What even is this thread?
I really like the stories you chaps write and think that good things could come of your creativity. Now if only one of us could finish something (I am hereby guilty of such).
Anyway, I revised my caption (and figured out that it would be a good idea to use the "spoiler" option to cut down on post size) and wanted to see if it was any better. I think it came out better, but maybe that's bias. Either way, there's more description and a few more parts in the story that built the story in the direction I want it to go (especially for the future installments).
Whether or not you review this, I'd like to thank you guys for letting me yammer on here.
May 10, 2023 - fifteen days before present events
David stared at the ceiling of the passenger jet, letting the weak air conditioning wash over his face.
“Good afternoon passengers,” a stewardess said over the intercom. “We are about to make our landing at Niulima International Airport. Make sure your seat belt is secure as we taxi in.” At the announcement, the other passengers began to stir and collect the things they had gotten from their carry-on luggage, talking to each other all the while. David adjusted his headphones so he knew they looked like he was listening to something so he wouldn’t have to join in.
David’s parents had been through the same grueling twenty one-hour flight to Niulima just four months before, but in their case they had flown in their private jet. David had been sent through public airways simply so they could come in on that jet on their trip. At least they sent me through first class, David thought. He had heard nothing but rabble from business class up until the time he put his headphones on, as if there was a crowd of people waiting for a concert to start underneath him.
Either way, I can’t imagine what kind of people are down there, David wondered. Probably a bunch of unhinged idiots. No wonder Mom and Dad went on the private airplane.
Why his parents had visited Niulima in the first place hadn’t been explained to David, but that was normal. His parents often left him at their estate while they went on long excursions that apparently had to do with various technology companies they owned. David had stayed at home during all of these trips, but evidently that time of being a bystander had ended.
His parents had explained to him that during their trip to Niulima, they had set up a business partnership with a company called the Sentinel Federation.
“What’s that got to do with anything?” David had asked.
His Dad’s hands had tensed and his pupils had shrunk when David asked that question. “Part of the partnership contract stated that if they called us for help, we would go to Niulima personally. Their represetitive, a guy named Elojis Con, didn’t seem like someone to argue with.”
David raised an eyebrow. “If he scares you that much, why did you agree to a business deal with him?”
David’s mother stepped forward, wringing her hands together. “They called us...apparently they’re initiating a big project which may take a year or more.” She looked up at her son. “We’re going to have to move to Niulima for a short time.”
David clenched his teeth to keep himself from biting his tongue as the plane landed roughly. What kind of pilot is this guy? he wondered.
David’s parents had explained that he would be sent ahead of them by about a week while they made sure their main company would remain in working order while they were gone.
“Don’t forget this,” his mother had said, holding up a slip of paper. “I’m putting it in your check-in luggage, it’s the directions to the hotel you’ll be staying at.” David hadn’t bothered to look at the slip of paper, as he figured he wouldn’t need it until he got to his destination. I just hope it’s a good hotel, he thought. Not one of those cheap ones like they have in America.
David observed the city from the outside of the window, squinting at the brightness. The city had been built in a tight cluster, the towering skyscrapers appearing to almost touch each other. Even so, they maintained a strange sense of balance, and they ringed a titanic building that stood in the city’s center.
That thing’s at least five times the size the other skyscrapers, David thought while looking at the giant building. What’s in it?
The intercom beeped as the head stewardess keyed the microphone. “You may now exit the plane at your leasure. Be aware that your carry-on luggage may have shifted during the flight, so be careful when taking it out. We would like to thank you again for flying with us again and we hope you enjoy your time in Niulima.”
David stood up and took down his backpack. He briefly considered stuffing his headphones back into it, but decided against it.
After all, he reasoned to himself, slinging the backpack over his shoulders. I may come across someone who wants to talk.
David walked out of the airplane, careful to not be caught up in the crushing flow of passengers eager to get out of the plane, and was hit by a wall of humid heat upon crossing the threshold.
He gasped, suddenly feeling as if his lungs had had all the air emptied out of them. If this is the average weather here, he thought. I’ll have to stay inside. He squinted as he glanced upwards. It's too bright here. All the more reason I should stay inside.
Hearing a crash, he looked back at the airplane. The baggage recovery crew had dropped a load of bags and was struggling to get them back together. One bag had opened when it fell and a piece of paper blew out and towards the airstrip before a man caught it in mid air. The man was of average height and was well built, but the skin around his head was tight across his skull as if he was partially mummified. That accompanied by the fact he was bald made him look as if someone had stretched skin over a skull and set it on top of a martial artist’s body.
The man considered the note in his hand for a moment before scanning the passengers exiting the airplane. His dark eyes paused when they met David, upon which he trotted towards the baggage handlers.
He must be going to help them, David thought. Either way, that guy creeps me out. I hope the natives aren’t like that here.
Walking as fast as the heat allowed him, David burst through the doors and into the air-conditioned terminal. He slowly exhaled in relief, feeling air return to his lungs. We didn’t have this kind of weather in Britain. What’s wrong with this place?
Having recovered, he began to make his way to the baggage claim, listening to the automated voice blaring announcements for any sign that there was anyone there to pick him up.
“Welcome to Niulima, the third most advanced city in the world...”
Blah blah blah. Just tell me if there’s anyone here for me.
“Ulupo Qarsoodi, your party is waiting for you.”
Not me. Don’t care.
“Gezane Perales, we have your luggage, please come to the lost and found.”
“Dai Thi Ngu, your party has informed us they will be late.”
David gripped at his hair with one hand. “You’ve got to be joking.”
He made it into baggage claim and stood with the rest of the passengers from his flight at the conveyor belt to get his luggage.
Five minutes passed, and his bag didn’t show up.
David gritted his teeth. Can today get any worse? He went to the front desk at the baggage claim, sliding off his headphones as he went. “Hey, my check-in bag hasn’t come in yet.”
The woman behind the desk looked at her computer monitor. “Name and flight please.”
“David Lancaster, London flight eight-nine-eight.”
She scanned the list. “Sorry,” she turned the monitor so David could see. “no luggage under the name Lancaster has arrived in the terminal for that flight.” She went to another list. “Or any of our flights for that matter.”
“Crud,” David said, walking away. “I don’t have time for this.”
He made his way to the exit of the terminal, muttering to himself.
“Now I’ve got to try and find a hotel in the middle of this city without directions. What good of a hotel can be in a weird city like this anyway?”
David turned and saw a pair of people looking at him. One was a dark-haired boy slightly taller than David. He wore a white dress shirt that looked as if he had jumped into a dirty river while wearing it several times before and faded blue jeans that had tears in them as well as apparently permanent grass stains. His bright blue-green eyes contrasted sharply with his bronze tan, making David feel uncomfortable as the boy studied him.
The other person was a girl as tall as the boy with messy pink hair pulled back into a semblance of a ponytail. She wore a white shirt that exposed her midriff above pants with similar rips and stains to the boy’s, which didn’t seem to be meant for the same climate as the small jacket tied around her waist. Her ice blue eyes looked at David as if he were a small child.
Are these what the locals are like? David wondered to himself.
“You said you’re looking for a weird hotel?” the boy asked.
David shrugged. “I guess so.”
The boy smiled. “There’s a guy at the docks right now whose sister runs a hotel like that, probably the one you’re looking for.”
Docks? What kind of people stay at the docks when they own a hotel?
The girl brushed a strand of hair out of her face and bent down slightly as if she was talking to a kid much smaller than David.
“Just go out the exit and turn left. The docks will be to your left about four or five blocks. The guy looks like a giant sea captain. You won’t miss him.”
David bit his lip, considering his options. This doesn't sound like a good idea. How do I know this is the right hotel these people are talking about? He frowned, berating himself for not reading the directions his mother had put in his check-in luggage. I don’t exactly have any other options at this point, unless I want to sleep out on the streets.
David nodded slowly, hoisting his backpack. “All right. Thanks guys.”
The boy grinned. “Don’t worry. I’m Leo by the way, and this is Sauria.”
Sauria waved slightly. “Hi!”
David didn’t bother turning back to face them as he ran for the exit. “David!” he shouted at them before going out the door.
Leo turned to see a tall woman with black hair that looked like a female version of himself standing behind him. “Sis!” he shouted, running up to her. She dropped her check-in luggage and hugged him. “You haven’t changed at all, jungle boy.”
Sauria came up. “Can I hug you too Shadow?” Shadow laughed, nodding. “All right. I’m glad you came too, I haven’t seen you since I left on my last job.” Shadow looked up at Leo and pointed at the exit. “Who was that?”
Leo picked up Shadow’s luggage and looked at the exit as well. “A British guy by his accent. He was looking for Zo’s hotel.”
Shadow raised an eyebrow. “Are you certain?” Leo discreetly looked away. “...Not exactly”
“He did say something about having to find a weird hotel though,” Sauria said. “So it’s highly likely it was Zo’s.”
Shadow twisted her mouth in thought. “I doubt it. Either way, this’ll be fun to watch.”
David finally made it to the docks after traversing close to twelve blocks from the airport. I think that girl’s directions are a little faulty, David muttered in his mind. He used a hankercheif to wipe off the film of sweat that had gathered on his face. I’ve sweat enough to drown a grown man.
An enourmous, balding man with a grey beard that nearly brushed his knees lumbered up to David. “Can I help you?” he asked.
“Uh, yeah,” David said, looking up at the man. “I was told that there was I guy I was looking for here.”
The man raised a bushy eyebrow “Who?”
David began to feel small compared to the giant. “I don’t know his name. All I know is that his sister owns a weird hotel.”
Both the man’s eyebrows shot up and he turned towards a rusty fishing vessel with the name Happy Python written on the side. “Hey Doggilus, that sounds like you!”
An even larger man with greying black hair and a scraggly black beard stood up from his seat on the deck and slowly made his way to where they were standing. “I wouldn’t doubt it,” he rumbled. “You make some sort of special reservation?”
“My parents did for me,” David said, feeling even smaller.
The bearded man shrugged. “I believe you. After all, Zo never tells me when a reservation guest is coming and you don’t look like a terrorist.”
The balding man laughed as he walked away. “What terrorist would attack you guys anyway?”
The bearded man rolled his eyes. “I’m Fritz Doggilus, but call me Bounce. Most people do.”
David shook his hand. “I’m David. How did you get a nickname like that?”
Bounce began walking towards the boat. “It has to do with a fishing accident I had when I was a kid. I got run over by one of those amphibian planes while standing in my Dad’s fishing vessel and skipped across the water like a stone. Been called Bounce ever since.”
“Oh,” David said. That makes no sense.
Bounce tuned the boat’s radio. “Leo, can you hear me?”
Leos voice came over the speaker with a burst of static. “Loud and clear Bounce!”
Bounce leaned against the boat’s wheel. “Hey, I just picked up some guy that says he’s got a reservation at Zo’s. You still staying in the city?”
Leo grunted in the reciever. “Yeah. Sis and I are going to stay here with Mom a few days so you can go ahead. Glad to hear Dave found you.”
Bounce looked at David. “You met him?”
There was a crackle of static before Leo answered. “Yeah. We directed him to you after he said something about looking for a weird hotel.”
Bounce’s eyes glimmered and he seemed to suppress laughter. “I understand. Take care guys.”
“You too Bounce,” Leo said, hanging up.
Bounce hung up the radio. “Now we can leave.” He started the boat’s engine.
“You mean the hotel isn’t in the city?” David asked.
Bounce shook his head. “Nope. It’s on a smaller island a little ways off. An island called Hwere.”
(caption taken from "Del Mar- Cartel" chapter 2 "Recounting")
Didn't find a rule against bumping a forum post, so here it is .
I think your additions did make the writing stronger overall, but I think they could be more targeted. Some of the comments I don't think were entirely necessary and others I think could be moved around and reworded a bit to make them seem more natural.
Take for example, when David meets the other characters (Leo and Sauria).
1) Putting all of that text right up front slows down the pace, so it makes it seem like David just turned and stared at them for like 60 seconds before anything else happened. I'd say move the descriptions of Sauria down to when she actually says something. Also, you don't have to put all of that up front (depends on how you want the scene to be paced). You can give a brief explanation about what catches David's eye first, and then make the character do something which draws his attention elsewhere. For example, you could talk about his face, have him say something, then reach into his pocket causing David to look down and see his ripped jeans. Again, it depends on what you want to do with the pacing, but think about it.
2) I try to avoid using phrases like "David saw a man". Instead I try to put it more naturally by saying "A man stepped up to David". My rule of thumb is to avoid mentioning senses (although all rules are meant to be broken if you have a reason). I find it makes the descriptions seem more natural and feel more in the story.
3) "His bright blue-green eyes contrasted sharply with his bronze tan, making David feel uncomfortable as the boy studied him." Does the contrast of his eyes/tan make David uncomfortable or does the boy studying him make him uncomfortable? And why? Also, I feel like you could abide by the "show don't tell" rule a little more closely here. Overall, I think you could do more to subtly hint at what these characters should be making the reader feel.
What even is this thread?
Well carp, it seems that if I fix one thing, another problem appears (perhaps I refer to the writing of these books as "project hydra").
Either way, thanks guys. This book shall be written to the best of the ability given to me (not to perfection, but I'm not expecting a NYT record anyway), and I shall see to it that you chaps are credited.
Hello~ If anyone wants to read this and give me feedback, I'd really appreciate it.
It's a fantasy/mystery story about a character who has to stand in for a prince in a magical world. I'd love to hear what you think~
. . .
http://www.animenewsnetwork.com/interest/2016-07-08/light-novel-contest-overwhelmed-with-alternate-world-entries/.103996 <-- after reading this, I'm a little embarrassed about writing a going-to-another-world thing, but I hope mine's not that bad...
What even is this thread?
Here, on my site. >> http://www.lavendermintrose.com/?page_id=577
. . . I had no idea it was doing that, wow. I tried it before logged out and it didn't do that.
That site is really temperamental, and the community and the rest of the work there are pretty immature, so I think I'm just going to move it to my own blog altogether... problem then is finding an audience, but, well...
I'll post it on my site and post a link as soon as I do.
Game and Pleasure
An announcer begins his count down
“ The match will start in 3…2…1; BEGIN!”
5 Players are now in view. 1st Player. Heavy infiltrator. A tank/ bruiser able to dish out excessive amount of burst damage, but can sustain more damage if the player is constantly moving on the battlefield. 2nd player. Shade. High tech specialist/ Support attacker able to assist the team with upgrades and buffs, as well as exchanging for debuffs used on enemies from various parts obtain on the battle field, as well as acquiring the weapon, EOAT if you collect the necessary amount of parts, one of the hardest classes available to use. 3rd player. Hell Slinger. Scout/Area of Effect damage dealer. High mobility with tons of area damage long range, but has the lowest HP of all classes, as well as increased damage taken if attacking. 4th player. Sniper. Marksmen. Able to deal killing blows almost every shot, with maximum range, but limited shots per match. 5th player. Crusader. Defensive/ Carry. Able to take reduce Damage for every objective conquered, as wel as receive stacking bonuses for every kill, for every death you take a DOT effect for every respawn as well as attack decrease, one of the most skilled Class.
“ Alright lets go boys!”
As all 5 move out onto the battle field
“Man who’s the random?”
“ Call me Zex733T”
“ Oh real original scrub, I tell ya man these randoms keep getting better and better”
“ yeah no shit, you remember the last one we had?”
“ Fuck, I thought you were bad; that guy made you look useful”
“ Not what the score said last match bitch!”
“ You KS me all game buddy, don’t even start!”
“ Will you two shut the hell up already!”
We are suddenly pulled out of the game into a room filled with computers, desks, and 4 guys behind monitors.
“ Hey, fat boy wants to start shit, Its all fair game”
“ Im fat but at least im not a scrony whiney bitch”
“ you see what I mean, he does this to himself; now you’ve forced my hand you son of a cow”
“ For fuck sakes guys.”
“ What is our sniper doing?”
“ What the fuck is he doing?”
The player zexL33T has Died now appears on the chat box
“ Don’t worry guys I’ve seen this Strat work on a video”
“ How about you make yourself useful baddie, and get up to cover at sector 8, that’s the most passive vantage point, ok? Got it?”
“ Guys don’t worry, I’m going pro with No scope”
“ I think I’ve just lost faith in humanity”
As one of the guys gets from his chair and slowly curls up into a ball.
“ This guy is so bad that he made Sap mentally ill, now I have seen it all”
“ No way! Hahaha this is hilarious! Chris you seeing this?”
Chris’s eye is seen twitching.
“ Fuck this game! Every single time we get these god damn Fuck wads!
As he gets up from his chair.
“Im taking a break”
A knock on the door can be heard.
“ Pizzas here!”
“ Yeah you would fat boy”
“ Hey Sap you wanna get that, I know your slowly dying over there but the least you could do is get our pizza”
Sap gets up from his delusional state and heads for a spare table that has some cash on it. He grabs it and heads towards the door. He slowly opens the door. Waiting for him is a beautiful girl, standing about 5’7” just barely above saps neck. Her red silky hair glisten underneath a light fixture in the hallway as the top of her head is covered from a baseball hat with a ponytail coming out from the snap back, as the rest of her body curves around her delivery outfit almost begging her already sizable bust to burst out from her shirt as she perks her shoulders up holding out the pizza. She tilts her head up at sap and gives him a very blank stare.
“ That’ll be $33.50”
Saps face turns bright red as he lets out a rather embarrassing stutter
“ Hu..here you go !”
As he fluctuates his volume ever so awkwardly. The girl looks at Sap for a moment, almost in disgust, but she doesn’t express it. Sap hands her $34 as he grabs the Pizza from her.
“ Keep the cha….”
Sap is cut off.
“ You know what, my mistake, did I say $33.50. I actually meant to say $43.50”
“ Oh… uh, are you sure? I think it’s always been the same price”
“ I don’t think you heard me correctly, it’s $43.50”
Sap just stands in the doorway for a moment as he begins to blush from discomfort.
“Umm, hold on for one second”
“ Oh I can come in, I don’t think you’ll have a problem, no?”
As she squeezes by Sap through the doorway as her body rubs past his, as the sensation of her body tingles through Sap as his arms jolt up still holding the Pizza box. She gets through the door as she looks at the room with a small smirk. The other two guys look up to see the woman inside the room. One just stares in awe, and the other….
“ Damn ! Sap you shouldn’t have, you old dog you!”
“ What?! No There must have been a mix up with the price”
“ Oh No worries, Ill pay you back man”
As one of the men walks up to the Woman”
“ You know what, the delivery outfit; I gotta say it’s workin for me”
The Girl just socks the man in the stomach as he falls to his knees. The other guy in the room just bursts out laughing.
“ Home boy just got downed by a delivery girl, Ahahaha!”
“ You getting the money or what?”
As she looks at Sap with a dark shaded look. Sap frightened; he goes to Chris’s room. The girl looks to one of the computers and sees what game everyone is playing. She moves to a seat and quickly begins to log in.
“Kevin you didn’t see shit!”
“ yo that’s the least of your worries, I think this girls got game”
We cut to Sap entering Chris’s room.
As Chris is seen taking a puff from a Wooden pipe, as he exhales interrupted.
“ What now?”
“ I think the price was wrong for the Pizza, It’s $43.50”
“ You’re kidding me, come on sap, You want to get played by a fucking delivery guy? If he wanted a tip you should have told him find another job…. Is he still out there?”
Chris gets up and begins to walk out.
“ ummm, but… it’s..”
Chris walks out to the room only to find Kevin and the other guy on their chairs rolled up behind the delivery girl looking in astonishment.
“ what the fuck is this?”
As we view the girls screen, she is playing a Sniper. She begins to pick off other players one by one with ease as the announcer from the game is heard. Headshot!, Headshot!, Double kill, Objective sequred. Chris walks up closer to the girl. The girl begins to take off her hat as she gets into the game further.
“ She just cleared that sector in 2 minutes flat”
As the girl replies.
“ I know right, Im so hot right now”
She begins to unbutton her polo shirt one by one.
“ Hey chris you heard of any delivery girls around here”
“ What do I look like to you Josh, I just order my pizza”
“ I think you should order our Pizzas more often dude”
The girl begins to moan. Quadra kill!
“ Fuck, I haven’t gotten a Quad in forever, the sound of it brings me back”
She begins to breath heavy.
“ you’re serious right now?”
“ Hey Chris man I haven’t seen Macro like that since back in the day, I think this chicks got mad skill”
“ Shes also going to get my Chair wet if she keeps this up”
“ Come on Chris, you know how long we’ve been waiting to find our fifth replacement”
“ Its not like she came here to willingly do something like that”
Chris looks closer to spot out her username. He suddenly puts on a shocked look.
“ The hooded Sniper with face mask, using the B…”
He is cut off by the girl.
“ B76 Type A Rifle, with suppressor , Emp Charge Special, Multi shot Alt, with cloaking advanced Spec”
“ DevilsChild69 “
“In the flesh”
As she begins to moan.
“ theres no way, that player has been gone for 3 years”
Victory! As the announcer ends the game. The girl lets out a satisfied Moan as she leans back in the chair making it rock back to its full angle as her breasts begin to bulge from her shirt exposing her bra. Her tongue rolls out of her mouth as she begins to breath heavy. She caresses the PC desktop as she begins to rub her body on it.
“ I’ve missed you “
She is suddenly shoved away from Chris.
“ Excuse me, don’t touch my things.”
“But it calls to me”
As she trys to once again feel up the PC. Chris holds her back.
“ Well I called you, and I also Paid $33.50”
“ Of course you did, but our statement is 30 minutes or less”
“ So what are you getting at”
“ Just let me play a little bit longer and you wont have to big boy”
She leans her back on Chris’s torso as she looks up to him.
We cut to see the girl getting pushed out of the door into the hallway, and the door shut.
“ What the hell was that man? Did you see that chick play?”
“ Yeah Chris, come on man dick move”
“ She had skill even I couldn’t keep up with”
“ Come on guys, you expect me to just gladly accept a horny delivery girl to just walk in here getting off on playing a video game?”
“ Yes! Are you crazy dude, when are you ever going to see that in your lifetime, I mean she was actually getting into it”
“ Yeah I get the picture Josh”
“ Look bro I bet you shes still on the other side of that door on her knees just begging you to take her in”
“ Ok now you’re just dreaming kid”
“ Prove me wrong buddy”
“ It’s just a girl who can play, nothing more”
“ Fine, then open that door right now and prove me wrong”
“ You know what, just to shut you up I will”
“ Im glad to humor you just this one time Josh”
As Chris opens the door the girl is seen on her knees staring up at Chris.
“ Please, I’ll be a good girl”
“ You have got to be kidding me”
“ Yes!! 20$ bitch”
“ We didn’t bet on Shit Josh”
“ Yeah but you wanted to”
As the scene fades out, we reappear to the girl playing on the PC.
“ So why were you gone for soo long?”
“ Well it’s a long story, so ill keep it short”
“ Aren’t you supposed to answer”
“ Who are you my lawyer?”
“ Still, for someone who was on top of the charts, to just disappear like that”
“ Well it wasn’t my fault, if there is any incentive from that”
“ But it would be your fault”
“ You know I think me and you are going to have a problem”
“ You think a player like you would be making it big hitting up MLG “
“ Well life sure has a way of changing things”
“ So are you really a Pizza delivery girl?”
“ So you just prey on pushovers like Sap for extra Tips, man that must be good money”
“ Its not that good to be honest, its more of a side job, and sometimes intimidation doesn’t work”
“ So you have a real job”
“ I won’t answer that”
“Dammit Josh leave Phoenix out of this !”
“ So after 3 years its like you haven’t skipped a beat”
“ you never lose your touch with PC gaming, once you hear, and feel the mouse and keyboard, its almost like riding a bike”
“ Im serious!”
“ so you’re telling me to go 3 years straight without a computer, and ill still have the same macro like you did.”
“ Oh so now you deny it”
“Shut your mouth scrub!”
“ Ok maybe I kept a spare keyboard and mouse to still practice on.”
“ Still, those are just empty inputs if you have no actual computer”
“ I memorized my entire setup, hotkeys, macros, positions, you name it”
“ That’s cool and all, but why do you get so horny when you play?”
“ Its ok I can answer that”
“ Oh sure when its perverted you have no problem, but when its personal you got nothing”
“ Idiot! Because being perverted is our nature, you can’t stop nature can you?”
“ She has a point”
“ Its really just the thrill you know, when that announcer starts the game, when he follows your kill streak, its like a rush of pure pleasure that runs through every inch of my body”
Josh and the others just listen with eyes wide open. Only Chris turns away from her.
“ So this game gets you off huh?”
“ You want another punch Dick head! Ill go lower this time and make it count!”
“ Why so hostile? You’re the one who just admitted it”
“ But I don’t need to hear it from you!”
Sap leans towards Chris as he begins to whisper.
“ So what do you think?”
As Chris watches the girl play as she still begins to destroy the enemy team.
“ Maybe she wanted to come back….. Still, she was the top player at the time”
“ You’re right. I did want to come back. I thought it was time to do what really matters”
She looks up to Chris with a snarky grin.
“ Don’t try to hide anything from me. Ill always find out”
“ Alright then. Then how does this sound. You play with us for one game. I know what you can do solo, but we need to have synergy”
“ Snipers are solo players, helping the team in their own way”
“ But you cant win without a team”
“ Hah! Please, I can take on multiple players, I even play better with a handicap”
“ Who new the best player would be so cocky”
“ Well nobody can match me”
“ I wouldn’t say that, in three years there have been some pretty unstoppable players out there”
“ They just haven’t seen me yet”
Chris just laughs to himself.
“So whats your team comp?”
“ HI, Shade, HS, and Crusader”
The girl begins to laugh.
“ Crusader! You’re serious? One of the most challenging class while having the worst Punishments for dying”
“ Got a problem with that? The value when played correct makes it the best class overall in terms of map control”
“ So you can play?”
She begins to become Intrigued as she seductively glances over to Chris.
“ You’re looking at the Captain sweety”
“ Good, but do you mind if I call you Commander”
“ You can even call me master”
“ Alright tough guy, lets not go too far. I’m probably better than you”
Chris sits down by his computer and logs in as her game ends
“ Alright boys lets give this girl a shot”
“ Don’t call me girl !”
“ Right now you’re fresh meat, so deal with it girl”
The girl growls at chris.
Select your class! As the announcer begins the team select. Heavy Infiltrator ! as the Character gives a small introduction.
“ Keep moving! The unstoppable force has arrived!”
“ Any trouble? I got just what you’re looking for.”
“ Did any call for showers today, cause I’m about to make it rain fire!”
As josh completely talks over the character.
“Steady your hand, we have work to do”
“Strength from unity, Never underestimate the power of perseverance”
The game will begin in 10 seconds!
“Alright boys you know the drill”
Map selection coin flip goes to red team.
Yard, genetics lab, caverns.
“ Picking caverns guys”
“ Alright if you’re the best sniper out there we shouldn’t have an issue”
3…2…1… Loading screen.
“ Worry about yourself”
The game will begin in 3…2…1, BEGIN!
“Heading to sector 1”
“ Heading to sector 5 vantage point”
“ But that’s an aggressive hold, we haven’t even capped a sector yet”
“ like I said, worry about yourself”
Spare parts have spawned in sector 2”
“ Heading over, Kevin give me some room”
“ Gottcha Sap”
“ Ill head to sector 5”
“ You’ll be running into everyone Chris just let them take it”
“ I just want to give someone a chance to prove herself, I can take a hit early on”
“ Sector 2 is ours they want the overseer on Sector 3”
“ Scout out 4 for any parts Josh”
As Sap and Kevin head to Sector 2 Gun fire can be heard as bullets begin to rush by them.
“ I see it, Kevin pop it”
“ On it”
Kevin activates his special, Repel and force. A force shield surrounds Kevins Character as the enemy fire quickly redirects back towards them as he prevents their push on the spare part. One of the enemy players gets hit as his character shows a death animation.
“ Sap hes got Dead blink!”
Red Team has acquired spare part.
“ On it”
Sap activates his part. Area dispel. As the enemy character is seen flying through the air with a melee weapon directed towards sap. Sap activates his primary special Shock impulse, His character fires at the enemy making a direct hit. The enemy character freezes unable to move, but still following his blinks path towards Sap. Sap swithches out to his melee weapon and readys a strike when the enemy is close, He makes a killing blow. Kevin is seen dealing with another enemy.
Announcer, First blood!
“ So you guys can play?”
“ We were ranked 3rd in the world, well when we had a 5 man team”
“ Saps a god when it comes to macro”
“ Interesting “
Chris just grunts in amazement
“ No way”
“ uhh Chris, I think sector 4 is clear”
“ How the hell did you make that shot?”
“ You have a small time frame when people begin to cap a sector, so they’re considered a single target based on the time multiple players begin to cap a sector”
“ How do you even see that opportunity?”
“ I proc my Multishot to target one player for its added bonus damage on top of the critical strike chance for my weapon when your first shot is fired after 1 minute”
“ Alright That just made me hard”
“ Josh just cover sector 3”
“ Got it, no parts at sector 4”
Sector 2 captured! Sector 5 captured!
Passive active Crusader, Reduced Damage taken”
ALT activate Head shield. Chris’s character is seen deflecting a head shot off of a small shield around his players head.
“ You have good reactions”
“ Yeah I deal with snipers all the time, I’m pretty use to it, but next time try to get him first”
“ Maybe I knew he was there all along”
“Alright, time to clear out the rest”
Josh activates his special, ring of fire. His launcher fires a giant bomb that hovers over sector 3. It drops down and creates a wall of flames around the overseer tower.
“ Alright you got 30 seconds girl, get to the overseer tower so we can sequre sector 3”
“ Heading over now”
“ Well you want to work like a team?”
“ There are things you must cooperate with in this game in order to win”
“ At least you have somewhat of an idea”
“Kevin head over to sector one, I think theres 3 of them there, keep um busy”
Blue team has captured sector 1.
“ Josh light um up”
Josh’s character begins to fire bombs across the map, as one enemy character dashes from his bomb strikes.
“The sniper wants that tower, I aint messin with that, that players equipped with a yearning double tap”
“ What the hell is that?”
“ A lot of new weapons came out when you left, that particular weapon is ruthless. If you aren’t going for a headshot, your first shot will take one shot plus charge a second shot free of cost with 75% increase attack speed to compensate for a normal recovery from your first shot. They would light me up in no time”
“ But youre a Hell slinger, one body shot will almost take you out”
“ It counters me”
“ Fine, run away then you scrub”
“ Just playin it safe baby, I’m heading over to sector 4”
“ Already on it Josh”
Chris’s character heads over to sector 4 as he encounters an enemy character.
“ Hah, we got a juggernaut, how did you manage to take out two guys in one shot, one of them being a juggernaut”
“ I don’t need to explain myself again”
The juggernaut takes out out his melee weapon, more of a giant mace.
“ I only say because they take 25% to 50% reduce damage from bullets”
“No class can survive my shot”
“ your masteries must be stacked to critical hit damage”
“ You catch on fast”
Chris activates his advance spec, Crusaders onslaught. He switches to a long sword melee weapon. The Juggernaut runs towards Chris’s Character. Chris activates his special, triple Dash. As they almost collide the juggernaut activates his special, over head destruction. The juggernaut swings his giant mace over head and aims for Chris, just as the mace hits the ground Chris dashes back from the strike. The blow creates a huge crater that devastates the map. Chris jumps with momentum as he dashes upwards, he readys his sword and dashes towards the juggernaut delivering a killing blow, gaining increased damage, HP, and Shield.
“ Capping sector 4 “
The girls Character is behind a wall as a sniper shot can be seen almost hitting her.
“ Well not much of a shot, but what you said, she has a shot charged that is faster than mine”
“ I forgot to mention that your advanced spec cant be used if you hold the second shot charge”
As the girl activates her advanced spec cloaking, as she runs out from her spot and finds a better opening, she deactivates the cloak as the other sniper quickly sees her, but she aims up and fires for a head shot, as the enemy sniper just hits her in the arm, the enemy dies to a headshot.
“ Capping overseer tower”
Sector 4 captured!
“ How we doing at sector 1 guys?”
“Not bad but we need some back up, they are heading towards 2”
“We just need sector one we need to rush it, if our sniper is good she can hold our caps”
“ Heading to sector 2, Chris ill meet up”
“Sap how many parts?”
“ I only have one”
“ Hit me up with an upgrade”
“ Got it”
Upgrade activate, Smoke screen pathing.
“ hahaha! I love this one”
Kevin activates his Alt, Bouncing bullets. Kevins character begins to run around sector 2 while leaving behind a smoke trail behind him blocking out their sight, as bullets bounce off Kevin as the enemy begins firing at him.
“ Man these guys must be bad “
Josh and chris meet up at sector 2.
“ We got two of um”
“ Show me a path buddy
Josh activates his Alt, Scatter shot, as he also activates his advance spec, double the fun. He fires out 6 shots instead of the original 3 shots with scatter shot active.
“ Come get it baddies!”
As the shots reach the enemies, the splash damage from the impact hits the enemies, as Chris goes in with his melee weapon and finish them off.
“ Fuck yeah! That’s my boy”
A red dot is seen on Chris’s head, but it soon disappears as the enemy sniper shows up being killed again.
“ Happy now?”
Chris chuckles a bit.
“ lets bring it home guys”
Sector 3 Captured!
The enemies still surrounded in smoke as it later dissipates, as bombs fly towards them as Kevin and Chris run them down, while sap caps sector 1.
Headshot! As Chris clears out the other enemy. Sector 1 captured! Red team Wins!
“ HAHA! Yes! That was sick”
“ Havent had a game like that since we had 5!”
“ That was incredible”
“ well well, I guess the girls got game”
“ Aright fucker, now that I’m on the team you cant call me that anymore!”
“Well I don’t even know your name yet”
“ In due time”
“ Ahhh shit, Chris I gotta head out man “
“Land lord is bitching about my sister again”
“ alright Josh, just text me when you are free”
“I guess it really means we have our fifth then?”
“ Well, let’s just give her a shot”
“You seriously have doubt in me after that performance”
“Just try to keep the moaning to a minimum”
“ I promise nothing”
“ Man All that hype made me hungry”
“That’s why we ordered the pizza”
“ Shit, that’s gotta be my last game to man, Hey Chris you mind if I grab the pizza?”
“ Jesus Kevin, you know you’re going to owe for that, just leave me a couple of slices”
“Yeah yeah no problem, Come on Sap.”
“ Well he is my ride”
As the rest of the guys leave the room it is just Chris and the Girl.
“ Shouldn’t you be leaving to?”
The girl begins to take off her Work shirt exposing her Bra as she also begins to take off her pants.
“ What the hell are you doing?”
The girl lets out a sigh of relief.
“ Ill admit The uniform is comfy, but hot as hell, and all that hard work made me sweaty”
She throws her pants at chris.
“Oh hell no!”
“ Whats wrong? Is it because I’m sweaty?”
She walks over to the couch in the room and lays across it letting out another satisfied sigh.
“ I’m sure this couch has seen worse”
“ I swear to god you better cut it out right now”
“ I’m thirsty, can you get me some water”
“ I’m being invaded by a fucking delivery Girl”
“ Hey! That’s delivery woman fuck face!”
She quickly gets to her knees on top of the couch and gives Chris a very stern look. Chris walks over to her and stands a couple feet away from her.
“ Let me make something perfectly clear, you are not staying here”
“ But I have no where else to go”
She begins to say very softly as she looks up at chris with puppy dog eyes.
“ One thing you should know, I have dealt with women before sweety, so this little game you’re playing is average at best”
“ Oh, so I’m almost there”
She begins to crawl over to chris.
“ Does this put me on par? Said with a seductive tone”
Chris puts one hand across his face and sighs.
“ do you really have no place to go?”
She stops abruptly and gets to her knees as she places her hands down by her crouch covering most of her lower body.
“ No I don’t, why would I lie?”
“ Why me?” Chris begins to slowly pout
“ Ok, you can stay”
The girl jumps up with joy and goes for a hug, but Chris prevents her.
“But, there will be no more seduction ok”
“ Don’t stare you pervert”
Chris just grunts with annoyance as the girl folds her arms and begins to lay back down on the couch.
“ Now where’s my water?”
“ They never change” Chris just throws his head down in shame
Order from the Ruthless. Loyal to the ones close.
By Qualeshia Marshall
When I was just a young girl, I use to get these dreams that will lead me to constantly ask the question 'Who is that person?' Yet sadly I would get not a single answer. It frustrates me knowing that I keep having this dream of some one I never met. Or maybe I have met the person in a different life. Honestly, I am not so sure about who he is. Every time in the dream I am swinging on a swing by myself while in the distance my mother is talking to some stranger. I can never see the stranger's face clearly but I can see my mother's face just fine. Then what happens next in the dream, is me falling backwards and hitting my head on a rock. I cry out in pain but no sounds leave my mouth. I am completely mute. When I try to get up from the ground, I looked to see if my mother is still talking to the stranger but they are both gone. I am all alone with the tree that the swing is tied to. I then proceed to look around and spot the stranger in the distance with his hand lending outward to me as if he wants me to grab it. When I go to grab the hand, I fall into a void then wake up in a sweat.
My dream is very weird and whenever I tell my mother about it, she doesn't know what to say to me. It's okay if she doesn't know what to say. Sometimes I have no words to say about the dreams. I just wake up sweaty and unable to comprehend what had happened. But the stranger in my dreams have been appearing more and more each day. I grow a little scared of the stranger because I can't see his face and he gives off a creepy vibe that I just can't explain. Nevertheless, he is always lending out his hand to me before I fall into the black void. So he can't be too creepy and might possibly be nice the way I see it. Who ever this person is, I need to know why he is apart of my dreams. I've been having these dreams since I was four and I when I was four years old something happened to me. I can't remember what it was but it was the start of these dreams. And it's always the same dream that never changes no matter what.
I sometimes see this in my day dreams as well. If I could talk to a professional about this, then I would feel like I am losing my mind. Ever since the dreams started I've been unable to relax and get so anxious. My friends are there to help me through the tough times but it is hard explaining it to them. So I just keep it to myself. I don't want to burden them with my weird dreams. It also feels as though I've done everything I could to figure out these dreams. I've searched the internet, read books, and talk to my school's counselor. But there are getting worst each and everyday. One day things went from bad to just plain scary. I was hanging out with my friends Rosalie and Crystal at the bookstore. This was our first time at this bookstore for there is another one much closer to my house. I wanted to get the book written by my favorite author Jillian Petersburg. I find her books to be awe-inspiring and simply amazing. But enough about that. The scary part happened when I was sitting in the café at one of the table. I glanced out the big window and witness a figure that looked a little too familiar to me. That figure was none other than the stranger who happens to appear in my dreams. At that time I was alone for Rosalie was on the line buying some coffee while Crystal was in the restroom. It was spooky for I could see the stranger clear as day all except for his face that remains hidden. He extended his right hand at me and I just sit there unable to speak a single word. I am stunned to think that a man from my dreams was standing right before me. Well he was actually outside of the building in front of the big windows. Yet for some strange reason only I can see him. I looked around the café to see if any one noticed the stranger like me. Sadly no. Lending his hand to me wanting me to grab it, I panicked to myself but then I felt a hand touching my shoulder and it's Rosalie. She startled me and I was ready to scream thinking that it was the stranger. When I turned to see if the stranger was still there, he was gone just like that. Why do they feel the need to do such a creepy thing like that?
My time spent at the bookstore was pleasant enough but I still worry about what happened. I seriously feel like I should see someone about this. My mother doesn't have the money to let me continue seeing a therapist daily. So I have no choice but to try and deal with the strangeness that is happening all around me. At home, I jumped right into the Jillian Petersburg book and could not put it down. While reading I could hear something feint but clear. Strange. It was getting a little louder and soon I could hear a voice. The voice was speaking either some foreign language gibberish I really couldn't tell. I closed the book after putting the bookmark in to listen to the voice some more. I got off my bed then look around the room to see where the voice is coming from. It can't be neighbors living above me because me and my mother live in a single family home. And the neighbors next door are rather quiet. So, who can this voice be? I listened closely and I can soon hear male's voice growing louder by each passing minute. It wasn't long until I could hear the voice as if the person is right in my bedroom. I called out and got no response. The voice was speaking in the language that I could understand. But I still have no clue what it is saying. The voice then stopped after it said look out the window. So I went to look out the window and there he was in all his creepy glory, the stranger. He was looking up at me from below and I freaked out like a little girl witnessing her first horror film or a creepy bug. I wanted to open the window and yell at the stranger telling him to leave me alone. But I was way too scared to do anything like that. And so I closed the curtains and turned away from the window. I headed back to my bed and to finish reading my book but my mind became distracted by too many things. I placed the book on my nightstand, lean back onto the pillows, then closed my eyes. I start to drift into my thoughts and blocking every single noise out. I wanted to rest easy and think about the thoughts that circle around in my head. Suddenly, my thoughts came to a halt when I heard a knock on the door. It's probably my mother letting me know that dinner is ready. I got off the bed then move to the door. I opened it and saw him, the stranger standing right before me. How did he even get inside my house? I glance at him nervously and full of fright that I can feel myself wanting to cry. I never thought I would be this afraid in my life.
What was the stranger going to do to me? I hope not kill me for that might be a little out of character for him. I looked at him then heard him speak. He told me to wake up from this world. Wake up? But I am awake. But how he said it was in a demanding tone of voice. He wanted me to wake up even though I was already awake. So I decided to do what he asked of me and I closed my eyes then opened them. Once I opened them I was in the hospital lying in the bed. What happened to me? Why am I in the hospital? I looked to my right and witness my mother sleeping soundly. On my left I saw the stranger who was also sleeping as well. When I look at the stranger's face, I can see it clearly but I do not recognize him. I sat up in the bed and accidentally woke up my mother. She gave me a happy tearful look while the stranger was still asleep. I ask my mother who that stranger is and you want to know what she said. She told me that there was nobody there. That the chair is completely empty. I must be dreaming, if I am will I ever wake up from this strange world?
It's incomplete. I'm working on making changes to it.
I'm slowly starting to like Legend of Zelda's Link.