Post Reply Emerald Prince - fantasy + mystery novel
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Posted 7/7/16 , edited 11/3/16
Hello~ If you like fantasy/mystery stories - and pretty boys - please take a look at this~


The bath was still warm as Julien woke up. He noticed that before he noticed the tile of the ceiling, and the columns around him, or the smell of something soothing in the air, and all of those things before he noticed the sensation of something soft floating in the bath, brushing against his arms and chest at the level of the water. He moved his head to the side. The soft things moved along with it. Long… brushing against his shoulders, too.

He blinked as he realized… it couldn’t be – it was his hair.

He sat up with a start – and that’s when his mind got around to processing what his senses were telling him. He was in a bath, but it wasn’t the bath he’d gotten into back at the hotel. This room was wide, spacious, every move he made causing an echo throughout the chamber. The walls, floor, and everything were covered with beautiful, glistening tiles – gold, as well as plenty of colors, like jewels. The scent he had noticed before, that he only now realized was incense, wafted through the space. He could see the burners that the incense came from.

It wasn’t until then that he realized there was someone else there – he heard chanting. Julien saw him about as soon as he heard him, a young man with long white hair, wearing a robe that seemed heavy for somewhere this warm. He stood in the center of several incense burners on stands, chanting something.

“H-hey-“ Julien started, then stopped as he heard his voice echo throughout the chamber. He ducked back down into the bath, as if trying to take the sound back – of course, it didn’t work like that.

( ... )
Read the rest - > http://www.lavendermintrose.com/?page_id=577

A bit about the story: It's about a guy named Julien who wakes up in another world, where he's been brought to be a stand-in for the prince. The sorcerer who brought him there is the only one who knows he isn't the real prince, and they get caught up in an incident that happens in the palace - an important artifact is stolen, and then an important sorcerer is murdered.

Please let me know what you think! I'm also planning to add illustrations, so I'll let everyone know when those go up.

Thank you + please enjoy!

Edit: hiatus but art though:




Edit II: I'm writing another novel called Celestial Song first, and I'll finish Emerald Prince after that. It's going to be longer than I thought, too...
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Posted 7/10/16
Some comments after reading the first chapter:

-For the first few paragraphs, you use a lot of sentences starting with "he". They don't really flow very well into each other in my opinion and it sounds a bit stiff. Afterwards though, thing flowed much better
-I think a large part of things flowing better is your dialogue. It feels very natural and overall seems well written and believable. I'd say that this is your strong suit.
-You do use a lot of informal grammar. Now that's a bit of a nitpick but heavy use of em dashes and ellipsis I feel makes your story look more amateurish, so I personally would suggest formalizing it. Up to you though.
-I think your language, primarily in the narration, could be stronger and more vivid. Especially when relating to the setting. It could use that extra kick to really make things jump to life and be more fun to read.
-You use the character's names a lot. There is a thin balance between overusing names (writing sounds choppy) and under-using names (writing becomes confusing), so I wouldn't say just cut down the number but think about if you can word things differently to smooth some sentences out a bit.
-Not sure if the eating scene was really necessary. It doesn't feel like it added anything, but it could perhaps take away from a future scene where you truly want to introduce the food of this world.
-I liked the bit at the end of the chapter.

Overall, I think the dialogue throughout this chapter really carried your story (in a good way) and made it fun to read. The narration could be more colorful and enjoyable, but I liked it enough to plan on reading Chapter 2. I'll give you my thoughts when I do.
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Posted 7/10/16
*blushblush* thank you so much~~

Yeah, I think I need to make the scenery more vivid, especially in the next chapter when they go from the train to the palace, but I'm... sort of trying to get it written and out, and then when I edit it before I try to make print copies, then I'll fix that and add more...

The casual style is sort of meant to get into Julien's head and be more from his point of view... since he's all confused and things, and he's not quite in step with this world yet.
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Posted 7/10/16 , edited 7/10/16

LavenderMintRose wrote:

*blushblush* thank you so much~~

Yeah, I think I need to make the scenery more vivid, especially in the next chapter when they go from the train to the palace, but I'm... sort of trying to get it written and out, and then when I edit it before I try to make print copies, then I'll fix that and add more...

The casual style is sort of meant to get into Julien's head and be more from his point of view... since he's all confused and things, and he's not quite in step with this world yet.


No problem And I totally understand wanting to get things down first.

As for the casual style, I do think that is something that should be conveyed with words and not so much punctuation. Things like this (“H-hey-“) are fine, but I'd say change this (He ducked back down into the bath, as if trying to take the sound back – of course, it didn’t work like that.) to this (He ducked back down into the bath, as if trying to take the sound back; of course, it didn’t work like that.) - I'm still a bit shaky with semicolons, but I think this would be a place where one would fit - and this (“Wait… ” he asked.) to this ("Wait," he asked). At the least, I'd suggest using a lot fewer ellipsis and replace em dashes with semicolons in a few places.

Also, out of curiosity, why did you choose third person instead of first person?
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Posted 7/10/16
. . . I don't know? It just didn't leap out at me as a first-person story, I guess? I usually don't write first person... the only time I did, I think, was when I was writing a thing where the main characters are demon hunters, but then they realize the demons aren't actually evil (just magic) and end up joining the demons, because I felt like that change of attitude really needed to be seen from inside their heads... You can't really objectively make the audience sympathize with the demon hunters and then not just take it as a bad end when they join the demons, and it was supposed to sort of be a deconstruction of a bad end (sort of... I know that sounds so pretentious, forgive me).

But for this, I guess... I needed to be out of everyone's head. Besides the fact that there are scenes that Julien isn't in, there's a whodunnit plot, and the third-person helps show things that might be clues or might be red-herrings or might be completely unrelated, and lets the audience try to guess for themselves a bit more than first person does. I'm also... trying to do a bit of that with the romance plot (the love interest will do something, and Julien will interpret it one way, but that's not necessarily it...)

As for the ellipses and dashes... I'm trying to give a sort of sense of trailing off... or stopping suddenly - wait, no; like that. The semicolon is a bit more neutral, I think? In that example, the dash was sort of, to illustrate that "oops" second there... I hope that makes sense... sort of as a pacing thing. I'm trying to be precise, while keeping the pace to how it happens in my head. Also going by those examples, "Wait..." feels (to me at least), like it takes a bit longer than "Wait,". How would you recommend showing that, time-wise, using another method?
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Posted 7/11/16
I just read the first chapter and I must say it was great. The text has a really neat way to hook you in. The dialogue/action rate is at balance. Lastly your detailed descriptions are actually amazing.

Now, there is something that I must address about the first paragraph. As good as the story is, there is the chance that it would throw off many reader in only two sentences. The second sentence is (douchebag warning) a disaster.

The bath was still warm as Julien woke up. He noticed that before he noticed the tile of the ceiling, and the columns around him, or the smell of something soothing in the air, and all of those things before he noticed the sensation of something soft floating in the bath, brushing against his arms and chest at the level of the water. He moved his head to the side. The soft things moved along with it. Long… brushing against his shoulders, too.

This sentence is far too long and makes no sense the way it is written. I propose this alternative:

The bath was still warn when he woke up. Julien noticed this before acknowledging the unfamiliarity of his surroundings. His senses scanned the area in confusion. Julien saw the tile of the ceiling and the columns around him; he also noticed a soothing aroma in the air. All of those things he noticed before the sensation of something soft floating in the bath, brushing against his arms and chest at the level of the water.


In any case I will continue to follow Julien, keep it coming sis.
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Posted 7/11/16

LavenderMintRose wrote:

. . . I don't know? It just didn't leap out at me as a first-person story, I guess? I usually don't write first person... the only time I did, I think, was when I was writing a thing where the main characters are demon hunters, but then they realize the demons aren't actually evil (just magic) and end up joining the demons, because I felt like that change of attitude really needed to be seen from inside their heads... You can't really objectively make the audience sympathize with the demon hunters and then not just take it as a bad end when they join the demons, and it was supposed to sort of be a deconstruction of a bad end (sort of... I know that sounds so pretentious, forgive me).

But for this, I guess... I needed to be out of everyone's head. Besides the fact that there are scenes that Julien isn't in, there's a whodunnit plot, and the third-person helps show things that might be clues or might be red-herrings or might be completely unrelated, and lets the audience try to guess for themselves a bit more than first person does. I'm also... trying to do a bit of that with the romance plot (the love interest will do something, and Julien will interpret it one way, but that's not necessarily it...)

As for the ellipses and dashes... I'm trying to give a sort of sense of trailing off... or stopping suddenly - wait, no; like that. The semicolon is a bit more neutral, I think? In that example, the dash was sort of, to illustrate that "oops" second there... I hope that makes sense... sort of as a pacing thing. I'm trying to be precise, while keeping the pace to how it happens in my head. Also going by those examples, "Wait..." feels (to me at least), like it takes a bit longer than "Wait,". How would you recommend showing that, time-wise, using another method?


The stuff about third person makes sense. I was kinda just asking to see if you had thought about it, which you had and your reasoning makes a lot of sense.

As for ellipsis and dashes. Well, first of all, ellipsis are good to use when something trails off. I just think that they should be used a little more sparingly. You use a very similar type of sentence quite often and I think some of them don't really need it. I'd say an alternative could be writing a little action to go between to sentences to give a sense of time passing. For example: "Wait," said Alex, shaking his head in a vain attempt to straighten his thoughts. "What do you mean by 'world'?". That is kind of what I meant by getting these kinds of things across with words instead of punctuation (although that isn't to say punctuation other than periods/commas should never be used).

Now for dashes, there are a few ways they can be used. One would be like this: "Hey Sam, what is going- Wait!". Its a very hard stop (notice no space between "going" and the dash). Another would be like this: "The room was full of dolls-hundreds with all different shapes and sizes-with a bed haphazardly tucked into a corner.". This would be the "em dash" style of dash (you are supposed to use the long version of the dash, but it doesn't work on forums...). It is used as a sort of replacement for parenthesis. I do think that there are places you use them where they aren't used in either of these ways and in some places I think other punctuation would work better. The sentence I posted before I think makes more sense and is more grammatically correct with a semicolon. I don't think you really read it differently either way.

Still, at its core it is a nitpick. I don't want you to get the idea that its terrible or anything. Just one of those things that I notice that wouldn't bother 99% of people ^.^
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Posted 7/11/16 , edited 7/14/16
Okay ^_^. I'll try to keep an eye out for it later, though.

One thing about the long sentences, though... I actually read a thing about long sentences that said that even though a lot of people nowadays don't like them, they can be used well for certain effects, and to give a certain atmosphere. That's what I'm going for... the suggestion in the post before last feels too technical for what I'm going for. Sorry ^_^;;

Edit: So someone on Wattpad asked... the ship name is EviJuli. エヴィジュリ <3

. . . chapter 4 is coming. I'm sorry I'm so slow.
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Posted 7/14/16

LavenderMintRose wrote:

Hello!
If you like fantasy and mystery stories, and especially if you like anime bishounen, please check out my novel, Emerald Prince. I'm serializing it online, and the first few chapters are up so far.
http://www.lavendermintrose.com/?page_id=577

A bit about the story: It's about a guy named Julien who wakes up in another world, where he's been brought to be a stand-in for the prince. The sorcerer who brought him there is the only one who knows he isn't the real prince, and they get caught up in an incident that happens in the palace - an important artifact is stolen, and then an important sorcerer is murdered.

Please let me know what you think! I'm also planning to add illustrations, so I'll let everyone know when those go up.

Thank you + please enjoy!


Sadly, I can't visualize whenever I read. So I won't be able to see what goes on in the story. I am so sorry.
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Posted 7/15/16
? ?

I'm... not sure what you mean by that ^_^;; I'm sorry if my descriptions weren't good...
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Posted 7/15/16

LavenderMintRose wrote:

? ?

I'm... not sure what you mean by that ^_^;; I'm sorry if my descriptions weren't good...


I can't visualize when I read books. My mind gets distracted by other things.
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Posted 7/17/16


I have finally read the first and second chapter (I believe there is not a third).

Your story has good plot and managed to get me interested. However I find it just slightly dificult to pinpoint the premise. Is the story mainly entertainment or is there going to be a more serious tone to it later on? For example: Will there be any sort of identity crisis? Will Julien suddenly contemplate what does he really want for his adult life? Considering he appear to be from an otaku type background, the sudden burdening responsibility could be used to give such serious approach to the story.

Secondly, there are few details here and there that kinda bothered me a bit. Some of them are related to the syntax of some sentences, others are more about... logic?


Let me start with the syntax part:

1) Julien noticed Evindr’s face change, as if he’d noticed something. He turned to look out of the window to see what, and gasped.

There is a problem with the first sentence. The referent is unclear after the comma; "as if he noticed something." Considering that in the first half you spoke of Julien as the one who notices, it makes it sound as if the whole sentence was referring to him. This makes for a redundant sentence with no sense (Julien noticed Evindir's face change, as if Julien noticed something).

Even if your were to substitute the pronoun "he" with any of the two names, the result would be the same. The problem here, as with a more than a couple of your sentences, is that you used the same verb twice within a single sentence.


2) Here is another type of thing you should avoid: "Eventually, they reached a pair of large doors. The servants escorting them bowed as they opened them."

This one even manages to sound gory or inappropriate. Clearly you meant to say that the servants opened the doors. However, think of how many referents can be interchanged with the word "them".

This are of the possibilities:

(The servants escorting Julien & Evindr/ the doors/ the servants bowed as they opened Julien & Evindr/ the doors/ the servants.)



Now for the logic part:

1) This issue is by no means important but I feel the need to point it out and ask. Why is does the prince wait until his 21 years of age to rule? This struck me as a clear indicator of the authors modern-day western culture.

A fun fact: In ancient times (the ones closely related to this story), the age for marriage was as soon as 12 years. The age to assume the rule over a nation was no different. Take Charles XII of Sweden (King Karolus) for example. His coronation took place at age 15. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_XII_of_Sweden

Given what I have exposed, it looks very odd for the prince to "become of age" at age 21.


2) This next matter is far more relevant though. I spotted a major contradiction in your story.

“That would be silly,” Evindr said. “Positions in this kingdom are decided first and foremost by skill and aptitude, particularly where sorcery is concerned. To do otherwise would be to hold ourselves back.”


After what probably seemed to Julien like a longer time than it was, she spoke. “My cousin,” she said. That’s right, he recalled, they were supposed to be cousins. “I hear you are called Julien, is that correct?”

“Yes,” Julien said. How should he address her? “Princess Demetria,”...


Evindr speaks of meritocracy in a land that has adopted monarchy as their government system. This contradiction can be easily solved (asuming you had not intended to so in the first place) by simply detailing the government structure and the extent of the "chosen by merit" philosophy.



I have no further helpful advice to give for the time being. (YOU MUST POST MORE!!!) I hope this serves you well.
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Posted 7/17/16 , edited 7/20/16
Both logic issues are magic things -
- The prince is supposed to be brought back when he's 21 because that's the age at which a person's magic reaches adult level.
- Bloodlines aren't as relevant as skill, except for the royal family because of something that comes up in chapter 4 in their history. Basically, the kings centuries ago had incredibly strong magic, and their descendants still have higher magic abilities in the blood. Also, they've never had problems with their royal family, so they wouldn't feel any need to get rid of them just for the sake of doing so. And, like Evindr said in the first chapter, they're very dedicated to ruling well, and they put the well-being of the kingdom above their own needs and desires. (There's a bit about a historic queen who's very important in the next chapter).

Also, it isn't ancient, it's... I guess, not really analogous to any particular age of any particular real-world society... it's post-renaissance, but since everything past that point is based on magic, not real-world technology, it's not any one era. But because of magic, there's widespread literacy and medicine (which Evindr mentions goes beyond current real-world medicine), magic phone-substitutes, fast trains... they pretty much have everything the real world has, but it looks different. And they've kept an "older" look to a lot of things just for aesthetic reasons - they don't feel the need to change looks every decade, but that doesn't mean they're mentally stuck in the past.
There is a third chapter. -> http://www.lavendermintrose.com/?page_id=586 I need to fix that link.


Edit: haaaahahaha
Chapter 4? Half done.
Chapter 5? Outlined
Chapter 6? Half done

Chapter 7? Done

What am I doing now?
Chapter 8.

Does that help me actually get to update this thing?
No.

Back to chapter 4.

edit 2: 4200 word chapter 4 is almost ready.

Please let me know if you have any more comments/critique on what I have so far, as well. Thank you~

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Posted 7/28/16
Chapter 2:

-I think largely my comments from before still apply. Dialogue and generally your characters are strong, while the language and some of the flow between sentences could be improved. The rest of my criticisms are either nitpicks or related to the story moreso than the writing.

-I think the way you present your narration feels a little impersonal. Not sure how universal this is, but when I write in third person, I try to focus on how the character who is currently the "main character" would be handling a certain scenario. If your main character is being drilled with information, what parts of this information jumps out to him, what sticks, what does he feel about it? This can all be demonstrated inside your narration, showing us more about the characters and keeping things more interesting for the reader.

-For the meeting with Adriano, I feel like more could have went into that. As a scene it doesn't really have much impact or add much to the story, and I feel like it could have been a good scene if you set out to make it into something more than a minor transition.

-For the train car, try to give a little bit more of a description of it, even if it is just one or two details. It doesn't feel like a setting right now. Just an idea ("ornate, beautiful, royal").
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Posted 7/30/16 , edited 7/30/16
^ This so much, and the city and architecture, too.

So. The reason I switched to this from the other novel I was working on was that I felt like I was rushing too much to try to finish it, and I wanted to slow down and write something just for fun. And then I started posting it and... I fell into the same trap.

So I'm taking a hiatus and trying to write things and edit them well before posting them, and not post things like everything in the above post where I'm thinking, "This doesn't work at all, what even is this... but I need to get another chapter up."

So. Hiatus. I'll finish it and edit it overall and then post it. Because also, I was too worried about writing things in ways that I wouldn't want to go back and change it later. And about not having illustrations yet.

And I'll still finish it before I go to Japan (4 months ~2 weeks!) and at least start posting it and writing Celestial Song before then.
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