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Post Reply Is this spooky?
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19 / M / east coast. Let t...
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Posted 5/12/16 , edited 5/12/16
Imagine you're in a dark hallway with a woman. She's wearing a white mannequin-esque mask and a frilly black dress
and boots. She has shoulder length, silky, black hair with white tipped curls. She holds a lantern with a blue flame. She wears opera gloves. A black on her right arm and a white on her left. She is pale except for a tar-black left arm with a long claw protruding from her pointer finger.Black tears stream down her mask and she drags her claw across the wall as her gentle singing voice fills the hall.
Is this spooky?
Do you know of any way to make it spookier?

EDIT: Uh. I guess I should have made it more clear that this isn't like a story. It's a bland description because it's meant to be a description with a small bit of context. It's not a written story. It's something I plan to draw. Allow me to rephrase the question. Do you like the design. How can I improve upon it?
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20 / M / Imoutoland!
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Posted 5/12/16
I don't think white tipped curls are as scary as black ends.
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21 / M / California
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Posted 5/12/16
No not really. I'm not too good at deciding what is and isn't spooky though.
Posted 5/12/16
ahha-- Zavin Have you been drinking today? or is this a fantasy
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83 / F / Bite the pillow.
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Posted 5/12/16 , edited 5/12/16
No, it's not spooky really. There's no context here.

Why should I be scared of her? Why am I with her? How do I know this isn't some costume party in New York? How do I know she isn't a transsexual looking for a bathroom? How do I know I didn't create her?

First, we need some context. I need to know why I should be scared of her.

Look, violence, I mean real violence, is simple. It's not nearly as stylized as Hollywood makes it out to be. Vet it a bit. Take away all her stylization and then re-build her slowly within some context. Give me a reason to be scared of her. Black tears are a dime a dozen.

The best fear is unassuming.
qwueri 
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Posted 5/12/16 , edited 5/12/16
Unless the imagery is in reference to something else earlier in the writing (?) the description is a bit too busy to really be spooky. One or two of those details could be used to make something surreal enough to be eerie, with the right setup and atmosphere.

I.e.: You are making your way down a dimly lit halway. One of the lights flicker, and you spot the silouette of a woman coming down the hallway. She is singing a soft, indistinguishable tune. As she draws closer, you notice a claw extending from her index finger, curling some of the old wallpaper off the wall as she drags it along.

Don't forget about atmosphere. Your initial description is so compicated that it implies you've had time to get a good look at her in a bightly lit hallway. Usually not the ideal setting to imply menace. It doesn't take alot of detail to make something scary, just enough to draw the reader in and convey a sense of unsafety.

Additionally, processing that many character details all at once will pull a reader out of the story. The visual design is fine, but you don't need to dump it on the reader all at once. Work in little details as the monster(?) draws closer, or as the reader needs to know in reference to the backstory. I.e. raven black hair just ahead of a part where the reader comes across a picture that looks eerily similar.
Posted 5/12/16
Not spooky, not nearly enough scary skeletons.
Posted 5/12/16

qwueri wrote:

Unless the imagery is in reference to something else earlier in the writing (?) the description is a bit too busy to really be spooky. One or two of those details could be used to make something surreal enough to be eerie, with the right setup and atmosphere.

I.e.: You are making your way down a dimly lit halway. One of the lights flicker, and you spot the silouette of a woman coming down the hallway. She is singing a soft, indistinguishable tune. As she draws closer, you notice a claw extending from her index finger, curling some of the old wallpaper off the wall as she drags it along.

Don't forget about atmosphere. Your initial description is so compicated that it implies you've had time to get a good look at her in a bightly lit hallway. Usually not the ideal setting to imply menace. It doesn't take alot of detail to make something scary, just enough to draw the reader in and convey a sense of unsafety.

Additionally, processing that many character details all at once will pull a reader out of the story. The visual design is fine, but you don't need to dump it on the reader all at once. Work in little details as the monster(?) draws closer, or as the reader needs to know in reference to the backstory. I.e. raven black hair just ahead of a part where the reader comes across a picture that looks eerily similar.


yep, this is a lot closer to spooky though i find it hard to find things eerie without a full blown story
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Posted 5/12/16
No. It's just a long description. As someone said, you may as well be at a costume party, and she's just wearing a campy costume. Firstly, add some actual actions into the scene to help introduce her. Ever heard the phrase "Show, don't tell". Also, add context. What were you or the character you're writing about doing that would explain why you'd be so especially scared of her. If I happened to meet her myself, my thoughts would be along the lines of "Okay, strange lady, moving on", with some hint of discomfort. For it to be truly creepy, it needs to evoke a particular feeling of "this is not right." Maybe you were in the bad part of town, or wandering around somewhere you simply shouldn't be. The character's feelings can also help convey the emotions you want the reader to feel. Maybe the character suffers of paranoia. Maybe you can write their thoughts on everything they suddenly feel can go wrong.
Posted 5/12/16
I don't get spooked by texts.
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Posted 5/12/16

Hail_King_Kakao wrote:

Not spooky, not nearly enough scary skeletons.


Posted 5/12/16
Depends what she's going to do next....
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Posted 5/12/16
How much xp is she worth? Does she have any good drops?
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Posted 5/12/16 , edited 5/12/16
The description was unnecessarily overkill and too overloaded in design. Plus you described it in a way that was pretty dull. I feel like you should describe as you add action rather than go on a description spree. I got unspooked from boredom half way through.
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Posted 5/12/16 , edited 5/12/16

ZavinRoyalheart wrote:

Imagine you're in a dark hallway with a woman. She's wearing a white mannequin-esque mask and a frilly black dress
and boots. She has shoulder length, silky, black hair with white tipped curls. She holds a lantern with a blue flame. She wears opera gloves. A black on her right arm and a white on her left. She is pale except for a tar-black left arm with a long claw protruding from her pointer finger.Black tears stream down her mask and she drags her claw across the wall as her gentle singing voice fills the hall.
Is this spooky?
Do you know of any way to make it spookier?


You're walking into a hallway, it's dark and damp. There's a faint smell of lavender and iron, like a femme fatale on the prowl.

For some reason, you hesitate to take another step forward. A shadow darker than black moves in your midst. The physique of a woman appears from the shadows. You are taken aback. Her face, porcelain and stiff, you see a cut extending her mouth to the side of her face, stitched up in a frivolous manner. You take a look into the holes on her face.

Eyes...

She doesn't have any.

The blackness of it matches the ethereal dress flowing around her body, as if she's floating on air. Her hair, billowing in curly strands, as if they were ebony serpents on fire. Her languid arms, attached to thin, long, and bony hands and rotting, claw-like fingernails. Dark tears roll down her ivory face, as she smiles sinisterly. The stitches rip from her lips, as she bears her teeth. They are stained with the blood you've been smelling in the air. Her teeth are gangly and sharp, as if they've been sharpened to points. They're smiling at you.

You hear the sound of a soft voice, humming to a lullaby. It resonates in the hallway and echoes through the walls. That voice starts to giggle in amusement.

You've been seduced. She's already sucking your soul.

You feel fingers, gently caressing your chest, it's tittilating. A sharp pain pierces you. There's no time for you to react, she's pulled your heart out before it could muster up another beat.

There's no time for your life to flash before your eyes...everything's already gone black.

You have become her eyes.



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