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Post Reply Other stories ( Share your own, be opened with your ideas)
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Posted 6/14/16

Humms wrote:


qualeshia3 wrote:

.


Pretty basic opener. It seems you want to skip over the personal info and get right to the point. In all honesty you should actually start off with these three characters already together. For example at the end you bring up how they are part of a little click/ group doing various jobs, you should actually start off the story this way. Make them all contribute as they would normally, with your hero still proving to be the typical third wheel so to speak, but still having importance. Make them start off doing a job, sort of showing you a glimpse of what to expect, then you can transition into the thug scene so it can allow your hero to bring the story full circle. Claiming to be your typical hero saving the day so to speak, and how he came to be from these people he met, and not keeping readers in the dark for no particular reason.


Thanks for the advice.
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Posted 6/15/16
I need to read all you guy's stories soon @.@ So much stuff!
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Posted 6/19/16
Hi. Just wanted to leave this video around. By accident it turns out to be a good representation of the encounter described.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ba9pbCc9V_E
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Posted 6/19/16
I'm bad at coming up with stories, but I like to believe that I'm good at writing them when I get a good idea. That being said, I'd like to make a suggestion. Humms, I could tell instantly that both of your stories are almost completely dialogue, which can make a story sound bland. I'd recommend throwing in some other actions. Try to think of the story in real life. You might know what the characters are thinking and doing, but as a reader, I know absolutely nothing; only what's in the dialogue.

I also notice that you tend to have the narrator speak as if they are reading the story themselves, as if it was all in the past, or maybe describing a movie to a blind person who can only hear the narrator. There's nothing wrong with that, but you have to keep your tenses in mind. Also remember that dialogue is not everything in a story. Make sure you're also distinguishing who's talking as well. In Game and Pleasure (really liked this one despite), there was a lot of character speech switches, and I doubt that I was following any of them right at all.

I'm sorry if any of this sounds rude, but I love writing when I find time and a good plot to things. I want to try and help you as best as I can as well because of that. I might post my own chapter or something here if something comes to mind, but until then, sit tight.
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Posted 6/20/16 , edited 6/20/16

Seamless_Tunic wrote:

I'm bad at coming up with stories, but I like to believe that I'm good at writing them when I get a good idea. That being said, I'd like to make a suggestion. Humms, I could tell instantly that both of your stories are almost completely dialogue, which can make a story sound bland. I'd recommend throwing in some other actions. Try to think of the story in real life. You might know what the characters are thinking and doing, but as a reader, I know absolutely nothing; only what's in the dialogue.

I also notice that you tend to have the narrator speak as if they are reading the story themselves, as if it was all in the past, or maybe describing a movie to a blind person who can only hear the narrator. There's nothing wrong with that, but you have to keep your tenses in mind. Also remember that dialogue is not everything in a story. Make sure you're also distinguishing who's talking as well. In Game and Pleasure (really liked this one despite), there was a lot of character speech switches, and I doubt that I was following any of them right at all.

I'm sorry if any of this sounds rude, but I love writing when I find time and a good plot to things. I want to try and help you as best as I can as well because of that. I might post my own chapter or something here if something comes to mind, but until then, sit tight.


These stories are like visual novels, I write them as almost scripts. Though I can be descriptive worth jack squat most of the time, I make up in dialogue, because I would love to make them as comics or manga.

When I want to I can be descriptive, it just takes time.

The narrator speaking is actually the woman within the story showing you a glimpse of the future, past, and present , as she starts off within the heart of the story, then takes you back into the dense and crowded life within her past, and Segues into the lush present that is full of life that she herself has never known.

She is basically introducing you to the story as a person who has experienced change in survival, and it really sets up the plot in a way where you want to know how she got in this body she has developed over time, Winters morrow, a day of warmth is but a dream now, this is what we begin to understand.

My way of writing is very, cryptic and hard to follow if you can't grasp what the characters are really saying.

In game and pleasure I wanted to test out flow of conversation, I wanted to see if people could tell when a certain character is speaking by his personality . Chris being the calm collective guy who generally has the biggest back bone amongst all other characters, and he doesn't give into such Sexual desires when presented making him more approachable, which is why the girl takes a liking to him right away. You have Kevin being the fat, sort of gangster white boy who generally keeps the group in a good place, and his gameplay being this juggernaut who is constantly helping out, he's very up front, and comfortable around others. You got sap being the nerdy push over , who is very awkward around girls, but makes up for his awesome macro and skill, as a part of him stays collective when he focuses on the game, and a little bit of his personality comes out when he gets invested. You got Josh who is this smart ass, perverted, in your face clown who has a lot of energy, and doesn't know when to shut up at times, so you will see him doing most of the talking at times, and the girl, which I have no name for yet the snarky, sexy, bossy, and complete power house of a character, with that bit of a soft side.

I can see how you would get lost, frankly I was too lazy to actually say who is talking for certain parts, I mean I know who is, and that was really why I thought the flow would kind of speak for itself.

Go ahead and start creating, and thank you for the advice. I always love to see some fresh new minds
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Posted 6/20/16

DViper15 wrote:

Hi. Just wanted to leave this video around. By accident it turns out to be a good representation of the encounter described.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ba9pbCc9V_E


I kinda expected your style to be geared towards things like this. It's a little more imaginative to base your encounters with such unorthodox creatures. Personally I don't have the creativity to conjure such things but it helps to be bold in your creations.
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Posted 6/27/16
Sorry if I'm butting in or bothering anyone (I'm good at that), but I feel like I need some unbiased feedback.
I've been working on a trilogy of books (working title "Del Mar trilogy) that I hope can launch a literary universe (cinematic universe, only with books) that I've been designing for over a year (Del Mar was originally going to be stand-alone, but I found more story in it than I thought it had).
The basic plotline of the first trilogy is based on a lengthy learning experience of mine when we left our large house in town for an amenity-free house in the middle of nowhere that had been abandoned for 25 years (needless to say, I was less than happy).
Similarly, the protagonist of the Del Mar trilogy (name: David Lancaster) is sent ahead of his parents to the Hwydono (the "H" is not silent, but it still sounds like "I don't know") archipelago as they prepare for the lengthy business trip that is forcing them to move to the capitol city of said island chain. While he was given directions to the hotel he was supposed to stay at, he loses them and after getting well meaning (but false) advise from a pair of locals, he winds up in a cr@%py hotel on a more primitive island called Hwere (guess how it's pronounced).
While the displaced aristocrat believes his only challenge is surviving the odd customs and inhabitants of this island , he soon finds that he's been simultaneously thrown into a conspiracy involving an illuminati-like organization and a centuries-old cover up hiding some of the most fundamental truths of history.
IF I am in fact not intruding or getting on your nerves (yes, I am socially paranoid) and you are interested, I am willing to go into more detail (outlines, random information, book excerpts, etc). Either way, if you offer any suggestions, I ask that you be as bluntly honest as
you can be, I don't want to make any mistakes.
Thank you friends ^_^
Daws~
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Posted 6/27/16

Dawsbfiremind wrote:

Del Mar was originally going to be stand-alone, but I found more story in it than I thought it had


Yeah...I've been there too. My short story 15k word story turned into 80k words and over two years of writing haha.

Anyways, I'd say post an excerpt or two. I'll give em a read and tell you (quite bluntly) what I think.
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Posted 6/28/16 , edited 6/28/16
It took me a little longer to get this up here than I would've wanted thanks to my quest to find the right thumb-drive and find the excerpt I had in mind amid fighting off my "It's not perfect yet change this/that" mental voice that has run many of my stories into unintelligibility (even to me).
Just as a beforehand note, practically all of the things mentioned that are seemingly random (eg- the intercom announcements) are not useless, they all have a part in the later story. If they don't, then it's most likely a design Easter egg.
Finally, please note that due to this spawning from my imagination, everything in this world is not the same as it is in ours. In other words, cities that do exist (London) are mentioned alongside ones that don't (Niulima), names we don't normally see are given, and hair colors that we don't see (outside of anime) can occur.
Cleared up? Okay, here it is...
___________________________________________________________________________________________
May 10, 2023 - fifteen days before present events
David stared at the ceiling of the passenger jet, letting the weak air conditioning wash over his face.
“Good afternoon passengers,” a stewardess said over the intercom. “We are about to make our landing at Niulima International Airport. Make sure your seat belt is secure as we taxi in.”
David’s parents had been to Niulima, the capital of the Hwydono archipelago, just four months before.
Why they had visited the metropolis in the first place hadn’t been explained to David, but that was normal. His parents often left him at their estate while they went on long excursions that apparently had to do with various technology companies they owned. David had stayed at home during all of these trips, but evidently that time of being a bystander had ended.
His parents had explained to him that during their trip to Niulima, they had set up a business partnership with a company called the Sentinel Federation.
“What’s that got to do with anything?” David had asked.
His Dad’s hands had tensed when David asked that question. “Part of the partnership contract stated that if they called us for help, we would go to Niulima personally.”
David’s mother stepped forward. “They called us...apparently they’re initiating a big project which may take a year or more.” She looked up at her son. “We’re going to have to move to Niulima for a short time.”
David clenched his teeth to keep himself from biting his tongue as the plane landed. His parents had explained that he would be sent ahead of them by about a week while they made sure everything would remain in working order while they were gone.
“Don’t forget this,” his mother had said, holding up a slip of paper. “I’m putting it in your check-in luggage, it’s the directions to the hotel you’ll be staying at.” David hadn’t bothered to look at the slip of paper, as he figured he wouldn’t need it until he got to his destination.
He walked out of the airplane and was hit by a wall of humid heat.
“Wow.” If this is the average weather here, he thought. I’ll have to stay inside.
Practically running, David, burst through the doors and into the air-conditioned terminal. He slowly exhaled in relief. We didn’t have this kind of weather in Britain. What’s wrong with this place?
Recovering, he began to make his way to the baggage claim, listening to the automated voice blaring announcements for any sign that there was anyone there to pick him up.
“Welcome to Niulima, the third most advanced city in the world...”
Blah blah blah. Just tell me if there’s anyone here for me.
“Ulupo Qarsoodi, your party is waiting for you.”
Not me. Don’t care.
“Gezane Perales, we have your luggage, please come to the lost and found.”
Nope.
“Dai Thi Ngu, your party has informed us they will be late.”
David gripped at his hair with one hand. “You’ve got to be joking.”
He made it into baggage claim and stood with the rest of the passengers from his flight at the conveyor belt to get his luggage.
Five minutes passed, and his bag didn’t show up.
Then ten...
Then twenty...
David gritted his teeth. Can today get any worse? He went to the front desk at the baggage claim. “Hey, my check-in bag hasn’t come in yet.”
The woman behind the desk looked at her computer monitor. “Name and flight please.”
“David Lancaster, London flight eight-nine-eight.”
She scanned the list. “Sorry,” she turned the monitor so David could see. “there’s no luggage under the name Lancaster in that flight.” She went to another list. “Or any of our flights for that matter.”
“Crud,” David said, walking away. “I don’t have time for this.”
He made his way to the exit of the terminal, muttering to himself.
“Now I’ve got to try and find a hotel in the middle of this city. What good of a hotel can be in a weird city like this anyway?”
“Excuse me-”
David turned and saw a dark-haired boy slightly taller than him with a radio communicator on his belt and a pink-haired girl about the same height looking at him.
“You said you’re looking for a weird hotel?” the boy asked.
David shrugged. “I guess so.”
The boy smiled. “There’s a guy at the docks right now whose sister runs a hotel like that, probably the one you’re looking for.”
The girl brushed a strand of hair out of her face and bent down slightly as if she was talking to a kid much smaller than David.
“Just go out the exit and turn left. The docks will be to your left about four or five blocks. The guy looks like a giant sea captain. You won’t miss him.”
At least someone knows something, David thought. “All right. Thanks guys.”
The boy grinned. “Don’t worry. I’m Leo by the way, and this is Sauria.”
Sauria waved slightly. “Hi!”
David didn’t bother turning back to face them as he ran for the exit. “David!” he shouted at them before going out the door.
“David, eh?”
Leo turned to see a tall black haired woman standing behind him. “Sis!” he shouted, running up to her. She dropped her check-in luggage and hugged him. “You haven’t changed at all, jungle boy.”
Sauria came up. “Can I hug you too Shadow?” Shadow laughed, nodding. “All right. I’m glad you came too, I haven’t seen you since I left on my last job.” Shadow looked up at Leo and pointed at the exit. “Who was that?”
Leo picked up Shadow’s luggage and looked at the exit as well. “A British guy by his accent. He was looking for Zo’s hotel.”
Shadow raised an eyebrow. “Are you certain?” Leo discreetly looked away. “...No...”
“He did say something about having to find a weird hotel though,” Sauria said. “So it’s highly likely it was Zo’s.”
Shadow twisted her mouth in thought. “Either way, this’ll be fun to watch.”

David had finally made it to the docks. “Oof,” he muttered. I’ve sweat enough to drown a grown man.
“Can I help you?” asked an enormous bald man.
“Uh, yeah,” David said, looking up at the man. “I was told that there was I guy I was looking for here.” The man raised an eyebrow “Who?”
David began to feel small compared to the giant. “I don’t know his name. All I know is that his sister owns a weird hotel.”
Both the man’s eyebrows shot up and he turned towards a rusty fishing vessel with the name Happy Python written on the side. “Hey Doggilus, that sounds like you!”
Another giant man with black hair and a scraggly beard stood up from his seat on the deck and made his way to where they were standing. “I wouldn’t doubt it,” he rumbled. “You make some sort of special reservation?”
“My parents did for me,” David said, feeling even smaller.
The bearded man shrugged. “I believe you. After all, Zo never tells me when a reservation guest is coming and you don’t look like a terrorist.”
The bald man laughed as he walked away. “What terrorist would attack you guys anyway?”
The bearded man rolled his eyes. “I’m Fritz Doggilus, but call me Bounce. Most people do.”
David shook his hand. “I’m David. How did you get a nickname like that?”
Bounce began walking towards the boat. “It has to do with a fishing accident I had when I was a kid. I got run over by one of those amphibian planes while standing in my Dad’s fishing vessel and skipped across the water like a stone. Been called Bounce ever since.”
“Oh,” David said. That makes no sense.
Bounce tuned the boat’s radio. “Leo, can you hear me?”
Leos voice came over the speaker. “Loud and clear Bounce!”
“Hey, I just picked up some guy that says he’s got a reservation at Zo’s. You still staying in the city?”
“Yeah. Sis and I are going to stay here with Mom a few days so you can go ahead. Glad to hear Dave found you.”
Bounce looked at David. “You met him?”
There was a crackle of static before Leo answered. “Yeah. We directed him to you after he said something about looking for a weird hotel.”
Bounce seemed to suppress laughter. “I understand. Take care guys.”
“You too Bounce.”
Bounce hung up the radio. “Now we can leave.” He started the boat’s engine.
“You mean the hotel isn’t in the city?” David asked.
Bounce shook his head. “Nope. It’s on a smaller island a little ways off. An island called Hwere.”
__________________________________________________________________________________________
There it is, it may not be as good as the other designs I've seen on this thread, but my opinion is more than likely biased.
Thanks guys.
(edit note: had a couple of rouge underscore lines, I didn't edit the excerpt)






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Posted 6/28/16

Dawsbfiremind wrote:
There it is, it may not be as good as the other designs I've seen on this thread, but my opinion is more than likely biased.
Thanks guys.


Okay, well, heres my input:
1) I think your descriptions could use more. They are functional, but not particularly colorful. Now, what you choose to go into detail about is up to you (no sense spending three pages describing some random trash can, right?), but I do think that you could use more detail about something. This refers to the very light world building, as well as your matter-of-fact writing style in general. Now, the matter-of-fact style isn't bad (I do actually like it), but it does come off as a little stiff at certain parts and I think a little more description (not just establishing what is happening but establishing the relationship between the main characters and what is happening) would go a long way. I also think your setting doesn't feel entirely like what you made me expect, so I think giving a more clear picture of it would make it easier for you to fill out a consistent world instead of me holding together a patchwork of assumptions in my head.

2) If a different person is speaking, make another paragraph. There are a few instances where you had multiple people's dialogue in the same paragraph which threw me off a bit.

3) You've got some flamboyant punctuation here and there, with your "...No..."s and whatnot. I think that type of thing can largely be formalized and converted to text (if necessary). Additionally, I don't think you really need to write out things like "Oof" in dialogue.

4) Is David sheltered and naive? He feels like it. "Go to the docks" sounded super sketchy, and he just went along with it. It feels like he is entirely lacking in street smarts. Also, not sure if this is intentional, but he didn't actually say anything about a "weird hotel" like the kids said he did. I get the feeling thats what your going for, but I figured I'd mention it just in case.

Overall, I like it. Its charming and I think your world has potential. I can't say much about the story at large, but I think it could be fun. Just paint a more clear picture and loosen up a little bit of the stiffness and you will be good to go
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Posted 6/28/16

sundin13 wrote:


Dawsbfiremind wrote:
There it is, it may not be as good as the other designs I've seen on this thread, but my opinion is more than likely biased.
Thanks guys.


Okay, well, heres my input:
1) I think your descriptions could use more. They are functional, but not particularly colorful. Now, what you choose to go into detail about is up to you (no sense spending three pages describing some random trash can, right?), but I do think that you could use more detail about something. This refers to the very light world building, as well as your matter-of-fact writing style in general. Now, the matter-of-fact style isn't bad (I do actually like it), but it does come off as a little stiff at certain parts and I think a little more description (not just establishing what is happening but establishing the relationship between the main characters and what is happening) would go a long way. I also think your setting doesn't feel entirely like what you made me expect, so I think giving a more clear picture of it would make it easier for you to fill out a consistent world instead of me holding together a patchwork of assumptions in my head.

2) If a different person is speaking, make another paragraph. There are a few instances where you had multiple people's dialogue in the same paragraph which threw me off a bit.

3) You've got some flamboyant punctuation here and there, with your "...No..."s and whatnot. I think that type of thing can largely be formalized and converted to text (if necessary). Additionally, I don't think you really need to write out things like "Oof" in dialogue.

4) Is David sheltered and naive? He feels like it. "Go to the docks" sounded super sketchy, and he just went along with it. It feels like he is entirely lacking in street smarts. Also, not sure if this is intentional, but he didn't actually say anything about a "weird hotel" like the kids said he did. I get the feeling thats what your going for, but I figured I'd mention it just in case.

Overall, I like it. Its charming and I think your world has potential. I can't say much about the story at large, but I think it could be fun. Just paint a more clear picture and loosen up a little bit of the stiffness and you will be good to go :D




I have to admit that you gave less negative advice than I expected. Thank you very much for your words.
Perfectly enough, these are actually the problems I was bouncing around in my head to begin with. For instance, it used to be more richly described, but I freaked out about succumbing to "over-description" syndrome (like in your trash can example). Thusly, I toned it down (probably due to the idiot in my head named Daws that I mentioned has ruined multiple stories of mine).
I'm glad you like it, and now I'll have a good reference code from an unbiased observer.
Thank you very much friend!
Daws
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Posted 6/28/16 , edited 6/28/16

Dawsbfiremind wrote:

I have to admit that you gave less negative advice than I expected. Thank you very much for your words.
Perfectly enough, these are actually the problems I was bouncing around in my head to begin with. For instance, it used to be more richly described, but I freaked out about succumbing to "over-description" syndrome (like in your trash can example). Thusly, I toned it down (probably due to the idiot in my head named Daws that I mentioned has ruined multiple stories of mine).
I'm glad you like it, and now I'll have a good reference code from an unbiased observer.
Thank you very much friend!
Daws


Yeah, I don't know where the line is when it comes to over-describing things. I hope I haven't crossed it in my own stories, but when your so close to your own work, its hard to tell. For me, the key is that the descriptions need to tell add something to the story. A lot of it involves setting the tone, conveying emotions and developing the setting, not just building directly onto the plot. I also try to ask myself "what would the characters be noticing about the scene", as that can also add to their own personalities and keep things from wandering too much.
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Posted 6/28/16
Description tip for writers on this thread- use my caption as a reference of too little description. As a reference for too much description, see the Inheritance franchise of books (the opening of Eragon is especially good for this).
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Posted 7/4/16
A short I burned out a while back and am returning to expand upon. This is it as it was finished before

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Posted 7/4/16
Here is another story for you all

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