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Post Reply Other stories ( Share your own, be opened with your ideas)
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Posted 7/4/16

LITVoid wrote:

A short I burned out a while back and am returning to expand upon. This is it as it was finished before


That was quite enjoyable. I'd love to read it once you finish.
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18 / M / my favorite chair
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Posted 7/5/16
I really like the stories you chaps write and think that good things could come of your creativity. Now if only one of us could finish something (I am hereby guilty of such).
Anyway, I revised my caption (and figured out that it would be a good idea to use the "spoiler" option to cut down on post size) and wanted to see if it was any better. I think it came out better, but maybe that's bias. Either way, there's more description and a few more parts in the story that built the story in the direction I want it to go (especially for the future installments).
Whether or not you review this, I'd like to thank you guys for letting me yammer on here.
Daws~

(caption taken from "Del Mar- Cartel" chapter 2 "Recounting")
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18 / M / my favorite chair
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Posted 7/7/16
Didn't find a rule against bumping a forum post, so here it is .
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24 / M
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Posted 7/7/16

Dawsbfiremind wrote:

Didn't find a rule against bumping a forum post, so here it is .


I think your additions did make the writing stronger overall, but I think they could be more targeted. Some of the comments I don't think were entirely necessary and others I think could be moved around and reworded a bit to make them seem more natural.

Take for example, when David meets the other characters (Leo and Sauria).
1) Putting all of that text right up front slows down the pace, so it makes it seem like David just turned and stared at them for like 60 seconds before anything else happened. I'd say move the descriptions of Sauria down to when she actually says something. Also, you don't have to put all of that up front (depends on how you want the scene to be paced). You can give a brief explanation about what catches David's eye first, and then make the character do something which draws his attention elsewhere. For example, you could talk about his face, have him say something, then reach into his pocket causing David to look down and see his ripped jeans. Again, it depends on what you want to do with the pacing, but think about it.
2) I try to avoid using phrases like "David saw a man". Instead I try to put it more naturally by saying "A man stepped up to David". My rule of thumb is to avoid mentioning senses (although all rules are meant to be broken if you have a reason). I find it makes the descriptions seem more natural and feel more in the story.
3) "His bright blue-green eyes contrasted sharply with his bronze tan, making David feel uncomfortable as the boy studied him." Does the contrast of his eyes/tan make David uncomfortable or does the boy studying him make him uncomfortable? And why? Also, I feel like you could abide by the "show don't tell" rule a little more closely here. Overall, I think you could do more to subtly hint at what these characters should be making the reader feel.
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Posted 7/7/16
Well carp, it seems that if I fix one thing, another problem appears (perhaps I refer to the writing of these books as "project hydra").
Either way, thanks guys. This book shall be written to the best of the ability given to me (not to perfection, but I'm not expecting a NYT record anyway), and I shall see to it that you chaps are credited.
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Posted 7/8/16 , edited 7/10/16
Hello~ If anyone wants to read this and give me feedback, I'd really appreciate it.

http://www.lavendermintrose.com/?page_id=577

It's a fantasy/mystery story about a character who has to stand in for a prince in a magical world. I'd love to hear what you think~

. . .
http://www.animenewsnetwork.com/interest/2016-07-08/light-novel-contest-overwhelmed-with-alternate-world-entries/.103996 <-- after reading this, I'm a little embarrassed about writing a going-to-another-world thing, but I hope mine's not that bad...
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Posted 7/10/16

LavenderMintRose wrote:

Hello~ If anyone wants to read this and give me feedback, I'd really appreciate it.


Do you have it posted anywhere that doesn't require an account to read?
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Posted 7/10/16 , edited 7/30/16
Here, on my site. >> http://www.lavendermintrose.com/?page_id=577

. . . I had no idea it was doing that, wow. I tried it before logged out and it didn't do that.

That site is really temperamental, and the community and the rest of the work there are pretty immature, so I think I'm just going to move it to my own blog altogether... problem then is finding an audience, but, well...

I'll post it on my site and post a link as soon as I do.
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24 / M / CAN, ON
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Posted 7/29/16
Game and Pleasure

Chapter 1

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25 / F / New Jersey, USA
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Posted 7/29/16
Strange World
By Qualeshia Marshall

When I was just a young girl, I use to get these dreams that will lead me to constantly ask the question 'Who is that person?' Yet sadly I would get not a single answer. It frustrates me knowing that I keep having this dream of some one I never met. Or maybe I have met the person in a different life. Honestly, I am not so sure about who he is. Every time in the dream I am swinging on a swing by myself while in the distance my mother is talking to some stranger. I can never see the stranger's face clearly but I can see my mother's face just fine. Then what happens next in the dream, is me falling backwards and hitting my head on a rock. I cry out in pain but no sounds leave my mouth. I am completely mute. When I try to get up from the ground, I looked to see if my mother is still talking to the stranger but they are both gone. I am all alone with the tree that the swing is tied to. I then proceed to look around and spot the stranger in the distance with his hand lending outward to me as if he wants me to grab it. When I go to grab the hand, I fall into a void then wake up in a sweat.
My dream is very weird and whenever I tell my mother about it, she doesn't know what to say to me. It's okay if she doesn't know what to say. Sometimes I have no words to say about the dreams. I just wake up sweaty and unable to comprehend what had happened. But the stranger in my dreams have been appearing more and more each day. I grow a little scared of the stranger because I can't see his face and he gives off a creepy vibe that I just can't explain. Nevertheless, he is always lending out his hand to me before I fall into the black void. So he can't be too creepy and might possibly be nice the way I see it. Who ever this person is, I need to know why he is apart of my dreams. I've been having these dreams since I was four and I when I was four years old something happened to me. I can't remember what it was but it was the start of these dreams. And it's always the same dream that never changes no matter what.
I sometimes see this in my day dreams as well. If I could talk to a professional about this, then I would feel like I am losing my mind. Ever since the dreams started I've been unable to relax and get so anxious. My friends are there to help me through the tough times but it is hard explaining it to them. So I just keep it to myself. I don't want to burden them with my weird dreams. It also feels as though I've done everything I could to figure out these dreams. I've searched the internet, read books, and talk to my school's counselor. But there are getting worst each and everyday. One day things went from bad to just plain scary. I was hanging out with my friends Rosalie and Crystal at the bookstore. This was our first time at this bookstore for there is another one much closer to my house. I wanted to get the book written by my favorite author Jillian Petersburg. I find her books to be awe-inspiring and simply amazing. But enough about that. The scary part happened when I was sitting in the café at one of the table. I glanced out the big window and witness a figure that looked a little too familiar to me. That figure was none other than the stranger who happens to appear in my dreams. At that time I was alone for Rosalie was on the line buying some coffee while Crystal was in the restroom. It was spooky for I could see the stranger clear as day all except for his face that remains hidden. He extended his right hand at me and I just sit there unable to speak a single word. I am stunned to think that a man from my dreams was standing right before me. Well he was actually outside of the building in front of the big windows. Yet for some strange reason only I can see him. I looked around the café to see if any one noticed the stranger like me. Sadly no. Lending his hand to me wanting me to grab it, I panicked to myself but then I felt a hand touching my shoulder and it's Rosalie. She startled me and I was ready to scream thinking that it was the stranger. When I turned to see if the stranger was still there, he was gone just like that. Why do they feel the need to do such a creepy thing like that?
My time spent at the bookstore was pleasant enough but I still worry about what happened. I seriously feel like I should see someone about this. My mother doesn't have the money to let me continue seeing a therapist daily. So I have no choice but to try and deal with the strangeness that is happening all around me. At home, I jumped right into the Jillian Petersburg book and could not put it down. While reading I could hear something feint but clear. Strange. It was getting a little louder and soon I could hear a voice. The voice was speaking either some foreign language gibberish I really couldn't tell. I closed the book after putting the bookmark in to listen to the voice some more. I got off my bed then look around the room to see where the voice is coming from. It can't be neighbors living above me because me and my mother live in a single family home. And the neighbors next door are rather quiet. So, who can this voice be? I listened closely and I can soon hear male's voice growing louder by each passing minute. It wasn't long until I could hear the voice as if the person is right in my bedroom. I called out and got no response. The voice was speaking in the language that I could understand. But I still have no clue what it is saying. The voice then stopped after it said look out the window. So I went to look out the window and there he was in all his creepy glory, the stranger. He was looking up at me from below and I freaked out like a little girl witnessing her first horror film or a creepy bug. I wanted to open the window and yell at the stranger telling him to leave me alone. But I was way too scared to do anything like that. And so I closed the curtains and turned away from the window. I headed back to my bed and to finish reading my book but my mind became distracted by too many things. I placed the book on my nightstand, lean back onto the pillows, then closed my eyes. I start to drift into my thoughts and blocking every single noise out. I wanted to rest easy and think about the thoughts that circle around in my head. Suddenly, my thoughts came to a halt when I heard a knock on the door. It's probably my mother letting me know that dinner is ready. I got off the bed then move to the door. I opened it and saw him, the stranger standing right before me. How did he even get inside my house? I glance at him nervously and full of fright that I can feel myself wanting to cry. I never thought I would be this afraid in my life.
What was the stranger going to do to me? I hope not kill me for that might be a little out of character for him. I looked at him then heard him speak. He told me to wake up from this world. Wake up? But I am awake. But how he said it was in a demanding tone of voice. He wanted me to wake up even though I was already awake. So I decided to do what he asked of me and I closed my eyes then opened them. Once I opened them I was in the hospital lying in the bed. What happened to me? Why am I in the hospital? I looked to my right and witness my mother sleeping soundly. On my left I saw the stranger who was also sleeping as well. When I look at the stranger's face, I can see it clearly but I do not recognize him. I sat up in the bed and accidentally woke up my mother. She gave me a happy tearful look while the stranger was still asleep. I ask my mother who that stranger is and you want to know what she said. She told me that there was nobody there. That the chair is completely empty. I must be dreaming, if I am will I ever wake up from this strange world?


It's incomplete. I'm working on making changes to it.

Enjoy!!!!
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