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Post Reply Is it wrong to ask if someone changed gender
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Posted 6/10/16 , edited 6/10/16

Nalaniel wrote:

Why do you think it's crucial that the person tells their closest friends that they're trans?


"Janice, we've been friends for a long time. I think we've gotten really close, and I'd really like to think of you as a sister to me. But before I can do that I'm going to need you to submit an unabridged copy of your medical records for me to keep on file to ensure that our friendship contract isn't voided by any preexisting conditions."
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Posted 6/10/16 , edited 6/10/16

Solefyre wrote:

So this thread is inspired by PV's thread here: http://www.crunchyroll.com/forumtopic-954835/how-to-tell-transgender-women-and-cisgender-women-apart?pg=0

A person (male or female) has interest in possible starting a relationship with another person they met. Do you consider it wrong if one asks the other if they have always been their current gender or if they have changed genders?

If you say no its not right, what if it is because the person asking is deeply religious and it would violate their personal core beliefs if the person was originally the same sex as them? What if they are looking for a partner to have biological children with? (Has science advanced far enough to put working testicles or ovaries into someone?)

If possible explain either way, this was people can discuss.



To start, I guess if all things are to be equal it shouldn't matter if its asked, because it would just be a preference the same as asking ethnicity or other background questions.


Since you specify "Starting a relationship" I'll answer that.

I think it's rude, insensitive, nosy, and all too common to ask a question like that out of the gate. No one should be interrogated about their private parts casually.

I also think a person should be judged on their own merits weather they are trans or OEM is a meaningless facet under most circumstances including the "getting to know you" converstational parts of courtship.

As a relationship progresses many things such as criminal record, risk of STIs, desires regarding children and the ability to father/mother them, and yes possible gender changes are all part of the full disclosure most people would desire from their partners and are reasonable if often difficult questions to ask.

I think gender change should be one of those difficult questions. Often it is not.

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Posted 6/10/16

papagolfwhiskey wrote:

Since you specify "Starting a relationship" I'll answer that.

I think it's rude, insensitive, nosy, and all too common to ask a question like that out of the gate. No one should be interrogated about their private parts casually.

I also think a person should be judged on their own merits weather they are trans or OEM is a meaningless facet under most circumstances including the "getting to know you" converstational parts of courtship.

As a relationship progresses many things such as criminal record, risk of STIs, desires regarding children and the ability to father/mother them, and yes possible gender changes are all part of the full disclosure most people would desire from their partners and are reasonable if often difficult questions to ask.

I think gender change should be one of those difficult questions. Often it is not.


The lady has it, methinks.
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Posted 6/10/16
I really think the only time it is ever appropriate would be in the context of wanting children. I can't relate personally, as I have no interest in kids... but I know for a lot of people it's a deal breaker.

Otherwise, no. It's no more your business what someone has or had between their legs than it is your business which way they wipe... and there's about as much benefit in knowing the answer to either.
Posted 6/10/16
That depends on how much I like the person, only then will I even care to ask
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Posted 6/10/16

DazaiShinju wrote:

I really think the only time it is ever appropriate would be in the context of wanting children. I can't relate personally, as I have no interest in kids... but I know for a lot of people it's a deal breaker.

Otherwise, no. It's no more your business what someone has or had between their legs than it is your business which way they wipe... and there's about as much benefit in knowing the answer to either.


Everyone has to make their own journey regarding the acceptance and understanding of a loved one being Transgendered. While I agree with you in principal I find it easier not to make it a big secret. Why should feel obliged to hide who you are and who you have been? I understand not every transgendered person is ready to come out of that closet, but it is a closet. Not a healthy place to be.


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Posted 6/10/16

papagolfwhiskey wrote:


DazaiShinju wrote:

I really think the only time it is ever appropriate would be in the context of wanting children. I can't relate personally, as I have no interest in kids... but I know for a lot of people it's a deal breaker.

Otherwise, no. It's no more your business what someone has or had between their legs than it is your business which way they wipe... and there's about as much benefit in knowing the answer to either.


Everyone has to make their own journey regarding the acceptance and understanding of a loved one being Transgendered. While I agree with you in principal I find it easier not to make it a big secret. Why should feel obliged to hide who you are and who you have been? I understand not every transgendered person is ready to come out of that closet, but it is a closet. Not a healthy place to be.




There is absolutely no reason to hide it. I agree - it should be a non issue - it certainly is in my book. A good friend of mine recently transitioned and she is completely open about it, and I applaud her. It leaves her open to a tonne of bullshit, but at least she knows who her friends are. I was coming from the angle of people wanting to know, in order to make judgements about that person.
I guess what I'm saying is that...From my point of view, I'm straight. I'd date a trans man, if I was attracted to him. It wouldn't bother me in the slightest, whether or not I discovered his status immediately or later on - but for a woman who wants kids, it might be different. This is all hypothetical, and I completely agree with your very well made point.

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Posted 6/10/16
So far pleasant conversation here. I await with trepidation the discovery of this thread by the Anti-social Justice Warriors.
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Posted 6/10/16
It's hard to be objectively correct in this issue. The answer is more in the subjective territory. It all depends on personal beliefs and judgements of the one in that situation. Even so, one step is necessary in order to have the best potential future possible. It is to reveal any modifications have been done to your body in order to make you be a certain gender.

Yes, I know that it may lead to the end of the relationship, but the greater mistake would be to continue in the deception and sustain a relationship that has no true love in it. True love is knowing the intimate secrets of your lover/friend and accepting them for who they are.
In any relationship it is important to be aware of the others feelings, and to not act according to your selfish desires.

Now the rest will lie with the other person. They will either terminate the relationship, or come to love you more for it. In any case if it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be. Trying to sustain an impossible relationship is cancerous and simply is a waste of your time. I honestly do hope that everyone can find happiness, but sometimes it is hard to attain.
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Posted 6/10/16

WillyP15 wrote:

It's hard to be objectively correct in this issue. The answer is more in the subjective territory. It all depends on personal beliefs and judgements of the one in that situation. Even so, one step is necessary in order to have the best potential future possible. It is to reveal any modifications have been done to your body in order to make you be a certain gender.

Yes, I know that it may lead to the end of the relationship, but the greater mistake would be to continue in the deception and sustain a relationship that has no true love in it. True love is knowing the intimate secrets of your lover/friend and accepting them for who they are.
In any relationship it is important to be aware of the others feelings, and to not act according to your selfish desires.

Now the rest will lie with the other person. They will either terminate the relationship, or come to love you more for it. In any case if it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be. Trying to sustain an impossible relationship is cancerous and simply is a waste of your time. I honestly do hope that everyone can find happiness, but sometimes it is hard to attain.


Two points. Objections if you will. based on my own bias. Deception is a harsh and unfair term. and Two, timing is everything. Transgendered people should not be forced to wear purple triangles on their chests in the name of some sort of 'necessity for the future'.


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Posted 6/10/16

papagolfwhiskey wrote:


WillyP15 wrote:

It's hard to be objectively correct in this issue. The answer is more in the subjective territory. It all depends on personal beliefs and judgements of the one in that situation. Even so, one step is necessary in order to have the best potential future possible. It is to reveal any modifications have been done to your body in order to make you be a certain gender.

Yes, I know that it may lead to the end of the relationship, but the greater mistake would be to continue in the deception and sustain a relationship that has no true love in it. True love is knowing the intimate secrets of your lover/friend and accepting them for who they are.
In any relationship it is important to be aware of the others feelings, and to not act according to your selfish desires.

Now the rest will lie with the other person. They will either terminate the relationship, or come to love you more for it. In any case if it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be. Trying to sustain an impossible relationship is cancerous and simply is a waste of your time. I honestly do hope that everyone can find happiness, but sometimes it is hard to attain.


Two points. Objections if you will. based on my own bias. Deception is a harsh and unfair term. and Two, timing is everything. Transgendered people should not be forced to wear purple triangles on their chests in the name of some sort of 'necessity for the future'.



I agree that I should have used a better term. I also agree that there is a time and place for everything, thats why I said it depends on the person and the situation.
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Posted 6/10/16 , edited 6/10/16
My inclination is to say yes, but more so to do with the phrasing itself. If you ask if someone changed genders, it carries the connotation that they once identified as the other gender and perpetuates the idea that people are cisgender until otherwise stated.

But asking if someone identifies as cisgender out of curiosity or getting to know people? I don't think anything terribly offensive. it's the type of question that if someone refuses to answer, I'd understand, but not one that I think makes you a terrible person to asking. But like many things, context is important.
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Posted 6/10/16 , edited 6/10/16
It's all that social etiquette that I have little inclination of. People are going to be different.

I do not shift around questions I want to ask. There is no point in me waiting an exasperating amount of time just to find out someone is a fuckwit. Who I am, what I'm looking for, and anything substantial that may be of issue will get laid out immediately.

I get that quite a number of transgenders don't like to parade it around, but if I were the transgender in such a situation I would be the one placing that on the table first. It be an easy indication to me if I'm about to tell someone to fuck off.

My personal opinion is that one should ask so that you can stop wasting time each other's god damn time. Yah know, instead of spending forever playing stupid games.


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Posted 6/10/16
In my opinion, no. If you're curious, it isn't harmful to ask if someone changed gender...

....oh wait. We're talking about "gender". Not "sex". I keep forgetting there's a difference.

Er, either way, it isn't harmful to inquire to that person. Or, rather, it shouldn't be harmful to inquire to that person. There's people who get uptight if you ask them, regardless of whether or not your curiosity was genuine.
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Posted 6/10/16
No, as long as you're not inconsiderate and respect their pronouns ; don't be a general douchewad.
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