bad, then I think you missed the point. If you don't want to take my criticism to heart and actually try to improve your art, that is up to you. Personally, as a writer and an artist, there are few things worse than someone saying "its good" and then leaving. That does nothing to help me to improve, and I am someone who wants to become better at the things I enjoy. Make of my comments what you will (and I will admit, I was a bit snarky at times) but know that I was only trying to help.
Best of luck with the rest of your story. If you would like me to clarify any of my points to better help you improve, I will gladly do so. If you would like me to not post any further feedback, I will regrettably comply.
What even is this thread?