Post Reply Need opinions. How interesting (if it is at all) does sound?
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Posted 7/10/16
This is the plot summary of Project Divinity. It is narrated in a prophecy-like tone. I would like to know what improvements could be made over the general concept.




From an ancient race a belief is born, they called themselves Primordials. They sought to become machines and abandon the world of suffering and torment. A paradise was created in a dimension of time-space far higher than ours. However, there were those who opposed and though inconceivable to abandon one’s humanity to live in a false paradise. The opposing men created a machine to rule them all, the Artiphis. A threat to Eden arose and so the Primordials created sentient protectors: the Sentinels. That was the name given to these beings half machine and half men, destined to guard the Gate of Eden and grant entry only to those who truly seek peace.

The Artiphis betrayed its creators and thus destroyed the ancient civilization, at least in the physical realm. Machina ruled over men; the siege of Eden began. The Sentinels, keys to the Gate, stood bravely to the fight. They fought and fell, each in its own way. Either by sword or seduction they all perished, all but one was left. Her name was Luminara, the Sentinel of Light. Luminara fled, carrying with herself the final key to Eden’s heart. She found a world of waking nations whom she mothered with her guidance, in hopes that one day they might stand against the darkness. The Sentinel of Light vanished from all sight with the promise to reawaken with the gathering of the night.
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Posted 7/10/16
I think my wires are crossed somewhere as a lot of things sound backwards. Let me get this straight:

-Primordials are men who turned themselves into machines
-Primordials found Eden (paradise)
-Men don't want to give up humanity
-Men create machine to "rule them all" (even though the Primordials don't really seem to be bothering anybody)
-Primordials create half man/half machine to guard Eden
-Artiphis betrays men
-Primordials rule over them (even though they don't really have any reason to because they have Eden)
-Eden is attacked (even though Primordials rule?)
-Sentinels are destroyed (?)
-Sentinel of Light escapes
-Sentinel of light guided the world (?) to fight against the darkness (?)
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Posted 7/10/16

sundin13 wrote:

I think my wires are crossed somewhere as a lot of things sound backwards. Let me get this straight:

-Primordials are men who turned themselves into machines
-Primordials found Eden (paradise)
-Men don't want to give up humanity
-Men create machine to "rule them all" (even though the Primordials don't really seem to be bothering anybody)
-Primordials create half man/half machine to guard Eden
-Artiphis betrays men
-Primordials rule over them (even though they don't really have any reason to because they have Eden)
-Eden is attacked (even though Primordials rule?)
-Sentinels are destroyed (?)
-Sentinel of Light escapes
-Sentinel of light guided the world (?) to fight against the darkness (?)


-Primordials are men who turned themselves into machines
-Primordials created Eden
-Men don't want to give up humanity
-Men create machine to "rule them all" (a war of beliefs; alterity and intolerance mixed together)
-Primordials create half man/half machine to guard Eden
-Artiphis betrays men (Artiphis is basically a controlled "SKYNET" with a twist)
-Primordial stay at Eden. Artiphis takes over the physical world.
-Eden is attacked (Artiphis main directive)
- Most Sentinels are slain while others, due to their free will align with the Artiphis.
-Sentinel of Light escapes
-Sentinel of Light guided the world (She searched through the stars and found a rising civilization.) to fight against the darkness (Artiphis)

As the last Sentinel upholding the oath of keeping Eden safe, Luminara finds herself in desperate need for help. If she were to fall, Eden would be breached and destroyed by the Artiphis. Her duty is to destroy Artiphis and all the Fallen Sentinels (a task that can not be achieved alone).
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Posted 7/10/16
Okay, thanks for clearing that up. Makes a lot more sense now. So is this information primarily backstory, or is it a summary of most of the book?
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Posted 7/10/16

sundin13 wrote:

Okay, thanks for clearing that up. Makes a lot more sense now. So is this information primarily backstory, or is it a summary of most of the book?


Indeed, it is mostly backstory. The main events take place upon the "arrival of darkness" [(materialized as the arrival of the "Army of Demons") refer to Project Divinity].
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Posted 7/10/16

DViper15 wrote:

This is the plot summary of Project Divinity. It is narrated in a prophecy-like tone. I would like to know what improvements could be made over the general concept.




From an ancient race a belief is born, they called themselves Primordials. They sought to become machines and abandon the world of suffering and torment. A paradise was created in a dimension of time-space far higher than ours. However, there were those who opposed and though inconceivable to abandon one’s humanity to live in a false paradise. The opposing men created a machine to rule them all, the Artiphis. A threat to Eden arose and so the Primordials created sentient protectors: the Sentinels. That was the name given to these beings half machine and half men, destined to guard the Gate of Eden and grant entry only to those who truly seek peace.

The Artiphis betrayed its creators and thus destroyed the ancient civilization, at least in the physical realm. Machina ruled over men; the siege of Eden began. The Sentinels, keys to the Gate, stood bravely to the fight. They fought and fell, each in its own way. Either by sword or seduction they all perished, all but one was left. Her name was Luminara, the Sentinel of Light. Luminara fled, carrying with herself the final key to Eden’s heart. She found a world of waking nations whom she mothered with her guidance, in hopes that one day they might stand against the darkness. The Sentinel of Light vanished from all sight with the promise to reawaken with the gathering of the night.


Let me try to get this straight, but correct me if I'm wrong.


Ok, so Primordials are just machines who created sentinels? Because the Artiphis is a Machine to combat the Primordials and their belief of throwing away their humanity, but then the Artiphis goes against the creators and destroys the physical realm of civilization, or just threatens it.

So does that mean Artiphis and the Primordials become allies, and the Sentinels become the defender for humanity? Both half human and half machine.

I just want to know if I am understanding before I can give you a rough idea of what I think
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Posted 7/10/16

DViper15 wrote:


sundin13 wrote:

Okay, thanks for clearing that up. Makes a lot more sense now. So is this information primarily backstory, or is it a summary of most of the book?


Indeed, it is mostly backstory. The main events take place upon the "arrival of darkness" [(materialized as the arrival of the "Army of Demons") refer to Project Divinity].


Okay, in that case, I think your world is interesting. If that was the main plot I would nitpick about the man vs machine idea become muddled (Man make machine to fight for them, machine make half man to fight for them), but as a backstory, the nitpick doesn't really matter too much. I do think your story idea is neat and I'd be interested in seeing where the story builds out of this backstory.
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Posted 7/10/16




In the past there were men. A group with a common belief formed and called themselves Primordials. They sought to end disparity and suffering by becoming data (machines).

Those who opposed created the Artiphis, a rip-off of SKYNET from terminator. The Sentinels were created to protect Eden but ultimately failed. The Artiphis betrays its creator and convinces some Sentinels to join his side.

All the Sentinels are keys (fragments) to access Eden. Artiphis, having dealt with most Sentinels is only one key away from victory. Yet the last Sentinel escapes its grasp. Luminara, the last Sentinel, discovers a rising civilization who would later help her defeat the Artiphis.
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Posted 7/10/16

DViper15 wrote:





In the past there were men. A group with a common belief formed and called themselves Primordials. They sought to end disparity and suffering by becoming data (machines).

Those who opposed created the Artiphis, a rip-off of SKYNET from terminator. The Sentinels were created to protect Eden but ultimately failed. The Artiphis betrays its creator and convinces some Sentinels to join his side.

All the Sentinels are keys (fragments) to access Eden. Artiphis, having dealt with most Sentinels is only one key away from victory. Yet the last Sentinel escapes its grasp. Luminara, the last Sentinel, discovers a rising civilization who would later help her defeat the Artiphis.



Ahhhhhh, ok. Sounds pretty cool. Its a decent Idea.

You should definitely dedicate a good amount of time to really go into the whole back story. I know you have a bit here, but it would help a lot with setting up the story.

so these fragments, are they still sentinels that are in Artiphis's control? or are they just fragments, like they don't function anymore, because it be cool to like corrupt the other fragments to actually do something
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Posted 7/11/16
This sounds like a world, not a story.

Who is your main character? What are they doing? What do they want? How do they become involved in this conflict? Are both sides shown rather equally, or is one shown as the "good guys" and the other is the "bad guys"? (I don't like the latter approach, but it's popular).

As a world, it's a good plan, but a world by itself isn't a compelling story.
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