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Post Reply Anyone secretly hope they will die soon?
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Posted 6/19/16
No, my life is great. I want to live my life to the fullest.
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Posted 6/19/16
I had some pretty severe depression for quite a long time and at any moment I just wished the sweet release. But over the years I've started thinking about the person I want to be as opposed to wallowing by myself and my outlook has changed. I have too many things these days to look forward to to where I don't want to stick myself in the past.

I feel like if you or anyone else has these sorts of thoughts it'd be a good idea to get to a therapist and talk them out. Why do you feel this way? Is it your life? Is it something you can overcome? Or maybe it's just the way your brain works and you need some meds to clear it up? This sort of stuff is serious and I really hope you can find the help you need because no-one deserves to live their lives with thoughts that way.
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Posted 6/19/16 , edited 6/19/16

Ryulightorb wrote:


DazaiShinju wrote:


TheOriginalStraynge wrote:
I was kicking myself for wasting so many years searching for what had been in front of me the whole time. I know it sounds cheesy but trust me it's actually pretty important. Learning to love yourself is the first step towards learning to interact with and love others. It makes everything else possible. Good luck to you. I hope whatever circumstances are contributing to you feeling this way will change. If they don't change then try to change them yourself. Don't be afraid to grab life by the horns and give it everything you've got. You owe yourself the chance at happiness. We all deserve to be happy.


Ryu ^ This is bloody good advice.

Now, let me level with you. For around half my life, on and off I've struggled with depression, anxiety, eating disorders and at one stage even drug abuse. I couldn't possibly tell you why - I have a nice life, and always have done really. There are problems - but who doesn't have those? My self esteem varies wildly day to day. Crucially, I have never felt I can really talk about things, or how I feel... partly because I'm convinced people will tell me I'm being dramatic (The curse of the actor).

Last August, I hit what I thought was rock bottom. I'd been having suicidal thoughts and for the first time ever, wasn't sure whether or not they were just thoughts. It sounds like a contradiction - but I didn't want to die... so finally went to speak to my doctor to ask for some help (I refuse to take pills). I waited for help, and tried to keep my head above water. Then, in November my partner left me - he'd never told me he loved me, and had decided he never would. He'd had enough of me hating myself. You don't need the details - but it was hard, and I was in an extremely bad place. I've distracted myself with work for months. Finally, around 6 weeks ago, I was referred to a therapist - CBT. I'm 6 sessions in, and whilst it's hard to know how things will be when I have another dip (and there will be one), I am already feeling more positive about myself. Like mentioned above, it's about redefining your rules, and perceptions of things. It's about listening to the good and not just focusing on the bad. Now, you obviously don't seem to have an issue talking about this stuff - you're very vocal. That's a start. Don't do what so many of us do, and wait 10+ years to deal with how you feel - Please please see a professional about this - you do not have to feel this way.


How does one love themselves when they are inferior to their past self ...o.o


That's insecurity. I also thought this, because I had more friends or more this(money/job/good at sports and a scholarship). Shit happened and I went south, quit school and lost out on all of those opportunities. It taught me more about myself as I laid in my room alone. I learned more about myself than I ever would of wasting time at those events which I only enjoyed due to the sense of accomplishment from them. I learned what I truly loved and it was not materialistic. I learned that I didn't have to be einstein to enjoy math, or even be taught calculus. I learnt that you can be a failure in this world and still love it, because that doesn't matter to the world it only matters to yourself so long as you continue to make it about what you don't have instead of what you do have. You do have many things you enjoy, I know you do. You're a human being not a robot. I know what depression feels like, you still enjoy things- it just becomes harder to handle the things you don't enjoy. So what you need to do is what you love. You sound like you're confused and haven't yet realized what you love. If you're like me you weren't your actual self when you were younger hence my hatred for not being the same as then; I couldn't be because that was just me filling a role to fit in with society. Now I tend to myself and keep a quiet life. Less friends. Less in most regards, but more happiness and lovingness for what I want to do and myself. I'm okay with my disabilities and issues. Believe it or not anybody can succumb to depression, it's not hard. The hard part is learning that you don't want to be depressed and you can do something about it, but it takes an actual change of mindset.

Also to the other post- why are you on 10 pills? How much money does your doctor get? Lol. Seriously though go and research/experiment is what I meant by simulate your senses mane. You're a living being, enjoy yourself more and kick back. If you hate life so much, go get high. That always helps me . Anything but being lonely and depressed, go play games. Just stop listening to others and find what you want to do. Back to the pills- please make sure that you actually do need to take these drugs you're on. Go and look up every single drug and their molecular structures to see what they are doing in your brain before taking them- this includes my joke about smoking bud. Don't just take something because somebody tells you too, once again referring to my joke(it was a joke I never advocate others to do drugs). Doctors are great people, but they can make mistakes at times. If you do need these drugs, then accept that. Go to therapy and try your best to medicate yourself. I meditate every evening several hours before bed, or a bit before dinner. This is a tool that helps me clear my mind of anything that has pushed me over the edge and put me into a "depression slump". After that night's sleep I wake up ready to go with a clear mind, I confront my insecurities to understand why they are there in the first place.

You'll be fine op. Just the fact you realize what's going on with yourself validates this. It'll all come into picture- just know you can ask for help, you'll be surprised at how many people would help one another.
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Posted 6/19/16 , edited 6/19/16

Ryulightorb wrote:

I have a lot of problems between brain damage being unable to reach my dreams and a lot of other shit life is torture.

I can only hope I die since I'm way too scared to commit suicide...case in point seeing as I'm in the psych ward at my towns hospital as we speak


I just don't think your "only hope" is to die, given that you can communicate fairly normally and you form your sentences well enough... seems like it's too soon to throw in the towel. Some of my best friends have been in psyche wards, admitted numerous times, sometimes it's necessary for people whether it's for their health or safety or whatever. Life can be torture, but when it's over you don't have anything, most likely, at all. I think nothing is a terrible fate and since it's even a possibility I want to make what I can of my life, even if that's not much. I want to attempt to be happy at least, even if I don't have ANY of the things that I want out of life.

It's just an assumption based on your posts, so it doesn't mean much I'm sure, but you seem like the sort of person who can sort himself out... I guess that's between you and you though, heh.

What do you mean about reaching your dreams? I'm not asking for an explanation of your dream or why you can't reach it, but rather what you MEAN - because if you mean you may never be able to accomplish something you really want to? - if you mean it in that sense, it's commonplace. It's unfortunate, but pretty normal for people to not see their dreams to fruition. If you mean something else, well, I can't comment on that I guess, heh. I don't have dreams in the sense that there's something specific I want to accomplish... at least, not things that are within my abilities. At some point you either have to accept something or be miserable by choice. === I read the answer to this by now, sorry, I failed to see the following page, so I do know what you meant by it, no need to explain again. ;)

I definitely forced myself to change the way my brain worked, and it wasn't as simple as saying that is. I had help via psychedelics though I obviously wouldn't recommend them as a treatment for anything haha... it just happened that way. I would have come to my current state without the drugs though, in time... I wish I could say what I did, but to be honest I just got sick of it, and sick of being miserable and I think the change was instinctive in realizing that the world is never ever going to get more pleasant unless I make it that way. Brain kung-fu, I guess... *shrugs* ...well, or drugs. Maybe they're the same thing.

I remember feeling like I had no way out, and I'm glad I found a way out. It was a 100 percent internal change and there never was an actual answer or whatever it is I wanted back then. I'm glad that I learned to appreciate the simplest of things, because that is truly what happened and since that day I've been ..fairly satisfied, even though I'm not content... that probably doesn't make sense, but there you go. I guess I'm done with my ranting now, that should be enough.

...just rambling now, it's been a long day. Glad to hear you're afraid of suicide, and I hope one day you look back and think that you're glad you were.
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Posted 6/19/16

DazaiShinju wrote:


Ryulightorb wrote:

Tried doing that I can't fix my head or gain more intelligence so my dream is forever out of reach.

The positives are I can get a job and live but I won't get my reason for living because I can't do high end math anymore like calculus and trig.

Not really interested in living a life where I my intelligence is impaired and I make less then 80k a year.

If I could find a way to uncap my intelligence then I would happily live.


With respect Ryu, I know what it's like to have a dream. I'm following mine right now, but there's no telling when it might become impossible for me to continue acting. I know my heart would break - but I think I'd be able to find another reason to live.
Acting is what I love most - it isn't the only thing I love. You love other things too. If you always look at yourself as a failure, that's how you'll feel.

I'm an intelligent person - There's no way I could do calculus and trig. If I based my entire perception of my self worth around my ability to do those things, I'd always feel stupid.

I'm a great actor - It's unlikely I'll ever win an Oscar. If I base my entire perception of myself around my ability to win an Oscar, I'll always feel like I'm terrible.

I hope this is making sense?
Besides, you hardly seem unintelligent to me. You may be different from how you were before - but you're not stupid.


That's true I guess but me getting a job depends on my maths skills as I won't work any other job other then the one I aim for I will stay in debt and Uni if I have to
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Posted 6/19/16

Ryulightorb wrote:


DazaiShinju wrote:


Ryulightorb wrote:

Tried doing that I can't fix my head or gain more intelligence so my dream is forever out of reach.

The positives are I can get a job and live but I won't get my reason for living because I can't do high end math anymore like calculus and trig.

Not really interested in living a life where I my intelligence is impaired and I make less then 80k a year.

If I could find a way to uncap my intelligence then I would happily live.


With respect Ryu, I know what it's like to have a dream. I'm following mine right now, but there's no telling when it might become impossible for me to continue acting. I know my heart would break - but I think I'd be able to find another reason to live.
Acting is what I love most - it isn't the only thing I love. You love other things too. If you always look at yourself as a failure, that's how you'll feel.

I'm an intelligent person - There's no way I could do calculus and trig. If I based my entire perception of my self worth around my ability to do those things, I'd always feel stupid.

I'm a great actor - It's unlikely I'll ever win an Oscar. If I base my entire perception of myself around my ability to win an Oscar, I'll always feel like I'm terrible.

I hope this is making sense?
Besides, you hardly seem unintelligent to me. You may be different from how you were before - but you're not stupid.


That's true I guess but me getting a job depends on my maths skills as I won't work any other job other then the one I aim for I will stay in debt and Uni if I have to :P


Well if that's really impossible, then you're being too rigid. If not, suck it up and do your best.

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Posted 6/19/16

DazaiShinju wrote:


Ryulightorb wrote:


DazaiShinju wrote:


Ryulightorb wrote:

Tried doing that I can't fix my head or gain more intelligence so my dream is forever out of reach.

The positives are I can get a job and live but I won't get my reason for living because I can't do high end math anymore like calculus and trig.

Not really interested in living a life where I my intelligence is impaired and I make less then 80k a year.

If I could find a way to uncap my intelligence then I would happily live.


With respect Ryu, I know what it's like to have a dream. I'm following mine right now, but there's no telling when it might become impossible for me to continue acting. I know my heart would break - but I think I'd be able to find another reason to live.
Acting is what I love most - it isn't the only thing I love. You love other things too. If you always look at yourself as a failure, that's how you'll feel.

I'm an intelligent person - There's no way I could do calculus and trig. If I based my entire perception of my self worth around my ability to do those things, I'd always feel stupid.

I'm a great actor - It's unlikely I'll ever win an Oscar. If I base my entire perception of myself around my ability to win an Oscar, I'll always feel like I'm terrible.

I hope this is making sense?
Besides, you hardly seem unintelligent to me. You may be different from how you were before - but you're not stupid.


That's true I guess but me getting a job depends on my maths skills as I won't work any other job other then the one I aim for I will stay in debt and Uni if I have to :P


Well if that's really impossible, then you're being too rigid. If not, suck it up and do your best.



I already am XD I'm prepared to be 40k in debt next year for my studies

VeggyZ 
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Posted 6/19/16

Ryulightorb wrote:

How does one love themselves when they are inferior to their past self ...o.o


Loving yourself shouldn't solely be about your current ability should it? Is that the only criteria? it's the sum of all things that make you and it's important to recognize all the good in ourselves. There's a lot of good someone can do regardless of disability. Hell, even children can teach us profound lessons... in fact they're very good at it, haha.

To me and the authority given to me by the internets you seem like someone who still has a lot going for him. That was my first impressions of you from other posts. I judge people all the time though, based off of things like how they type or say things. Kinda my thing. That means obviously I'm really good at it and you can take what I say TO THE LETTER!

Well, you aren't an asshole at least.
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Posted 6/19/16

VeggyZ wrote:


Ryulightorb wrote:

How does one love themselves when they are inferior to their past self ...o.o


Loving yourself shouldn't solely be about your current ability should it? Is that the only criteria? it's the sum of all things that make you and it's important to recognize all the good in ourselves. There's a lot of good someone can do regardless of disability. Hell, even children can teach us profound lessons... in fact they're very good at it, haha.

To me and the authority given to me by the internets you seem like someone who still has a lot going for him. That was my first impressions of you from other posts. I judge people all the time though, based off of things like how they type or say things. Kinda my thing. That means obviously I'm really good at it and you can take what I say TO THE LETTER!

Well, you aren't an asshole at least.


I guess but my only redeeming feature was my Inteligence before I lost it due to a seizure now I'm nothing special just average so it's hard for me to like myself as I became what I feared.

But I guess you are right I'm just really focussed on trying to be who I used to be when I was 13 the intelligence and memory I had that's all I want in life but I guess I need to look at the other factors
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Posted 6/19/16
In a way everyone dies pretty "soon" because life is pretty darn short.

Next thing you know, whoosh, half of your life is behind you and the next whoosh it'd be all over.
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Posted 6/19/16 , edited 6/19/16

Ryulightorb wrote:

I guess but my only redeeming feature was my Inteligence before I lost it due to a seizure now I'm nothing special just average so it's hard for me to like myself as I became what I feared.

But I guess you are right I'm just really focussed on trying to be who I used to be when I was 13 the intelligence and memory I had that's all I want in life but I guess I need to look at the other factors


You are still young, you haven't experienced the world as a whole. I think you are too preoccupied with the past, rather than finding new strengths and paths for you to take in life. There may very well be hundreds of strengths that you have not considered yet, continue your journey searching for purpose and meaning in life and you will surely find it someday.

I'm not going to compare it to what you went through, but I can sorta see where you are coming from. I lost my way a couple of years ago, and I feel like a shell of my former self. After dwelling on the past for years, i'm changing directions in life, and embarking on a new journey to find what makes this life worth living, and frankly, the thought is exhilarating.
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Posted 6/19/16
Rather enjoy life while i can.
Posted 6/19/16
I really want to die, it would be so easy. I would stand on the high embankment, close my eyes, and just jump! But if I landed on the steps of the embankment, it would be awful, I can’t dare imagine the sight of dying horribly with my brains splattered everywhere.

I would go along the embankment upstream, find a sandy bay and walk from the foot of the embankment into the river. Of course I wouldn’t be noticed and no-one would know... I would walk there at night. I wouldn’t take off my shoes, I wouldn’t leave anything behind. I would just walk into the river with my shoes on, one step at time, right into the water. By the time the water was waist high, even before it came up to my chest and breathing was hard, the fast-flowing river would suddenly have sucked me into a current, and I would not resurface.

I would be powerless - and even if I struggled the instinct to live wouldn’t save me. At most my arms and legs will thrash in the water, but it would all be quick, painless: it would be over before there was time for any pain. I would not shout. That would be useless, if I shouted I would choke with water and nobody would hear it anyway.
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Posted 6/19/16

Ryulightorb

Curious for me I secretly wish I could die in the next 5 years anyone else


Ryu, don't. I think I can empathize with you but I'm not you. I've seen some of your posts. Don't think like this. If you're trying for something, be you. As for your past self, its like you get to be a new person, like the new guy.
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Posted 6/19/16 , edited 6/19/16

IllGill wrote:

I really want to die, it would be so easy. I would stand on the high embankment, close my eyes, and just jump! But if I landed on the steps of the embankment, it would be awful, I can’t dare imagine the sight of dying horribly with my brains splattered everywhere.

I would go along the embankment upstream, find a sandy bay and walk from the foot of the embankment into the river. Of course I wouldn’t be noticed and no-one would know... I would walk there at night. I wouldn’t take off my shoes, I wouldn’t leave anything behind. I would just walk into the river with my shoes on, one step at time, right into the water. By the time the water was waist high, even before it came up to my chest and breathing was hard, the fast-flowing river would suddenly have sucked me into a current, and I would not resurface.

I would be powerless - and even if I struggled the instinct to live wouldn’t save me. At most my arms and legs will thrash in the water, but it would all be quick, painless: it would be over before there was time for any pain. I would not shout. That would be useless, if I shouted I would choke with water and nobody would hear it anyway.


Yeah, and the end result would be..? It can't possibly be even a little bit pleasant, given what is involved. I think it's silly when people try to find some joy in it. I've been close enough to dying to know it hurts a lot. Enough to know that it isn't going to solve anything either. It's not going to magically make you feel better - things like "he's at peace now" are words meant for living people, to help them cope. The truth is we don't know what happens to our consciousness, and that's one hell of a risk to take based on an assumption that evidence suggests is the opposite of what people like to romanticize about it being like.

I'm well aware that saying something like this is often wasted on people who aren't thinking straight or in-line with my own, especially on the internet, but can you honestly say the risk is worth it for the minuscule payoff you're hoping for? A payoff that isn't going to improve a single thing in anyone's life? It's the most pointless thing someone could possibly do, in my eyes anyway... as someone who has almost lost his life, I can't fathom the notion that it's somehow a good or pleasant event.

It's too bad people think this way and have such little foresight as to not recognize how crazy the very thought of ending the only thing you have is, in spite of all the hardship it's going to cause others and most likely yourself. I feel like people having such little respect and fear of death is why our society... well, world, is in the state it's in. Sociopaths are becoming more and more common... so why? a result of desensitization? that's my guess, but if I really had the answer to that question I guess I would most likely not be watching anime and posting on anime forums right now.

All this kinda has me feeling down now, so I'll excuse myself. I guess suicide talk, and death talk just isn't my thing, it's been around me and in my life too much already for me to be voluntarily spend more of my life on it. I listen to music when I'm all fucked up, as an alternative to... crazy shit like this.

I hope you guys make the choice you are least likely to regret.
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