Post Reply Can you help me correct this story?
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25 / F / New Jersey, USA
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Posted 6/30/16
Let me know if a thread like this one exist or not.
Thanks a bunches.

Okay so this is chapter one of my novel.

Plot of Novel:


Here is the story itself. Now it's a bit long and such. Sorry for the grammatical errors but that can be changed once I write it again.

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19 / M / Winnipeg, MB.
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Posted 6/30/16
You mean like edit it? I mean I would be happy to but it will take a while
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Posted 6/30/16

octorockandroll wrote:

You mean like edit it? I mean I would be happy to but it will take a while


Well, you can tell me what you thought of the story and the plot.
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16 / F / Kuto-ko Tokyo Japan
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Posted 7/1/16
Lol you really good at it., but pizza party hahaha I like that. Nice one
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Posted 7/1/16

bailyn17 wrote:

Lol you really good at it., but pizza party hahaha I like that. Nice one



Thanks so much.
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Posted 7/1/16 , edited 7/1/16
Glad you started writing it ^.^ Here are my thoughts

Writing:
1) Work on showing and not telling.
1b) Your dialogue tags can be cut down. For the most part, "said" and "asked" are the main two and others should be used sparingly. Further, for the accompanying narration, I think you can cut down a lot of that too. Think about whether or not it adds anything to the story, and if not, you probably don't need it (although sometimes you need some narration to make things flow).
2) Fix up the grammar. Tenses jump around a bit, some of your word choices don't really make sense and a lot of the paragraphs should be broken up a little more.

Story:
1) Cut down on your exposition dumps. I'd say most of the information that you threw on us at the beginning of the story can be rewritten into the story. Also, try not to have characters talk to the audience, like in this sentence "That's fine and all, but what does your uncle the academy's principal say about this?". It feels like she is only saying "the academy's principal" because the audience doesn't know.
2) I think your pacing could use some work. Scene transitions could be more natural.
3) I think fixing up some of the things I already mentioned would help, but it seems a little weird that this guy would accept a contract from a stranger in 5minutes (usually some precipitating circumstance leads to decisions like this). Make sure that you aren't making decisions for your characters that they wouldn't make. They should be alive.
4) Make sure to differentiate your story from Code Geass. They sound a bit similar at this point.
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Posted 7/1/16

sundin13 wrote:

Glad you started writing it ^.^ Here are my thoughts

Writing:
1) Work on showing and not telling.
1b) Your dialogue tags can be cut down. For the most part, "said" and "asked" are the main two and others should be used sparingly. Further, for the accompanying narration, I think you can cut down a lot of that too. Think about whether or not it adds anything to the story, and if not, you probably don't need it (although sometimes you need some narration to make things flow).
2) Fix up the grammar. Tenses jump around a bit, some of your word choices don't really make sense and a lot of the paragraphs should be broken up a little more.

Story:
1) Cut down on your exposition dumps. I'd say most of the information that you threw on us at the beginning of the story can be rewritten into the story. Also, try not to have characters talk to the audience, like in this sentence "That's fine and all, but what does your uncle the academy's principal say about this?". It feels like she is only saying "the academy's principal" because the audience doesn't know.
2) I think your pacing could use some work. Scene transitions could be more natural.
3) I think fixing up some of the things I already mentioned would help, but it seems a little weird that this guy would accept a contract from a stranger in 5minutes (usually some precipitating circumstance leads to decisions like this). Make sure that you aren't making decisions for your characters that they wouldn't make. They should be alive.
4) Make sure to differentiate your story from Code Geass. They sound a bit similar at this point.


Okay. Thank you so much for the feedback.

Was there anything you liked about it?
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Posted 7/1/16

qualeshia3 wrote:

Okay. Thank you so much for the feedback.

Was there anything you liked about it?


I do like your writing style. Its fairly casual in a way that feels natural for the main character. All the narration I can picture him rolling his eyes to, which gives your work a tone which reminds me a bit of some shonen style anime. It feels like the characters have the potential to be a little larger than life which I think adds to this feeling (I think we see it mostly in the main character, Annaliese and Kylantha from this chapter). I also am intrigued by where you are going with the story, and I'm interested to see what the next step is, as I think that step will really show me where you are going.
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Posted 7/1/16

sundin13 wrote:


qualeshia3 wrote:

Okay. Thank you so much for the feedback.

Was there anything you liked about it?


I do like your writing style. Its fairly casual in a way that feels natural for the main character. All the narration I can picture him rolling his eyes to, which gives your work a tone which reminds me a bit of some shonen style anime. It feels like the characters have the potential to be a little larger than life which I think adds to this feeling (I think we see it mostly in the main character, Annaliese and Kylantha from this chapter). I also am intrigued by where you are going with the story, and I'm interested to see what the next step is, as I think that step will really show me where you are going.


I know it's just the first chapter, but what did you think about the characters?
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Posted 7/1/16

qualeshia3 wrote:


sundin13 wrote:


qualeshia3 wrote:

Okay. Thank you so much for the feedback.

Was there anything you liked about it?


I do like your writing style. Its fairly casual in a way that feels natural for the main character. All the narration I can picture him rolling his eyes to, which gives your work a tone which reminds me a bit of some shonen style anime. It feels like the characters have the potential to be a little larger than life which I think adds to this feeling (I think we see it mostly in the main character, Annaliese and Kylantha from this chapter). I also am intrigued by where you are going with the story, and I'm interested to see what the next step is, as I think that step will really show me where you are going.


I know it's just the first chapter, but what did you think about the characters?


I think those three that I mentioned are a good start but the others haven't really been given enough to really define them yet. It is only the first chapter so I haven't really seen any of their depth yet, but I'm interested in where you go with them. I think if you work on your "show, don't tell" you can make all of them a lot stronger too.
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25 / F / New Jersey, USA
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Posted 7/1/16

sundin13 wrote:


qualeshia3 wrote:


sundin13 wrote:


qualeshia3 wrote:

Okay. Thank you so much for the feedback.

Was there anything you liked about it?


I do like your writing style. Its fairly casual in a way that feels natural for the main character. All the narration I can picture him rolling his eyes to, which gives your work a tone which reminds me a bit of some shonen style anime. It feels like the characters have the potential to be a little larger than life which I think adds to this feeling (I think we see it mostly in the main character, Annaliese and Kylantha from this chapter). I also am intrigued by where you are going with the story, and I'm interested to see what the next step is, as I think that step will really show me where you are going.


I know it's just the first chapter, but what did you think about the characters?


I think those three that I mentioned are a good start but the others haven't really been given enough to really define them yet. It is only the first chapter so I haven't really seen any of their depth yet, but I'm interested in where you go with them. I think if you work on your "show, don't tell" you can make all of them a lot stronger too.


That's true. Well, thanks again and I'm going on to chapter two. I at least want to complete five chapter before I edit them.
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